I revisited my blogs from last July when I went to see Mark in Seattle when he was hospitalized. Very consistent in my thoughts and fears for what the future held. But comforting that I still feel the same way now that I felt then.
July 2008: "On Sunday, Mark’s wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.
In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced."
That says it all.
1 comment:
April, you are so right, your grief is so deep and so real. It cannot be discounted. I always feel so honored when you share such personal things such as the card Mark gave to you. Somehow it helps me get some glimpses into the depth of your friendship with Mark. I am so glad you have those as tangible things to hold onto. Even when people don't get it, it doesn't change your grief other than at times perhaps add more anger to the fire. I hope I never do that to you. If I do call me on it. I am praying that you can get some hours of decent sleep tonight. Cheryl
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