End of the Week

I made it through the first "normal" week in one piece. It was a week full of a lot of different things - started it off with 2 therapist appointments (one for me, one for V.), moved on to an evening away for a concert, and now the inlaws and stepdaughters are here. After a full day today, I'm upstairs hibernating with my laptop, Sex in the City reruns, magazines, and a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. You don't even want to know the lengths I had to go to in order to smuggle the bottle, a glass, and bottle opener up here.

The therapist appointments seem to go well since V. came home after his and I could immediately sense a more relaxed, open vibe from him. We had fun together during our time away though I had some defenses up but things are still getting better. He seems to be more concerned about my feelings and doing things to help get me the space I need. Really, the only stress that has to do with us is the fact that he's leaving on Tuesday (as are his parents) to be gone for a month or so. I just hope the wall doesn't go back up and we're back to square one. I told him that I was going to be on high alert this time around and that I was going to "call him" on it if I felt the wall being erected.

The visit has been going well. V.'s parents are low maintenance so that makes it easy. The only close call came tonight. I spent time making meatloaf and roasted broccoli and then when it came time to serve it, I realized that there was only going to be enough for 5 people so I didn't get any which was okay really because I had eaten a sandwich at lunchtime and wasn't hungry. It was more the embarrassment factor because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad but it worked out okay so was just a close call.

When the girls arrived tonight, they gave me hugs and then with huge smiles on their faces said they were sorry for me losing my friend. I said thank you, shrugged ('cause what else is there really to say), and went upstairs to take a shower. I was kind of pissed off because I knew V. had said something to them to make them say that to me. Or maybe I was irritated that they said it with these huge smiles on their faces like they were ready to crack up. I let it go though and figure that they were just nervous and uncomfortable and that's why they were smiling. I think the bottom line is this: too little, too late.

It's still hard to get into the flow of normal life. I can go through the motions of all of it, but my heart is just not into it. It all just feels empty and at times, pointless. I guess that's just how it's going to be for awhile.