Around 11:15 last night, I was lying in bed reading before I went to sleep when all of a sudden from the condos above my bedroom, I hear a woman screaming. And screaming and then she screams at the top of her lungs "Call the police!" Then I hear nothing. By this time, I had gone out on the bedroom deck and was listening horrified. Then I grabbed the phone and dialed 911.
Someone else had called as well but had given the wrong cross street, meaning the cops were going to have a hard time locating the condo because there are a lot of condos in a row up there on the hill. Who knows what would happen during that delay?
Looking back, I did a not-so-smart thing considering that it was just me and I. at home. I thought to myself, "I'd want someone to help me if the situation was reversed." So I threw on some sweats, grabbed my cell, locked up the house and ran up the hill to the row of condos like I was Nancy Drew or something. I knew I could figure out the general area of the condo by looking down to see my bedroom deck. I've already done this before during daylight hours trying to pin down where that barking dog was a few months ago.
I figured out which building it was based on the fact that I could see my back deck and then was walking down the hallway to see if I could narrow it down because there were about 8 condos on that level. As I walked past one of them, I saw the front door slightly ajar with a big set of keys still in the front door lock. It was so eerily silent. I made note of the condo number and tiptoed down the hall into the parking lot. As I started walking, a pair of headlights was approaching and I was glad to see that it was a police car. I flagged him down, explained that I had called 911 and came up here to help narrow down which were possible condos because now there was no noise and I was concerned. I told him about the front door and keys and gave him the number of the condo and then said, "Good luck. I'm getting out of here!" As I went back down the hill, there were 2 more patrol cars who stopped when they saw me and I told them where to go.
I didn't hear anything after I got back in bed but I was wondering what, if anything, happened. This morning, I called my good friend Terry, the captain of SDPD in this area, and he pulled up the log and said that it was a husband and wife incident that resulted in him getting arrested for felony domestic violence. Felony means she was beat up pretty badly. If she had only minor injuries, it would have been a misdemeanor.
After hearing that, I'm glad I did what I did because that extra time it could have taken the cops to figure out what condo, may have resulted in something really terrible. I just hope that if I was ever screaming for someone to call the cops, someone actually would. Maybe this will lead to some good karma in the future if I need it. I really don't believe in karma but it couldn't possibly hurt.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It Pisses Me Off
Warning: this is a written temper tantrum. A very necessary one because if I don't get it out, it's going to eat at me and most likely lead to a night filled with nightmares. If you don't want to partake of a tantrum, don't read this.
A little history - V. wanted to take the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present. Of course, I was in charge of doing all the research and making all arrangements for this big trip to happen. I did. Not only that, I researched what forms of ID we would all need to successfully make this trip. I told V. over 2 months ago that the girls would need a government ID (they don't have driver's licenses) to travel since they were 18 and I made sure he passed on the info to the ex.
Fast forward to tonight. We are now 28 days away from the trip and V. has reminded the ex about the ID at least a couple of times. Well, she FINALLY went down today with them and found out that it takes at least 6 weeks to get the IDs. Not going to work. So they will have to get expedited passports. Irritation yes. What led me straight to irate is that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THOSE F*CKING EXPEDITED PASSPORTS.
Now how the f*ck is that fair?! I do everything and provide the necessary info ahead of time and she procrastinates and I STILL have to pay for it. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. When I made a mistake on her f*cking check while V. was in Saudi, I had to pay extra money to correct it. I didn't ask her to pay the money to make my mistake right so why the F*CK do I have to pay hundreds of dollars because she is a f*ckin procrastinator.
I swear to God, when they say being a stepparent is hard, that doesn't even scratch the surface. And it really isn't hard when it comes to the kids themselves. It's hard dealing with the conniving, immature ex and how she has raised those kids. At this point, I swear to God, I would rather hand this $200 to a homeless person on the street that I will never see again. It would be more satisfying I think.
If there was more consistency then I'd be more okay with this constant "gimme, gimmee". For instance, if we are on the hook for half the Xmas and birthday presents, half the prom, graduation, and yearbook costs, and more than half of the monthly costs, why the hell aren't we just on the hook for HALF the graduation present cost? Why doesn't SHE pay for half of this cost?
See, that's what gets me. It's like what's hers is hers and what's ours is hers. I'm over here saving money, working hours at night on the computer for extra money when I'm tired and don't feel like it and for what? To pay for her f*ckups and demands?
Being a stepparent just sucks sometimes. Sandra Bullock, be glad you got out when you did.
A little history - V. wanted to take the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present. Of course, I was in charge of doing all the research and making all arrangements for this big trip to happen. I did. Not only that, I researched what forms of ID we would all need to successfully make this trip. I told V. over 2 months ago that the girls would need a government ID (they don't have driver's licenses) to travel since they were 18 and I made sure he passed on the info to the ex.
Fast forward to tonight. We are now 28 days away from the trip and V. has reminded the ex about the ID at least a couple of times. Well, she FINALLY went down today with them and found out that it takes at least 6 weeks to get the IDs. Not going to work. So they will have to get expedited passports. Irritation yes. What led me straight to irate is that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THOSE F*CKING EXPEDITED PASSPORTS.
Now how the f*ck is that fair?! I do everything and provide the necessary info ahead of time and she procrastinates and I STILL have to pay for it. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. When I made a mistake on her f*cking check while V. was in Saudi, I had to pay extra money to correct it. I didn't ask her to pay the money to make my mistake right so why the F*CK do I have to pay hundreds of dollars because she is a f*ckin procrastinator.
I swear to God, when they say being a stepparent is hard, that doesn't even scratch the surface. And it really isn't hard when it comes to the kids themselves. It's hard dealing with the conniving, immature ex and how she has raised those kids. At this point, I swear to God, I would rather hand this $200 to a homeless person on the street that I will never see again. It would be more satisfying I think.
If there was more consistency then I'd be more okay with this constant "gimme, gimmee". For instance, if we are on the hook for half the Xmas and birthday presents, half the prom, graduation, and yearbook costs, and more than half of the monthly costs, why the hell aren't we just on the hook for HALF the graduation present cost? Why doesn't SHE pay for half of this cost?
See, that's what gets me. It's like what's hers is hers and what's ours is hers. I'm over here saving money, working hours at night on the computer for extra money when I'm tired and don't feel like it and for what? To pay for her f*ckups and demands?
