Mark and I

I saw this quote by Henri Nouwen and started sobbing because this quote captures the essence of our friendship. Our relationship was a difficult one to explain because it was an unusual one - a single man and woman who care for each other deeply, know each other's most intimate thoughts, have shared each other's most painful and private moments, enjoy each other's company and humor immensely but realize that they are not right for one another as man and wife. It's just odd but that was us and it was awesome.

But this quote perfectly explains our frienship and while it's comforting to have found something concrete that explains Mark and I, it rips me open because I've lost something so beautiful. I know I'll come to the other side of just being thankful that I got to EVER experience this kind of friendship. Reading this quote makes me realize that he and I were such good friends to one another - we were both truly lucky.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

The Planets Are Lining Up Against Me...

...but I'm going to fight tooth and nail. As luck has it, V. finally comes home and the day we are to fly to Vegas for a long weekend together, I'm supposed to start my period. So I called the OBGYN yesterday and he recommended starting birth control pills to see if it will delay it. Ironic, eh? We've been trying to conceive for the past year but V.'s schedule always seems to have him leaving the week before the "optimal" time. But I checked with him and it appears that he'll be gone before the "optimal" time this coming month anyways so I started the birth control pills and hopefully won't be bloated, bleeding, and bitchy on our long awaited Vegas trip!

As though that weren't enough, I woke up this morning to a sore throat, clogged ears, stuffy nose, and some sneezing. It appears that I am fighting some sort of virus off too. Come on - really?! I went to the grocery store and got some Airborne to either stave it off or help me recover in record time because I DON'T want to be bleeding and sick while we're in Vegas.

I swear to God if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have ANY luck at all. I hate to be a pessimist, but that's been the case for about 20+ years. Maybe the next 20 years will be better...

Why Is It...?

...that at the end of some of the best days I have, I feel the most pain and loneliness about Mark? That seems opposite to me. The good times should make me happy and sustain me. But I've noticed that when I'm feeling my best and thankful throughout the day, those are the nights that I feel the worst and the saddest (at least when V. is not here).

It strikes me as odd but I guess I should be thankful since before I was sad and weepy during the day and then haunted at night. So happy during the day and sad at night should be an improvement, right? Yeah, I guess so, I'm just not used to this new, sad normal. While Mark was alive, I knew he was going to die but until that reality is smashed against your face, you're always in some state of denial though you don't realize it until afterwards; a few seconds afterwards, a few hours, days, months - it still doesn't seem real to be honest. But my mind remembers it picture perfect and it is more than real, horrifically so. Past bad dreams have nothing on what current bad dreams are. There are better days waiting for me ahead, I just know it. There just has to be...

I've Got A Great Girl

I've decided with the way my life has been playing out that I'm all about creating life experiences and memories for I. A couple of things have shaped this new philosophy:

Who knows how long we have with our loved ones? If you wait for the "right time" it may never come or pass you by. What happens if something happens that makes it impossible for me to experience/make a memory with I.?

I want to make memories as a family. I've been waiting for when we can do things as a family and all these years later after Mark has died, I see that those times may never come and it may be too late. The only time is now, present day.

So with all that in mind, I decided I was taking I. roller skating today to make it feel like a Sunday. When V. is gone, it is a major struggle to make weekends feel like weekends rather than just another weekday. I. has shown interest in ice skating so I figured roller skating would be a good transition to ice skating.

Boy was I wrong! Roller skating at 3 years old is really difficult! I. looked like a spaz out there, falling down constantly, and flailing in between the falls. But you know what? We had a great time because each time she fell down and looked up at me, I was smiling and laughing and so was she. It was so hot we were drenched after the first, very long lap but we made it still standing. There were 2 times where we were both so sweaty that she slipped out of my grip and took the full impact of her fall and started crying but she recovered relatively quickly. One time, I scooped her up in my arms and whisked her around the rink to give her the experience of speed. However, she didn't really enjoy it because she wanted her independence of doing it on her own.

Afterwards, I talked to her about how proud I was of her because no matter how many times she fell, she got up, smiling, and tried again. I heard other mothers holding I. up as the example of not giving up to their older children and even had a much older girl tell me how impressed she was by I. getting up every time and keep trying.

