A Really Good Day

A good day today for us! For the past couple of months, I've been craving breakfast at a specific restaurant but would always find reasons why I "shouldn't" go. But this morning, I was really craving it and in keeping with my current philosophy of "do it now", I. and I went and had breakfast out on a Saturday morning. Boy did it ever hit the spot and it put me in a good mood to do something pleasurable for the heck of it and have it be out of our normal routine. After satisfying that craving, we went straight to the gym to hopefully neutralize some of the dietary damage that was done.

After resttime, I decided that we would still go out for our usual Saturday linner despite eating out for breakfast. That would have been a definite "should not" before but I figured I would break the rules this once and I'm so glad I did because something unexpected happened that a couple of different things put into motion.

First, I bent my rule of no more than 1 meal out a day. Secondly, when we were driving by On the Border yesterday, I. asked what kind of food was at that restaurant and when I told her Mexican, she said she wanted to eat there on Saturday, as opposed to our El Torito tradition. So this afternoon, we went there and sat in a booth in the back of the bar area (nice and loud in there with lots of activity to keep I. entertained). We had been there about 15 minutes or so when I looked to my left and there was one of the waiters waiting for his drink orders. I couldn't see his face, just his hair but for some reason I kept looking long enough for him to lean back and OH MY GOSH - IT WAS LUIS - our waiter from El Torito who was like family (see http://feistymommy.blogspot.com/2008/11/catching-up-from-thanksgiving.html ). He's been "our" waiter since before V. and I were married for crying out loud. We had I.'s 3rd birthday celebration there because of him! So we talked and laughed and I felt so happy because we found him again and better yet, he's just down the street from us. The only sad part, which will work itself out in time, is that even though I. did remember him, it's been exactly a year since she last saw him so she was acting shy, uncertain, and refused to smile at him. But, like I said, that'll work itself out. You can be sure that when V. is gone in Saudi Arabia, we will be having our linners there so that we will be taken especially good care of by a newly found friend!

Striving to Be An Exceptional Momma

I know I wrote a post about wanting to make this next year really count but I can't seem to find that post. Today in the shower, after getting I. in bed, this topic popped in my mind (if it's not the treadmill, it's the shower - the times when my mind relaxes and wanders). And it hit me - I've done two things memorably and singularly.

First, I was a loyal, loving friend to Mark. I was there in the good, the stressful, the happy, and then at the bitter end and Mark knew I was there. Of course, he was there for me during the good, the stressful, the bad, and the happy times.

Secondly, I've really been trying to become an exceptional momma these past several months, compensating for a daddy that has to work far away often and trying to make fun, special memories despite obstacles. I don't think I'm quite exceptional but I think I'm a better momma now than I have been so far. I cherish this knowledge because this is being reflected in I.'s life and mind. She's now old enough to retain the memories of what her and I do and what I say to her. Today, I took her to Coldstone (free coupon for her birthday) and told her I was so proud of her for not talking back to me, obeying me, and not wetting her undies as much that I was rewarding her with an ice cream (a big deal). While we were eating our kid sized yogurts (yes, we got yogurts at Coldstone's), I asked her if she was happy and she said, "Yes, because we're here together." and gave me this big, happy grin.

That touched my heart because she probably thinks that from this exchange: we drop V. off at the airport and inevitably at some time I. says "I miss Daddy." I say, "I miss Daddy too. I'm glad we have each other or I'd really be sad. At least we have each other, that makes me happy." We truly have been working as a team - we take care of the cats together in the morning, play with them in the afternoon, clean up the house, and sometimes move the laundry along. In all this, I. knows that I love her and like her and while she may want to marry me (so cute) and considers me her best friend (again so cute), she also understands that I'm in charge. She's pretty clear that all I really expect from her is to listen and obey without back talking, tell the truth, and not to whine. Anything else over and above those 3 things is icing on the cake and lately, we've had quite a bit of icing! This is one of those times that I hope this isn't just a passing phase but a foundation that we can build on for the next 14 years until she is responsible for herself. I can only hope and pray and yes, keep my fingers cross, knock on wood, and all the other superstitions that can't possibly hurt!

Last Night Sucked

As this post's title states, last night sucked. V. called and I told him again that he needed to find out if the girls were going to Idyllwild with us between Christmas and New Year's because the accomodations seemed to be limited for 3 bedrooms so I didn't want to wait too long. Mind you, this is probably the third time I've brought this up in the last 6 weeks.

After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.

I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.

To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.

So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.

Happy 4th Birthday I.!!

Today was such a bittersweet day on a couple of fronts. It's always hard for me when I.'s birthday comes around though not nearly as hard as that first one when she up and decided to wean me cold turkey the week of her birthday. I concentrate on how happy she is to have a birthday and how proud that she is a year older, but with her being my only one, I realize that this time will never come again and it makes me sad once she's gone to bed. However, today she got to sit in the birthday chair next to her teacher at school, blow out 4 candles, have happy birthday sung to her by her classmates, and finally join the ranks of the 4 year olds. She was so excited and I was glad I could document it all on the video camera. Before school, I. and I made pumpkin cupcakes for her park playdate with her friends tomorrow morning and she's excited about that.

