This morning after D. got up from his nap, we went over to the pool for awhile to extend our trip and we all had a good time. D. and I roughhoused and loved each other up in the pool and then we went and visited I. and V. in the big pool. Headed out after lunch to my parents' house to drop off the kiddos and then we grabbed dinner by our home before we went home to pack and get ready for the New York trip. As we ate, I was missing the kids a lot. V. was wondering how I was going to cope with being so far away from them but to be honest, being around our house without them with me makes me miss them more. These are the places I'm with them. When we're away, of course I miss them but I don't expect them there. It won't feel weird with them not there in New York because I've never been there with them.
Have to get up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to make it to our New York flight in the morning. Egads! It's going to be brutal. I have ear plugs and my Bose earphones to try and be able to nod off at the beginning of the flight. Just hoping that I will not have my usual first day insomnia when we get there....Lunesta samples take me away!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Day 37
Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Days 32-36
We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now). The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again. It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?" As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 28 Through 31
Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor. "We" being V., I and the kiddos. First time he's looked with us. It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids. Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out. However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Days 24 Through 27
Wednesday was day 24 and while I. was at camp, D. and I went looking at some houses with our realtor friend. Luckily a couple were vacant and he enjoyed running around them turning fans and lights on and off and opening doors. She and I were able to discuss my thoughts on putting our house on the market before we left on vacation as she had suggested. Her reasons were good ones, logical ones and connected with my mind. However, this decision is still a little like jumping off a cliff thanks to a hot market and there is a real possibility that we sell our house before we've found a suitable replacement. That being said, the interest rates are going up as are the prices and summer is flying by so unless I want to miss an opportunity to have a yard, I need to list the house. I was waiting to feel that feeling of "now is the time" but I realized that my risk-averse temperament is not going to ever get me there. I feel like my intuition will clue me into the right property to move into - I just hope it gets listed when we are out there fervently looking.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
So Much
As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Day 22 & 23
There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me. I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together. It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger. What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old. Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together. Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.
D. 30 minutes old
Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class. In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor. It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day. I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.
Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one. We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.
We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself. With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time. He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him. Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch. Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it. Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me. Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo. Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there? I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out. The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well.
I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I. I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed. She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me. I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore. I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring. We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy. Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did). I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about. She liked that. Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic. Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good. I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.
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