Being a stepparent just sucks sometimes. Sandra Bullock, be glad you got out when you did.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Weekend
So much to say about the weekend but I don't want to get into all of the gory details. It's hard for me not to do that, the details are what makes the story in some cases. I'll try to control myself though.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
This Should Be a Doozer
Tonight is the girls' graduation ceremony. The details surrounding this event get weirder by the moment.
First of all, until yesterday, we didn't know where, what time, or how we were going to get the tickets for the graduation. Don't most people know these things ahead of time? I guess we were lucky to just be allowed to go.
Second, we knew there was a party back at the ex's house because the girls were telling us about it but we didn't know if we were invited. V. said it didn't matter, we weren't going.
So here we are the night before the event and we're finally informed of a few things: where the ceremony is taking place and that it's at 6pm. It's still up in the air as to where we are meeting to pick up the tickets but we've been told that there is a dinner at some restaurant afterwards and that we are to be there. WHAT?! Who waits til the night before to invite someone to a dinner that has obviously been in the works for weeks? I joked that someone must have gotten sick and we've been thrown in as stand-ins.
It was also communicated through the ex that one of the girls is concerned that V. is going to show up in a button down 3 piece suit and embarrass the family. Wow - that's a little weird. V. is going to look sharp in his Leisure Suit, no just kidding. But he is going to look handsome and I'm going to be with him so lucky me. Also, it was communicated that there is concern that V. will not be nice and talkative to the boyfriend. That may be a valid concern since V. isn't that talkative most of the time as we all know. I'm sure he will be very nice to him though and if not, I'll kick him.
What I do know for certain is that this is going to be a really STRANGE situation and one in which I wish I could find that flask that Mark gave me for Christmas so long ago. There is going to be so much FAKE FAKE FAKE going on I may get nauseous - fake tans, fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake compliments, fake attitudes, fake behaviors. At the very least, it should be quite entertaining to watch.
First of all, until yesterday, we didn't know where, what time, or how we were going to get the tickets for the graduation. Don't most people know these things ahead of time? I guess we were lucky to just be allowed to go.
Second, we knew there was a party back at the ex's house because the girls were telling us about it but we didn't know if we were invited. V. said it didn't matter, we weren't going.
So here we are the night before the event and we're finally informed of a few things: where the ceremony is taking place and that it's at 6pm. It's still up in the air as to where we are meeting to pick up the tickets but we've been told that there is a dinner at some restaurant afterwards and that we are to be there. WHAT?! Who waits til the night before to invite someone to a dinner that has obviously been in the works for weeks? I joked that someone must have gotten sick and we've been thrown in as stand-ins.
It was also communicated through the ex that one of the girls is concerned that V. is going to show up in a button down 3 piece suit and embarrass the family. Wow - that's a little weird. V. is going to look sharp in his Leisure Suit, no just kidding. But he is going to look handsome and I'm going to be with him so lucky me. Also, it was communicated that there is concern that V. will not be nice and talkative to the boyfriend. That may be a valid concern since V. isn't that talkative most of the time as we all know. I'm sure he will be very nice to him though and if not, I'll kick him.
What I do know for certain is that this is going to be a really STRANGE situation and one in which I wish I could find that flask that Mark gave me for Christmas so long ago. There is going to be so much FAKE FAKE FAKE going on I may get nauseous - fake tans, fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake compliments, fake attitudes, fake behaviors. At the very least, it should be quite entertaining to watch.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Buried Alive
My MRI for my shoulder was this afternoon. I had to ask a friend of mine to watch I. because the girl I use now and then for babysitting wasn't available. I dropped I. off and headed over to the appointment.
I should have put two and two together when the MRI questionnaire asked if I was claustrophobic but since I'd had one for my back done about 16 years ago without incident, I didn't think anything of it and certainly didn't want to state a weakness that may not even come into play.
I got changed into a gown and went into the room and that's where the trouble began. When I had the MRI on my back, my lower body was put into the tube but my head was not. In the past, claustrophobia has only been a fleeting problem. However, since Mark has died, it has intensified significantly. It's been getting better the last few months. Earlier this year, if I was in the car on a one lane freeway turn-off with cars in front and in back of me, I'd start getting panicky like there was no way to escape. And when V. and I went to a concert in LA last August and we were trying to make our way out and everyone started backing up, I had a really hard time staying calm and had to look up into the night sky to make it through the crush.
I laid down, not too concerned, confident that I could make it through. But when you get a shoulder MRI, they have to put you all the way inside the tube. When you're completely inside, there's no room for your arms to move to the side without hitting the side of the tube and worst of all, the ceiling of the tube is a matter of inches above your face.
He pushed me inside the tube and even though my eyes were covered, I could feel the top of the tube right above me. I tried to stay calm but I started to panic and said, "I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can do this." so he pulled me back out and asked if I was feeling anxious in there. Silent tears began spilling out of my eyes and I said, "My best friend died not that long ago and my anxiety is still really high. It feels like a coffin in there."
I took a few moments to take some deep breaths as he told me that I could make another appointment, have someone drive me and take a Xanax or two beforehand -that's what lots of people did to make it through the MRI. His voice was background noise as I remembered how I had to arrange for someone to take care of I. and how tough I used to be back in my martial artist days.
That's when I decided to try again. I wiped my tears away and decided if I was going to raise I. to be a tough girl, I would have to go back to be one too. I let him roll me back into the tube to start the test with a "rip cord" in my hand - all I had to do is squeeze it to make it all stop. But I didn't. I concentrated on my breathing, willed my mind to memories of I. being born, the early days, funny memories with my father, what V. and I could do on Friday, what needed to be packed etc. And I stayed in there for over 20 minutes. The noise was deafening and by the end of the test, my head was pounding, my mouth dry, and my bowels liquefied.
But I made it through. It wiped me out but I made it through and I'm proud of myself.
I should have put two and two together when the MRI questionnaire asked if I was claustrophobic but since I'd had one for my back done about 16 years ago without incident, I didn't think anything of it and certainly didn't want to state a weakness that may not even come into play.
