Good Memory Making

The last several days, I've been busy making good memories with I. Thursday, we went to Chuck E. Cheese to play, Friday we went on a Hornblower boat cruise, Saturday we had a Country Fair at I.'s preschool, and yesterday we went to the Kidtoons movie in the morning and made Halloween cookies in the afternoon. I know it's not about "doing" all the time with your child, they enjoy just "being" with you so in between these things, we've been reading, snuggling, and putting puzzles together. I'm kind of like a whirling dervish now when it comes to my goal of making memories with I.

Part of this is now that she has started preschool, I see my time just starting to be limited and will get more so as the years pass. I figure it's now or never. Of course, part of it, how much so I'm not sure, is that maybe I don't have very much time left with her, a direct result of Mark dying. You just never know. I try not to dwell on this side of the thought or it'll depress me but on the positive side, having a "now or maybe never" approach to my time with her has been good.

The nights of this weekend were a little tough as they usually are when V. is gone. I find myself struggling with Mark's death more on the weekends too so I've given some thought as to why that might be. Here are my top 3 thoughts:

1. When V. is gone, I miss him which leads the "missing" emotions to spill over onto Mark.

2. I used to call Mark on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle and I always remember that on Saturday evenings.

3. Since V. has been gone so much, I. and I would take the opportunity to visit with Mark on the weekends, especially Sundays and that comes to mind every Sunday it seems.

It didn't help that in Sunday's newspaper was an article talking to the friends of a CHP officer who was killed due to a stuck accelerator. I read the whole article and got to the last sentence which read, "The most difficult part is knowing that I can never talk to Mark again."

You know when you do a big exhale and your body just sags forward and down? Well, that was the physical reaction I had when I read that sentence followed by the emotions of disbelief, anger, and then sadness. I cut it out and as I've read it throughout the last 2 days, I now feel some solace in the fact that someone else feels about their Mark how I feel about my Mark. That makes me feel just a little better.