A Day

Today was a day - some laughs, some crying, some getting things off of chests, and of course some insanity. Your basic emotional roller coaster that I could seriously do without. I can't wait to see what night terrors my subconscience puts together tonight as it attempts to process this day. I'll try to be succinct.

This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.

First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.

Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?

The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.

The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.

Not A Stellar Start

The past 2 years it's felt like us spending time as a family was not allowed so I have been looking forward to a nice family 3 day weekend. I was looking forward to having V. home all next week and had fun plans lined up but AGAIN, the stupid company decided that was not to be. As always, the COMPANY trumps our life. It's like we're in the Mafia or something the way they control our life but we get none of the perks. Perks of being in the Mafia you say? Come on, haven't you watched GoodFellas, Sopranos, or Casino - those people had ROCKIN' houses, nice cars, jewelry out the ying-yang, good food, and lots of friends and family around to make up for the fact that the men were never home. Okay, so maybe I am being just a little sarcastic but you get my drift.

Anyways...

I was looking forward to this weekend but it's off to a less than stellar start. First, the girls refused to take the train down for their visit to save V. having to drive 3 hours RT this morning and 3 hours RT tomorrow morning so V. is off and driving. Why am I complaining about this since I'm not the one driving? Because that means he's not only gone the entire morning 2 out of the 3 of our so-called family days but when he gets back he's exhausted and takes a 1-2 hour nap when he gets home. That wipes out 8:30am-2:30pm from both days. With I.'s bedtime routine starting at 4:15 for a 5pm bedtime, that leaves essentially no time to go do something fun. At least we'll have Monday to be together thank God.

The other not so stellar part of this morning was the way I was woken up. V. didn't communicate to me that he planned on going to the gym on the way to pickup the girls so I thought I was going to get to sleep in til 8:30 or so for a change. Not to be because I was woken up by the bang of his suitcase against the door as he used it to push the door open. Once he put that against the wall and dumped Cat on the bed he walked out. During these rude deposits, I was asking why I never get to sleep in around this place and I guess he got irritated because to him 7:45 is practically the middle of the day. And maybe it is to someone who CHOOSES to get up early so that he can read 10 online newspapers without interruption and have alone time. The problem is that where's the benefit to the family if then you have to sleep 2-4 hours when the rest of the family unit is awake and ready for some fun????!!!!! There is no benefit to the family, the sole benefit lies with the individual. And therein lies the constant battle of this house: individual vs. family. If V. was here all week, I'm all for the individual time but if you're apart from the family M-F, the weekend should be ALL FAMILY TIME. Of course, that's my humble opinion but at least one of my guy friends agrees so I don't think I'm being estrogen-centric on this topic.

But I digressed with that rant 'cause that wasn't even my beef which may be estrogen-centric. My real beef was that back in the olden days, he would have woken me up with a smile and a kiss. This morning, it's just BANG, no words, an exasperated look, and he left. My usual morning wakeup is I. yelling at the top of her lungs from the next room "come out come out wherever you are Mommy!" or crying accompanied by one or both of the cats meowing and crashing against the door. And you know what, I think I prefer my usual wakeup over today's because at least the usual wakeup doesn't leave me feeling unloved, unappreciated, and that I'm an annoyance.

Like I said, we're off to a not so stellar start of a 3 day weekend. I guess things can only go up from here, right?

Excited for My Girl

This afternoon marks an important event in I.'s young life. She was invited to a friend from school's house and this is really the first official "come play at my house" invite she's had. To say that she's excited would be an understatement and I'm excited for her. She's a nice little girl, often bringing handmade cards she's made for I. to school and is not one of those fickle little girls that I want to clobber. It's sad that that trait shows up so early on in some kids. I was often a victim of those clique-ish girls throughout my school years and have attempted to pass on some of what I've learned onto I. so that she is resilient.

Resiliency...I think that's a really important characteristic to groom in a kid. I think I should add that to what I hope for I. - happy, content, and resilient. With those three things in her life, she should be able to enjoy life to the max and successfully deal with the punches that life inevitably throws us. I don't think I was taught how to be resilient because my parents like their kids to need them, to be dependent on them so I had to learn that lesson on my own in my early 30s. A lesson learned while you're a kid is much much less harrowing than a lesson learned later in life when consequences may very well be life and death, not just dealing with someone being mean to you for no reason.

A lesson learned is a lesson learned I guess. The bottom line is really did you learn it? Now I'm years down the road from that painful lesson and I'd have to say yes I did learn the lesson and that it's probably what got me through Mark's illness and death. Better late than never!

Stunned

Since I posted twice separately the day before and I didn't want to be responsible for all two of my readers overdosing, I didn't post yesterday. I'm back today though and had a big surprise waiting for me on my blog. One of the real bloggers that I follow, actually left a comment on my last post about leaving a mark on the world that was inspired by her blog. I was so stoked!! It gave me a taste of how addicting it must be for those real bloggers to watch their following grow. I can't figure out how she knew I did it because you see, I'm not a real blogger. Because if I was, I would KNOW how she knew. I suspect that it has something to do with the hyperlink to her blog that I included in my posting but I don't know and it's really bugging me because I so want to know.

And no, I'm not going to be all "junior high-ish" and ask her because that's just way too dorky. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dork. Dorks don't insert the word "pussy" in normal conversations just to horrify their husbands and they certainly don't have a very large bottle of vodka in their freezer. Not naming names or anything, I'm just saying. With all that being said, if Mama Mary does happen to read this, would she mind letting me know how she knew? Because the way my mind works, this curiosity will torture my mind for an indeterminately long time. Thanks. PS. If it's such an easy answer that even my 4 year old would know it, please make it sound more difficult than it actually is so I don't feel like more of an idiot than I already feel. Thanks.