I got changed into a gown and went into the room and that's where the trouble began. When I had the MRI on my back, my lower body was put into the tube but my head was not. In the past, claustrophobia has only been a fleeting problem. However, since Mark has died, it has intensified significantly. It's been getting better the last few months. Earlier this year, if I was in the car on a one lane freeway turn-off with cars in front and in back of me, I'd start getting panicky like there was no way to escape. And when V. and I went to a concert in LA last August and we were trying to make our way out and everyone started backing up, I had a really hard time staying calm and had to look up into the night sky to make it through the crush.
I laid down, not too concerned, confident that I could make it through. But when you get a shoulder MRI, they have to put you all the way inside the tube. When you're completely inside, there's no room for your arms to move to the side without hitting the side of the tube and worst of all, the ceiling of the tube is a matter of inches above your face.
He pushed me inside the tube and even though my eyes were covered, I could feel the top of the tube right above me. I tried to stay calm but I started to panic and said, "I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can do this." so he pulled me back out and asked if I was feeling anxious in there. Silent tears began spilling out of my eyes and I said, "My best friend died not that long ago and my anxiety is still really high. It feels like a coffin in there."
I took a few moments to take some deep breaths as he told me that I could make another appointment, have someone drive me and take a Xanax or two beforehand -that's what lots of people did to make it through the MRI. His voice was background noise as I remembered how I had to arrange for someone to take care of I. and how tough I used to be back in my martial artist days.
That's when I decided to try again. I wiped my tears away and decided if I was going to raise I. to be a tough girl, I would have to go back to be one too. I let him roll me back into the tube to start the test with a "rip cord" in my hand - all I had to do is squeeze it to make it all stop. But I didn't. I concentrated on my breathing, willed my mind to memories of I. being born, the early days, funny memories with my father, what V. and I could do on Friday, what needed to be packed etc. And I stayed in there for over 20 minutes. The noise was deafening and by the end of the test, my head was pounding, my mouth dry, and my bowels liquefied.
But I made it through. It wiped me out but I made it through and I'm proud of myself.
Bizarre Phone Call
Just to illustrate the unique strangeness of my family situation, there's the phone call of last night from my dad. He was calling to find out my opinion of what was the best dating website out there. Like I would know, being married and all. But they figured I'd be able to find out and let them know. They had spent a good portion of the day filling out Eharmony.com's questionnaire with my sister. As V. put it, "Who the heck does that with their daughter?" To which I responded, "A pair of desperate parents." She's been applying everywhere for jobs to no avail which is not shocking considering how she acts. So my parents have decided the only way to get her off their dime and out of their daily life is to foist her onto some unwitting guy. Those are my dad's words.
It actually turned into a hilarious conversation, leaving my dad and I howling with laughter due to the one liners flying out of us. He said there wasn't a website for "damaged goods" so that's why they were trying Eharmony. He said that he'd throw in a goat, cow or whatever farm animal it took to seal the deal and get someone to take her off their hands. Though she put she wanted a tall, athletic guy, she wants that same guy to not play any sports nor watch any sports. My dad's translation is that she wants a good looking guy that has no life outside of sitting on the couch telling her how wonderful she is and listening to her lengthy, rambling rants. Sadly, he's right. I told him he should get some of those feather banners and place them out on the main road leading to where she is living - "Girl Available for Dating!" Then as they got closer the signs would say "Turn HERE!" and then the next one would be "You Missed Her! U-TURN NOW!"
The sad part as I reminded him is that even if she finds someone, it doesn't mean it's a permanent solution. In fact, her new nickname is "boomerang" because she always comes back. What a completely un-funny situation for my parents - I'm glad I could get my dad to laugh about it instead of crying which is what he felt like doing.
It actually turned into a hilarious conversation, leaving my dad and I howling with laughter due to the one liners flying out of us. He said there wasn't a website for "damaged goods" so that's why they were trying Eharmony. He said that he'd throw in a goat, cow or whatever farm animal it took to seal the deal and get someone to take her off their hands. Though she put she wanted a tall, athletic guy, she wants that same guy to not play any sports nor watch any sports. My dad's translation is that she wants a good looking guy that has no life outside of sitting on the couch telling her how wonderful she is and listening to her lengthy, rambling rants. Sadly, he's right. I told him he should get some of those feather banners and place them out on the main road leading to where she is living - "Girl Available for Dating!" Then as they got closer the signs would say "Turn HERE!" and then the next one would be "You Missed Her! U-TURN NOW!"
The sad part as I reminded him is that even if she finds someone, it doesn't mean it's a permanent solution. In fact, her new nickname is "boomerang" because she always comes back. What a completely un-funny situation for my parents - I'm glad I could get my dad to laugh about it instead of crying which is what he felt like doing.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Family Weekend
Father's Day weekend turned out really nice. The girls didn't come down which caused an argument between V. and the ex but what was good was that he was able to be home both mornings and on Father's Day, we were able to pamper him and open gifts without rushing. Plus we didn't have the girls sitting there watching V. opening Father's Day gifts from I. and I while they sat there with no present, no card, no nothin'. So this year, I. and I went out of our way to make V. feel special - his favorite breakfast, hand picked cards, and well-thought out presents.
Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.
Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.
I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!
Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.
Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.
I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!
Friday, June 18, 2010
One on One
I need to balance out my last obscenity laden post with a nice one I think. I've got to tell you, once I finished that last post I felt much better. Yesterday I. and I went to the Fair all day and we had a really good time looking at the all the animals, the photograph displays, some of the things that were being sold, and all the scary crazy rides they have this year. Then we went over to the Kiddie section, rode a bunch of rides, and had a yogurt sundae with fresh strawberries. It was just fun to be together, laughing and having fun; a nice change to our normal routine of fun being fit around "what needs to get done".
Today is another day apart from the routine. My brother gave my mom and I a massage certificate for Mother's Day two years ago and she's been putting it off. One, because she doesn't like massages AT ALL and two, because my sister the millstone prevented it with her constant draining presence. Well, finally we're going to do it which means that I. gets to spend 4 hours by herself with my dad, which is a first. They are going to have so much fun and I love that I. gets that time by herself with him. And I'm looking forward to the massage of course and some one on one time with my mom. Of course, my sister threw a rip roaring fit about the whole thing but screw her. We're having lunch at the spa and then some relaxation time before the massage and it should be really fun. As much as my mother drives me nuts on the phone, if you get her away from my sister and are one on one in person, we have a lot of fun, usually with many rude comments from me triggering her laughter and tears which just eggs me on.
