Spirited Child

I stopped at B&N to pick up one book but after reading another one called "Raising Your Spirited Child", I got this book instead. First of all, it seemed really positive and then I read a line in the first chapter which was titled "Who Is the Spirited Child?". The line was:

"You might have known since pregnancy that this child was different from other kids, normal but different....Or it might have been until birth, when the nurses in the nursery shook their heads in dismay and wished you luck."

That sentence stuck in my head because that was indeed when I knew we were going to have our hands full. The only baby I heard wailing, pissed off at the top of her lungs happened to be my kid and I thought, "Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into." Of course, the sick side of me was a little bit proud that my daughter was announcing herself so very loudly right after she came into the world.

I'm on page 47 of the book so far and I have to say that it's a great book, not only to help teach your child but to help deal with the feelings you have as a parent raising a spirited child. The isolation that you seem to be the only one with a constantly challenging kid, that something must be wrong with you and that you're a failure as a mother because you can't seem to handle one kid successfully, etc. But it goes on to show how to truly appreciate these traits in your kid because they really are going to pay dividends as adults - you just need to get them there. I know all this mentally. I feel as though I'm raising a CEO, unfortuntatly right now, I'M THE CEO and that's where the problems begin. But I think this book is on target with rephrasing and rethinking these frustrating tendencies and traits as positives and labeling them as such not only to help change the parents' mindsets but also to build up the kids so they like who they are.

Yes, I have to admit that I. can be annoying at times but after reading just 47 pages of this book,
I can relabel that as "persistent, determined, and opinionated". That's not to say that I'm going to stop teaching her how to be all those things without being annoying because that is my job as her momma. But by relabeling it, my attitude changes from negative to positive and she will most likely be a lot more receptive to my comments.

She's such a great little person and I want her to feel like she is too. It's going to take some biting of my tongue, patience, and thinking when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed but I'm determined to do it. One day and one moment at a time...

The Up Side

Originally, today was the day I was going to have I.'s favorite babysitter (you know, the one we use about twice a year) come over for a few hours and play with I. before she moved away to go to college. Due to an early bedtime, I. is in bed by the time the babysitter arrives so she doesn't get to play with her. So I promised I. I would have her come over to play.

We set the date and I immediately called over to my massage place in hopes that my favorite therapist was working and she was. SCORE! Later on that night, the babysitter texted that she forgot she did have to do something on that day and could we reschedule. The next day, I was getting ready to cancel the massage when I realized that was stupid especially considering that I had just found a drop in child care place that I. likes.

Bringing me to today...I'm so happy I didn't cancel my massage because after a week of being coughed on by I., I am sick. Not feverish, bone chills and aches sick, (thankfully!)but the swollen lymph glands, sore throat, tired, cough sick. I'm going to take the day off from the gym, sub in the grocery shopping, drop I. off at the play place, and head off to my massage. God knows after that vacation I need one and it will be A LOT cheaper for me to get one here than in Vegas, which is a mere 10 days away.

Speaking of that vacation, last night I saw pictures of Hurricane Earl pounding the exact place where our condo was and I thought, "Hmm, so that's how our vacation could have been worse!" It's always nice to see something worse than you experienced personally, right? It brings out all those thoughts that start with, "Well, at least..."

Some Good Escapes

The last few days have been better ones. I've been doing better with the no talking, no emotion aspect of parenting I. When she has thrown a fit or become defiant, I've been calmly saying, "Feel free to and then just walking downstairs and going on with my life. After a period of time, she does finish and comes down but I haven't had to waste any emotional energy in the process.

I also have gotten a couple of escape hours in the last couple of days which always helps me. Yesterday I took I. to a drop-off childcare place for a couple of hours while I had lunch with a good friend of mine. It was so nice to just have it be two adults, carrying on an uninterrupted conversation, and just relax and laugh with each other. Since the girls were here today, V. and I went to the gym in shifts so I got another hour and a half to myself. Just being able to drive in the car alone with whatever music I want, as loud as I want it is fortifying to my psyche.