As I peck away on this keyboard, I am in the last hours of my last sizable "off the grid" for awhile. I'm outside on the patio with Fuzzy on my lap, feeling the breeze, hearing my windchimes, and watching this kick-ass lizard dig around on the embankment in front of me. The crows are carrying on about something as they always do though today there seems to be quite a bruhaha taking place. Yet, to me, it's quiet. When I do get time to myself at home, I like it quiet. I want to hear the sounds of things so minor and small that I would never even notice them on a regular day. These are the sounds of all the little things in the day that I'm too busy to notice let alone stop and listen. They are the sounds of life outside of my little world and it's nice to stop, listen, and realize how thankful I am to be alive to hear them.

How Are You Going To Leave Your Mark?

Lots of deep thinking today it seems. Over at TheMamaMaryShow, she asked the question that is the title of this post and it got me to thinking. It is a very important question for me. I admit, it wasn't even on my radar before I had I. but it is now, big time.

I remember when I. was a baby and nursing three times a night, 45 minutes at a time, I would sit rocking in the glider and thinking of all the things I hoped for my daughter. The thing I wished for most was that she would be happy and content in her life. Not successful, not a genius, just happy and content. I think that's the secret to a long, happy life but I could be wrong.

As she got older and got her nourishment from something other than me, I started thinking of this question in terms of just me. I think our 20's is about us or something close to us and then in our 30's we start thinking of things around and outside of ourselves. I still didn't have the complete answer until Mark died and it came to me. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It's not specific which is probably a good thing because it gives me latitude to define what "a difference" means.

I definitely know that a major part of that is raising I. to stick up for herself while being cognizant of others' feelings. To appreciate friends and life because they are a gift of today, not to be taken for granted as always being there. To know that she is loved and valuable because of who she is and how she has been created.

The other part is solely about me, apart from I. and V. The part that would still exist, God forbid, if they weren't with me. How I would leave my mark. For human kind, I would like to serve some role in hospice, volunteer or in a nurse capacity. In the animal world, I'd love to volunteer at the humane society/rescue group or serve as a foster parent. This isn't new territory for me - when I was single, I volunteered in the ICU at Scripps and also at a humane society as an exerciser and foster parent and it was very fulfilling.

Now I'm involved in marketing housing for the indigent poor worldwide so I guess this is another way of leaving my mark. This is a new undertaking so I can't comment on it that much. However, that brings the total to making my mark to: my daughter, hospice, humane society/rescue groups, and poverty stricken. At least it's a good start.

Seven Things About Me

Diana from The Adventures of A Write-At-Home Mom honored me with a surprise nomination for the Versatile Blogger award, which states that I must disclose seven random nuggets about myself and then nominate five other bloggers who I enjoy following. Let the nuggets begin!

1. I live in a house of animals who have serious mental issues and are conspiring to drive me insane. No, I'm not the "cat lady" but I do have two cats and a conure (medium parrot). One of the cats came with the husband, the parrot came with me, and then we adopted the second cat - a true blended family to be sure. The parrot imitates everything at the top of his lungs and likes nothing more than to laugh loudly at any funny tv show you have on, to the point that you can't hear the dialogue. Yeah, it's real funny. One of the cats wants to be fed by 4am every day and if he isn't, he expresses his displeasure but leaving a "present" from his backend on the carpet for me. Not to be outdone, the other cat appears to have explosive diarrhea once a day on the carpet when she gets stressed so I'll be adding Prozac to her daily RX protocol. If that's not enough to drive me insane, it's enough to make me wonder if maybe I'm already insane, which is a distinct possibility.

2. I am a black belt in taekwondo with experience in karate, krav maga, and muay thai. There's two parts to martial arts - the forms (or katas) and the sparring/fighting aspect. It should be no surprise to anyone who knows me that I detested forms but loved sparring. The more violence the better. As part of my black belt test, I had to break three 1-inch concrete slabs stacked on top of each other with my bare hand. I was the first female to take the test at the dojo and I had to petition the sensei to be able to do this breaking because he was old school and thought only men should break three slabs; women should only break one. As it turned out, there were five men and me testing that day - only three of the guys and me successfully broke all three slabs.

3. Another nugget of craziness related to martial arts is that while practicing breaking concrete slabs for a demonstration, I injured my right hand so badly that the ER put it in a cast. Keep in mind, I was in my mid-20s, right-handed and working in a professional career. But I was also the only female black belt in the dojo and I wanted to serve as inspiration for all the girls so the day of the demonstration, I broke the concrete slabs with my left hand. Yes, I was crazy even back then.

4. Last year was the second most terrible year in my life (so far). Not only did I lose my 39 year old best friend to pancreatic cancer, many times I felt like I was losing my mind to grief and anger, losing my grip on reality as I struggled to provide a happy, normal environment for my 4 year old, and losing my marriage due to my husband being 3500 miles away and unable/unwilling to be there emotionally and physically for me. Yet myself, my girl, and my marriage made it through and learned a lot of lessons along the way. That being said, if that was my second worst year, can you even imagine what my first must have been like?!

5. I have an aversion to talking to people on the phone. I put off phone calls like it's having teeth pulled. If it's a call to a close friend where I know it'll be a fun or short convo, then I don't have a problem. But if it's someone I don't know or with whom I'm not particularly comfortable with, I'll put it off as long as possible until putting it off starts aggravating me more than just making the damn call. I blame this completely on my mother who cannot have a phone call last shorter than 20 minutes no matter what the topic, purpose, situation, time of day, or excuses. She requires at least 60 minutes at a time and usually 58 minutes of it is her talking. This is why I call her once a week while I'm on the treadmill and as my annoyance increases so does the speed and incline of that treadmill. Ironically, I get my best cardio workouts on those days.

6. Ten years ago, my therapist at the time, who is now a great friend, told me that I was "a man trapped in a women's body". It has been one of the greatest explanations of me I've ever heard because it is spot-on and explains many of my oddities, struggles, and dichotomies.