V. is coming home tonight. I asked about the girls coming down this weekend and he said the ex had left a message on his phone that "the girls have activities this weekend" so they won't be coming down. He kind of bit my head off a little when he said that so I know it hurt him and that hurts me. It's Father's Day for crying out loud, make an effort. He asked how I. was and I made a point of telling him that she was psyched for Father's Day, how she's been working feverishly on his card, had spent time picking out the perfect presents and wrapping them. Hopefully it made him feel a little better. I think it did 'cause I heard a smile in his voice when he responded to what I said.
Today is another day apart from the routine. My brother gave my mom and I a massage certificate for Mother's Day two years ago and she's been putting it off. One, because she doesn't like massages AT ALL and two, because my sister the millstone prevented it with her constant draining presence. Well, finally we're going to do it which means that I. gets to spend 4 hours by herself with my dad, which is a first. They are going to have so much fun and I love that I. gets that time by herself with him. And I'm looking forward to the massage of course and some one on one time with my mom. Of course, my sister threw a rip roaring fit about the whole thing but screw her. We're having lunch at the spa and then some relaxation time before the massage and it should be really fun. As much as my mother drives me nuts on the phone, if you get her away from my sister and are one on one in person, we have a lot of fun, usually with many rude comments from me triggering her laughter and tears which just eggs me on.
V. is coming home tonight. I asked about the girls coming down this weekend and he said the ex had left a message on his phone that "the girls have activities this weekend" so they won't be coming down. He kind of bit my head off a little when he said that so I know it hurt him and that hurts me. It's Father's Day for crying out loud, make an effort. He asked how I. was and I made a point of telling him that she was psyched for Father's Day, how she's been working feverishly on his card, had spent time picking out the perfect presents and wrapping them. Hopefully it made him feel a little better. I think it did 'cause I heard a smile in his voice when he responded to what I said.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
It's All About Shoes Part Deux
Here's part deux of it's all about the shoes though the two have NO relation to one another except for the fact that there is humor involved.
An ex-employee of mine, 30-something, who is on Facebook, whose wedding I attended in 1998(?) down in Rosarito, posted a picture of these strappy, red, 5-inch heels with some caption to the effect of "check out these sexy heels!".
To which I responded (on her FB page, as a woman to a woman), "those are beautiful f* me shoes". No problem, no big deal, right?
Not right according to her husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I was married to an Asian guy, dated a Mexican guy, now married to a Puerto Rican. That being said, I was still surprised to see HIS response on HER Facebook page under my comment that began with "Blah-blah (wife's name) is a happily married woman who doesn't need f* me shoes. I love her the way she is and we're very happy."
Okay, number fucking one: "I was at your wedding moron, I know she's fucking married."
Number two: "I was talking to HER, not you the shadowy psycho husband."
Number three: " If you're that insecure after 10+ years of marriage about a comment that a woman friend makes about a pic of sexy red heels, you obviously need therapy."
Number four: "You've just reinforced my view of Mexican men - hung like mosquitos with the egos of lions."
Been there, done that, and I'll stick with my Puerto Rican ANY DAY ANY TIME! But it's always good to piss someone off without even meaning to do so. That's a good day in my sick mind.
An ex-employee of mine, 30-something, who is on Facebook, whose wedding I attended in 1998(?) down in Rosarito, posted a picture of these strappy, red, 5-inch heels with some caption to the effect of "check out these sexy heels!".
To which I responded (on her FB page, as a woman to a woman), "those are beautiful f* me shoes". No problem, no big deal, right?
Not right according to her husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I was married to an Asian guy, dated a Mexican guy, now married to a Puerto Rican. That being said, I was still surprised to see HIS response on HER Facebook page under my comment that began with "Blah-blah (wife's name) is a happily married woman who doesn't need f* me shoes. I love her the way she is and we're very happy."
Okay, number fucking one: "I was at your wedding moron, I know she's fucking married."
Number two: "I was talking to HER, not you the shadowy psycho husband."
Number three: " If you're that insecure after 10+ years of marriage about a comment that a woman friend makes about a pic of sexy red heels, you obviously need therapy."
Number four: "You've just reinforced my view of Mexican men - hung like mosquitos with the egos of lions."
Been there, done that, and I'll stick with my Puerto Rican ANY DAY ANY TIME! But it's always good to piss someone off without even meaning to do so. That's a good day in my sick mind.
It's All About Shoes
Yesterday I had to go do something I detest - buying shoes. I can't remember the last non-athletic shoes I've bought nor how long ago it was. It goes way back to when I was in middle school and my feet had a growth spurt before the rest of my body. My mother took me to Stride Rite or someplace like that and when we told the salesman what size I needed, he got this shocked look on his face and stammered back the size to be certain with of course, the obligatory glance at my feet to see if it could possibly be true. That did it for me, I refused to buy shoes from that day forward. My mother knows this so for my birthday and Christmas, I'm always provided with a couple of pairs of shoes. Unfortunately, I needed specific shoes to go with my dress for the girls' graduation next week so I was forced to go shopping for shoes.
So that the process wouldn't be any more torturous than need be, I enlisted a babysitter to play with I. for a couple of hours because I wouldn't wish I. on anybody's shopping trip. No matter how short, any shopping trip is too long. I went to Macy's which as luck would have it, was having a good sale and there were so many people there, I was able to just have the salesperson hand me the boxes and put the shoes on myself in peace. I was thinking to myself, "This isn't so bad." But then I had to push it and I decided I should head to the "shoe mecca" aka Nordstrom's just to make sure there wasn't a better shoe out there. Greediness, it always gets you in trouble.
Off I trek down the mall to Nordstrom's still merrily tripping along and walk into the shoe department. I was still in my "search and destroy" zone, the one in which you are completely focused on what you are searching for and your eyes are panning the tables quickly and efficiently. That's the good part. The bad part of that is that I didn't realize immediately that there are about 5 salespeople to every customer and they are looking at me like I'm looking at the shoes: TARGET, TARGET, TARGET.
