About 80% of me feels like if the Year 2009 was standing in front of me, I'd flip a big ole birdie at it 'cause on many fronts, it's been a shitty year. Namely, because Mark died and V. was gone the whole friggin' year. Two important males in my life just were gone and I felt very "left". How could I not? The foundations of my life and my own mortality were shaken this year - I feel anxiety about both topics and if my life can go back to normal once V. is back home remains to be seen. I might also flip the birdie to 2009 in defiance to say, "No matter what you or your other past buddies have thrown at me, I'M STILL HERE!"
The other 20% of me looks back at 2009 wistfully. This is the year my baby girl turned 4, began the process of wearing underpants, and went to preschool. What a year 2009 has been for her! For these things I am grateful because I. has been so excited about these things and how could I not share her joy? It's also the last full year of my 30's - ugh. I try to remind myself back when I was 29, going on 30 that I was down about that too but I've got to tell you, my 30's were SO MUCH better than my 20's were not only for the life situations that occurred but also for the way I became so much more comfortable with myself and unapologetic for who I was. Now, as I approach the end of my 30's, I feel like this process will only continue and allow myself even more freedom to just be who I know I am and not be who I am not and most importantly, be okay with that. The one portion of this 20% that I am not wistful about, just plain thankful, is that even though I would MUCH rather have V. home full-time with us, I. and I have truly bonded in a way we probably would not have if it hadn't just been the two of us. That is something that will hopefully go a long way in our future when times get tough, as I know they will. My dad worked a lot when I was little and it was really just my mom and I and we were and still are very close. She was the person I had the most fun with and when I went into my teenage years, there were some bumps but really nothing big because she and I viewed ourselves as being on the same team. I hope this past year has poured us a thick, sturdy foundation for us upon which we will build the rest of our life's relationship.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Kickback Day in Palm Desert
Yesterday was a physically exhausting day what with packing, cleaning the cat room and equipment, carrying everything down 3 flights of stairs, loading the car, driving 2 hours, and then unloading the car including carrying everything up another flight of stairs. I was pooped and not looking forward to Saturday when I'll have to do it all again.
Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.
The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...
Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.
The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Unexpected Emotions
I thought I had successfully navigated making it through Christmas in one piece, emotionally speaking. So imagine my surprise on the eve of my vacation finding myself really down. I can't believe it. I was at the gym when it hit me like a door in the face so I jumped on the treadmill where all my really good, insightful thinking occurs. About 15 minutes later, I realized why I am feeling so down. I know, I really should be better at this "figuring my emotions out" by this stage in life but I'm not and it takes so work to drill down to the source.
Anyways, here it is: this is the first time since 2001 that I spent this week between Christmas and New Year's not hibernating somewhere with V. Even last year, when he missed Christmas, we still had our hibernation to look forward to. So it's another one of those firsts that I could have done without. Here I thought I was circumventing this by making sure I wasn't sitting at home on New Year's and while a scenery change and change of place will be quite nice before starting off the new year, it's not the same. Not even a little. This week was always for us (V. and I) to relax, to relish in unstructured days, afternoons, and evenings. Before I. was born, it was the highlight of our year to just cut lose and act like irresponsible human beings rather than the stressed, responsibility-laden professionals that we had to be all year long.
I remember one year, after a particularly horrible year, all we could hear on that winding, 2 lane road up the mountain to Idyllwild were the cacophony of clankings going on in the trunk of the various bottles of liquor as they swayed against one another. Every time they clanked, it would just set us off laughing all over again. Needless to say, after that 4 or 5 days, there wasn't much clanking on the way back down the mountain. I.'s second year up, it started snowing so hard that we barely made it into Idyllwild but couldn't get any farther where our cabin was. We had to park and I was running around town in my sneakers trying to find someplace that had a vacancy for us for that night. Very stressful at the time, but a funny memory looking back. I. was not even 2 months when she went up for her first visit and the pictures and video I have from that visit is especially sweet. Us and our new little family, hibernating together in the cabin. So many good memories....
I am looking forward to our vacation but part of me is just really sad about it. I'm already missing the cat's company at night - how pathetic is that?! Once we get out there, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying it for what it is - it's not a replacement of our hibernation week in Idyllwild, it just can't be without V. It is a change of pace and scenery for I. and I and a reward to me for making it to the last day of the year still standing and pretty much intact. That is definitely something to celebrate. And hopefully we all can hibernate together in the next few months.
