Deep Breaths

Today is the day before V. goes away for the longest period of time we've been apart. It's hard not to think of today that way, it just kept popping in my brain that way. This is the last night he'll give I. a bath, the last time he kisses her goodnight for bed, the last night we'll be watching football together, the last day we'll be together joking and teasing about all of our inside jokes (because unfortunately due to the time difference, the stress, and sadness of being apart, it's hard to capture that teasing over the phone).

I don't even know when he will be back because he doesn't even know but he is warning me that it will probably be the end of January, as in 2 months from now. Yeah, I know, military wives have it rougher but unless they're husbands signed up AFTER they got married, they knew what they were getting into. We didn't and I actively made a point of avoiding military, police, and firefighter because I wanted to have a normal life without long absences. So keeping that in mind, this last year has been quite ironic.

Getting tired now so will sign off. I'm sure I'll be back in the next couple of days with an update of sorts.

A Day of Ups and Downs (#2)

I've already had another post with the same title but there just wasn't any other fitting title for today.

Here were the ups: the girls stayed another day, I wasn't on duty all night since I. was with my parents, I got to sleep until 9am (absolute bliss), we went mini-golfing,



We had a nice early dinner together, and they made a Christmas card for V. that I can put in his suitcase (I asked them to do this).

Here were the downs: V. was too tired to mini-golf with us and just moved from bench to bench, V. went to bed at 4pm until I rousted him at 7 but went back to bed at 7:30, the girls hibernated in their room from 4pm on, I started my period this afternoon, and V. never talks to the girls and it pisses me off and saddens me. I talk to them, ask questions, laugh with them and he just sits there in front of the computer or at the table and just says nothing unless he's had a margarita and has loosened up. I just don't get it - he was such an engaging, involved dad when they were 8 but the last 6 years or so, he just disengaged and it bugs me. I've talked to him about it but there's no change. He didn't even tell the girls that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas (they found out from me when I asked them to make a card for him) - that's just fucked up.

There were ups today but right now, I'm just tearing up because even though it's a full house tonight, I'm sitting here alone. I think all the girls had a good time mini-golfing, I was having to push down my frustration and disappointment that V. was COMPLETELY disengaged from us. I know he has horrible jet lag but it just hurt that he was separate from us. I have an early date night scheduled for tomorrow night and really, I don't hold much hope for it. Maybe if I keep my expectations down to nothing, I'll be pleasantly surprised. We'll see...

Trying to Live in the Moment

The title of the post contains a very hard concept for me right now. Thanksgiving went better than expected until after dinner. My mom woke up with a migraine, due to all the stress, so I knew I was going to have to really help organize everything or we wouldn't have a chance in hell at having the rest of the dinner ready when the turkey was done.

Due to the migraine meds she was on, trying to keep my mom on task was almost impossible so I got an assembly line of my brother and sister to take care of the potatoes while I took care of all the other side dishes. This allowed my mom to just take care of the easy things like getting the serving dishes and utensils and other peripheral stuff which was perfect. The dinner went off very smoothly and everyone agreed that it was the most efficient, organized, and relaxed (most importantly) Thanksgiving preparation ever. My sister didn't have a problem with the wine, in fact she had a glass which I wasn't particularly comfortable with but since my parents had put a wine glass in front of her setting, what was I going to do?

After dinner, I put I. to bed and that's when things got pretty irritating 'cause my sister was acting all weird, saying bizarre things, and doing this weird "staring thing" that she does at my brother's new girlfriend and the girls too. So people started laughing and she just kept laughing inappropriately loud and talking super loud which I was afraid would interfere with I. falling asleep (over an hour later than normal as is). So I had to keep telling her to shut up but she kept doing it until dessert. V. was falling asleep by this point so we left right after dessert. Apart from that last 30 minutes, Thanksgiving was a success but boy am I tired!