7. Though I'm not a creative or vindictive person by nature, if you truly piss me off, I will come up with the most unique, out-of-this-world ideas for exacting my revenge. Take for instance three individuals who did everything they could to undermine me all the while acting as though they were being helpful. After a year of this bullshit, I'd had it and after some research on the internet, I sent each of them a gift wrapped, untraceable package of horse shit and dog shit. Unfortunately, this was not too long after 9/11 so they were deemed to be suspicious packages and they didn't get to actually open them. That's okay, 'cause the bomb squad blew those suckers in the middle of the downtown street which actually made me laugh harder than if they had opened the damn things. Here's a newsflash: you never want to piss off a resourceful woman.

After reading this over, I guess I can see why many of my friends and husband consider me feisty. Sometimes it just takes some reminiscing to remember that it's still there, it just comes out differently now. And with that concluding my seven nuggets of info on me, I hereby nominate the following five bloggers (three are local San Diegans, I believe) to this worthy Versatile Blogger award and look forward to their random disclosures:

Steve at Single Steve

Stefanie at Ooph Because Life Sometimes Takes Your Breath Away

Mariel and Jessica at Or So She Says

Carolyn at The Uncontrolled Rantings of a 40 Something Female

Maria at Mommy Melee

Honored

This morning I was catching up with my blogging "peeps" and guess what? One of them tapped me on the shoulder to participate in "7 Things About Me" where you tell 7 things about yourself (you probably figured that out huh?) and then you nominate 5 of your favorite bloggers to do the same. Pretty cool!

Of course, the only bad part is that I cannot figure out technologically how to get the graphic which announces the project into the post but hopefully help is on the horizon. As soon as it is, I can get going on the post. It's one of those things that initially you think you have nothing to write about and then as you move through your day, you recognize, "Hey, that's one. Hey, that's another one!" until by the end of the day, I'll be whittling these things down to the top 7, or at least that's what I'm hoping.

The best part of it was that my friend who nominated said that I was "the feistiest momma she knows". Best compliment I've gotten in at least 2 weeks!

Monday Monday

It's Monday and that means all those who descended upon the house on Saturday are now gone. It's just I. and I again. Mondays always feel weird until the new normal sets in, usually around Tuesday. The good thing is that V. should be home on Thursday night and then he's off Saturday through the following Sunday. That's the good news. The bad news is that that week is an unpaid furlough week but around here, we'll take V. however we can. It was a good weekend especially playing a couple of board games yesterday afternoon with I. and V. It was a nice, normal family thing - something we don't get normally so it's a real treat.

So that's it for this morning. Lots to do, not much to say - normal Monday.

Sneaking Away

Yesterday was a better day thankfully. V. was home with the girls when we got back from the gym so I. played with them until it was time to go to a restaurant for our traditional early dinner. V. took a nap on the couch and I decided it was now or never to get a couple of errands out of the way by myself.

Off I went to Best Buy to get printer paper and Home Depot to get nails to secure down the loose DirectTV cable along our bedroom door that has been driving me nuts for about 4 months now. I was doing good on time so I decided since Ross was just across the street and I had a birthday gift card in my wallet that I'd run over there quickly. Though I was in search of dressier black sandals for the girls' upcoming graduation, I saw some really cute (and cheap!) sundresses on the rack and ended up getting 2 of them for our Puerto Rico trip. Last week, we went shopping for I. for supercool outfits so now it was my turn. I remember from last time that the best thing to wear was something that would provide airflow between your legs because it was so hot with high humidity, wearing shorts would cause sweat to just roll down your legs. Nasty!

It was nice to get out and take care of something and then do something for myself. I came back after an hour refreshed and ready to be part of the family again. Good deal!

Putting It Behind Me

I think I'm suffering from a little version of PTSD after yesterday. Yesterday was NOT a good day in a variety of ways. It was like a buffet gone bad. A little of this, a little of that added up to a big pile of yuck. The underlying detail in all of it was that I. was so excited about my parents coming over that she was practically vibrating emotionally, making her a very negative and highly fragile "whack job".

First, I got up from the breakfast table to find that a disk had moved onto my sciatic nerve and I couldn't get it to go back where it should have been. Agony! I hobbled upstairs to get ready so that I could go to the chiropractor before the gym and I. decides this was a good time to melt down into a whiny, crying tantrum. When I told her to go to her room, she wouldn't so I with my back and shoulder pain, had to lug her to her room.

I'm lying on my stomach at the chiropractor in agony as she is trying to coax the disk back where it's supposed to be and I. gets on a chair I've told her repeatedly not to and falls off of it. Very little pain but it scared her and added to that "whack job" quality of the day, she starts screaming her full head off. Off the table I crawl, pick her up, and begin trying to console her but she's off and running and things are escalating (can you say "whack job"?). A quick visit to the bathroom accompanied by the issued threat of strapping her in the car seat and locking her in the car is met with immediate compliance.

Finally the back gets fixed and we're off to the gym. That's when I. decides to turn up the aggravation factor and whine the entire ride that she's hungry. She's hungry because she was too excited to eat all her breakfast so now that has to be dealt with. At the gym, I somehow located all 4 of the 30 treadmills that aren't working before I finally find a working one. Not helping.

Afterwards, I. is too excited to finish her lunch, meaning that I'm going to have to deal with that yet AGAIN before the day is over. My parents get to the house and leave within 2 hours, leaving a whirlwind of mess in the living room and a hungry, exhausted 4 year old. She finally eats a good sized meal and is helping me make my dinner for later (something we both enjoy doing) and things are going well until I tell her she's not old enough to stir the ingredients in a hot skillet. This after she almost touched the side of it trying to stir after I told her not to. Normally, it wouldn't have been a big deal but on par for the day, she throws herself on the floor shrieking and screaming at the top of her lungs. Basically, she just came completely unhinged and it was all I could do to get her upstairs to the bath.

