Feeling a little better about everything today. Not sure why, I just am. Maybe because this Saturday is when I'm meeting with Mark's mom and sister and talking about Mark. I'm not sure what his mom is going to ask me and I'm not sure what I have to say. When I try to think about it, I go blank as I always do when trying to think about something stressful or upsetting.
Last night I had a Facebook chat with Jodi which was what I was hoping for because although I do want to check on her, I don't want all that nasty, negative vitriol cascading into my brain. But I didn't want the anniversary of Mark's death to come around without me communicating with her in some way. The conversation was very short and sweet but then at the end, I was saying to myself, "What, huh?" because this is how it concluded. Let me preface this with the fact that she didn't call me when Mark's headstone was installed in late April, she called Brian.
Jodi: "Did you know Mark's headstone was placed? I didn't tell many people because frankly there isn't a whole lot of people I want anything to do with that has anything to do with that part of my life! Anyways, talk to you later, Jodi."
Can I just say it again - "What, huh?" I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief because she KNOWS she didn't call to tell me so doesn't that put me in that last category? It's not that I particularly care, in fact it's almost a relief to me, but just the lack of tact and consideration for how that would make someone feel is amazing to me. That's exactly why she doesn't get along with so many people. It's actually pretty funny when I think about it.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A Nice Surprise and A Good Day
Today turned into a really good day for me. This morning we met some momma friends at a pumpkin patch for a couple of hours of fun and it was really nice. I. had a really fun time and it was nice to see some friends too. We even had time for I. to eat her lunch at the patch before going to preschool as opposed to in the car like I had anticipated.
A good guy friend of mine, the one that I'm closest to now that Mark is gone, and I traded text messages earlier today and while I was at the pumpkin patch, I texted him the question of whether he could sneak out for lunch today since we've been trying unsuccessfully since Labor Day. Turns out, he could and we did! I took I. to preschool, stayed for chapel and then met him for lunch. This was the first time in four years that I had met him without I. being there which changes the dynamics significantly. So we had lunch, just me and T. as adults. It was so much fun and it was like old times. It made my day and I gave some thought as to why - yes, he's my friend and we always enjoy each other's company but it was more than that. It comforted me because we have a shared history from the past 10-11 years that we refer back to and laugh about - roughly the same time period as Mark and I. And while they aren't the same memories that Mark and I had, it's still that same difficult time period where my friends truly helped keep me alive.
T. was the first one to show up and sit with me in the hospital the first time I tried to no longer be here and I can still remember him holding my hand, talking quietly to me with tears in his eyes. T. was a tough police sergeant so this was a real eye opener for me and caused me much pain. He was the one who took first shift with me so that I would be allowed out of the hospital. He took me to my apartment, was there when my boss called and caused so much stress on me that I hung up on him, and then held me as I sobbed. My other friend B., also in the PD, took second shift until V. could arrive from LA to take over (keep in mind, V. and I were broken up at this time but he loyally came to my aid immediately).
Not to say that I don't need some good momma friends, but this period of my life is so crucial even to my life today, that having 3 of the 4 men who surrounded, supported, loved, and tried their best to protect me is really important to me. Now that Mark is gone, I realize this all the more and am more thankful for the times I get to spend with them.
A good guy friend of mine, the one that I'm closest to now that Mark is gone, and I traded text messages earlier today and while I was at the pumpkin patch, I texted him the question of whether he could sneak out for lunch today since we've been trying unsuccessfully since Labor Day. Turns out, he could and we did! I took I. to preschool, stayed for chapel and then met him for lunch. This was the first time in four years that I had met him without I. being there which changes the dynamics significantly. So we had lunch, just me and T. as adults. It was so much fun and it was like old times. It made my day and I gave some thought as to why - yes, he's my friend and we always enjoy each other's company but it was more than that. It comforted me because we have a shared history from the past 10-11 years that we refer back to and laugh about - roughly the same time period as Mark and I. And while they aren't the same memories that Mark and I had, it's still that same difficult time period where my friends truly helped keep me alive.
T. was the first one to show up and sit with me in the hospital the first time I tried to no longer be here and I can still remember him holding my hand, talking quietly to me with tears in his eyes. T. was a tough police sergeant so this was a real eye opener for me and caused me much pain. He was the one who took first shift with me so that I would be allowed out of the hospital. He took me to my apartment, was there when my boss called and caused so much stress on me that I hung up on him, and then held me as I sobbed. My other friend B., also in the PD, took second shift until V. could arrive from LA to take over (keep in mind, V. and I were broken up at this time but he loyally came to my aid immediately).