The weather today is also making me feel good. It's almost fall weather, which is my favorite weather and the reason we got married in October. Of course, this is fall weather, SoCal style but if you're a native, you know what fall weather is. The warm sun, muted sunlight, and cool breeze that moves through the trees. It's weather to sit out on the patio with a good book with. It's the weather that brings the promise that soon it'll be time to break out the sweatshirts again. It's the calm before the storm of winter with all of it's stressful, rushed holidays filled with expenses, expectations, disappointments, and family drama. I know, the holidays aren't ALL like that but don't they still have that potential?

The only down part of today is that my dad had an important interview yesterday and as he always does, had put all of his emotional eggs into the basket. The interview didn't go well, not because he didn't do well, but because it was obvious that the job is not what he thought it was and not a good fit for him. So he's back to the dumps, convinced he's losing the house. I've taken the last few nights off from the job search just because I have been so mentally tired at the end of the day that I've been giving myself a break. After this update though, I feel the pressure to start working on that again.

Maybe after this afternoon's margaritas at our weekly dinner, it won't look so daunting a task.

A Glimpse Into My Brain

I. has the worst cough she's ever had.

Why the hell isn't she going to sleep? She's been yawning since 3:30. Oh shit, I gave her that cough medicine for kids that I meant to throw out since the red dye in it wires her. Great, I basically screwed her and myself for tomorrow.

Note to self: find no-dye cough syrup tomorrow.

Just like that book I picked up for myself which obviously was meant for my dad, it's no accident that I received this movie today through Netflix. It's called "The Boys Are Back" and if there was any doubt whether my absence would have an impact on I., there isn't any more.

I wonder if my dad is going to call me at 9:30 tonight to obsess over the latest on the job front. Last night I was too tired mentally to even get on the computer yet what am I supposed to do when he's calling? He knows I'm here and V. is not so there is no valid reason for me to not answer the phone. Yet it was frustrating and tiring for me to have to try to prop someone else up when I'm struggling with propping my own self up. Not being able to "hide" in my own home at night (from the telephone) makes me feel like an unprotected target, able to be gotten to by others whenever they demand it.

Are the protein bars I ordered over in the mailbox melting in this hot air? Should I walk across the complex and look?

I wish I could turn off the AC soon. I'm really starting to dread the electricity bill.

Tomorrow I was going to take I. down to the pool for a couple of hours before lunch but I don't know if that's a good idea with her clogged up nose and bad cough. Maybe we'll just watch a DVD movie and have popcorn in the late morning because we can. That would be different and special.

How many days until Vegas? Seventeen I think. Okay, I can do that, right?

Today was better between I. and I - lots of love and affection. Wetting the underwear sucked - three times today but she washed them herself as per the new consequences set up last week so I'm going to let it go. Just reinforces what I already knew about her - sending her to Kindergarten for a 7:30-2pm day would have been the worst thing I could have done to her. Obviously, she is not ready.

No emotion, no talking. No emotion, no talking. All my books say the same thing - no emotion, no talking. Why is that so hard for me to do?

May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be strong, may I live my life in ease. Something I read in a book this week, this author uses it for her meditation. Not thinking of meditation but I like the words and the goal of quieting the mind. God knows my mind needs quieting.

While on the treadmill today, I realized that I'm lonely. My best friend died, my husband is out of town M-F, and I really don't have any friends that I'm very close to, as in a daily or even a weekly basis. I thought about that. Part of me doesn't feel energized enough to make the concerted effort of time, self, and energy that must go into developing a friendship, a close one that is. Part of me doesn't feel like I have the time to devote to a friendship and part of me doesn't want to get close to anyone because my past experience has been that they either move or die. And when that happens, a part of me is gone and I'm left with feeling a loss. Someday maybe I'll be up to it, but it's not now. Until then or if V. ever has a normal job where we see each other almost daily, I guess I'm just going to feel lonely.

Going to feel outside and see if it's cool down enough to turn off the AC. No, not yet. Note to self: need to figure out who I'm going to have come out and fix the porch light. I don't like having it pitch black outside our house.

I need to get back to this movie or it's going to get late before I know it.

Hopefully, I. won't be sicker tomorrow and I won't have chaotic, stressful dreams tonight. I'm trying to use the Lunesta sleep medicine as little as possible but it's hard. When I take it, I sleep so well, probably how most people normally sleep, and when I wake up in the morning I feel pretty good. It's just so nice to not wake up every time I turn over and if I do wake up, be able to just warmly drift back to sleep instead of my mind switching on and starting the hamster wheel going. Why can't I sleep like a normal person?

