...that at the end of some of the best days I have, I feel the most pain and loneliness about Mark? That seems opposite to me. The good times should make me happy and sustain me. But I've noticed that when I'm feeling my best and thankful throughout the day, those are the nights that I feel the worst and the saddest (at least when V. is not here).
It strikes me as odd but I guess I should be thankful since before I was sad and weepy during the day and then haunted at night. So happy during the day and sad at night should be an improvement, right? Yeah, I guess so, I'm just not used to this new, sad normal. While Mark was alive, I knew he was going to die but until that reality is smashed against your face, you're always in some state of denial though you don't realize it until afterwards; a few seconds afterwards, a few hours, days, months - it still doesn't seem real to be honest. But my mind remembers it picture perfect and it is more than real, horrifically so. Past bad dreams have nothing on what current bad dreams are. There are better days waiting for me ahead, I just know it. There just has to be...
No comments:
Post a Comment