Swirling Silence

This post's title seems contradictory and it kind of is because it captures two different things occuring in reality and in this morning's dream. But after rolling it around my mind and off my tongue, it captures exactly how my internal thoughts feel. A swirling silence. It certainly doesn't describe my external environment, especially this morning, which is filled with constant questions, demands, and whining thanks to I. not going to sleep for 2.5 hours thanks to a stupid toy that I allowed her to take to bed with her. Not tonight, that's for sure. I suspect it's going to be one of those days where we're going to be skidding around the corner on two wheels towards bedtime. One of those days where success is determined by the fact that all the mammals of the house are still alive and safe at the end of the day. Some days you finesse, some days you survive. I'll let you know tomorrow what today winds up being.

The swirling part of my internal life is due to a lot of work tasks for a couple of clients hitting all at once. Not only that but all of them require me to follow up several times to get all the info that I need to actually complete the task. It's like having many plates spinning at one time. Additionally, it just seems like something is building up with my parents - their health, my sister etc. and it's concerning me. I can't put my finger on it but it's there in the background.

The silence part comes from a dream I had this morning. There was a funeral for someone that I was at and Mark showed up and I was so full of joy to see him. We hung out and talked and how happy I felt is indescribable though I still have the memory with me of how good it felt. Then I opened a card and music started playing and we thought that was so neat. Mark was sitting right next to me and I handed him the card so that he could open the card too. But when he opened the card, there was just silence. He looked at me and I at him, and we just sat there puzzled. Then we both became sad and he was gone.

It's so hard to start a day this way. I try to concentrate on how joyful I felt but it just makes me feel worse in a way because it was just a dream and I'll never be able to sit next to him, feeling happy and content because we're together. But the day calls and so does I. so I get myself up, get ready, and make it through the day because that's what you have to do when you're an adult.