We survived yesterday a little better than I had forecasted. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of tears along the way about things that normally would have been taken in stride by I. For example, she went upstairs while I was cleaning up downstairs when all of a sudden, there is shrieking sobbing and crying going on. I figured she messed with a cat and got bit in return so I run up there to find her in the bathroom sobbing about the smallest, tiniest, almost-can't-see-it baby spider on the toliet seat. And her standing there with her pants down, sobbing, screaming, and pointing. It was like that for a few hours. Luckily because I know my girl and had anticipated this, it really didn't use up much of my patience; I kind of felt sorry for her because haven't we all felt that way before? It's miserable and it doesn't feel good to feel that way. So I just removed or fixed whatever was causing each meltdown and we moved on.
No dreams about Mark last night but I did have one about fighting with Jodi about how things were. I also had a chaotic dream about going to school to find out what class I was supposed to be in and finding myself in a big, empty, dark parking lot while a storm raged overhead. Hmm, not too difficult to figure that out. I'd say that illustrates the "swirling" that I've been feeling lately. Last dream (that I can remember) of the morning was me and Anthony Bourdain getting it on. Nobody was naked or anything but we were definitely in the early stages of dating - kissing, flirting, holding hands, and feeling pretty great. He's not the best looking guy you could find on television but he's funny, irreverant, naughty, smart, and in that age range that I enjoy. And looks-wise, he is good looking in a rugged way, at least I think so. Definitely kicked off the day better than yesterday morning's dream, let me tell you.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Swirling Silence
This post's title seems contradictory and it kind of is because it captures two different things occuring in reality and in this morning's dream. But after rolling it around my mind and off my tongue, it captures exactly how my internal thoughts feel. A swirling silence. It certainly doesn't describe my external environment, especially this morning, which is filled with constant questions, demands, and whining thanks to I. not going to sleep for 2.5 hours thanks to a stupid toy that I allowed her to take to bed with her. Not tonight, that's for sure. I suspect it's going to be one of those days where we're going to be skidding around the corner on two wheels towards bedtime. One of those days where success is determined by the fact that all the mammals of the house are still alive and safe at the end of the day. Some days you finesse, some days you survive. I'll let you know tomorrow what today winds up being.
The swirling part of my internal life is due to a lot of work tasks for a couple of clients hitting all at once. Not only that but all of them require me to follow up several times to get all the info that I need to actually complete the task. It's like having many plates spinning at one time. Additionally, it just seems like something is building up with my parents - their health, my sister etc. and it's concerning me. I can't put my finger on it but it's there in the background.
The silence part comes from a dream I had this morning. There was a funeral for someone that I was at and Mark showed up and I was so full of joy to see him. We hung out and talked and how happy I felt is indescribable though I still have the memory with me of how good it felt. Then I opened a card and music started playing and we thought that was so neat. Mark was sitting right next to me and I handed him the card so that he could open the card too. But when he opened the card, there was just silence. He looked at me and I at him, and we just sat there puzzled. Then we both became sad and he was gone.
It's so hard to start a day this way. I try to concentrate on how joyful I felt but it just makes me feel worse in a way because it was just a dream and I'll never be able to sit next to him, feeling happy and content because we're together. But the day calls and so does I. so I get myself up, get ready, and make it through the day because that's what you have to do when you're an adult.
The swirling part of my internal life is due to a lot of work tasks for a couple of clients hitting all at once. Not only that but all of them require me to follow up several times to get all the info that I need to actually complete the task. It's like having many plates spinning at one time. Additionally, it just seems like something is building up with my parents - their health, my sister etc. and it's concerning me. I can't put my finger on it but it's there in the background.
The silence part comes from a dream I had this morning. There was a funeral for someone that I was at and Mark showed up and I was so full of joy to see him. We hung out and talked and how happy I felt is indescribable though I still have the memory with me of how good it felt. Then I opened a card and music started playing and we thought that was so neat. Mark was sitting right next to me and I handed him the card so that he could open the card too. But when he opened the card, there was just silence. He looked at me and I at him, and we just sat there puzzled. Then we both became sad and he was gone.
It's so hard to start a day this way. I try to concentrate on how joyful I felt but it just makes me feel worse in a way because it was just a dream and I'll never be able to sit next to him, feeling happy and content because we're together. But the day calls and so does I. so I get myself up, get ready, and make it through the day because that's what you have to do when you're an adult.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Dreams & Reality
Bad dreams again this morning. It's not unusual for me to have bad dreams but usually they are in the middle of the night, two or three hours after I've fallen asleep. But since Mark began his descent and then final ascent, my nightmares come in the morning hours between 4 and 7 am., the sacred hours as I call them because it is during these hours I normally get good sleep. The rest of the night I wake up often, sometimes every time I turn over but those few hours before I'm called to duty is when I can finally, truly sleep.
But now these are the hours when all the day's, week's, and month's emotions get turned into multiple bad dreams. Dreams of titanic waves crashing over me; scary stormy days when it looks like the world is ending; watching I. drowning and not being able to reach her; I myself dying of cancer; angry screaming at people close to me and strangers; being chased by strangers trying to kill me and waking up to my own screams as the knife enters my body. And that is really the worst part of them - the waking up. Because even though it was only a dream, my body and soul don't know that - my heart is racing, there are tears on my face, and my throat is sore from screaming. And then I remember, Mark is dead and though my nightmares were not real, that horrible fact is. This is how I start my days.
But now these are the hours when all the day's, week's, and month's emotions get turned into multiple bad dreams. Dreams of titanic waves crashing over me; scary stormy days when it looks like the world is ending; watching I. drowning and not being able to reach her; I myself dying of cancer; angry screaming at people close to me and strangers; being chased by strangers trying to kill me and waking up to my own screams as the knife enters my body. And that is really the worst part of them - the waking up. Because even though it was only a dream, my body and soul don't know that - my heart is racing, there are tears on my face, and my throat is sore from screaming. And then I remember, Mark is dead and though my nightmares were not real, that horrible fact is. This is how I start my days.
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