Just as I become aware that I'm like a rabbit in the forest, there is a salesman right in front of me, asking if he can help me find what I'm obviously looking for. Now I'm feeling cornered but allow him to show me a couple of shoes, order my size, and sit down to wait. It begins to dawn on me that he's going to actually wait on me probably meaning he's going to see my feet (did I mention he's very cute? not helping!) and oh my gosh, I didn't touch up my toenails and my snaggle tooth toe nail, thanks to fungus amongous, is going to be visible especially because I'm trying on sandals! And what is up with all male salespeople in the women's shoe department?! I hate to think what was going on in the bra department in this place. All this information is running through my brain at 100 m.p.h. Now, I start trying to put together some strategies to minimize my embarrassment when he shows up with the boxes.
The good part was that he handed me the shoe instead of like the olden days (you can see I wasn't lying about how long it's been since I've been shoe shopping), where they would actually put the shoe on your foot. I grab that shoe, cram it on my foot, and then quickly hobble over to a mirror so he can't see my freak toes. Repeat process once more, put one pair on hold just in case and I run out of there like a bat out of hell.
This is why I love Zappos.com and Shoebuy.com. You can choose shoes in the privacy of your own home with your freak toes safely hidden in your socks and have them show up on your doorstep. With free shipping both ways, you just can't beat it. I scoured those websites for these shoes the last month and just couldn't find anything leading me to have to go through this funny, but unnecessarily stressful, process. I do know one thing: it's going to be a REALLY long time before I go shoe shopping in person again. There's just some things in life that should be avoided as long as possible and for me, this is definitely one of them.
So that the process wouldn't be any more torturous than need be, I enlisted a babysitter to play with I. for a couple of hours because I wouldn't wish I. on anybody's shopping trip. No matter how short, any shopping trip is too long. I went to Macy's which as luck would have it, was having a good sale and there were so many people there, I was able to just have the salesperson hand me the boxes and put the shoes on myself in peace. I was thinking to myself, "This isn't so bad." But then I had to push it and I decided I should head to the "shoe mecca" aka Nordstrom's just to make sure there wasn't a better shoe out there. Greediness, it always gets you in trouble.
Off I trek down the mall to Nordstrom's still merrily tripping along and walk into the shoe department. I was still in my "search and destroy" zone, the one in which you are completely focused on what you are searching for and your eyes are panning the tables quickly and efficiently. That's the good part. The bad part of that is that I didn't realize immediately that there are about 5 salespeople to every customer and they are looking at me like I'm looking at the shoes: TARGET, TARGET, TARGET.
Just as I become aware that I'm like a rabbit in the forest, there is a salesman right in front of me, asking if he can help me find what I'm obviously looking for. Now I'm feeling cornered but allow him to show me a couple of shoes, order my size, and sit down to wait. It begins to dawn on me that he's going to actually wait on me probably meaning he's going to see my feet (did I mention he's very cute? not helping!) and oh my gosh, I didn't touch up my toenails and my snaggle tooth toe nail, thanks to fungus amongous, is going to be visible especially because I'm trying on sandals! And what is up with all male salespeople in the women's shoe department?! I hate to think what was going on in the bra department in this place. All this information is running through my brain at 100 m.p.h. Now, I start trying to put together some strategies to minimize my embarrassment when he shows up with the boxes.
The good part was that he handed me the shoe instead of like the olden days (you can see I wasn't lying about how long it's been since I've been shoe shopping), where they would actually put the shoe on your foot. I grab that shoe, cram it on my foot, and then quickly hobble over to a mirror so he can't see my freak toes. Repeat process once more, put one pair on hold just in case and I run out of there like a bat out of hell.
This is why I love Zappos.com and Shoebuy.com. You can choose shoes in the privacy of your own home with your freak toes safely hidden in your socks and have them show up on your doorstep. With free shipping both ways, you just can't beat it. I scoured those websites for these shoes the last month and just couldn't find anything leading me to have to go through this funny, but unnecessarily stressful, process. I do know one thing: it's going to be a REALLY long time before I go shoe shopping in person again. There's just some things in life that should be avoided as long as possible and for me, this is definitely one of them.
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Funk
I got into a funk late yesterday afternoon triggered by something very small but significant thing that V. did on the phone and I was off and running. I tried distraction last night which worked somewhat well but then I went to bed and woke up screaming "Help, help" three times in a row because of a nightmare that just kept going. One of those realistic ones where you swear it's not a dream. This lovely one was that some guy was in the house trying to find me so he could kill me. Of course, I was in the bed unable to move or scream when he entered the room. Gotta love that. I was so shook up from it that it took me a while to get over feeling so scared.
I'm just in a pity party frame of mind, looking at things with dark shades, coloring everything negative. Even though I know that, it's hard to shake it off but I'll keep trying by concentrating on good, positive things. It just doesn't seem like other people have to try so hard on a daily basis to accomplish this - see, there is that negative view again.
Here's one thing I am happy about. I was watching I. interact with her female school friends last week at the playdate and I got to see how she acts with kids she is really comfortable with, kids that she feels comfortable lowering that reserve that she tends to have with people she's not as familiar with. What I saw was a kind, caring little girl who, though she may be working on something, has the whole table under surveillance so that if someone asks for something, she's the first to reach and give it to them. She also knows very well how to stick up for herself if someone tries to rudely or aggressively take something from her. She'll hang on for dear life until the other person gives up.
Kind but not a pushover - that's what I would hope for her and it appears that she is just that. It appears I'm on the right track with her and that is a big positive.
I'm just in a pity party frame of mind, looking at things with dark shades, coloring everything negative. Even though I know that, it's hard to shake it off but I'll keep trying by concentrating on good, positive things. It just doesn't seem like other people have to try so hard on a daily basis to accomplish this - see, there is that negative view again.
Here's one thing I am happy about. I was watching I. interact with her female school friends last week at the playdate and I got to see how she acts with kids she is really comfortable with, kids that she feels comfortable lowering that reserve that she tends to have with people she's not as familiar with. What I saw was a kind, caring little girl who, though she may be working on something, has the whole table under surveillance so that if someone asks for something, she's the first to reach and give it to them. She also knows very well how to stick up for herself if someone tries to rudely or aggressively take something from her. She'll hang on for dear life until the other person gives up.
Kind but not a pushover - that's what I would hope for her and it appears that she is just that. It appears I'm on the right track with her and that is a big positive.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Day of Rest
Today is Sunday and I'm declaring it my day of rest. Not from the gym but from laundry and computer work that's for sure. After putting I. to bed, I spent 3.5 hours working on project sheets for a client and tonight I'm going to take a break from that. This client is one of those hurry up and wait kinds where he talks about the work that needs to be done but doesn't send you the necessary material. Finally he sends a ton of it at the last minute, causing me to feel like I'm taking a drink from a fire hydrant. Good thing was I had the brain power last night to do it which is why I pressed on. Who knows what the brain level will be on other nights?
