My life is a lot like sand that drifts when a wind blows across it. When the wind stops blowing for a moment, I think, "Okay, I can do this. I get it." Then the wind begins to blow again and by the time it stops, the sand is in all different places and shapes. Then I think, "Wait, what happened? It's all different again." Here's some examples of what I'm talking about.
We're going on Month 16 of potty training. That sounds contradictory to be sure and believe me, it sure damn well feels contradictory and a whole lotta other stuff that could be expressed in question marks, exclamation points, and asterisks. A whole lotta asterisks now that I think about it. I. went 2 whole weeks earlier this year without having an accident and I mistakenly thought, "Oh, finally she's potty trained." Then it was 2-3 times a day until I got smart and started having her wash the underwear and since then it's been averaging 1-2 times a day, a few days dry here and there. Today it was 5 times - 3 times between 8 and noon and then twice in the afternoon (once while she was at school and once afterwards). I even asked her preschool teachers to keep reminding her today and they did but she kept saying she didn't need to go until it all came out on the playground. I ask her why and she says she doesn't know and clams up. Talk about following in her father's footsteps. Obviously she took a page out of his playbook. Great, now I've got two noncommunicators to deal with...
In my therapist appointment, I. was a big topic because I feel like she's really changed emotionally and mentally over the summer and because of that, I've got a new kid to navigate this school year. She just seems to feel more now and take everything in more deeply. As a result, she experiences a huge surge of emotion that she doesn't know what to deal with and because she is a non-communicator, she doesn't tell me and I don't realize it until she's melting down. Thanks to this book I've been reading ("Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka) , I'm at least beginning to understand what's going on and that she has changed. It's helped me try to teach her how to calmly deal with these big emotions she's now feeling and it has been helping quite often. But I'm still learning so I'm still stepping in it on a regular basis. The comforting thing for me is that I don't feel so bewildered as I did this summer and because I. and I are alot alike, understanding what she needs to keep steady is really understanding what I need to keep steady. After my appointment today, I had just enough time to read a chapter from this book and boy, did it hit home! This paragraph hit me square in the eyes because this is exactly where she has changed in the last 4 months and what we've been struggling with:
"Problems occur for sensitive children when they are overwhelmed by the amount of stimulation and emotional stress around them. It can happen easily because within sensitive children emotions and sensations are collected and concentrated. They are soaked up rather than diffused. When this occurs, a pressure can build that overpowers their control system."
This overwhelming feeling can happen at the end of a school day or week after being with new schoolmates, new teachers or after watching a rated G but emotional movie (like any old school Disney movie). Or any number of things that I haven't yet stumbled upon. It's up to me to help her identify how's she feeling, why she's feeling that way, that it's okay to feel that way, and help her choose a good way to alleviate the feelings and feel good again. This is a real challenge for me because I don't feel like I know how to do that for myself let alone be a teacher of these coping mechanisms to someone else. The irony is not lost upon me.
I won't give up though and I cannot say how much it would mean to me for I. to be able to understand herself, accept who she is and how she works, and how to successfully navigate those emotional reactions. If she can learn that at an early age, I would be so proud of myself. I know that sounds self-centered but the fact is, she's not very open at all to talking about how she's feeling or what made her feel that way in the first place. So if she ends up successful at this, it's going to be a result of me really making a concerted effort to observe and stay in tune with her, talk about it with her in a way to avoid her shutting down, and provide her with examples of things that will help calm her. Just thinking of all that is exhausting for my brain. My brain is constantly thinking about many different things simultaneously and to now add watching for danger signals of I. feels overwhelming to me.
But it will and would be so worth it. I just know it will.
1 comment:
April, as I was reading your blog I was remembering a young girl I used to see who had a lot of anger issues, but was very non-verbal. For weeks on end she would come in, say very little but make some very violent sandtrays--She is highly intelligent and very creative in how she did it. Even though she said very little you could tell she was more relaxed when she left. So...maybe some nonverbal expressions of a sort might be helpful for I. Just a thought.
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