Driving home, my mind inevitably drifted to Mark. It also drifted to the fact that V. will be leaving on Monday morning at 7am-ish and be gone for the longest time we've ever been apart and at a difficult time of year. I started getting sad but am trying to not go there now but it's really hard. Sometimes it's better to deal with things in little bits before they happen so that you don't hold it together to just fall apart completely when the event actually happens. I don't know which is healthier - guess I should have figured this out before this weekend!

Silent Night, All is Calm, All is Bright

It feels like Christmas having V. and the girls here all at one time. This used to be a every weekend experience but it has been since October since we've all been together. It feels really nice. We had a family dinner at home and will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my parents' tomorrow. I'm hoping that tomorrow won't be as stressful as I think it may be - my dad is stressed with work and his high-maintenance-ness is stressing my mom out PLUS we have the wild card, my sister. God knows what she will say or do. She thinks if anyone drinks on a holiday, they are alcoholics. Okay, yeah whatever. So I'm officially in charge of the holiday wine, I'm bringing 3 bottles and I'm going to enjoy it! If that makes me an addict, then I'll have an extra glass for her too!

We'll see how tomorrow goes but regardless, it'll be good to have V. and the girls here regardless. Because after Monday, I. and I are on our own until some January date TBD. December is going to suck but I'll deal with that after V. leaves. Until then, I'll be happy with what is here. Date night scheduled this Saturday.

A Really Nice Day

Tonight I'm tired but because of a good day for a change. I went to the Zoo with my friend Kathy and I. and we had a really nice time. We were able to have adult conversation in between looking at the animals and paying attention to I. It was so nice to have some adult fun, enjoy the fall weather, and watch I. having fun. Even the adult fun turned silly as predicted:


It was comforting to me to be with someone who I have shared history with over the last 9+ years. While I was taking a shower tonight and reflecting on the day, it also struck me that this is a friend who WOULD be there supporting me if I got cancer like I was for Mark. That's been one of the things that I've been struggling with/saddened by. I have very few really close friends and I'm still not confident that V. would be all that supportive so it's a fear I have that if something happened to me, I would be very much alone. But, today I realized, Kathy would be there for me and that helps.

Today WILL Be a Better Day

I woke up this morning and thought to myself,"Today will be a better day!". It has nothing to do with determination or positive thinking though. It has to do with the fact that my ex-therapist, now good friend, facebooked me earlier this week to see if we could go for a walk today. I. doesn't have school today so I thought we could go to the zoo so I. would have plenty to look at while my friend and I talk. Even though we are just friends now as opposed to therapist-patient, she still has all those great listening qualities and has retained the ability to translate what I am saying into something that actually makes sense (carried over from our past sessions). Best of all, she has a wickedly sick sense of humor that calls out to my own sick humor. One of her infamous therapist comments to me was "You're a man trapped in a woman's body!" due to my unique way of looking at things. Whenever we are together, there is usually a lot of laughter involved.

And boy, could I use A LOT of that right now.

I'm So F*ing Done

Two phone calls I could have done without tonight. First my mom calls because I haven't called her in a week and a half so I answer the phone 'cause I know she's wondering why. The conversation was okay except for two things. First, she comments on how in the last month, several women have tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Her next comment was that it was odd because "you know, most women try to kill themselves the easy way by taking pills". Hmmm, either she's callous or has written an alternative rendition of my history 'cause that's just not something she should said to me. YOU get to that point emotionally and then swallow 300 pills and THEN tell me how easy it is, okay? I'll wait for you to get back to me on that.

Then I said something about how I've been trying to process my loss of Mark and that how I was trying to stop (I hesitated here trying to find the right word) and she decided to fill in the blank with "moping". Uh, no I haven't been moping. I've been grieving and that's what healthy normal people do when someone they love dies. You don't just go with the "you have to have a positive attitude and watch funny movies in order to feel better and move on". It's not healthy and I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING MOPING. Give me a break.

The second phone call was from V. who informed me that IF he makes it home on Wednesday night, he'll have to fly back Monday, 5 days later. I was thinking he'd be home for his usual 10 days, meaning that we would be able to actually use the early Christmas tickets to the Seinfeld comedy show at the Civic Theater. But nope, that would be something fun so that's not allowed. So I said, "Oh great. I thought we were going to be able to go out and have fun that one night and now I'll just be sitting there by myself I guess." His response: 2 loud drawn out breaths out. So I said,"You know what, we should just get off the phone now because I am so done." And that's what we did. I'm ready for a new day.