One Step Forward, One Step Back

I'll chalk up yesterday as a successful day since it was the first time in three days where I didn't find myself at some point sitting on the floor leaning against the toliet sobbing. The emotional hangover had worn off and my sense of humor had made a reappearance. I. seemed to be successfully fighting off this virus that hangs on and on so her mood was pretty high which is usually an accurate predictor of how easy/difficult a day it's going to be. V. and I had a good workout at the gym, teasing each other about past and present events and even though he had to go to the office for a couple of hours, he was home in time for I.'s bedtime routine. Last night we went out to dinner with my parents in Old Town and we had a really good time. Except for the inevitable phone call I got saying that I. was claiming not to be able to fall asleep. This of course after she discovered that her favorite person was babysitting. I walked back to the table, my heart dropping just a little in anticipation of I. being tired today, and just a little aggravated that I was caught taking a few hours off.

I know it's stupid of me to feel aggravated. It's not like I. was sitting plotting this evil plan to not go to sleep. Yet somehow it just adds to that "I can't catch a break" mentality where it seems I'm always one step behind, one thing not done right, one reaction not jiving with the discipline mentality I've just promised I'm going to follow through with. I just wanted to be able to go out for a few hours as an adult and laugh with other adults without a phone call reminding me of what is not going right in my house, my workplace and what will most likely be waiting for me today in the way of challenges. I had this same feeling when my career was careening around the corners on two wheels. That feeling of not being able to really ever escape - it was always just one phone call away. The phone call of problems in my workplace that I was expected and required to solve. The phone calls that conjured up feelings of guilt because I had dared to actually take a short break from all of it to try to keep myself sane. The phone calls that brought feelings of dread and a panicky feeling, the pressure weighing me down to the point of just wanting to run away and escape at all costs because I couldn't take it anymore.

All these emotions rushing back with that one phone call. If I'm being honest, it's not just a phone call that can trigger all of this. Since the "vacation", it's as simple as being in an overwhelmed state and I. calling/demanding/sassing/crying one more (or many) more times and these feelings surface. Thus the sobfests in the bathroom.

Maybe now that I've identified what's going on and what's triggering it, I'll have better perspective on it, knowing that it's not completely rooted in what's going on in present day. If that doesn't work, I'll just look at our upcoming Las Vegas trip itinerary and go away in my mind for just a little while...

Emotional Hangover

After a bad night, it was hard to get out of bed this morning. I really just didn't want to have to deal with anything else. Thankfully, the morning went pretty smoothly and I actually got to drink my protein drink for lunch in peace. I. and V. are in the bedroom lying on the bed watching something as we make our way into a rest time. V. helped clean up while I made I. her lunch and that was appreciated too. So those are the good things of this day and hopefully there will be a few more before it's over.

I'm hoping that I'm just suffering from an emotional hangover as a result of last night and that the way I am feeling and existing now is not the new normal. 'Cause it doesn't feel good. I know exactly what this feels like and I just pray that I don't feel this way tomorrow.

Hopeful?

After Wednesday's disastrous beginning, things have been a little better maybe because I got a couple of hours of solitude during two of those days. I wanted to surprise V. when he comes home with some new clothes so I found a drop-off place where the kids play and you can go and do. So I went and did, just for a short time but it was still a nice break and there would have been no way I could have shopped so efficiently with her at that store.

Yesterday, we headed back up to my parents' house so that I could go to lunch with my little bro and I. could have lunch and play with my parents for a short time. So there was another couple of hours I just got to be me, a human female instead of "Momma". Not that I don't like Momma, I do. It's just that I desperately need to be something else for just a couple of hours a month (really more like every week but I'll have that when school starts).

I. has been acting better as her cough gets better. She never said that she wasn't feeling well but with her nose running for a week and a cough the last 4 days, she couldn't have been feeling in top shape. Just like sleep, she is hypersensitive to illness as far as how it affects her behavior. Maybe next week we'll have a "normal" week of regular sleep and no illness and then I'll see what her behavior is like. Maybe things aren't as disastrous and they've seemed the last month. I can only hope.

The 3 F's

The sense of futility, frustration, and failure hangs heavy in the humid air this morning. Before 8:15 am. I was in tears, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my daughter. The one that just 5 years ago, I carried in my body and was so looking forward to meeting.