That's when I called my friend Terry to tell him "Good God Almighty! I am so capital-D-O-N-E, DONE!" and he distracted me enough with humor and perspective that I was good after 10 minutes. Thank God for friends.

I won't even comment on the cat crap issue that took place at 11pm. Nothing like cleaning that up right before going to sleep. On the humorous side, I came down from putting I. to bed, I checked in on the butterflies and there were 2 sets of copulating butterflies with the odd man out butterfly fluttering around like crazy. Poor thing!

Hoping for a better day today... need to let yesterday go and wipe the slate clean. Easier said than done.

The Bubbi is Coming, The Bubbi is Coming

Yesterday was a good day with my friend. Picked me up, went out to an Indian lunch which was tasty. Turns out we're the only ones in both of our families who like Indian food so we declared ourselves "Indian food buddies". We didn't have anything planned other than just hanging out so we took ourselves a drive all the way up to Carlsbad to pick up his car from the dealership (it was being serviced). We just relaxed, talked, laughed, caught up, and I got to play with his new IPad too. It was nice and totally opposite of my normal, adult-free day, which was the whole point.

Miracle of all miracles is occurring and my parents are coming over for a couple of hours this afternoon. No, I don't know what they told my sister or the logistics behind the visit. What I do know is how excited I. is to have them come over finally. They haven't been over since mid-January to help cut and transport the Christmas tree to the recycling place. It's not like they live far away mind you - they live 30 minutes away yet they haven't been here for 4 months. I. got herself dressed this morning, picking out her clothes "because Bubbi will like this ".

I think the only reason they are throwing caution to the wind and coming over is because my brother abruptly moved out yesterday. They knew it was coming in the next 3 months or so but then he told them Sunday, that he was moving out on Thursday and that threw them in a tailspin. So they are both, especially my mom, so depressed about it that they are desperate for something happy to distract them, namely I. That was why I suggested they come over. That and I. wants them to see her butterflies before we let them go. Hopefully the cats can hold it together for the visit and Fuzzy doesn't slink under the kitchen table and leave an enormous steaming pile like she did yesterday right before I fixed my dinner.

Good thing I have an iron stomach these days. Around this place I don't think I could afford not to.

Off the Grid Part 2

I gotta be fast because I need to pack a lunch for I., clean up the kitchen, and get ready so that I can get I. to her "science camp" by 10:30. You know what that means, right? Yep, you guessed it, it's an off the grid kind of day. My second to the last one but who's counting? Oh, yeah, I am.

Today may turn out to be good or really good, we'll have to see. I'm getting together with my one other friend (yes, it's a guy). He's been super busy so we haven't gotten to meet for lunch or see each other since right before Christmas but he's on FB during the week so we chat pretty often to stay up to date. I don't know what we're doing outside of grabbing some Indian food for lunch but it will probably just be kick back, maybe go to a Starbucks and just relax and catch up. I guess we'll see. We're doing the Indian food because I haven't eaten at an Indian restaurant and he's been telling me about a place around here that's good. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

I'm a little tired from staying up until midnight getting all the blasted flight arrangements reserved. How those people at United sound so cheerful at that time of night is beyond me. Of course, they hadn't just sat on hold for 15 minutes either. Trying to make the flight arrangements for I. and I was not any less aggravating because every time I chose the flights that I wanted, it would say they weren't available and then I would have to reenter everything all over again. IF THEY'RE NOT AVAILABLE, DON'T OFFER THEM TO ME! Seems like a simple concept. I went to 4 different websites and guess what? The flight combo that I wanted that supposedly "wasn't available" was available on that 4th website. See it's that research thing again - more is better in this case. Yes, the price was higher than quoted before, it actually was going up as I was researching so we paid more than I had planned but the times are going to be as good as it gets for keeping I. from getting obnoxiously tired.

Now, I've just got to figure out the car seat dilemna but that's for another post.

Bitch

I had to go through that lovely Hallmark process of picking a birthday for my sister today. I dread this day. The last two years, I've been conveniently in Palm Desert vacationing so I haven't had to deal with this hellish deed. Before you judge me, keep in mind that my soon to be 27 year old sister lives off my parents, has no job, doesn't go to school, and is severely affecting the health of my mother. On top of that, I. gets ripped off because my sister is at my parents' house 10-6 every day so there's no point in us going over there or planning any activities with her inappropriate, obnoxious, controlling behavior going on.

We traipsed to the Hallmark store in search of...well I. was in search of a gift and card. At her age and innocence, it's so much easier. But for me....

There was a card that started with "Every family deserves a member like you..." No not really, unless you're the Manson family.

Another one, "You're not the crazy one in the family". Well, actually you are and then some.

Then there was at least a dozen that started something like, "When we were growing up, I always looked up to you" or "All those wonderful memories of us laughing together, remind me..." Yeah, the only thing your childhood reminds me of is pain, sadness, lying, anger, drugs, sex and the way that you ripped our parents' life apart which left me with no support system when I so desperately needed it. Your selfish actions, which continue to this day, deprived me of what I needed then and continue to deprive me of my parents' and my daughter's grandparents' company. It's ridiculous to me that you spend all day, Monday through Friday, with our parents while I. sees her beloved grandparents once a month for a few hours even though we live 3o minutes away. That is almost a crime. They won't be here forever and you don't give a shit about that so why not let them spend time with the people who do give a shit about that.

The bottom line is that you had better get what you want now because aside from whatever our parents leave you, make no mistake - you will not get anything out of me. I've already told our parents that you're not getting shit from me after they're gone. So enjoy it while you can 'cause it ain't gonna last forever, bitch.

P.S. The card I ended up getting says, "Ever noticed how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" The inside says, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy Birthday." I'm not a cruel person so this sufficed.