In keeping with making a weekend feel like a weekend, we are going to see a movie called "Babies" after lunch today. We saw the previews when we saw Shrek a couple of weeks ago and she and I agreed that even though it isn't a traditional kids' movie, it looked good. Officially kicking off my day of rest (as much as you get one on one with a 4 year old)...now!
In keeping with making a weekend feel like a weekend, we are going to see a movie called "Babies" after lunch today. We saw the previews when we saw Shrek a couple of weeks ago and she and I agreed that even though it isn't a traditional kids' movie, it looked good. Officially kicking off my day of rest (as much as you get one on one with a 4 year old)...now!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Making It Feel Like Saturday
The name of the game today is to make it feel like a Saturday instead of just another weekday which happens when V. is out of town on the weekend. Unconsciously (literally) I kicked things off by sleeping until 8:10 and actually got away with it. Thank goodness for those 15 books in I.'s bed and her imagination with the 30 stuffed animals because it got me some extra sleep. Makes that pain in the butt daily arranging of her bed worth it for once.
I tried at breakfast to make it feel like a weekend by asking I. if she wanted pancakes for breakfast to which she responded, "No, I want oat bran." I'd like to know how many 4 year olds have uttered that sentence. It's so true what they say about children mirroring what their parents eat, act, and say. So I guess I'm doing good in the eating area because now she prefers oatmeal (unsweetened), oat bran, and "white eggs". "White eggs" is what she calls egg whites which is what I supplement my breakfast and lunch. I usually try to sneak one yolk in her's just for some staying power. When you have a kid who is hungry literally every hour (and that's after 3 huge meals), every bite is all about staying power or I'd be in the kitchen fixing food round the clock. And she's still this lean, mean feisty machine despite the amount of food she consumes. Oh to have her metabolism!
This afternoon we'll be off to our early dinner to be taken care of by "Baby", our favorite waiter. We don't even order, he knows what we want and sometimes has the table set up with drinks and chips before we even hit the door. When V. is not here, that extra care is soothing to me and makes me feel a little less lonely.
Now it's off to the gym to try to burn some of those anticipated dinner calories. Hopefully I'll have more energy after I. goes to bed than I had last night because I have a lot of client work I need to work on. I'm sure that margarita at dinner tonight will help with energy and inspiration - NOT!
I tried at breakfast to make it feel like a weekend by asking I. if she wanted pancakes for breakfast to which she responded, "No, I want oat bran." I'd like to know how many 4 year olds have uttered that sentence. It's so true what they say about children mirroring what their parents eat, act, and say. So I guess I'm doing good in the eating area because now she prefers oatmeal (unsweetened), oat bran, and "white eggs". "White eggs" is what she calls egg whites which is what I supplement my breakfast and lunch. I usually try to sneak one yolk in her's just for some staying power. When you have a kid who is hungry literally every hour (and that's after 3 huge meals), every bite is all about staying power or I'd be in the kitchen fixing food round the clock. And she's still this lean, mean feisty machine despite the amount of food she consumes. Oh to have her metabolism!
This afternoon we'll be off to our early dinner to be taken care of by "Baby", our favorite waiter. We don't even order, he knows what we want and sometimes has the table set up with drinks and chips before we even hit the door. When V. is not here, that extra care is soothing to me and makes me feel a little less lonely.
Now it's off to the gym to try to burn some of those anticipated dinner calories. Hopefully I'll have more energy after I. goes to bed than I had last night because I have a lot of client work I need to work on. I'm sure that margarita at dinner tonight will help with energy and inspiration - NOT!
Friday, June 11, 2010
It's All About The Journey
If there's a lesson I've been learning for the past few years, it's that life is all about the journey, not the finish line. Being a goal oriented person, that's a hard one for me. I like to cross things off my lists, travel to vacation destinations as quickly as possible because to me, I get satisfaction from the end result.
Life's end result is not that great though, you know? I mean, yeah if you have religious beliefs, you have future hope after you die so I guess that becomes the end result but how many of us would happily choose to fast forward to that at this point in our lives. Not me, for one. Once upon a time in my sick, sick mind maybe so but not anymore.
In honor of that journey lesson, I changed the background of my blog. It's to help remind me to enjoy the little things along the way because the big things don't come around all that often. It reminds me to look over at I. intently and silently (hallelujah!) stringing colorful beads on a string to make me a necklace and marvel that this little being is my daughter. I have a daughter! That fact causes involuntary head shakes in wonder because I never envisioned myself raising a little girl. Increasingly, our relationship mirrors the memories I have of my mom and I had when I was I.'s age since I was an only child for 13 years. I chuckle when I think how disappointed I was not that long ago that I. would pretty much be an only child because I have great memories of it just being my mom and I. I think I was lucky and hopefully I. will too.
Life's end result is not that great though, you know? I mean, yeah if you have religious beliefs, you have future hope after you die so I guess that becomes the end result but how many of us would happily choose to fast forward to that at this point in our lives. Not me, for one. Once upon a time in my sick, sick mind maybe so but not anymore.
In honor of that journey lesson, I changed the background of my blog. It's to help remind me to enjoy the little things along the way because the big things don't come around all that often. It reminds me to look over at I. intently and silently (hallelujah!) stringing colorful beads on a string to make me a necklace and marvel that this little being is my daughter. I have a daughter! That fact causes involuntary head shakes in wonder because I never envisioned myself raising a little girl. Increasingly, our relationship mirrors the memories I have of my mom and I had when I was I.'s age since I was an only child for 13 years. I chuckle when I think how disappointed I was not that long ago that I. would pretty much be an only child because I have great memories of it just being my mom and I. I think I was lucky and hopefully I. will too.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Summer Vacation Day One
I thought I would take full advantage of the leisurely pace of summer vacation. At least that's how I picture it for the most part. Not having to hurry to the gym so that we can hurry and eat so that we can hurry and go to school, hurry to get things accomplished during those short 2.5 hours, hurry back to pick I. up, hurry home for dinner, bath, and bed. Makes me tired just writing it but that's what 3 out of 5 of our days have consisted of this school year. Yeah, I know I brought it on myself because I want to go to the gym and want to get I. in bed on time. But by skipping either of those will cause mental and emotional breakdowns of me and I., respectively.