Anyways, here it is: this is the first time since 2001 that I spent this week between Christmas and New Year's not hibernating somewhere with V. Even last year, when he missed Christmas, we still had our hibernation to look forward to. So it's another one of those firsts that I could have done without. Here I thought I was circumventing this by making sure I wasn't sitting at home on New Year's and while a scenery change and change of place will be quite nice before starting off the new year, it's not the same. Not even a little. This week was always for us (V. and I) to relax, to relish in unstructured days, afternoons, and evenings. Before I. was born, it was the highlight of our year to just cut lose and act like irresponsible human beings rather than the stressed, responsibility-laden professionals that we had to be all year long.
I remember one year, after a particularly horrible year, all we could hear on that winding, 2 lane road up the mountain to Idyllwild were the cacophony of clankings going on in the trunk of the various bottles of liquor as they swayed against one another. Every time they clanked, it would just set us off laughing all over again. Needless to say, after that 4 or 5 days, there wasn't much clanking on the way back down the mountain. I.'s second year up, it started snowing so hard that we barely made it into Idyllwild but couldn't get any farther where our cabin was. We had to park and I was running around town in my sneakers trying to find someplace that had a vacancy for us for that night. Very stressful at the time, but a funny memory looking back. I. was not even 2 months when she went up for her first visit and the pictures and video I have from that visit is especially sweet. Us and our new little family, hibernating together in the cabin. So many good memories....
I am looking forward to our vacation but part of me is just really sad about it. I'm already missing the cat's company at night - how pathetic is that?! Once we get out there, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying it for what it is - it's not a replacement of our hibernation week in Idyllwild, it just can't be without V. It is a change of pace and scenery for I. and I and a reward to me for making it to the last day of the year still standing and pretty much intact. That is definitely something to celebrate. And hopefully we all can hibernate together in the next few months.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Boxing Day - My Style
I'm not sure what Boxing Day means in Canada, but here in my household now that I. is here, Boxing Day means spending a lot of time reorganizing toys - moving still useful toys that are not played with too often to the downstairs closet, moving no longer played with toys to the garage, and donating all those toy items that I have been dying to get rid of. This once a year project led to I.'s bedroom closet project which included closet reorganization, the addition of toys, and a major bookshelf overhaul in which most of the baby board books were removed to make room for additional, age appropriate books. You see, my parents kept all of my and my 2 siblings books so to say that we have a lot of children's books would be an understatement. Not that I'm complaining about that except that we don't have a lot of storage and between keeping her clothes, her baby equipment, baby toys plus boxes of books (and these are just through age 11 or so), we're running out of room and quickly.
Once I started in the garage adding MORE things to it, I realized there was some overdue memorabilia boxes of mine that could stand to be whittled down and combined into smaller boxes. So I did that and was left with 5 additional boxes I could get rid of which is pretty good. The garage is far from being contained but it is much more organized and compact as of right now. All these projects took me 4 hours to do and at the end, I was physically tired and achy (especially since I went to the gym this morning) but very happy with my productiveness. I still needed to unpack the shopping bags of stuff from Christmas at my parents but I needed a break more.
So I showered and went to see the movie "It's Complicated" and enjoyed it immensely. I found it very funny and it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Something's Gotta Give", probably because it was written and directed by the same person. I laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed myself then came home to Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner. Yes, I am on the couch tonight even though I. isn't home but not for the whole evening and on my terms. I knew the movie theater would be extra crowded tonight and that I would be too tired to enjoy a movie this evening so I went to the 4:30 showing which is still a real treat considering I have to be home by 3pm these days.
Even though I did miss I., this was a really good, satisfyingly productive day that needed to happen. I am looking forward to our getaway next week in Palm Desert just I. and I and have penciled in some tricycle riding and downtime just for us to play since I won't have as many responsibilities surrounding me out there. Something to look forward to...just what the doctor ordered!
Once I started in the garage adding MORE things to it, I realized there was some overdue memorabilia boxes of mine that could stand to be whittled down and combined into smaller boxes. So I did that and was left with 5 additional boxes I could get rid of which is pretty good. The garage is far from being contained but it is much more organized and compact as of right now. All these projects took me 4 hours to do and at the end, I was physically tired and achy (especially since I went to the gym this morning) but very happy with my productiveness. I still needed to unpack the shopping bags of stuff from Christmas at my parents but I needed a break more.