I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.

And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.

It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.

Speaking of a Perfect Storm

Brutal day of mothering so far and it's only 2pm so there's still plenty of more time for fun. The perfect storm began this morning gathering up churning waves, dark clouds, and high winds in our house today and officially hit land at 1:30 this afternoon.

I think I. has been again fighting off a virus for a few days now which does not help improve attitude and really, I have been trying to take that into account. Here's how the perfect storm grew and grew:

1. When I went to pick her up at the gym, she ignored me and then refused to stand up to walk to the kids' club bathroom (she said she had to go). This is the third day in a row of this crap.
2. My shoulder is absolutely killing me even when I'm not moving; a direct result of the last 3 days of I. refusing to stand up to do something and just throwing herself down like deadweight. 24/7 acute pain due to one certain person is a hard thing to keep moving on from.
3. When I had a salesperson over here for 20 minutes after lunch, she kept interrupting and whining like a brat.
4. She proudly wet her underwear not once but twice already today. Obviously losing television time is not enough consequence for her to stop doing it. Just another area of discipline I feel I'm failing in.
5. The straw was when it was time for resttime and she talked back to me in the most snotty fashion and that was it. The straw - the big fat proverbial straw.

And I lost it. Not my finest moment but I grabbed her and yelled that she had to stop talking back to me, that I was sick of it, and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. Like any of that matters to her, I know but after literally 3 weeks of this shit, day in and day out, without a break, you know I'm human. I picked her up, put her in the crib (thank God she's still in that), put her sippy cup of milk and some books in there and told her if she talked to me like that, I wasn't going to give her the milk or read books to her, I didn't want to be around someone who talked like that to me and then I walked out.

To say that she got upset is an understatement. Things were launched out of the crib like it was a foxhole, screaming and much crying ensued but after 5-10 minutes, things quieted down and I hear her turning the pages as she looks through books. Meanwhile, I've taken a shower, made myself an iced coffee, iced my shoulder for a few minutes of pain relief, read a bit in a magazine, and got out a parenting book to find a better tactic for next time when she talks back to me. Which will probably be as soon as I walk into her room...grrrr. The basis of the plan is no emotion and she's going to spend time apart from me in her room. If she is disrespectful towards me, she doesn't get to be around me - bottom line.

The bad part of that plan is that I'm going to have to lug her up 2 flights of stairs because she's not going up there by herself, I know that for a fact. This is not going to be conducive for my shoulder getting better but I'm out of choices being the only one here. I'd willingly sacrifice my shoulder for nipping this disrespect and brattiness in the bud.

I asked my mother if I had a problem with talking back at this age or ever for that matter because I never remember doing it but you know, I had a different perspective. My mother seemed shocked and said that I didn't. That doesn't make me feel better.

Not A Great Weekend

Ah, Monday. Back to the normal grind and in some ways, it's a relief. That makes me sad since our normal weekly grind doesn't included V. and that's not the point at all. I like it when V. is here especially after we get I. to bed, it's nice to have the company and other stuff that we won't mention. Barbecuing and eating dinner outside just the two of us is really a great way to cap off the weekend. When we go to the gym, we get to work out side by side which is a nice change and being the sick, critical people we are, there is always someone there that makes it on our radar. Mind you, we're not making fun of how people look or stuff like that. Usually it's those people who sit on the gym equipment and talk for 15 minutes at a time. Those people drive V. nuts and gives me an opportunity to tease him. Unfortunately there is also a woman who is there on the weekends who could be Jodi's doppleganger and I get pissed off all over again when I see her. But I digress...

So that's the part of weekend I like. The part that I detest, I mean REALLY DETEST, is how I. acts much of the weekend lately. Putting the disastrous bathtime routine aside, if she is with V. alone, everything is great. If she's with me by herself, she's fine. But as soon as it's both of us, she gets whining, disobedient, and bratty. To me it feels like she ruins every weekend with her behavior because it feels like all we do is picking her up because she won't go to the bathroom, won't get in the car, etc. In between the picking up (which is NOT helping my shoulder one bit) is my escalating frustration that every single stinking little thing is a fight and that this is opposite of how things are during the week. And then the whole bathtime fight on top of all of it to look forward to at the end of the day. Plus add in the lack of potty training after 15 months. It's a perfect storm that leaves me wanting to walk out of this house every weekend and not come back til Monday.