But now it's summer vacation and I read all the paper, looked through blogs, and am trying to write this post while I. is requesting for the fifth time that I put her headset for her electric guitar. That noise level is about to go off the charts which will directly cause my train of thought to go off the tracks so I had better get moving. We're off to a tea party at lunch for all the girls in I.'s preschool class. It's a very cute idea and it will be fun watching the girls interact with one another.
But now it's summer vacation and I read all the paper, looked through blogs, and am trying to write this post while I. is requesting for the fifth time that I put her headset for her electric guitar. That noise level is about to go off the charts which will directly cause my train of thought to go off the tracks so I had better get moving. We're off to a tea party at lunch for all the girls in I.'s preschool class. It's a very cute idea and it will be fun watching the girls interact with one another.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Summer Vacation
Today is I.'s last day of school and I have to admit that I am a little nervous. I feel like I'm under the gun to plan lots of fun things throughout the week or it'll be the Summer of I.'s Discontent. I don't think my mom felt this way so I wonder what the difference is. Maybe I'll ask her today as this morning is the weekly phone call. I'm even more concerned about putting that "oh boy" positive spin on the stuff that I. will be less than thrilled about doing - the grocery shopping, the errands, the chores around the house - you know, all that stuff us moms try to cram into those couple of hours that the kids are in school. And my alone time, my off the grid time...I'm just not thinking about that right now. I think everything is intensified because V. is gone so much so it doesn't just feel like everything is on my shoulders. Everything IS on my shoulders. No wonder my shoulder won't heal.
But a bigger part of me is really looking forward to not being on such a strict schedule, it will be more free flowing and both of us will enjoy that. I look forward to taking I. to the beach, the San Diego Fair a couple of times, and all the other things I can find that we can just have fun together. Plus we'll go on a lot of playdates with my momma's group and plan to see her school friends weekly at the park. You know, we're going to have a really fun summer, I can just feel it in my bones.
But a bigger part of me is really looking forward to not being on such a strict schedule, it will be more free flowing and both of us will enjoy that. I look forward to taking I. to the beach, the San Diego Fair a couple of times, and all the other things I can find that we can just have fun together. Plus we'll go on a lot of playdates with my momma's group and plan to see her school friends weekly at the park. You know, we're going to have a really fun summer, I can just feel it in my bones.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Healing Moments
I finally am getting around to posting about how Sunday went. It's been busy around here lately and last night, I was just mentally pooped.
Date night on Saturday went very well. Not only did we have a good, relaxing time with our margaritas and movie, I also brought up the two major things that were identified in my therapy session as needing to be discussed in person. Maybe a loud restaurant was not the perfect setting but V. was going to be out of town for the next two weeks and I didn't want to wait until after that and the margaritas were relaxing him so I had that going for me! So, in I jumped with both feet and it went well. First topic was that if he felt I was being critical, he needed to tell me right then so that I could identify it in order to work on it for the future. However, we did get into what the definition of "criticism" was because I really believe that anything I say to him about him that is not all roses, rays of sunshine, and sweetness coming out of my ass is labeled as "criticism" and that just isn't accurate. We went over a couple of recent examples and I hope we can be on the same page. If we're not and he is holding up his end of the deal that he will tell me when I'm being critical, we can sort it out then. Most importantly, I wanted him to know that it made me sad that he felt I was being critical because I truly don't want him to feel that way.
Second topic was how the way he shows his affection (romantic and friendship-wise) is by joking around/bantering with someone and lately he hasn't been doing that with me at all. He just doesn't act like he likes me, doesn't think I'm funny, and at times acts like I'm annoying all of which breaks my heart. The question that kept coming to my mind was, "If he's not bantering with me, who is getting the bantering?" which fed into that old insecurity. We discussed that for awhile and he seemed to be shocked that I even thought the question and unhappy that I was dealing with it. Things have been better since. More communication, more kindness, more of the little things to stay connected; they all add up.
Onto my brunch with Mark's mom and sister...it was very comfortable and comforting. I think our relationship with one another falls into that "been in the trenches together" scenario. Once you've been through something so God-awful and seen the raw pain and grief of each other, it binds you together like nothing else. We shared stories, laughs, some tears but it did feel good to my soul to be with them. I was happy to hear and see that they are both feeling better slowly but surely. I commented to his sister that it had only been maybe the last two months when I finally felt more like myself and she said the same exact thing.
Mark would be very happy that I'm still a part of their lives and that we are there to comfort each other. Next step is planning the party in July. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year. Time flies not just when you're having fun but as a general rule it seems and I need to appreciate every day that I am given.
Date night on Saturday went very well. Not only did we have a good, relaxing time with our margaritas and movie, I also brought up the two major things that were identified in my therapy session as needing to be discussed in person. Maybe a loud restaurant was not the perfect setting but V. was going to be out of town for the next two weeks and I didn't want to wait until after that and the margaritas were relaxing him so I had that going for me! So, in I jumped with both feet and it went well. First topic was that if he felt I was being critical, he needed to tell me right then so that I could identify it in order to work on it for the future. However, we did get into what the definition of "criticism" was because I really believe that anything I say to him about him that is not all roses, rays of sunshine, and sweetness coming out of my ass is labeled as "criticism" and that just isn't accurate. We went over a couple of recent examples and I hope we can be on the same page. If we're not and he is holding up his end of the deal that he will tell me when I'm being critical, we can sort it out then. Most importantly, I wanted him to know that it made me sad that he felt I was being critical because I truly don't want him to feel that way.
Second topic was how the way he shows his affection (romantic and friendship-wise) is by joking around/bantering with someone and lately he hasn't been doing that with me at all. He just doesn't act like he likes me, doesn't think I'm funny, and at times acts like I'm annoying all of which breaks my heart. The question that kept coming to my mind was, "If he's not bantering with me, who is getting the bantering?" which fed into that old insecurity. We discussed that for awhile and he seemed to be shocked that I even thought the question and unhappy that I was dealing with it. Things have been better since. More communication, more kindness, more of the little things to stay connected; they all add up.