Overwhelmed and A Little Depressed

This morning was one of the worst mornings I've had in recent memory. I woke this morning to the discovery that one of the cats had filled their stomach with dry food and then chewed on a balloon ribbon which caused he/she to barf up copious amounts of food in 4 different sections of the living room carpet. I cleaned that up after I fed the cats during which time the parrot dumped his entire bowl of food on the ground and with it being tile, the food travelled everywhere.

After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.

On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.

Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.

It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.

All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.

Memories of Mark

After I took I. to school, I took myself out for a sushi lunch. Next week, I. does not have school so I won't get those breaks that I've been enjoying. Plus, I figured that it was cheaper to "treat" myself while she is in school since I don't have to pay a babysitter. So I enjoyed my sushi and magazine and then headed home to get a few things done and a short rest.

During the short rest, I heard UPS leave something at the door or rather I heard Hootie the parrot begin his best imitation of a very loud car alarm which he does when he sees someone approaching the door. It's actually kind of handy when you're upstairs and might be expecting someone/something at the door.

Anyways, I heard him and knew what it was. It was my Mark book that I made last week and it was here, specifically on my doorstep. Part of me wanted to go look at it but most of me knew that it was not a good idea because I was needing to leave in 10 minutes to pick I. up from school. Right before I left the house, I brought the package in and left it on the table which is where it is now. I'm going to open it now...

It's a beautiful book and I'm so glad I made it. I made it through without crying until our last 2 pictures. Those last 2 pictures just bring the last 5 days flooding back - the raw emotions, pain, the long agonizing journey to death. But again, it is a beautiful book though I WISH I had so many more photos to put in it and I'm so bummed that my wedding picture with Mark wouldn't scan adequately enough to include it. I just went and found 2 pictures from the reception with Mark and I in them so I attached them to the book and maybe I'll see if the wedding photographer (I don't even remember who it was) still has the digital file of that one photo so that I can enlarge and frame it. That would be awesome.

By All Accounts - A Sucky Day

A sucky day was bound to happen after a good couple of days. It wasn't a balls to the wall kind of bad day, it just was a combination of various "yucks" that added up to a general suckiness.

The day started out well enough - I. and I both felt pretty good and were in good moods. We went to the gym and because we were going straight to the pancreatic cancer fundraiser, I took a shower at the gym and changed into comfortable clothes. I always have liked getting to take a shower in the middle of the day - I feel less worn down than I do at the end of the day and so it just always feels more pleasurable.

Then we headed down to Ocean Beach for the fundraiser, parked about 4 long blocks away and walked to where it was being held. This is when the "yucks" began. First of all, the huge banner filled with pictures of Mark was hanging up and that brought me down. There was also 3 big blown up pictures that Jodi had put together - their first kiss at their wedding, first picture of Hunter with them, and then a picture of their last kiss that I had taken in the final days. So that was a major bummer. After about 30 minutes, there wasn't really very much to do and I. started getting bored so I took her walking around, playing in the sand, and chasing birds but you can only do that for so long. We went back to the event and there was Jodi and Hunter. I went over to say hi and she acted pretty cold towards me and said she didn't know if I was coming or not. When I said, I had RSVP'd to the event on Facebook as soon as it was posted, she said she hadn't seen that (even though she's on the list right next to me) and that I hadn't responded to the couple of emails she had sent about it. I told her since I had already RSVP'd, I figured she was just including me on the group list as a courtesy. Even after that, she pretty much ignored me. Whatever, add it to the "yucks".

