When Your Best Isn't Very Good

Thank God people don't actually read my blog because I'm sure there would be an outcrying over this post, complete with anoxeria nervosa specialist links attached to the outraged comments. Because these days, food is really overrated. This from a woman who lovingly plans complete semi-fancy dinners for the week cross-referencing her favorite recipes to what is on sale at the grocery store. I like to eat yummy food or at least, I USED to like to eat yummy food.

Now, I view food as a necessary, albeit very small part, of my life. Before any links for eating disorders get sent my way, this is not because I think I am fat (or was fat) though I have to admit I'm pretty happy that the little mommy gut I had collected along the way has shrinked measurably and on good days, has almost disappeared, especially if I'm standing up. But that has just been a nice by-product of what is really going on here.

Except I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on here. My stomach has been in knots for a while, leading to me getting ill when I do eat, especially if it's before 5pm. So, I choke down a low calorie protein drink in the morning (so I can work out) while I'm doing something else because if I'm not doing something else, I'll gag on it. Any solid foods in the morning come out immediately and I'm not saying anything more about that. Lunch consists of a protein bar if I'm can stay distracted enough to choke that down and dinner (since V. has been gone for almost a month) is a Weight Watchers dinner or some steamed shrimp. The weirdest thing for me, normally having a pretty healthy appetite, is that I am stuffed after these dinners.

So yeah, I've got grief and some stress to help explain this phenomenon but to be honest it's more than that. I eat only enough to not pass out, sustain a hard gym workout, and have enough of a foundation for nighttime vodka tonics after I. is safely asleep. Yes, I know it's not healthy, not even a little bit. But you know what, IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Better because I can control it, this in a world that is SO out of control for me right now. I like feeling the hunger pains because the physical pain makes me feel less guilty that I'm alive and Mark is not. I don't want to feel good right now because ultimately, it will make me feel bad. I can't do all the physical things I used to do to deal with my emotional anguish but I can feel the pain of hunger and it distracts me. I try to remember to take a vitamin with dinner so I'm not trying to do damage to myself, I'm just trying to make it through.

And while I'm not proud of myself and I may not be treating myself the very best that I could be, with V. gone and Mark dead and me trying to keep I. happy and my head above water each day as a single parent, it's the best I've got so for right now, it'll just have to do.