I'm sure me struggling with some depression right now doesn't help me deal. It bums me out greatly to see all my momma friends on Facebook on Friday saying, "Yay, Friday! Can't wait for family fun!" etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, on Fridays, I'm trying not to dread the weekend. Things have got to change and I've got to get some ideas on what dynamics are leading to this and how to fix it.

Relaxed Day

Yesterday I finished a great book by Jim Moret called, "The Last Day of My Life". I picked it up at the library a few weeks ago to help me gain perspective from the daily grind. By the time I finished it yesterday, I was convinced that I needed to send this book to my dad immediately. Thanks to Amazon, he'll get it Monday. Not only was the message right on to what he is going through right now, it's written by a man who is so similar to my dad that it's downright scary. After I finished it, I couldn't help but write an email to the author and tell him this. The author kept saying throughout the book "There are no accidents" when it comes to things happening to him during his life when they did. It was no accident that this book came into my hands right before my dad lost his job, I just know it.



I'm taking a day off from the gym today and am hoping for a less hectic day. The last two days have been one thing after another and physically tiring, lugging bags of library books followed by lugging $200 worth of groceries up two flights of stairs. I swear I'm part mother, part pack mule. Anyways since it appears that my daughter this summer has been replaced by a long limbed filly resulting in pants and long sleeved shirts being at least 1-2" too short, we're going to head to Children's Place and see what fantastic deals can be found. I've bribed I. with lunch at the mall because she hates shopping even more than I (which is pretty amazing considering how much I dislike shopping). Then I'm aiming for a rest time this afternoon followed by playing at home before the push for bedtime.

V. got home last night so there's a chance he may be home for bath time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing because things get so out of control when he's home for bath time. The running away, screeching, and screaming - yeah, it's a fun routine between V. and I. but I. doesn't know when to stop and then V. just gets frustrated and I get irritated with him because he's the one who has cultivated it for the last two years and thought it was funny all that time. Now two years later, it's not so much fun chasing and lugging 40 pounds into the bath, is it? And who's fault is that? Mine? No, I don't think so because when it's just me and I., she gets in the bathtub nicely, no screeching, no screaming because I never encouraged that routine. Like I said before, I'm not sure if it's a good thing. The only way it would completely be a good thing is if I wasn't there to see it; then it would be fine, have at it, knock yourselves out.

On to the day though, no reason to think about bath time now.

Unexpected Kindness

On Tuesday, I. and I went over to my parents' house to spend the day with them. Originally, we were supposed to pick strawberries but since we had to wait until my deadbeat sister wasn't at their house every day, the strawberries are gone. Strawberry Fields ain't forever it seems.

It was a good visit, a low-key one but I left worried about both of my parents. My mom has had various health issues over the last few years. You wouldn't know to look at her and they just seem to keep coming and it's getting her down. Yesterday she had to have oral surgery with a process that will not be completed until next February; pretty major. They had to put her completely out and yesterday's surgery took a couple of hours. My dad is depressed about losing his job and especially hurt and betrayed by his so called friend dumping him on the street. He's losing weight and seems pretty fragile. It was hard to see.

Tuesday night after we got home and I got I. in bed, I thought of a good surprise that would at least put a smile on their faces. Wednesday after the gym, we loaded the car up with a homemade dinner for my dad, plus yellow roses and a balloon for my mom, and a card for both of them. We let ourselves into their house and set things up so that they'd see them as soon as they walked in. It worked and they were surprised and touched that we drove an hour RT to set it up especially since we were just up there the day before. It was worth it though.

For her next procedure, I'll plan a little better and when we visit the day before, I'll bring the dinner etc. with me then. Yeah, it won't be a surprise waiting for them when they get home but it was this time and it'll still be nice for them next time. There's nothing like unexpected kindness in the middle of hard times.

The Gift That Keeps Giving

It was a lousy night of sleep thanks to the combination of bursitis in one shoulder and a dry throat tickle that kept threatening to choke me. I was up and down all night and actually was glad that V. wasn't in bed with me, suffering through my misadventures.

