Strange Day

Tonight was most likely the last night I nursed D. at his bedtime.  I quietly watched him, his perfect "latch" that took so long to get to; the way his eyes rolled back a little and then after a time, his eyelids closed slowly as he relaxed; the sound of him swallowing after feeling the strong tug of his mouth; and the hit of oxytocin that flooded through my body soon after he started nursing.  I let him suckle tonight long after I normally would have let him just cherishing the moment and realizing that this would be the last time I he fell asleep on my breast.  It feels so wrong that I know this fact and he doesn't.

As I nursed him I prayed for comfort for myself and D. during this transition and especially that D. would be secure in my love and physical affection for him.  Being a mother breaks your heart in small pieces over and over again until (and this I'm speaking of with future hope) those broken pieces mend in the form of a happy, adult child who still really loves you. 

I chose tomorrow as opposed to today or yesterday to kick off the bedtime weaning.  One, I wanted the daytime to be a day unto D. and I.  I wanted it to be a day where it was mostly just he and I by ourselves so that I could snuggle with him,   WAIT!

Tomorrow is our music class and then our friends will be coming over to talk and play which means I will be socializing with the mom while the kids play.  That doesn't give me the one on one time to be with D. so tonight will not be the final bedtime feeding.  Probably tomorrow night because Wednesday will be just one on one time with D. 

The other consideration is that on that first night of adjustment, I just want to be able to walk out of the bedroom, where hopefully D. is not crying, and go straight downstairs to the shower to cry for as long as I need to without any witnesses, ie. V.  If V. is around I'm going to feel a need to keep it together and what I'm going to feel a need for is to let it all hang out.  Not necessarily an ugly cry but I will be coming out of the shower with some red eyes. 

I think about how I felt when Mark died and going through this process with D.  While the pain when Mark died was so deep and long lasting, the pain of separating physically from D. is just as deep but is stretched out over time.  It's like ripping the band aid off all at once and feeling the immediate pain as it heals vs. slowly tearing the band aid off little by little, recognizing the pain a dozen times, lightening hot pain but fast, then healing and then repeating it over and over again.  I think about how I. weaned me at a year abruptly and how depressed I was for that week but once we reconnected in different ways, it was all good again.  And I look at weaning with D. and I'd have to say hands down that this experience has been more traumatic on both sides.  I. deciding made it so much easier on both of us.  There was no guilt on my part, just me coming to terms with her decision. 

Today was already a strange day for us.  I got D. down late because it was 2nd quarter awards this morning for I. so he fell asleep at 9:20, about 20-30 minutes later than normal.  He usually sleeps 1.5-2 hours but by 12:25, I started thinking the worst so I opened the door and it woke him up.  It must be all the teeth that are coming in at one time and the fact that he's up at 4:45/5 am.  Anyways, instead of a morning nap and an afternoon rest, it was a trip to the grocery store, play with Mommy, and play outside before getting I. from school.  No afternoon rest time for D. or me.  On the days that we don't have late morning activities, this may become the norm but today, our first, it was strange though I did enjoy it because I not only got quite a bit done in the morning, many hours of the afternoon was dedicated to just D. and I.