I don't know why I didn't think that today may evoke sad feelings for me. Today was Hunter's 1st birthday party and I. and I were looking forward to it all week. We went and picked out a couple of nice gifts and a card earlier this week and yesterday enjoyed wrapping everything up.
Then this morning it hit me. Mark wasn't going to get to celebrate Hunter's 1st birthday and it made me sad, very sad. Then Mark's eulogy song came on at the gym which made me miss him even more. The party was nice but it was over 100 degrees and we were outside so to say that we were miserably hot would be an understatement. I couldn't help but whisper in Hunter's ear as I held him, "I miss your daddy." because that's what kept repeating in my mind. Watching him eat his first cake, I know Mark would have enjoyed seeing it so much and part of me felt guilty that I was getting to see this when he was not.
So, it was a bittersweet day and will be a sad night. I miss Mark's smile, the way it would light up his whole face. I see it in my dreams, the good ones, that I have about him and it wakes me up warm and happy that I got to see him one more time, hang out with him one more time. But then it reminds me of how much I have lost with this one friendship and it makes me miss him even more.
Just when I thought it may be getting a little better this week, I'm back to where I was. I know this is a normal part of the grieving process but it was so nice not to be so sad, in pain, and either on the verge of tears or crying. I guess I should just look at it as a nice break and look forward to the next break down the road.
1 comment:
Yep, this is the way it goes. All the "first" events after someone dies seems like it just opens the wound all over again. It didn't help that all the crap happened that you wrote about in previous blog. Grief is so painful and there isn't too much to numb it out because even if you do--it's still there. I do pray for you to get some sleep tonight. C
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