Helpful Words from Unexpected Sources

I've been in recent communication with the past teacher of the Mommy and Me class that I. and I were involved in for the past 2 years. She is a therapist by trade and used to work with hospice and was aware of Mark. We just recently had some email contact and in our exchanges, she wrote some things that helped me unexpectedly.

"Grief is hard work. You gave Mark such a gift to be the kind of friend willing to walk that painful road with him. I've seen many people who did not have friends as... brave, selfless, loving. He was lucky to have you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better. His greatest legacy will be in giving something positive to your life and the lives of others he loved --- not in destroying those lives because of grief. It honors him to find joy again."

When I read it, I felt proud and relieved that I was this kind of friend to Mark because truly that is the kind of friendship we had throughout life, so why not at the end of it as well? Of course, this leads me to think of who will be there to walk me to the end of the road and that scares me since I don't make friends all that easily.

It also made me feel more okay with the fact that I am feeling more like myself and less raw. Yes, the pain is softening. Can I eat 3 full meals a day? No, but that's where I'm at right now. I'm functioning, not miserable and sobbing, and starting to be able to think about the times Mark and I had together during our years together. Yes, that last week, the last long hug, the last time we spoke to each other, the last time we smiled broadly at each other - it all still haunts me. Mostly because all those "lasts" took place late Sunday afternoon and he was dead by Thursday morning. It's just so surreal how fast it happened but even more surreal because it feels/felt like those were the longest 4 days of my life. It's like a bad dream really.

Then I think back to what I.'s teacher said about giving Mark the gift of being a friend that walks that painful road with him and that makes me feel warm inside; not quite happy, just warm. Because I know I did the right thing and that means a lot to me when it comes to Mark. It may have cost me alot personally, but the fact that he knew I was there before he slipped into unconsciousness and was responding to what I was whispering to him towards the end, makes the pain very worthwhile.

Grief is hard work! I have noticed that the nights I have dreams about Mark, I am more exhausted the next day even if I have gone to bed at a decent time and have gotten a little extra sleep. I'll just have to continue my journey and see where it leads me.