Weaning Pain

Still agonizing how to best move into a nursing free world for D. and I.  We're down to one nursing, the first thing in the morning one.  I thought that the weekend would be the easiest since V. can get him up and feed him a huge breakfast of eggs, cheese, and bread.  I was hoping that I could just kind of slide in with a cup of milk (cow that is) with perhaps a chaser of breast milk. 

Well no doing.  As soon as D. saw me coming down the stairs he ran over with his arms outstretched to pick him up and when I took him upstairs and offered the cup of milk, he rejected it and insisted on being nursed.  This does not bode well.

The hard part is that I am not mentally 100% into this.  I don't want to cut him off or deny him.  But I also don't want to just leave for the Puerto Rico and have him dealing with both the recent loss of nursing in addition to his momma gone for the first time in his life.

There is no book on how to wean, the least painful way.  There should be. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the weekend.  Tonight I took half of the herbs that I've been taking for bolstering my milk supply.  Even that passive move at possibly reducing my supply breaks my heart.  I just don't know how to do it any other way.  I think my milk has already been reduced over this week because D. has been frustrated and angry at certain times during our morning feeding.

It just breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do.  Just cut him off abruptly?   I was trying not to but after this morning I don't think being subtle is going to work.  However, maybe stopping the herbs and pray for the best will help to taper things off more smoothly.  I don't know.

Here is another one of those mother mysteries that no one talks about, sheds light on and so we all stumble through painfully.  There is a part of me that wants to eliminate the uncertainty and pain that mothers experience about these first time life events.  With I., she weaned me at 12 months so there was no stumbling and bumbling and trying to figure things out.  It was done, just done and I had no say in it.  At the time I thought nothing was more painful than that.  Now that I've been on the other side, the side of "we have to get this done", it's much more guilt laden than my previous experience.  My plan now is to eliminate the herbs rather than go cold turkey but knowing the consequences of that makes me sad nonetheless.

So amazingly sad.