Not to say that I don't need some good momma friends, but this period of my life is so crucial even to my life today, that having 3 of the 4 men who surrounded, supported, loved, and tried their best to protect me is really important to me. Now that Mark is gone, I realize this all the more and am more thankful for the times I get to spend with them.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Another Piece of the Mark Puzzle
I've been busy this week battling a sinus infection which has my ears so clogged that they feel like they are painfully on the verge of explosion. No amount of yawning helps - believe me, I've tried. But I wanted to post a small little piece of information that made me happy.
Mark's wife called this evening in preparation for their Celebration of Life BBQ taking place on Sunday. Last night I made a big poster talking up our upcoming walk and also had an idea of making another poster titled "Send Your Positive Vibes to Mark!" which included some neat scrapbooking stickers and will allow people at the party to write notes to Mark. The idea came to me since there are going to be around 70 people at this party and Mark never seems to realize just how much people like him and what a difference he makes in others' lives.
Anyways, in the course of conversation, she said that they had been going to counseling because all sorts of emotions that he wasn't able to deal with the past year have all been surfacing probably because he feels better physically. She said this counseling has been a godsend because he has a very difficult time talking about it though he told her that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. It was like a warm balm on my soul to hear that because I so feel the same way. Last time he and I had a good long talk on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we really delved into things going on in his head, heart and soul. Our conversation was so below the normal surface of conversation that all I can say is that it fed our inner souls.
I struggle with how this sounds, kind of corny, and wonder how this fits into our lives with our spouses but you know it somehow does without interfering or minimizing those relationships. It's hard to explain but it works. For me, V. truly is my other half - my best friend, lover and partner in life - we not only love each, we like each other and 99% of the time believe that we are looking out for each other and always view ourselves as a team against whatever may come. Mark isn't my lover or my partner - that's his relationship with Jodi - but he is my best friend too and we were there to support, love, care, and look out for each other long before V. and Jodi were in the picture. Because we were lonely at times and struggling most of the time with what life was throwing at us 20 somethin's, we drew as close to one another as most couples do without the romantic part for which I am so thankful because it allows us to still be this close without interfering with our marriages. It's as though we were each other's "dry run" for our spouses.
It's still very bizarre sounding and I've probably overanalyzed it to death but I have to admit two things: one, this relationsip fascinates me because of its uniqueness and two, I am so grateful to be part of it.
Mark's wife called this evening in preparation for their Celebration of Life BBQ taking place on Sunday. Last night I made a big poster talking up our upcoming walk and also had an idea of making another poster titled "Send Your Positive Vibes to Mark!" which included some neat scrapbooking stickers and will allow people at the party to write notes to Mark. The idea came to me since there are going to be around 70 people at this party and Mark never seems to realize just how much people like him and what a difference he makes in others' lives.
Anyways, in the course of conversation, she said that they had been going to counseling because all sorts of emotions that he wasn't able to deal with the past year have all been surfacing probably because he feels better physically. She said this counseling has been a godsend because he has a very difficult time talking about it though he told her that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. It was like a warm balm on my soul to hear that because I so feel the same way. Last time he and I had a good long talk on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we really delved into things going on in his head, heart and soul. Our conversation was so below the normal surface of conversation that all I can say is that it fed our inner souls.
I struggle with how this sounds, kind of corny, and wonder how this fits into our lives with our spouses but you know it somehow does without interfering or minimizing those relationships. It's hard to explain but it works. For me, V. truly is my other half - my best friend, lover and partner in life - we not only love each, we like each other and 99% of the time believe that we are looking out for each other and always view ourselves as a team against whatever may come. Mark isn't my lover or my partner - that's his relationship with Jodi - but he is my best friend too and we were there to support, love, care, and look out for each other long before V. and Jodi were in the picture. Because we were lonely at times and struggling most of the time with what life was throwing at us 20 somethin's, we drew as close to one another as most couples do without the romantic part for which I am so thankful because it allows us to still be this close without interfering with our marriages. It's as though we were each other's "dry run" for our spouses.
It's still very bizarre sounding and I've probably overanalyzed it to death but I have to admit two things: one, this relationsip fascinates me because of its uniqueness and two, I am so grateful to be part of it.
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