To add to this, I didn't feel like I fit in at all. There were wives, daughters, sons, and parents of people who had died of P.C. but I was just "the friend" - definitely a "yuck". Then I. ramped up the whining and complaining until it was pretty much constant and included anything and everything (a very big "yuck") so we left. Probably just as well because Jodi kept telling me that I should go walk up the street a couple of blocks, as she had, and try to talk people into coming down to the event. Now, I understand that the purpose of the event was to raise awareness about P.C. but I gotta tell you, I do not want to go solicit strangers especially in Ocean Beach to get them to go see some really depressing pictures and facts on a beautiful sunny day. Will I go speak in front of City Council to raise awareness? Yes, but approaching strangers on the street is not my cup of tea, even if it has to do with Mark. (double yuck)

Right before we were leaving, Jodi was talking to some lady and then she pulled me into the conversation by saying, "Mark was lazy, right April?" I said, "Well, at work he was always a hard worker and if he got into something he'd work on it round the clock." So she kind of disregarded my comment and kept telling this lady how "lazy" Mark was as though she thought it was an endearing but annoying quality that he had possessed. Huh, what? Why are you saying these things? (YUCK) Talking with Jodi's mom was depressing because she told me how Mark's family had shown up last night for the candlelight vigil down on Harbor Dr. and Jodi had gone ballistic, screaming and carrying on that she was going to file a restraining order and forbade them from coming to today's event. That makes me not like her very much because who made her the nonprofit's security, the decider of who can and cannot come to an event. What, is Mark's family supposed to join the LA Chapter of PanCan just so they can honor their son? I just think it's really self centered and immature and I'm getting rather tired of it. (YUCK)

Once we got home, I was wiped out but I knew I had a peed on bedsheet that I was going to have to change before I. went to bed. I went up there to discover that one of the cats had scarfed down an extraordinary amount of dry food and then heaved it all up, including stomach juices, all over I.'s room. No joke, it started at the doorway and continued diagonally across to the opposite corner of the room. (yuck) Needless to say, I was less than thrilled about this.

But thankfully, I. is now down for the night, the house is quiet, and I can sit down and relax. Even though I feel more sadness about Mark, writing this out felt good because it got all this "yuck" clutter out of my brain so now I can just sit and "be" for awhile.

A Really Good Day

A good day today for us! For the past couple of months, I've been craving breakfast at a specific restaurant but would always find reasons why I "shouldn't" go. But this morning, I was really craving it and in keeping with my current philosophy of "do it now", I. and I went and had breakfast out on a Saturday morning. Boy did it ever hit the spot and it put me in a good mood to do something pleasurable for the heck of it and have it be out of our normal routine. After satisfying that craving, we went straight to the gym to hopefully neutralize some of the dietary damage that was done.

After resttime, I decided that we would still go out for our usual Saturday linner despite eating out for breakfast. That would have been a definite "should not" before but I figured I would break the rules this once and I'm so glad I did because something unexpected happened that a couple of different things put into motion.

First, I bent my rule of no more than 1 meal out a day. Secondly, when we were driving by On the Border yesterday, I. asked what kind of food was at that restaurant and when I told her Mexican, she said she wanted to eat there on Saturday, as opposed to our El Torito tradition. So this afternoon, we went there and sat in a booth in the back of the bar area (nice and loud in there with lots of activity to keep I. entertained). We had been there about 15 minutes or so when I looked to my left and there was one of the waiters waiting for his drink orders. I couldn't see his face, just his hair but for some reason I kept looking long enough for him to lean back and OH MY GOSH - IT WAS LUIS - our waiter from El Torito who was like family (see http://feistymommy.blogspot.com/2008/11/catching-up-from-thanksgiving.html ). He's been "our" waiter since before V. and I were married for crying out loud. We had I.'s 3rd birthday celebration there because of him! So we talked and laughed and I felt so happy because we found him again and better yet, he's just down the street from us. The only sad part, which will work itself out in time, is that even though I. did remember him, it's been exactly a year since she last saw him so she was acting shy, uncertain, and refused to smile at him. But, like I said, that'll work itself out. You can be sure that when V. is gone in Saudi Arabia, we will be having our linners there so that we will be taken especially good care of by a newly found friend!

