What a Difference a Day Can Make

Yesterday, I dropped off I. at my mom's house so that they could do a Christmas craft together for a few hours and I could head over to Target to take care of stocking stuffers, cards, and a gift for Mark's baby. It was such a treat to be able to take my time picking out the right cards and then meandering through the $1 bins getting stuffer stuff. Moved on to the PJ area and it was so crowded in the aisleway, I parked my full cart on the outside of the aisle while I ventured deep in search of the right PJs for the girls. I found them and emerged a couple of minutes later to place them in my cart. Wait, where's my cart? You know the one with the special cards, the stocking stuffers I spent way too much time picking out, the great toy for Mark's baby that was the last one they had. Yeah, that cart. Which seems to be gone. As in GONE GONE. I look around, check out other people's carts just in case, have a Target employee go in the backroom to see if they put it back there for some reason. But no, it's just gone.

So, what do I do? I cry. This coming from a person who doesn't cry very often, certainly not in front of others, and most of the time can't cry even when she wants to. But right there in the PJ section of Target I cry. Not sobbing, snotty, loud crying but the tearing up, sniffling kind of crying but in my heart, I was sobbing. I had to go back, get another cart and try to repick everything I had. Of course, a few of the cards, the baby toy, and some of I.'s stuffer items were the last they had so that didn't help with my recovery. I was surprised by my reaction but just let myself "be" for a change, figuring that this sudden loss of a cart, unexpected and unfair finally opened the floodgates (just a little) to my buried feelings about Mark (ie. loss, unexpected, and unfair). My therapist would be proud.

Today I. and I had a great day, probably the best since V.'s been gone. We had a lot of fun together and she has been a lot more physically affectionate with me as a result of V. not being here, which is sad due to the reason but I'll take it! We laughed, hugged, played, and even relaxed a little together.



It was just one of those days when I'm proud of myself and so happy with my little world.

I. and I have been invited tomorrow to an early dinner at Mark's parents' house, where he is now living. I am really touched by this since they have been including me in things as though I am family. To show my gratitude, Italian style, I made some Cranberry Almond biscotti tonight. It looks very festive! It's been about 8 years since I've made it and forgot how long the process takes. But, I'm always excited to see just part of the finished product:



V.'s phone has not been working the last 2 days. Supposedly some cable was cut in the Mediterranean thus spotty phone service. I guess I should be thankful though 'cause the guy he went over there with, tripped 2 days ago and fell so hard that he's still in the hospital. No broken bones but he's so swollen up that they've been keeping him. The scary thing is that he had a blood clot (due to the long flights to Saudi Arabia) about 6 months ago and is still battling that with medication. So this fall is not good considering he's flying home on the 23rd on a God awful long 24 hour flight.

Four more days until V.'s home and then I can rest easy for a little while...