Contemplation

All three of today's goals were met thankfully and it was a nice time though I didn't get to glance at the magazine I brought. That was just wishful thinking. Instead I stood in the frigid water while I. ran and jumped over waves and held her hand as she tried to balance on the boogie board. I couldn't have asked for better weather at the beach though and we had fun.

When we got home around 3:15, it was 92 degrees and felt like it. Then it started getting dark and it actually started raining big fat raindrops - pretty wild. Now it's four hours later and when I went outside to see if it was cool enough to turn off the A/C, I could smell rain and it was a lot cooler. I love the smell of rain, so I decided to enjoy the smell and the coolness on my skin, and bring the computer outside to post.

Sitting out here posting of course, takes me back to exactly a year ago when I was out here, howling at the moon in despair, grief, and anger over Mark's demise and death. It takes me right back. I'm grateful though that things are much better with V. and I now than they were one year ago. Although he still is away working M-F, we cherish the little things and our time together on the weekends. We are tighter as a couple and I think due to everything that has happened in the past year, our relationship is stronger. I don't feel like we are two separate individuals living separate lives in separate places which is how I felt exactly a year ago. That's a major improvement.

About a month ago, I was really sad thinking about us because I felt like we were broken though in repair. We always have gotten along so well that we would argue about once a year during our first six years of marriage. We didn't sweat the small stuff and trusted each other to have each other's backs thus resulting in a peaceful coexistence. This past year was different and it was hell. A shitty year all around. Just these last couple of weeks I've realized that maybe I shouldn't be sad, maybe I should just be proud of us. Proud that we stuck it through, stayed loyal and we are closer and stronger for that now. I think most people who have been married a long time have had those bad times, those times when you wonder "who is this person?" and wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I know my parents have had several bad times in their marriage, a couple of which I was witness to but they've been married over 40 years and they have a great marriage. Good marriages have these times and they are still together having fun, sharing laughs, and remaining loyal to each other.

Maybe it's that perfection aspect of my personality that got my thinking all screwed up. We're no longer broken any more but we are healing. I kind of think of it as a burn victim - part of that healing process is taking off the old dead skin to reveal the pink, fresh skin underneath. For us, those layers of dead skin were the ones that grew while V. was working in Saudi Arabia for the past couple of years. They may have helped us continue living without going into a depression but they built up to the point where we no longer could deeply feel. Because if we deeply felt something, it would hurt too damn much. Now those layers are being peeled off, sometimes many layers ripped off at one time, sometimes just one layer at a time. But I feel confident that we are getting to those sensitive fresh layers that allow us to feel deeply, passionately, and strongly about one another again.