Waking Up

Why a non-morning person blogs in the morning makes no sense to me. I've been up for 2 hours now and I'm still rubbing my eyes trying to wake up. This is because I didn't get to wake up at a leisurely pace. The blasted neighbors up the hill put that dog out on the patio before 7am and it started barking its head off. Up I got to close the patio door, back to bed. Dozed off again to be awoken by crying coming from I.'s room. Jump out of bed, pulling my pjs on to discover that baby bear took a somersault out of the bed and is now unreachable. And all that has led to my grogginess and struggle to wake up.

I can't blog during the day 'cause I'm too busy doing. I've already tried blogging at the end of the day and failed. I don't have enough words leftover at the end of the day. So that's how I've arrived at blogging in the morning. It's still very challenging with I. clammoring all around me, "Mommy look at me." "Mommy can you get me this?" "Mommy I'm done with poops. Come wipe me!" You get the idea. Carrying a train of thought for longer than 2 seconds can be more challenging than any job I had in the outside world. You wanted to think about something? You just close your office door, put the phone to voicemail and voila - time to think in peace. My office these days is in the form of the toliet room and even then, as soon as the door closes, chances are there will be immediate knocking, questions, crying etc.

But I'll take my new "office" anyday of the week over that fancy office I used to work in. At least I'm dealing with a 4 year old who acts like a 4 year old as opposed to a 30 year old who acts like a 4 year old. Off I go...

Adding to the Zoo

After a busy day yesterday I got I. down to bed, took a shower, started a load of laundry, set up coffee for the morning, tidied up, and finally sat down hoping to finish reading the Sunday morning paper. That's when I glanced over at the butterfly "cage" where for the last week or two our catepillars have been taking a long rest (I'm kind of envious) in their cocoons except...what is that?! Some orangy-red stuff on the side of the netting. Hmm let's take a closer look and that's when I saw that 2 of the cocoons were empty and there were 2 butterflies in there. Pretty cool! Then I realized that now I had to get up, find the directions, and feed these suckers. So much for resting...

The most entertaining part of the evening was that Fuzzy, my sweet but feisty snuggle cat, smelled that orange stuff (which by the way is butterfly meconium aka. first poop) as soon as she walked in the room and then the butterflies fluttered around and she went nuts. I mean literally, she acted like she was mentally deranged. It was hilarious to watch until I realized she was totally obsessed. Just add bringing the butterflies into my bedroom onto the growing list of bedtime duties. Most people watch their face, brush their teeth etc. as part of their bedtime routines. My bedtime routine? Move one litter box into the hall, move dry food in hall. Put scoop of dry food in bowl in laundry room, put water in laundry room. Go get Cat and put him in the laundry room with said water and food. Get butterflies and go to my room, put towel along door edge so that I won't hear Fuzzy pathetically meowing outside the door from 4am on. At least the door closes properly now thanks to the handyman's doing. You've got to be thankful for small things like that.

On the plus side, with poor Cat locked up, I don't start the day picking up crap and a full stomachs-worth of food on the carpet. The probiotics I give him seem to be helping too. Now I just have to up medicine for Fuzzy to get her diarrhea under control. I know, too much information but this is what adds to that swirling feeling I get.

Okay, better get moving to the gym so that I can get a workout in before I. goes to school. But before that, I need to feed those butterflies...

Random Sunday Morning Thoughts

You can tell that V. is not home this weekend because I'm actually getting to post this morning. If V. was home, he'd be doing his online reading of 20 worldwide newspapers, basically blocking me from getting on the computer to check in on my "peeps" and do a morning post. I guess this is the upside of him being gone; I get to post.

The past couple of weeks at night I've been researching on end the logistics of a week long vacation in Puerto Rico. Talk about exhausting though it's my own fault. I take researching to a whole new level but it's a good thing I do. Let me give an example why.

I spent a whole week gathering possible rentals, most of them falling into a certain city. The prices were decent, the condo area looked nice, the beach sounded good, and I kept reading in the reviews how all the owners would meet the guests at the airport and escort them to the resort. I thought, "How nice that they do that! That way people don't get lost." As I reached the end of the rental research, I remembered that I forgot to check TripAdvisor.com for people's review of the area and resort so I clicked my way over to that site.

Boy, oh boy, am I glad I did. Because in the forum for that city and resort, everyone commented how while the condo resort was really nice, don't venture off the complex which by the way, is surrounded by a big fence and guards, because the area surrounding it is not safe. As in people were hearing gun shots outside the wall. Strikes me as a USC situation - nice area surrounded by the ghetto. So unless you want to be escorted in and never venture out, this is the perfect place for you. SO glad I read that but that meant I had to basically start over from square one, thus more research.

Two nights ago, I think I found the perfect place on the beach that I wanted to be on so I'm waiting for an email back from them hopefully telling me that it's available. Last night, I started tackling the task of figuring out the less appealing logistics namely how are we getting there, how can we get there without I. turning into a hot tired mess, how are we going to handle the car seat and sleeping arrangements for I. Mind you, all those "are we's" in that last sentence should be changed to "am I" because V. has no concept of the planning of things. Even when I try to explain what it entails, he just laughs it off and offers some lame comment like "I. doesn't need a carseat. She'll be fine." It's better for my mental state to not say anything to him because he just aggravates me on this kind of topic.

So far, I know that V. and the girls will be using United frequent flyer points (as V. requested) and will be flying over and back on red eyes because that's what United requires. There's not enough points for I. and I which is just as well because neither she nor I could do a red eye. However, what this means is that I. and I will be flying to and from Puerto Rico alone meaning I will not have any help. Somehow that strikes me as fitting. On the positive side, it means that I can choose when we fly. It looks like we'll fly the day before our reservations begin, spend the night in Atlanta, and then fly to Puerto Rico that next day. The flights will still be early in the morning which means both I. and I will be pretty exhausted but it beats a red eye. My main concern was getting into destinations before 5pm so that there could be some hope of I. getting to bed at a decent hour.