So I showered and went to see the movie "It's Complicated" and enjoyed it immensely. I found it very funny and it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Something's Gotta Give", probably because it was written and directed by the same person. I laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed myself then came home to Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner. Yes, I am on the couch tonight even though I. isn't home but not for the whole evening and on my terms. I knew the movie theater would be extra crowded tonight and that I would be too tired to enjoy a movie this evening so I went to the 4:30 showing which is still a real treat considering I have to be home by 3pm these days.
Even though I did miss I., this was a really good, satisfyingly productive day that needed to happen. I am looking forward to our getaway next week in Palm Desert just I. and I and have penciled in some tricycle riding and downtime just for us to play since I won't have as many responsibilities surrounding me out there. Something to look forward to...just what the doctor ordered!
Christmas Day
I was so exhausted by the time I got home last night around 9pm that I couldn't even attempt to blog. My body felt like it had been through a car accident from a long day plus hours on my feet on the hard tile helping fix Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, a good night's sleep was not in the cards and I literally had a nightmare every time I turned over (and I was turning over a lot because my body was achy).
Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!
As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.
Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!
Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!
As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.
Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve - Lessons Learned
Christmas Eve and I"m here sitting on the couch by myself but this year is SO much better than last year. First of all, I KNEW I was going to be sitting here by myself so that allowed me time to plan for it. Today was a really good day. I. and I baked for hours this morning - gingerbread for us and Santa, then cranberry almond bread and a baked egg dish for tomorrow's Christmas brunch at my parents'. We had fun cooking together and it felt good to be productive and stay at home most of the day with the Christmas music playing. It felt like Christmas Eve, not just a regular ole day. After she went to bed, I took a bath while reading a book and having a glass of wine.
Secondly, tonight V. and I were able to webcam and I got to see him open his presents up on his Christmas morning which was nice. Unfortunately, he won't get to see I. open her presents up tomorrow morning because all the staff is going out for Christmas dinner. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.
Thirdly, I know from last year that watching a traditional Christmas show tonight by myself makes it worse. So, this year I watched my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes and it feels special.
I wrote my first Santa note back to I. and I feel like an official adult parent. I even did it with my left hand like my dad used to do for me. Since I am Santa, I will be having a piece of gingerbread and a glass of milk before I go to bed. Mmmm.....
Secondly, tonight V. and I were able to webcam and I got to see him open his presents up on his Christmas morning which was nice. Unfortunately, he won't get to see I. open her presents up tomorrow morning because all the staff is going out for Christmas dinner. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.
Thirdly, I know from last year that watching a traditional Christmas show tonight by myself makes it worse. So, this year I watched my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes and it feels special.
I wrote my first Santa note back to I. and I feel like an official adult parent. I even did it with my left hand like my dad used to do for me. Since I am Santa, I will be having a piece of gingerbread and a glass of milk before I go to bed. Mmmm.....
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Great Afternoon!
Last night I attempted to put together the tricycle and did well until the last step and got stuck. So I sent a HELP text message to a good friend of mine who has put together a few trikes and he said he would come help me out. He came over during I.'s resttime and quickly got it finished. Just for the record, the instructions left out 3 crucial details that you would only know if you had already put one together. Thank goodness he was able and willing to help - what a great friend!
About 15 minutes after he left, the doorbell rang and I opened it to discover a beautiful array of flowers with a big teddy bear tied to the vase. The card read: "Pretty Lady/Daddy's Little Cutie, Merry Christmas! I miss you both. I will be home soon. Love, V./Daddy"
About 15 minutes after he left, the doorbell rang and I opened it to discover a beautiful array of flowers with a big teddy bear tied to the vase. The card read: "Pretty Lady/Daddy's Little Cutie, Merry Christmas! I miss you both. I will be home soon. Love, V./Daddy"
Wow! So he did get me something after all which makes me happy. I'm wondering if he was planning on it for awhile or if it was in response to something I did on Monday. No, no, it's not some evil plan. I borrowed a book about marriage and was reading it on Monday night. In it, they talk about how important "respect" is to a husband; it's what "love" is to a wife. They challenge you to communicate to your husband that you respect him and why - nothing long, just something simple. The author swears that you'll see a reaction from your husband.
Being that V. is 8300 miles away, I sent him an email telling him how much I respected the hard work, long hours, and personal sacrifice he is making without any real complaint which allows me to stay at home and raise our daughter full-time. He called a couple of hours later for our normal chat but didn't say anything and never acknowledged it via email either but I know he got it. So, I'm wondering if these flowers are that "reaction" the author was talking about or if it was planned before then.
I'll tell you one thing, I'M NOT ASKING! Because to ask is to jinx it, I just know it! I'll just look at my pretty Christmas flowers and smile...
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