The second front was that we had to take V. to the airport this morning. Thankfully, these separations don't have quite the same emotional impact as they did at the beginning which may sound bad, but after mulling it over, I think it's a combination of her getting older, her having a life outside of the family via preschool, and it just becoming the new normal. She instantly reconnects with V. as soon as he comes home so I'm not really concerned with this change, more relieved that I don't have to deal with the aftermath every time. But it's hard for me in the evenings especially now with the time change, I. goes to bed around 4:15 so it's an even LONGER night - just what I didn't need! A few hours after I drop V. off, I begin missing him and then the sadness over Mark sets in because during these times when V. would be gone, I'd fill some of the time talking on the phone or visiting Mark - it was really the only good thing about V. being gone.

But now V. and Mark are gone, I. is growing up and slowly moving away and I'm just here.

That last sentence really drills down into the core of my pain - past, present, and quite possibly the future.

I.'s First Amusement Park Experience

Today was a really good day, though exhausting. My parents generously bought I. a season pass, to complement their season passes, and paid for V. and I to go to Legoland all day today. It was I.'s first time and she was psyched. Even though V.'s back acted up after awhile, he hung in there and stayed in the moment which was nice. He and I. went on some rides together and I really saw him connect and have fun with her. I guess my "talk" with him did make a difference and for I.'s sake, that makes me happy. We all had a really good time and I'm thankful for my parents' generosity because between the pass, the tickets, and the food, it was not a cheap day.

Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.

Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.

Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.

Mixed Bag

Let's start with the good, the all good. Today we celebrated, as a family, I.'s 4th birthday and she had a blast. Her sisters weren't able to come but her grandparents, uncle, daddy and mommy were there so it was still good. I. and I decorated together for the party and then we got her into her special party girl dress. She looked beautiful but a little unsure as to what was to come:



I love how she is not spoiled - she is tickled pink when she sees presents that she knows are for her, even if it's just a few. She was so happy to see her momma's homemade cake even though it wasn't anything spectacular, though full of love.



It was a great day all around, even the weather cooperated with some nice, cool fall weather.

Tomorrow, we're (my parents, V., I., and I) are going to go to Legoland for her big birthday present and I am really excited. This will be her very first amusement park experience and I plan on capturing as much of it as possible because I know she is going to be blown away. So many of her friends have been to Disneyland multiple times already but I wanted to wait until she was ready and able to appreciate and remember this exciting experience. This will be the first year that she will be tall enough to enjoy almost all of Legoland's rides and she will definitely remember it. I'm so thankful that I can see her experience this first moment (compared to the first year, the "firsts" are few and far between).

On another positive note, V. and I attended I.'s very first parent/teacher conference. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we first got together that we would be attending our child's parent/teacher conference? Pretty funny! The news was really good - despite I. being the youngest of all 16 of the kids, she's doing great on all fronts. She listens, participates, speaks up, is kind and thoughtful, and is socially active. She is SO past where I was in kindergarten. Her teachers were impressed because she's doing so well AND she's the youngest. She really is something else and I'm so proud to be her momma!

The only downside of this week was an underlying feeling of something not being "quite right" with V. and I but not knowing what it was. Part of it was that V. was having a hard time getting into our time zone. I mentally understand and sympathize, since I would fair MUCH worse on the time change, but it just seems that when he is forced to start working quickly, he acclimates much more quickly. If it's just "us" at home, then he sleeps from 6pm-11pm, is up all night and ready for bed at 9am. If it was just us, two adults, fine but try explaining that to a 3 year old who wants nothing more than to spend time with her daddy who has been gone for 3-4 weeks.

Last night brought things to a head since this morning I had already been thinking while on the treadmill, that while V. was physically here, we were still essentially living separate lives and that was not okay with me. V. sealed his fate last night by first trying to assert "his schedule" on top of I.'s birthday weekend schedule. He began inquiring what the birthday schedule was this weekend so that he could start thrusting his haircut and gym schedule on top of it. So as the Mama Bear, I told him that this weekend was about I. not him and that his schedule for once was going to fit around hers. He took offense to my comment that "it wasn't all about him this weekend, it was all about her". Later this same night he informed me that he was planning on taking the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present next year and that I. was optional as determined by me since this would be her first HUGE time change vacation. Since this was the first I'd heard of this, I asked when he had thought about this and he said 6 months ago which led to the "discussion" that I was tired of him acting as though he was an independent agent, making decisions and living his life as though we needed to "fit into" his schedule rather than him acclimating into our family life. This is the whole issue with us lately it seems. He lives on his own over there for a month at a time, comes home for a week or so, and then goes back to being a work android. Well, that's not good enough - while he's there I still have to be the momma, the disciplinarian, the wife and financial advisor. When he's there, he has to be the worker and about a tenth of a husband. We've got to work this out better because between the attitude and the jet lag, even while V. is here, we're living separate lives.

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.