Post Puerto Rico

I am going to post about our fun time in Puerto Rico as soon as I get the pics edited which is taking longer than expected thanks to new Windows 8 software.  I got some really good pictures so I am looking forward to posting.  Stand by!

Meanwhile, I am processing some difficult emotions and struggling as I do so.  I have a hard time allowing myself to just feel without some sort of analysis or logical rationalization of why I really shouldn't feel this way.  It hasn't served me well in the past and now that I'm aware of it, I'll catch myself at it but somehow am not able to stop berating myself about how I shouldn't feel this way.  Drives me nuts.

Now that I'm home from our Puerto Rico trip, the loss of nursing has hit me hard and taken me by surprise because while on the trip, I thought I was handling it pretty well.  Sometimes it would hit me when I would see a baby or see one nursing but I was still okay so I thought, "Hey, I did my grieving up front before the weaning."  Or so I thought.

These first days back have been upsetting to both D. and I.  Monday morning he became so angry and upset with me because we weren't sitting down to nurse in the morning and it just broke my heart.  Yesterday he was okay first thing in the morning but then after breakfast, instead of puttering around happily, he got upset and cried for awhile.  This morning was better but still we struggle to find/create a new morning routine.  We can't go into my room and read books and snuggle in the rocking chair because he associates that with nursing.  We go downstairs but he doesn't want milk in a cup and it's not a good snuggle place for just the two of us, with I. coming downstairs for a snack and the cats milling around for breakfast.  So we continue the struggle for a suitable substitution.  Neither one of us feels satisfied that we have gotten "together time" before we head back into their bedroom to do I.'s hair.  As a result, we both feel cranky and off-center like something is missing.  That's exactly what it is too; something is definitely missing.

I feel as though I'm having an identity crisis.  I don't feel special any more.  When I was pregnant, I felt special.  I had a human being growing inside of me and only I could experience him moving and feel what was going on with him.  Then he was born and for almost 19 months, I was the only one who could nurse him, who could give him sustenance in this way.   Special didn't mean I was better than anyone, it just meant that I had additional powers, super powers you might say.  It gave me a reason to really take care of myself, to take all my vitamins and milk producing herbs and eat healthy to pass on nutrients to D. to help him grow and be healthy.  Now to be honest, I feel like, "Why bother?"  I mean, it's just me.  I'm not passing on anything to anybody anymore.  I know that's not a healthy thought but it's my thought process right now.  I feel like I went from being one of a kind and special to just the "other parent".  Anything I can do these days, V. could do.  It's as though I had a Platinum card before but had to turn it in for the regular card just like any old Joe Schmo.

My mother half jokingly said today that I should be on an anti-depressant but I think this falls under what Dr. Laura says, "I can't fix normal."  I think grieving at this time is normal.  I know with I. I grieved but the fact that she initiated it and didn't look back made my grief pass more quickly.  Feeling as though I'm withholding from D. that which he knows I could give him adds to my grief exponentially.  Right now the freedom that I have now been afforded is in indirect proportion to the sadness and loss I am feeling. 

Hopefully each day will get a little better.