Onto my brunch with Mark's mom and sister...it was very comfortable and comforting. I think our relationship with one another falls into that "been in the trenches together" scenario. Once you've been through something so God-awful and seen the raw pain and grief of each other, it binds you together like nothing else. We shared stories, laughs, some tears but it did feel good to my soul to be with them. I was happy to hear and see that they are both feeling better slowly but surely. I commented to his sister that it had only been maybe the last two months when I finally felt more like myself and she said the same exact thing.
Mark would be very happy that I'm still a part of their lives and that we are there to comfort each other. Next step is planning the party in July. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year. Time flies not just when you're having fun but as a general rule it seems and I need to appreciate every day that I am given.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel
After I waited at the restaurant this morning for 30 minutes, I figured someone must have gotten confused. It was a perfect storm because I didn't have either of Joanne's or Michelle's cell numbers and the house number I did have was busy. I couldn't have V. look at my email because he was with I. attending the Father's Day event at her school. Finally, I got through on their house phone and was told that tomorrow morning is when we're meeting.
That's a bummer because I specifically said today since I knew I. had the event with V. so I wouldn't be missing out on possible family time. Since it's taken about 3 months to pin down a date with Joanne and Michelle, I couldn't even suggest rescheduling. So much for family day tomorrow. At least we'll have a leisurely morning to read the papers and then we'll have a little time in the afternoon together before I. goes to bed. And it will give V. and I. some special alone time together.
I noticed today V. making an effort to interact with I.. They wrestled this morning and he told her how excited he was to go to her school with her and after the event he even took her to a park and played with her. Who is this man is what I want to know. He speaks, he plays, he asks questions, he interacts, he brings flowers for no reason. Skeptic is very suspicious of all of this.
That's a bummer because I specifically said today since I knew I. had the event with V. so I wouldn't be missing out on possible family time. Since it's taken about 3 months to pin down a date with Joanne and Michelle, I couldn't even suggest rescheduling. So much for family day tomorrow. At least we'll have a leisurely morning to read the papers and then we'll have a little time in the afternoon together before I. goes to bed. And it will give V. and I. some special alone time together.
I noticed today V. making an effort to interact with I.. They wrestled this morning and he told her how excited he was to go to her school with her and after the event he even took her to a park and played with her. Who is this man is what I want to know. He speaks, he plays, he asks questions, he interacts, he brings flowers for no reason. Skeptic is very suspicious of all of this.
A Morning of Mark
I'm still basking in the glow of receiving flowers from V. "just because". Skeptic, my alternate personality, has tried to ruin it by wondering what the "real" meaning behind them is but I've been pushing her away and just enjoying.
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
Friday, June 4, 2010
He Brought Flowers
Tonight V. came home and he came with flowers:
I asked when he thought about bringing flowers and he said on his way home from the airport. I'm not sure what to think but I am going to appreciate and enjoy it for now. I hate having to think that way but skeptic is alive and well. I'd like to think that V. doesn't want me to feel this way and be stressed but there's a part of me that remembers how he was when Mark died. It was like a cold, frozen block of ice that nothing could penetrate.
For now, I'm giving the benefit of the doubt. Enjoying our time together that we have and looking for positive signs. Until I'm proven wrong, I'll enjoy this.
Roller Coaster
Yesterday was my therapy appointment and it kicked my ass. V. and I were the topic of it considering what has been going on lately and it was painful. For the first time in awhile, I walked out in worst shape than when I walked in. Last night I was laughing to myself thinking that I needed a therapy session to recover from my therapy session.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"What, Huh?"
Feeling a little better about everything today. Not sure why, I just am. Maybe because this Saturday is when I'm meeting with Mark's mom and sister and talking about Mark. I'm not sure what his mom is going to ask me and I'm not sure what I have to say. When I try to think about it, I go blank as I always do when trying to think about something stressful or upsetting.
Last night I had a Facebook chat with Jodi which was what I was hoping for because although I do want to check on her, I don't want all that nasty, negative vitriol cascading into my brain. But I didn't want the anniversary of Mark's death to come around without me communicating with her in some way. The conversation was very short and sweet but then at the end, I was saying to myself, "What, huh?" because this is how it concluded. Let me preface this with the fact that she didn't call me when Mark's headstone was installed in late April, she called Brian.
Jodi: "Did you know Mark's headstone was placed? I didn't tell many people because frankly there isn't a whole lot of people I want anything to do with that has anything to do with that part of my life! Anyways, talk to you later, Jodi."
Can I just say it again - "What, huh?" I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief because she KNOWS she didn't call to tell me so doesn't that put me in that last category? It's not that I particularly care, in fact it's almost a relief to me, but just the lack of tact and consideration for how that would make someone feel is amazing to me. That's exactly why she doesn't get along with so many people. It's actually pretty funny when I think about it.
Last night I had a Facebook chat with Jodi which was what I was hoping for because although I do want to check on her, I don't want all that nasty, negative vitriol cascading into my brain. But I didn't want the anniversary of Mark's death to come around without me communicating with her in some way. The conversation was very short and sweet but then at the end, I was saying to myself, "What, huh?" because this is how it concluded. Let me preface this with the fact that she didn't call me when Mark's headstone was installed in late April, she called Brian.
Jodi: "Did you know Mark's headstone was placed? I didn't tell many people because frankly there isn't a whole lot of people I want anything to do with that has anything to do with that part of my life! Anyways, talk to you later, Jodi."
Can I just say it again - "What, huh?" I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief because she KNOWS she didn't call to tell me so doesn't that put me in that last category? It's not that I particularly care, in fact it's almost a relief to me, but just the lack of tact and consideration for how that would make someone feel is amazing to me. That's exactly why she doesn't get along with so many people. It's actually pretty funny when I think about it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Those Old Issues AGAIN
Even though we ended on a high note on Monday night, those old issues/feelings that first resurfaced last summer and then again this weekend have sunk their claws into my psyche. Now it doesn't take much more than a series of coincidences and bad timing to have them morph into some big thing that isn't real though it certainly feels real enough.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Good Salvage Job
I have to say, we did a real good job of salvaging the holiday weekend around here. The night of marriage angst culminated with me declaring that what we were both doing towards each other that was causing the crazy cycle to continue just had to stop now. So it was declared that the next day (yesterday) we would make a concerted effort and it worked. We had a nice day, not just a good family day, but a good teamwork day that ended on a high note.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
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