My Investment

Yesterday was another uphill climb of a day.  I know how much I. needs sleep.  I've made HUGE sacrifices every since she's been born to ensure she gets enough sleep.  This has been one of the reasons I stressed out when I found out I was pregnant with D.  I knew they would ultimately wind up in the same bedroom and I knew it could end up with dire consequences if I. did not get enough sleep.

I have to admit, it's going much better than anticipated though not without a steep price.  Yes, they are pretty much on the same sleep schedule which is downright amazing considering a 6 year difference.  It's evened out by D.'s predictable (2) 1.5 naps a day.  I still make a concerted effort to get I. to bed at a time that allows her to mellow out for a bit and then fall asleep while still giving her about 11-12 hours of sleep which she needs in order to function as a  well behaved, well rested child.  There are rules however to safeguard her sleep and she willfully disobeyed one of those and yesterday we all paid the price.  Consequences were swift.  We were going to go to the beach in the morning when D. woke up but not with the behavior going on  so that was a big loss.  Instead we went grocery shopping (pretty depressing, huh?).  Instead of playing with her while D. was asleep, I got things done and relaxed which I really needed to do since I was battling nursing issues and some virus of some sort.

Last night I wrote in I. and I's journal.  She pulled it out at dinner yesterday and said, "You said we were going to have a fun summer!"  And I replied, "I have had a lot of fun things planned for the summer but we haven't been able to do them because of your behavior."  I explained to her what her rights were (safety, food, love) and privileges (tv, video games, fun outings, toys, clothes) and that in order for the latter to happen, her behavior had to be acceptable.  So I wrote in the journal and she read it this morning and once again, my girl reappeared today.  Helpful, cheerful, no back talking, very little complaining, and almost no negativity.  She woke up today at 4:30am so she was yawning and saying she was tired at 3:30pm but she still kept it together.

This makes me feel better because I know she can control herself when she chooses to.  Since I have bipolar,schizo, and depression tendencies running through my genes I am unfortunately on alert for these things in my kids.  Is I. acting this way because she is unable to control herself, is she bipolar?  Or is she just needing to mature and be required to control her strong emotions as she gets older?  I think the answer is that she can when she wants to but sometimes if the price is not steep enough and she just doesn't feel like it, she lets it all hang out.

I guess I just have to have hope and keep praying for her and for me to keep consistently and calmly doing the right thing.  And keep communicating verbally and writing in our journal since that seems to make it further in her heart.  The words I say she doesn't want to hear even when I keep them to a short minimum.  She says,"I don't want to hear any more."  It seems not so much to be her being rude as it is that the words overwhelm her.  Yet I can write quite a bit and say a lot of things in a written format and she seems to not only take it in but take it to heart and enjoy it.

I love my girl.  She is so complicated that it exhausts me almost all of the time lately but I'll tell you what, if she emerges into adulthood successfully there will be no person prouder and quicker to take a lot of credit than myself.  She is a true investment.