I'm not even going to get into the car seat and Pack&Play topics because it's just too much. Instead I'm going to start living in what today is going to bring. I'm taking I. to see a movie (Ocean) in a little while and us animal lovers are looking forward to it. Then to Kohl's for a little shopping, courtesy of some gift cards and then possibly an early dinner at Souplantation, which coicidentally I just found a coupon for in this morning's paper.

That's it, random thoughts that became less random as I wrote them but they're out of my head and that's always a good thing!

Future Hope

I read the blogs of the "professionals" and of friends and I'm always struck by how their posts contain teachable topics and/or great skills, at least for the most part. I enjoy how they inspire me to think more deeply or to feel less alone with the struggles of being a momma. However, inevitably, I finish reading and think to myself, "My blog doesn't really contribute anything to anyone's life." I have to admit, I feel a little guilty about that.

Then I remind myself that there are different seasons to life, as I well know from my own past. For the past 3 years, the season has been characterized by raising a strong willed, feisty daughter basically on my own due to V.'s anti-family life job. It also was greatly overshadowed by Mark's cancer diagnosis and death and me trying to deal with that. So, it's been a tough season of life. Of course, lots of good memories and fun times too but overall, it's been a lot to handle.

My blog, especially lately, has served as an important way to get those swirling (yes, again with the swirling) thoughts and emotions out of my brain and body. Without V. here, there's really no one on a daily basis to talk those things out in between therapist appointments. So I use my blog to keep things rotating out of my mind and minimize the buildup which is NEVER a good thing. I am consistently trying to avoid the "straw that broke the camel's back" scenario that us women tend to struggle with. We handle and handle until we stop handling and God help the next person who irritates us or doesn't step in to help the way we imagine they should. You know what I mean.

So, right now my blog does serve a purpose. In this season of my life, its benefit is for me solely. Hopefully I'll move into another season where there's less swirling and more contemplative thinking. It's hard to be contemplative with a 4 year old, dancing next to you, screaming "Watch me Mommy! Watch me Mommy!" (like she is right now). It's a miracle I can write anything at all!

Off the Grid Is Good

Yesterday's "off the grid" time was great. Terry swung by and picked me up (I felt so spoiled) and we headed to get lunch. Good conversation, laughing, and easy silences - isn't that what good, long-term friendships are all about?

Then we went driving all over Scripps Ranch, exploring one newish long road that I had been wanting to explore and we drove through countless neighborhoods, looking at all the new houses, giving our humble opinions as we went along. The great thing is that this is actually part of his job so he wasn't playing hooky (at least not completely). We even responded to a possible burglary and I was in charge of getting the map out and navigating us to a possible escape route. The helicoptor was going around overhead and everything. It was cool.

I initially thought he was only going to be able to hang out for a couple of hours but it turned out he dropped me back home right when I had to go get I. from school. So we were able to spend almost 3 hours hanging out. The best part though is the fact that we really did nothing but spend time together and that was enough, more than enough even.

It helps soothe me to know that even though Mark is gone and though our relationship can never be replaced due to its uniqueness, I still have a couple of guy friends that I can count on when the chips are down. They've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of me in the past yet they're still here and those tough memories actually bind us together all the more.

Back to my normal life today of being the momma and while I love this role and I love I. with all my heart, I have to admit that yesterday I felt singled out and special, protected and taken care of, and without a real role that I had to play. And it felt good, really good, to just be me, the unadulterated version of me.

Going Off the Grid

Today is I.'s science camp before preschool so I'll have 4+ hours of unadulterated time to myself. Or as I have named it, "off the grid" time. I know I'll have plenty of that once I. is in kindergarten and then I'll be crying because I won't have all the time with her that I have. But that's then and this is now. Now being I've been a stay at home momma for the last 4.5 years and pretty much the only one on duty 24/7 thanks to V.'s demanding, family-separating job. That's enough to make anyone celebrate some time to themselves, wouldn't you say?

I've enlisted my good friend Terry to help me make my "off the grid" time as different as possible from my typical day, which is the whole point of my time off. With his job, he can sneak off the grid for a little while and he's not going to wear his uniform today since a 6'3" man in a uniform does tend to draw stares especially when "accompanied by a good looking woman". Those were his words not mine.

Now we're not off to do anything heinous. We are going to do with brought us together as friends in the first place back in the day when I was the project manager and he was the client. That is, we're going to have lunch at a cheap Mexican place and then drive around exploring areas of San Diego right around here that I haven't seen yet. Since this is now his command area, he knows all these areas that I, having lived here for 10 years, haven't seen. Back in the day, he and I would drive all over San Diego to potential project sites and then we would have to sit there in a police car for 4 hours straight, counting traffic and taking down stats. That's how we became friends, just driving around, sitting there talking and being goofy for hours. And that's what we're going to do today if just for a couple of hours.

Afterwards, I'm hoping to have time to relax at the pool and thumb through a magazine since it's such a beautiful day. I think I did a bang-up job planning out a day as far from my daily life as possible. Stay tuned tomorrow to hear how it went.

Survival of the Fittest

We survived yesterday a little better than I had forecasted. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of tears along the way about things that normally would have been taken in stride by I. For example, she went upstairs while I was cleaning up downstairs when all of a sudden, there is shrieking sobbing and crying going on. I figured she messed with a cat and got bit in return so I run up there to find her in the bathroom sobbing about the smallest, tiniest, almost-can't-see-it baby spider on the toliet seat. And her standing there with her pants down, sobbing, screaming, and pointing. It was like that for a few hours. Luckily because I know my girl and had anticipated this, it really didn't use up much of my patience; I kind of felt sorry for her because haven't we all felt that way before? It's miserable and it doesn't feel good to feel that way. So I just removed or fixed whatever was causing each meltdown and we moved on.