Striving to Be An Exceptional Momma

I know I wrote a post about wanting to make this next year really count but I can't seem to find that post. Today in the shower, after getting I. in bed, this topic popped in my mind (if it's not the treadmill, it's the shower - the times when my mind relaxes and wanders). And it hit me - I've done two things memorably and singularly.

First, I was a loyal, loving friend to Mark. I was there in the good, the stressful, the happy, and then at the bitter end and Mark knew I was there. Of course, he was there for me during the good, the stressful, the bad, and the happy times.

Secondly, I've really been trying to become an exceptional momma these past several months, compensating for a daddy that has to work far away often and trying to make fun, special memories despite obstacles. I don't think I'm quite exceptional but I think I'm a better momma now than I have been so far. I cherish this knowledge because this is being reflected in I.'s life and mind. She's now old enough to retain the memories of what her and I do and what I say to her. Today, I took her to Coldstone (free coupon for her birthday) and told her I was so proud of her for not talking back to me, obeying me, and not wetting her undies as much that I was rewarding her with an ice cream (a big deal). While we were eating our kid sized yogurts (yes, we got yogurts at Coldstone's), I asked her if she was happy and she said, "Yes, because we're here together." and gave me this big, happy grin.

That touched my heart because she probably thinks that from this exchange: we drop V. off at the airport and inevitably at some time I. says "I miss Daddy." I say, "I miss Daddy too. I'm glad we have each other or I'd really be sad. At least we have each other, that makes me happy." We truly have been working as a team - we take care of the cats together in the morning, play with them in the afternoon, clean up the house, and sometimes move the laundry along. In all this, I. knows that I love her and like her and while she may want to marry me (so cute) and considers me her best friend (again so cute), she also understands that I'm in charge. She's pretty clear that all I really expect from her is to listen and obey without back talking, tell the truth, and not to whine. Anything else over and above those 3 things is icing on the cake and lately, we've had quite a bit of icing! This is one of those times that I hope this isn't just a passing phase but a foundation that we can build on for the next 14 years until she is responsible for herself. I can only hope and pray and yes, keep my fingers cross, knock on wood, and all the other superstitions that can't possibly hurt!

Last Night Sucked

As this post's title states, last night sucked. V. called and I told him again that he needed to find out if the girls were going to Idyllwild with us between Christmas and New Year's because the accomodations seemed to be limited for 3 bedrooms so I didn't want to wait too long. Mind you, this is probably the third time I've brought this up in the last 6 weeks.

After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.

I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.

To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.

So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.

Happy 4th Birthday I.!!

Today was such a bittersweet day on a couple of fronts. It's always hard for me when I.'s birthday comes around though not nearly as hard as that first one when she up and decided to wean me cold turkey the week of her birthday. I concentrate on how happy she is to have a birthday and how proud that she is a year older, but with her being my only one, I realize that this time will never come again and it makes me sad once she's gone to bed. However, today she got to sit in the birthday chair next to her teacher at school, blow out 4 candles, have happy birthday sung to her by her classmates, and finally join the ranks of the 4 year olds. She was so excited and I was glad I could document it all on the video camera. Before school, I. and I made pumpkin cupcakes for her park playdate with her friends tomorrow morning and she's excited about that.

The second front was that we had to take V. to the airport this morning. Thankfully, these separations don't have quite the same emotional impact as they did at the beginning which may sound bad, but after mulling it over, I think it's a combination of her getting older, her having a life outside of the family via preschool, and it just becoming the new normal. She instantly reconnects with V. as soon as he comes home so I'm not really concerned with this change, more relieved that I don't have to deal with the aftermath every time. But it's hard for me in the evenings especially now with the time change, I. goes to bed around 4:15 so it's an even LONGER night - just what I didn't need! A few hours after I drop V. off, I begin missing him and then the sadness over Mark sets in because during these times when V. would be gone, I'd fill some of the time talking on the phone or visiting Mark - it was really the only good thing about V. being gone.

But now V. and Mark are gone, I. is growing up and slowly moving away and I'm just here.

That last sentence really drills down into the core of my pain - past, present, and quite possibly the future.

