It's Over - Now What?

WARNING - THIS IS A LONG MOTHERLODE OF A POST! (You've been warned!)

Sitting on the patio right now, quietly going over the day's events - so much to digest. I'm full of so many emotions right now that it is actually uncomfortable but I guess that's normal. I am so thankful that all the things I wished for in this morning's post came to pass. There was no drama, the weather was perfect, and a lot of people showed up. On top of that, Brian and I both made it through our eulogies without crying. We had to stop and swallow hard quite a few times but we did it. The interesting thing is that although we never talked about what we were going to write and really haven't spoken to each other before these past 2 weeks, our eulogies were very similar. We even ended with the same exact sentence. Both of them contained funny stories too so there was some laughter which Mark would have liked. At the end of mine, when the Van Halen song started playing, we gave each other a big hug and said "We did it. Mark would have loved that." The families were especially touched and went out of their way to say the nicest, loving things to both of us as did many of his friends. There were a lot of tears during the song but it ended the service perfectly.

Afterwards, we went to lunch with Jodi and her family but it ended up that about 35 of Mark's friends showed up so we sort of had a preview of what Saturday's party is going to be like. Mark has great friends so we really had a good time especially with huge schooners of beer being downed by all. Then Brian and I headed over to the Hettergotts and spent a couple of hours there and Mark's 3 other closest friends showed up and stories started flowing as did more beer and some whiskey that Mark's dad got out. I was put in charge of the whiskey bottle (I didn't have any of that) and declared myself the "bottle bitch". Mark's friends liked that! It's so funny how I really didn't have any interaction with them before but we just all jell. I don't feel like the odd (wo)man out at all. I feel like one of the guys and it's nice. Brian and I have really bonded and that is comforting to both of us I think. It's as though we're two sides of the same coin. I hope we can continue being friends and not only help each other with the healing process but help the Hettergotts and Jodi as they make the painful transition.

So for all of this, I am so thankful but I don't feel happy and that's the disconnect of emotions. I feel sad, mournful, and am hurting. I feel like I lost the one person in my life who knew how to be when I was sad and hurting without me having to spell it out line by line and then demand that it be followed. Our relationship was always so easy - much of it was based on an intuition we had about each other that could never be explained. We didn't have to think of what to say or how to be, because if we trusted our instincts, it was always right. We could go weeks without talking during the busy times of our life and then pick up the conversation right where we left off. Again, always easy.

That's the thing I mourn the most especially now since I'm going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I don't feel like I'm getting what I need. Don't get me wrong - when it comes to all of the logistics for I. the past week and a half, everyone has been great and very helpful. The kindness showed in that regard was so helpful and allowed me to not worry about her as I tried to be there for Mark and family as much as possible. And I have had about 4 friends who have really made it a point to check in on me and send encouraging messages and that has helped me tremendously. Aside from that though, my parents and V., who should be my primary sources of emotional support, have been frustrating at best to pissing me off. Don't get me wrong, my parents have helped tremendously with taking care of I. and coming to the funeral today so that I would have somebody. The only thing that frustrates me about them is they don't want to let me grieve. Maybe it's just a parents' thing or maybe it's their avoidance of anything negative but it doesn't help me at all. When I came home last night after 4 hours at the viewing, my mom didn't really ask me about it and was talking about I. and then gave me a bunch of funny emails my dad had collected for me to read "when I was really down." I bit my tongue because I know they mean well and they have really been helping me the past week but it pissed me off. For one, "when I was really down"? You think maybe I'm already there and have been for awhile? Try watching someone you love, the same age as you, with his life cut way too short, fight to live for 3 days - hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him while whispering it's okay for him to go now, that everything is okay even when for you and his family everything is so NOT okay. It changes you. This is not the natural order of things. I've went through this with my grandfather two years ago and it was really sad. I felt extremely bad for my mother and cried for her since she had just lost her mother the year before. But it was so different because they got to live their lives, hold and raise their children, enjoy their grandchildren, and have good, long lives. Mark didn't and I'm angry for him, for Jodi, for Hunter, for his awesome friends, and for me because we had so much more to talk about, laugh about, and be supportive of each other. So, going back to my parents, I feel like saying "Let me grieve, I want to grieve, I need to grieve, let me be."

That's been another thing that has made being around Brian and Jodi comforting is because we're all suffering so we're experiencing the same things. Last night I said to Brian "How's your appetite?" He said it was greatly reduced and asked about mine. I said "Pretty much can't eat." Jodi's been in that same boat too. Then he asked how my sleep was and I said "Vodka and herbs have been helping once I finally get to bed." He said he wasn't sleeping much at all. It made me feel like what I'm physically going through is okay instead of having to defend and explain it all.

V. is a whole story by itself. At this point, I don't know what to think and am so overwhelmed that I can't think about it in its entirety right now. It's one thing not to be here physically, it's another not to be here emotionally. Never once has he said "I wish I could be there", "I wish I could hug you" and I don't get it. When we were driving him to the airport Sunday after being home 16 hours, he asked me in a irritated sort of way "What, you want me to not go?" and I said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I want you to do." He didn't say anything but had an annoyed look on his face and I didn't want to fight before he got on a plane or in front of I. so I dropped it. Then last night he didn't call at all and he knew about the viewing. Before I went to bed around 11:30, I left a message for him crying that I couldn't believe that he didn't call when he knew how hard the day was going to be. He finally did call around 1:30 this afternoon after he got to the airport, didn't mention my message, but finally asked the question I've been telling him for over a week that I want him to ask "How are you doing?" Whenever we would talk, he wouldn't even ask what was going on and the only thing he would say in regards to me personally was "Hang in there." I finally put a stop to that and told him the next time he said that without asking how I was, I was going to hang up. Today, I told him that I would probably be in bed before he got home and that I was exhausted and needed him to get I. up tomorrow and he agreed and said he would be very quiet tonight. If he had always been like this, then fine, my bad. But when we were dating he was 180 degrees from this and that's why I just don't get it.

Looking forward to Saturday's party for Mark. Before V. left I told him that I didn't care if the girls were there or not, we were going to this party but tonight I'm rethinking that. I think we'll take separate cars so that they can come for some of it and V. can pay his tardy respects to Jodi and the families. Then they can leave and I can thoroughly enjoy myself at Mark's party without worrying that there's 3 people (I know I. would be okay with a playground nearby) suffering from boredom and wanting to leave. I'm not leaving this party until I am ready to go, not because of somebody else. This is what I need and I want to hang out and enjoy Mark's stories without worrying about anyone else. If that makes me seem selfish or bitchy, well then I guess I'm selfish and bitchy. And after going through this without any kind comments from V. or the girls, you know what, that's what you get. Right now, I want to be with the people with whom I can just BE - whether that's laughing or crying, these are the people who are in the boat with me and who I feel comfortable with. If you're not in that boat with me, then that's because of your own actions or lack of actions.