Rain Clouds

Today's weather finally matches how I feel. Instead of brilliant sunshine, blue skies, and fluffy white clouds, it's overcast, dreary, and much cooler than it has been in months. I just realized that I smell rain and looking outside, there are some big fat drops on the ground. I hear thunder rumbling in the distance which is really rare around here and it sounds perfect to me. It's really soothing to have the outside match my insides for a change.

For the first time in over a month, I woke up this morning to a nice dream rather than a nightmare. In it a good friend of mine, with whom I was to have coffee with this morning (someone killed someone during the night and since he's the Homicide Lt., he had to take care of it, damn murderers!), was hugging me, saying how much he cared about me and loved me. Then all these neighbors, friends, and random people came to my door with little presents to show how sorry they were for my loss. I woke up feeling cared for and warm. Then I remembered reality (damn reality!) so I promptly pulled the sheet over my head and just lay there reliving my dream for a few minutes longer because it just felt so nice.

Now the weekend yawns in front of us with me scrambling to find ways to make it feel like a weekend rather than another weekday, as they usually do when V. is gone. You would think I would be better at this by now since he's been gone practically all the time for 9 months and I was before Mark died, it's just been since that I've been floundering. I'm thinking of calling Jodi and seeing if she wants to meet at Mark's favorite restaurant for lunch on Sunday. Monday afternoon, we're having a late lunch/early dinner at Mark's parents' house so I don't know if that's going to be too much. Plus, a playdate on Monday morning - ugh. Thus, my reluctance to book Sunday.

The rain is really coming down now. I love it. I feel like the summer rain clouds overhead - they really shouldn't be there because it's summer but they are, they're full of water, and they need to let it out, summertime or not. I'm looking forward to after I. goes to bed, to sit outside, smell the rain, and just be, me and the rainclouds.