I Miss My Friend

Finally got around to downloading pictures for the last month and there were some pictures of Mark and I from our last "normal" day together and it took me by surprise. This picture tears me up and I began hyperventilating as I was sobbing and still continue to sob. Partly because I miss his smile and him. But also because I look at both of our smiles and see the pure joy and beauty of our friendship despite the life situations. Anyone can look at our faces and see the joy that we have just being together.

Keep in mind that it was just a few hours after this picture was taken on Sunday afternoon, that Mark started the steep decline and finally died on Thursday at 10:52 am. While I am so thankful for getting to read him all our good memories, hug him tightly, and be there with him to the end, my grief is deep, painful, and far reaching. I am changed forever having seen and been through everything I've gone through the last month - it's not even the viewing or the funeral. I could contain that - it's the actual watching my best friend my age slowly die over 3 days that has changed me. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through and the things I saw and experienced during those 3 days haunt me. I saw and experienced the human pain of others - his wife Jodi, his sister, and his parents and that pain was more than I ever had felt and all this was in addition to my own pain.

Will write more later - too overwhelmed now.

I am so thankful that I have this picture though because it captures our friendship. Here is the photo from almost exactly a year ago when I flew up to Seattle for a weekend to be with Mark.