Day 12-14

Friday we successfully made it to the beach and now that I. is a big girl who can help carry things, our trip to the beach went pretty smoothly.  We enjoyed the cold water and once D. got over his initial unease, he was happy to hold my hand and play in the waves while I. was running and jumping like a little nut.  Our time went too quickly (always a good sign) and no one threw a fit when it was time to leave, which was a fantastic surprise.

Maybe our better than expected beach trip made me cocky, because I had high hopes for how much fun Caroline's birthday party was going to be on Saturday afternoon.  It was a great party, with creative pretty decorations, wonderful ideas, and good food.  The part that wasn't so great was that D. was whiny, conflicted, and shrieking at the top of his lungs for a least half of the time we were there.  If I had known that I was going to have to be picking him up every 5 seconds literally, I would have worn a damn turtleneck so I wouldn't have to worry about flashing my bra (or more) to all the partygoers every time I had to pick him up or put him down.  Finally, he settled down and played outside in the water (it was over 100 degrees) but by then, I was a sweaty, aggravated hot mess and just felt like going into the bathroom and crying.  I guess I thought he'd be so happy to see Caroline's dog and play with her toys that it would be a cake walk.  Well, it was far from a cake walk and it's never fun being the mom of "that kid".  I can look back now and find the humor in it but at the time, I just wanted it all to end sooner rather than later.

Today V. had to get a couple of errands done that he's been procrastinating for months about and I. decided she would like to go with him.  So after the gym and  lunch, she went off with him, I got D. down for a rest and I'm posting this before I go rest for a little bit.  I'm glad she went with him and that V. didn't make a big deal about it and try to talk her out of it.  I remember doing things and going places with my dad and it was special.  Especially so for I. since V. is gone all the time.  V. didn't experience this time with the girls, I mean not really, so he doesn't understand that it can be the simplest times doing the most ordinary things that will stick in I.'s mind as a memory.  I'll try to remember tonight to tell him that after the kiddos go to bed.  Sometimes you have to point out the most mundane things to V. for him to realize something and even then, I know he'll poo-poo the idea that she'll remember these errand times in the future with fondness. 

Making It Through

Nothing exciting going on over here this morning. Yesterday, I successfully made it through Monday's transition back into a single parent for the rest of the week. Every Monday things just seem a little more difficult, complicated, and overwhelming because it's back to being the only adult on duty. Someday, someday, we'll have a more normal life. Of course, I've been saying this same exact thing since February 2005 and I'm still waiting. If you don't have hope, what do you really have?

But that was yesterday and this morning is moving at a leisurely pace. The main event of the day is lunch at Mark's parents' house to go over the final details of his party on the 24th. I actually wish we could have met a neutral location like before, especially with his anniversary looming around the corner because I know when I walk in there with I. I'll be right back to almost exactly a year ago when we went over on a Sunday which will always be known as "Our Last Visit". Everything happened in that house and now I'm going back there today. But what am I going to say to his mom? "Um, yeah, I never want to come to your house ever again because all it reminds me of is Mark, my missing friendship, and those last 3 days of him dying." It's just not something to say to a grieving mother. So I'll just have to hope for the best and concentrate on the party.