ReEntry Is Hard

Yes, it's good to have the hubby home. Don't get me wrong, it is. But reentry is hard, damn hard.

First we have the time change issue. It's going okay but what's been difficult is the sleeping and low energy during the day and then him waking up around 10:30, right when I'm ready to go to bed. It causes me to stay up until 11:30/midnight, enjoying having company but leads to being tired the next day. The goal is to have him on our time zone not vice-versa.

Secondly, I. has been testing and being more defiant towards me since V.'s been home. Probably because he is not the disciplinarian in the household. This leads me to getting much more frustrated that things are not running as smoothly in the household and hating that I have to crack down more so than usual. I don't necessary mind being the bad guy (unless my spouse is playing the role of the permissive, good guy).

Thirdly, my workload has at least doubled and I'm not getting extra help so I'm feeling overwhelmed. Before I was able to keep up with the chaos and clutter but now it feels like two against one and I'm drowning. Lots of laundry, clutter, toys, trash and only me to run around trying to organize and keep up with. Not to mention, planning fun events and cooking daily meals. This has got to change.

Fourthly (is this a word?), it still feels like we're living separately, individually and I don't like it. I don't think V. feels it at all and that makes it worse. We went to the gym today and it was obvious that he wanted to work out alone, after all this time apart. Granted, even when we were living together full-time, he didn't appear to like working out together but he was walking more than a foot away from me today. WTF? He did get me flowers today and a card (which he didn't give me until tonight when I asked him where it was 'cause I saw it on the receipt) but when I came down this morning, he didn't even acknowledge me since he was busy on his Blackberry.

Things are going to have to come to a head I think. I'm tired of feeling so much less than special, just a side show in his life, not worthy of conversation or signs of affection. I go out of my way to make him feel treasured and loved, planning months in advance and then he won't even talk despite open-ended questions I lob at him. It just makes me feel less than. I know he loves me but he's either shut off, shut down, or just gotten plain lazy and it needs to change. If I bring up anything in criticism, he just shut downs and wants to move away, not conducive for positive change. I'm getting frustrated that unless I'm 100% positive and in favor with everything about him, he just shuts off and begins punishing me. How are we supposed to get things fixed and better if he does that every time? It makes me stressed out, depressed, scared, and negative about our relationship if I feel like we are never able to to discuss our relationship honestly without an impending punishment towards me. I hate conflict.

It doesn't help that now that Daddy is back that I. has launched into the "I love Daddy" bit and now she shows me hardly any affection and is very negative towards me and has the "I want Daddy" mentality. He gives her no discipline until he's angry and then I have to intervene and deal with that on top of everything else. V. doesn't understand how close I. and I were while he was gone, how we were a team. Remember, "I miss Daddy but I'm glad we have each other." ? Well, the past few days, that has SO fallen by the wayside and while I understand it logically, it hurts so much emotionally to deal with it throughout the day, day after day. Instead of it feeling like a family of three, it feels like now it's the 2 of them (though V. would rather be by himself) and I'm the odd man out. I kinda always feel like the odd man out but the last place I thought I would feel like the odd man out is within my own family and that makes me sad - a bone-deep kind of sad. If I don't fit in here, where can I possibly ever hope to fit in?