No dreams about Mark last night but I did have one about fighting with Jodi about how things were. I also had a chaotic dream about going to school to find out what class I was supposed to be in and finding myself in a big, empty, dark parking lot while a storm raged overhead. Hmm, not too difficult to figure that out. I'd say that illustrates the "swirling" that I've been feeling lately. Last dream (that I can remember) of the morning was me and Anthony Bourdain getting it on. Nobody was naked or anything but we were definitely in the early stages of dating - kissing, flirting, holding hands, and feeling pretty great. He's not the best looking guy you could find on television but he's funny, irreverant, naughty, smart, and in that age range that I enjoy. And looks-wise, he is good looking in a rugged way, at least I think so. Definitely kicked off the day better than yesterday morning's dream, let me tell you.

Swirling Silence

This post's title seems contradictory and it kind of is because it captures two different things occuring in reality and in this morning's dream. But after rolling it around my mind and off my tongue, it captures exactly how my internal thoughts feel. A swirling silence. It certainly doesn't describe my external environment, especially this morning, which is filled with constant questions, demands, and whining thanks to I. not going to sleep for 2.5 hours thanks to a stupid toy that I allowed her to take to bed with her. Not tonight, that's for sure. I suspect it's going to be one of those days where we're going to be skidding around the corner on two wheels towards bedtime. One of those days where success is determined by the fact that all the mammals of the house are still alive and safe at the end of the day. Some days you finesse, some days you survive. I'll let you know tomorrow what today winds up being.

The swirling part of my internal life is due to a lot of work tasks for a couple of clients hitting all at once. Not only that but all of them require me to follow up several times to get all the info that I need to actually complete the task. It's like having many plates spinning at one time. Additionally, it just seems like something is building up with my parents - their health, my sister etc. and it's concerning me. I can't put my finger on it but it's there in the background.

The silence part comes from a dream I had this morning. There was a funeral for someone that I was at and Mark showed up and I was so full of joy to see him. We hung out and talked and how happy I felt is indescribable though I still have the memory with me of how good it felt. Then I opened a card and music started playing and we thought that was so neat. Mark was sitting right next to me and I handed him the card so that he could open the card too. But when he opened the card, there was just silence. He looked at me and I at him, and we just sat there puzzled. Then we both became sad and he was gone.

It's so hard to start a day this way. I try to concentrate on how joyful I felt but it just makes me feel worse in a way because it was just a dream and I'll never be able to sit next to him, feeling happy and content because we're together. But the day calls and so does I. so I get myself up, get ready, and make it through the day because that's what you have to do when you're an adult.

Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and my dad's birthday which means we can combine them and eliminate a second chance of family drama. I. and V. went shopping and surprised me with flowers, a balloon, a gym shirt, and some headphones that I'll unfortunately have to take back 'cause they're not compatible with my Ipod. It's the thought that counts though and it was all very nice.

Then we had to meet the family at a restaurant and this kicked off some aggravations. The restaurant was packed and we had to wait forever even though we had put our name in at 11am. It was total chaos, with too many people with too many presents, all crammed into a too small space. Add to that the mariachis and it was madness. By the time we finally got seated, we were hungry and stressed out and ready for a margarita. Well at least some of us were. My sister, the addict, asked for the wine list and proceeded to obsess about choosing a wine. Obsess meaning she was hovering over it, peppering my mom with comments that "I want the darkest. What's the darkest one?" to the point that my mom looked like she was going to pass out. I already knew that I would have no chance at being around my mom with my sister there. She monopolizes my mom - physically, verbally, and emotionally. I refuse to compete which is why I sat with my dad but watching it made me pissed off. At least once we got back to my parents' house, my sister acted relatively normal so it was bearable.

My mom has always been consistent about being irritated about having to share "her day" with my dad and this year was no exception. She made several comments about it and my dad made sure he showered her with 8 or 9 gifts. It was so much "her day" that she completely forgot about my card and gifts until we went to go home and I saw a gift bag on the kitchen counter and said, "What's this?" It turned out to be my gift and card. Is that strange to anyone else or is it just me?

All in all, a pretty good day. I always enjoy Mother's Day morning more than the rest of the day because my little family celebrates me as a mother - the daily behind the scenes person, the one who is the glue keeping us together, the lighthouse that remains shining in the storms guiding us back to safety. Isn't that what all mothers really are?

Itchy Kind of Day

We're just awash in itchniness this morning. My lip continues to peel, itch, and burn. I guess I don't need to worry about it being all better by the time my Tuesday dermatologist's appointment rolls around. I'd like to say I'm happy about that but my mouth hurts too much to speak.

To add to that itchiness, I. woke up this morning with a crusty, itchy eye. The eyeball itself isn't that red but it does have some discharge and under the eye looks like somebody socked her one. Don't you love how these things magically appear on not only the weekend, but a holiday weekend? For now, we're going the cold washcloth route but I think I'll google some home remedies.

I've gotta get I. and I ready because when V. comes back from the gym, he's going to take I. with him to go get Mother's Day stuff or as I call it "Mother's Day Procurement". That's what I told him yesterday, that he needed to take I. for Mother's Day procurement. Well, he was at work when I told him so I thought I'd put it in his work lingo, you know? They say to speak their language in order for them to hear so I thought I'd take it all the way.

Anyways, while they're gone, I need to run to CVS to get some gift bags and paper for my dad's birthday gift. All I have is holiday themed bags and lots of pink paper. Even I draw the line at giving my dad a birthday present in bright pink paper. Then I need to sit down and handwrite my Mother's Day letter that I'm giving my mom as one of her presents. I'm writing down all the things I remember about her and I while I was growing up. I've been adding to it daily the last couple of weeks as I think of things but now I need to handwrite it and put some meaning behind it. I think she doubts her mothering skills sometimes with all the crap with my sister and the past crap with my brother so a letter from me to tell her that I remember and appreciate all the time we spent together and how I cherish those memories should hit the spot for her.

