I never have been a momma who is constantly looking forward to the next stage of her babies/kids. The week of I.'s first birthday, I was in tears. Of course, it didn't help matters that she weaned herself that same week. That being said, I do notice a slight difference in myself between when I was a first time momma and now when I know this is my last baby.
With I., I didn't want her to get older but I still was in mourning over the loss of my alone time, my personal space, my freedom - basically my former life as I knew it. I still enjoyed I. immensely and each day brought new things that she could do, new ways that she could express herself and gave me a peek into the personality that was developing within her. As she moved from the stage of constant breastfeeding and having to be carried to the solids and stroller stage, I got more breathing room and started to mourn less.
This time around, knowing that this is my last baby, I mourn but for opposite reasons. I love our first morning breastfeeding session in the bed skin to skin and know I'll be lucky if it lasts for another 5 months. I enjoy being able to carry him against me in the sling when we are grocery shopping or walking. I am in no rush to put him in the shopping cart as he'll be in there soon enough and my sling days will be over. So I sling him at every opportunity, relishing the warmth of his body, the softness of his hair against my lips as I kiss him, and the joy I feel when he leans back and two inches off my face, gazes in my eyes and gives a big gummy grin like "Oh, it IS you!" Even going to the gym feels like I'm losing time with him, time that I won't get back.
While each stage does still bring additional joys, I'm consciously living in the moment. Enjoying each moment I have with this little guy, knowing how quickly it all passes. I'm also realizing that I. is almost done with kindergarten and next year, she'll be in full day school. It just kills me because I feel like I won't see her at all. Granted, some afternoons when she gets out of school she is pretty gnarly and hard to handle and a quieter afternoon would be nice. However, I know from experience that I will be wishing for these afternoons back with I., remembering them with fondness and wistfulness.
I think sometimes it's hard for me to celebrate the joy of each moment without hurting over the "never again" part of it and I'm not sure why.
1 comment:
Living in the present is good, really good! Having wonderful memories is also really good! The good part about you is that you can do your own mourning and have those moments of sadness without holding your children back. That too is really good!
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