The Week

I guess I must have used up all my words on the trifecta posts of Sunday because I haven't had anything to blog about since then. Maybe that's not exactly accurate. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, it's just that I didn't have the words.

I had my therapist appointment on Monday, causing me to face emotions, anxieties, and sad thoughts I had stuffed down in order to make it through the days as a quasi-single parent of a 3.5 year old. Dealing with all this led to a harrowing, long night with me pacing around until 12:30 am until I finally was able to settle down and go to bed. So much anger, sadness, despair, and loss being faced all at one time.

I think that the worst emotion that is the root of all the other emotions is loss. Loss. LOSS. Loss of a friend with whom I knew and was known intimately, one that I had 11 years of important, life changing history during some really formulative years. That history now cannot be shared with anyone since I'm the only one left standing to talk about it. Loss because I'll never have the opportunity to have a friendship like that - those days are gone now and never will come again.

These days and nights are dichotomous - I'm exhausted but I can't sleep well, I'm starving but I can't eat. Basically I get through the days by sheer concentration on I. and get through the nights through sheer determination which at times feels like I'm scratching my nails on a chalkboard for hours. There are things that piss me off during the day that I don't realize until they come back to me at night to be processed. The latest, irrational (and probably self-centered) thing that has been pissing me off is when people seem to pass right over my grief but are sure to ask how Jodi is with this sympathetic, hushed tone. I feel like screaming, "Yes, I realize that I was ONLY his FRIEND and not his WIFE but she was his wife for 3 years and he was my closest friend for 11 years and I know things about him that even she doesn't know!" That makes it sound like it's a competition which it isn't and I understand that Mark and I weren't planning a life in the future together which is a HUGE thing but the fact remains that we had a special, one of a kind friendship that other people cannot even BEGIN to understand and I'll be DAMNED if my grief is discounted and passed over.

As you can see, I'm really not fit for human consumption right now thus an idea I had for a t-shirt. The front of it would read "My best friend is dead." and the back would say "Any questions? Good! Now GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Seriously, I'm really considering it because I know just having that shirt and wearing it even if it was around the house would make me feel better. And in these early days of grieving, even feeling a little better would be well worth it.