I.'s First Amusement Park Experience

Today was a really good day, though exhausting. My parents generously bought I. a season pass, to complement their season passes, and paid for V. and I to go to Legoland all day today. It was I.'s first time and she was psyched. Even though V.'s back acted up after awhile, he hung in there and stayed in the moment which was nice. He and I. went on some rides together and I really saw him connect and have fun with her. I guess my "talk" with him did make a difference and for I.'s sake, that makes me happy. We all had a really good time and I'm thankful for my parents' generosity because between the pass, the tickets, and the food, it was not a cheap day.

Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.

Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.

Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.

Mixed Bag

Let's start with the good, the all good. Today we celebrated, as a family, I.'s 4th birthday and she had a blast. Her sisters weren't able to come but her grandparents, uncle, daddy and mommy were there so it was still good. I. and I decorated together for the party and then we got her into her special party girl dress. She looked beautiful but a little unsure as to what was to come:



I love how she is not spoiled - she is tickled pink when she sees presents that she knows are for her, even if it's just a few. She was so happy to see her momma's homemade cake even though it wasn't anything spectacular, though full of love.



It was a great day all around, even the weather cooperated with some nice, cool fall weather.

Tomorrow, we're (my parents, V., I., and I) are going to go to Legoland for her big birthday present and I am really excited. This will be her very first amusement park experience and I plan on capturing as much of it as possible because I know she is going to be blown away. So many of her friends have been to Disneyland multiple times already but I wanted to wait until she was ready and able to appreciate and remember this exciting experience. This will be the first year that she will be tall enough to enjoy almost all of Legoland's rides and she will definitely remember it. I'm so thankful that I can see her experience this first moment (compared to the first year, the "firsts" are few and far between).

On another positive note, V. and I attended I.'s very first parent/teacher conference. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we first got together that we would be attending our child's parent/teacher conference? Pretty funny! The news was really good - despite I. being the youngest of all 16 of the kids, she's doing great on all fronts. She listens, participates, speaks up, is kind and thoughtful, and is socially active. She is SO past where I was in kindergarten. Her teachers were impressed because she's doing so well AND she's the youngest. She really is something else and I'm so proud to be her momma!

The only downside of this week was an underlying feeling of something not being "quite right" with V. and I but not knowing what it was. Part of it was that V. was having a hard time getting into our time zone. I mentally understand and sympathize, since I would fair MUCH worse on the time change, but it just seems that when he is forced to start working quickly, he acclimates much more quickly. If it's just "us" at home, then he sleeps from 6pm-11pm, is up all night and ready for bed at 9am. If it was just us, two adults, fine but try explaining that to a 3 year old who wants nothing more than to spend time with her daddy who has been gone for 3-4 weeks.

Last night brought things to a head since this morning I had already been thinking while on the treadmill, that while V. was physically here, we were still essentially living separate lives and that was not okay with me. V. sealed his fate last night by first trying to assert "his schedule" on top of I.'s birthday weekend schedule. He began inquiring what the birthday schedule was this weekend so that he could start thrusting his haircut and gym schedule on top of it. So as the Mama Bear, I told him that this weekend was about I. not him and that his schedule for once was going to fit around hers. He took offense to my comment that "it wasn't all about him this weekend, it was all about her". Later this same night he informed me that he was planning on taking the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present next year and that I. was optional as determined by me since this would be her first HUGE time change vacation. Since this was the first I'd heard of this, I asked when he had thought about this and he said 6 months ago which led to the "discussion" that I was tired of him acting as though he was an independent agent, making decisions and living his life as though we needed to "fit into" his schedule rather than him acclimating into our family life. This is the whole issue with us lately it seems. He lives on his own over there for a month at a time, comes home for a week or so, and then goes back to being a work android. Well, that's not good enough - while he's there I still have to be the momma, the disciplinarian, the wife and financial advisor. When he's there, he has to be the worker and about a tenth of a husband. We've got to work this out better because between the attitude and the jet lag, even while V. is here, we're living separate lives.

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.