It's such a nice day weather-wise I think I'll write it out on the back patio. That'll be good use of a little time off. Date night with V. tonight too - of course, he'll be ready for bed by 8 pm but hopefully he can stretch it to the ultra late hour of 9pm.

Deep Breathing

I'm in recovery mode right now, trying to pretend the day didn't kick off the way it actually did. I. was calling out, "Come out, come out wherever you are Mommy!" which was a good indicator that she was in a good mood. I knew she would be because she is SO excited about the Mother's Day Tea at her preschool this afternoon. All was well and good until...

...it became obvious that I. had already given a lot of thought to what she was going to wear but I wasn't aware of that so I blissfully tripped over the trip wire and we were off and running. The trip wire was that she wanted to wear her Halloween Bo Peep costume to the Tea. Thing is, I want her to be able to wear it again this year because it is so cute and it's made out of material that isn't going to fare well going through the wash. I know they aren't going to get the paints out today but just running around on the playground could do it in. So I said no.

KABOOM! Off went the bomb in the form of a 20 minute long screaming tantrum so I left her to that and went on to feed the cats or should I say pick up the big crap pile on the carpet. So I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the carpet while the walls are shaking with the screaming tirade taking place upstairs (thank God the neighbors work!) and it's not even 8am. I know I say that often, the "it's not even 8am" phrase, but it's a pivotal time I think. Nothing unpleasant should happen before 8am - 8:01 let the fur fly but before 8:00, things should be peaceful and calm at least in my version of a perfect world.

So now I'm trying to recuperate and forget this is how the day begins because it'll put me in a bad mood and I don't want to be in a bad mood. I want to go back to being excited about celebrating my motherhood at the Mother's Day Tea. I'll head to the gym, get it all out and then leave it there on the treadmill. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Random Morning Thoughts

I couldn't bring myself to lock Cat up in the laundry room overnight since he came down early last night and proceeded to snuggle with me all evening. How could I possibly do that to him?! I swear he sensed he was on the precipice of lockdown thus engineering a well-timed snuggle fest. Lucky for me, there was no anal assault on the house though somebody did barf just a little bit. Today is our first day of trying out the probiotics for the cats. I went to the vet yesterday and she handed me enough packets for 5 days to see if this may solve the anal assaults. She said, "No charge." I guess when I told her the night before that I was ready to just move out of the house and let the cats have at it, she took pity on me. Or maybe it's the fact that I just shelled out $1000 and STILL have the same problem I had before the visit. Yeah, that might be it.

I called 10 different dermatologists to try to get in to solve my lip issue and they all wanted to book me in June. JUNE?! My lip is killing me, peeling, bleeding, cracking, swollen and itchy and they want me to wait until June. Since this has been going on for the last 2-3 weeks, I'd like to see someone before then. Finally, I found one with an opening next Tuesday so I only have to suffer another week. My luck, it'll miraculously clear up by then and I'll have to wait until the next time. Kind of like when the car is making that noise until you get to the mechanic's shop and then you hear nothing. I know it's coming back because this is the 3rd time since mid-March. So for the next week, I'll just continue shedding my bottom lip like a lizard and being in pain. The only upside, if you can look past the blood and peeling, is that it looks like I've had collagen injections and I have fantastic red color in my lips. I've heard it's hard to be beautiful but this is taking it a little far, I'm just saying.

The Positives and The Negatives

Let's start with the positives of the day:

• I have a cute little 4 year old girl who is dancing around to the reggae music channel that she picked out today.
• Chances are very good that I'll get a rest time this afternoon.
• I am going to the grocery store by myself.
• My refrigerator ROCKS. It's amazing how the same amount of food in this new one still leaves it looking empty.
• I'm alive and kicking.

The negatives of the day are as follows:

• The cats launched a full-frontal and full-anal assault on the place last night while I was sleeping. I came downstairs to find 3 separate piles of partially digested dry food, a separate entry in the "hairball" category, and the largest pile of wet, soft crap I've ever seen come out of a 12 pound mammal. All of this on the carpet for me to stress about and clean up. All of this after a $1000 vet bill. And all of this before 8am. As a non-morning person, this does not help me to joyously start my day.
• The day is pretty back to back things that need to get done and lots of multi-tasking which tends towards hectic-ness. I don't like that very much.

However, I do have 2 episodes of Mad Men sitting on the table waiting for me. I swear that show is like crack cocaine - once you start, you'll never want to stop. There's my carrot dangling for the rest of the day...

Part 2 of Culmination

There was actually another part to Friday's culmination of events and it arrived after I finished the post. It was the perfect addition to an already odd day - an email from Mark's dad. Not just any email but an email requesting my opinion and/or insight on the whole Jodi vs. Hettergotts situation. I just had to groan when I read it because it was going to require a very careful response.

I wait until I had a chance to digest it and then I responded as carefully as I could and hopefully it will do. Mark's parents still have not seen Mark's son since he died in July and now the fights are about what can be put on his grave. I mean really it's just so damn ridiculous and it gets me angry all over again towards Jodi. She's just so damn petty and hateful. The cemetary does not allow potted plants on the graves and if they are there, they remove them each week before they mow. Why Jodi had to take it upon herself to send Mark's parents an email stating that potted plants are not allowed and that SHE would be throwing them away herself is beyond me. Does she not have something better to do like raise a child and get on with her life?

This also makes me wish again that Mark had picked a better woman than her. I know she was there during his cancer but now that I really have seen her, part of me wonders if it was really more about her and less about being there for him. That's a thought I really don't want to have but it's there. I just hope that Mark never felt that way about her while he was so sick; I hope he felt her motives were pure and that she was there because she truly cared about him.