I was so impressed by I.. She is me cubed, at the very least. To get up from falling a hundred times is one thing, to get up smiling is a whole 'nother animal. I. is amazing and I'm so proud of her. I knew how exhausting it was to me today, figured how exhausting it was to her, but didn't count on her passing out within 10 minutes. She is a great girl and I'm so lucky to have her!

I.'s Compassion

After last night ended on a bummer note (see Venting post below), I decided, as I trudged along on the treadmill, that I had better really start concentrating on the positive aspects of my life since the negative ones aren't appearing to let up in the near future. I had my little kumbaya moment as I went through all the great things I'm lucky to have and felt a little better.

On the way home from the gym, my phone signalled a text message and what a surprise, it was from a guy friend that I was looking forward to having lunch with in an hour after taking Isabella to school. Cancelling again one hour before. Okay, he had to go to a work event but this stupid thing just hit his calendar an hour earlier? That seems pretty lame. Plus, he had to cancel last Wednesday due to too many meetings and then cancelled Thursday because of another last minute work event. Even when I was in the workforce, if I made plans with someone, I did everything to make sure I made it. It's called being DEPENDABLE.

But wait, here's the good part and today I'm not being sarcastic, I'm serious. I. asks, "What's wrong Mommy?" and I tell her that my friend says he can't have lunch with me and this is the 3rd time he's done this so it kind of hurts my feelings. I. sits there quietly as I park the car in the garage and then as she holds the door to the house open for me to go through she says, "What can I do for you to make you happy Mommy?" She's 3 years old and still figures the world pretty much is all about her so you could have knocked me over with a feather. In fact, just to make sure I heard her right, I asked her to repeat what she said and she said the same thing.

I told her that if she would just give me a big hug and kiss that I would be happy and so she did. And you know what? I was incredibly happy because under her feisty exterior, I. is very sensitive, caring, and compassionate. I saw it with Mark but haven't really experienced it myself (familiarity breeds contempt you know) and it was so great being on the receiving end. Of course, I did have to reach back and pat myself on the back because I have been trying to cultivate that quality in her since Mark got sick and I guess I was successful. Something so beautiful has risen from the depths of something so tragic and sad and that's pretty amazing.

Venting...

So let me get this right...you're pretty sure you'll make it home for Vegas but you can't commit to making it home for your daughter's 4 year old birthday?! Really? After missing Christmas last year and I'm predicting probably this coming Christmas too? Why don't you realize that she is old enough to remember this crap and that it's always been just her mommy here to raise her?????!!!!! So tired of us always being in last place, at least it translates that way.

You'll be sorry and YES I'M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT FOR HER BEING SO EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, HAPPY, INDEPENDENT, AND WELL ADJUSTED. I've been here 24/7 and you've been effectively gone SINCE SHE WAS 4 MONTHS OLD. I'm tired of not being able to plan any fun things - Seinfeld concert in December (oh sorry, I probably won't be there), Lion King around her birthday (oh sorry, I probably won't be there for that either).

YOU'RE NOT JUST A F*ING PAYCHECK TO ME! WHERE IS OUR LIFE TOGETHER?!

This just makes me miss Mark all the more.

A New Diet

Woo hoo! I've discovered a really great new diet that is guaranteed to melt 10 pounds off of you in 2 short months! Aren't you interested?! No grapefruits, laxatives, or purgings are involved - see, that sounds good already, doesn't it? Nope, all you've got to do is watch someone your own age who happens to be your best friend for over a decade, die right in front you -

S

L

O

W

L

Y


Yeah, that's all it takes. 'Cause today when I got on the scale 2 months to the day that Mark died, I was 10 pounds lighter. I stepped off the scale, said a silent "thank you" to Mark, and went on with my gym workout. Honestly, what else could I do?

So, do I have any takers? Anyone desperate enough to lose 10 pounds in 2 months? Yes, this is a really sarcastic, cynical post. It barely hides the anger that surges up today as I rage against something unseen but so unfair. I miss my friend so very much. The pain may soften but the missing-him feelings intensify as time marches on.