When V. called this morning from San Francisco, I was informed that he is now suffering from the same virus, courtesy of me it appears. While I would never wish illness upon him, I have to say that secretly I am hoping that this will boost his empathy quotient. He rarely gets sick and I think he forgets how lousy it is especially if you still have to push through, as I do as a "single", stay at home momma. So maybe today as he struggles with ear pain, sore throat and chills, he'll reflect that this is how I felt/feel the last few days and still am trudging up and down three flights of stairs with loads of laundry, picking up toys throughout the house, and keeping up with our force of nature (I.) at the same time.

Being a stay at home momma, especially one whose husband is gone, is not for the faint hearted, not physically, mentally or emotionally. Why I don't give myself more credit for doing it for the last three years is beyond me. If it were someone else, I'd be giving them props every time I saw them. Stupid isn't it?

Positive Images of the Vacation

I thought I'd just post the good pictures from the vacation to show the high points of the trip since I keep putting off posting in length about the trip. I've alluded to much of the low points of the trip, so here's the highlights:

Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic

in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully

Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"

Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.

I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".

Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.

Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.

V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...

I Need...

...a husband who is around enough to know that you don't put away a puzzle that I. just finishes because that's basically destroying something she did right before her eyes.

...a child who is getting enough sleep and not adjusting to a time zone change.

...a sound-proof breakfast room with a locked door so that I can eat my breakfast without my stomach knotting up, watching the disastrous interactions between V. and I.

Random Topics

Note: this picture has to do with the topic two paragraphs down but I can't get Blogger to cooperate in putting a picture where I want to in my post.

Still digesting the vacation but a few things have come to the forefront of my mind in the meantime.

Even though I didn't feel very good this morning, I went to the gym and getting on the treadmill actually made me feel better. I got to catch up with a couple of my gym "peeps" and that was nice especially a conversation I had with a lady friend who has 2 kids in their 30's now. She asked about the vacation and I told her honestly how it was. She began laughing and told me that she remembered having a few of those vacations when her boys were young. Those vacations when you're working harder and more worn out than if you just had stayed home. She said she remembered looking at the pictures of the vacations and while it looked like they were a lot of fun, she knew the "real" story behind the pictures. I have to say it made me feel a lot better. It seems like I am surrounded by moms who have kids that are more flexible and less volatile when it comes to travelling and sleep. It made me feel less alone and less disappointed by this vacation.

In a completely unrelated topic, there are a lot of stray dogs in Puerto Rico which is a real shame. These dogs roam the beach, looking for food and water and people just don't seem to get their animals fixed - stupid. There was a dog that hung around the beach right outside of our condo complex and in my typical Dr. Doolittle-style (as V. calls me), he tugged at my heart. It took some quiet words and calm demeanor but finally he came over, allowed me to pet him and we became friends. If I went out on the beach in the evening by myself and he was sitting near other people, I would just go and sit on my towel on the beach by myself and within 2 minutes, he'd come over shyly and bury his head in my lap as I pet him. He was so skinny that it was painful to see and on my last night he was feeling so poorly, I am certain he isn't long for this world. V. and the girls didn't seem to understand my attachment and desire to be kind to this animal stranger. I mean after all, I was going to be leaving soon so what's the point? Plus it wasn't like he was a beautiful, clean, energetic dog. He was filthy, full of fleas on the outside and God knows what on the inside, and very little energy. Yes, I could see all that but I also sensed from the first time I saw him that he was shy, sweet, and scared. People in Puerto Rico are so used to seeing strays that they just ignore them. To me it makes even more sense to show kindness to something/someone who never receives it. That led me to thinking as I sat there with my little dog that I'm very consistent with this mindset. The mindset extending from not shying away from dirty strays to people in the last stages of death. To me, these are exactly the creatures who should be shown love, gentle caring, and kindness as they make their way through the last days. Again, working with hospice in some fashion comes to my mind and all because of a sweet, sick stray dog in Puerto Rico.

This year for Mother's and Father's Day, I wrote letters to my parents about my childhood memories and what I appreciate about each of them. Mark's death made me realize many things, one of which being that today is the time to tell those you love how much you appreciate and love them. One thing I wrote in my dad's letter is how much I appreciate how he says "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation. When I was living at home, I don't remember him saying it all the time but as he's gotten older, he's become much more verbally and physically loving. My mother was very loving towards me my whole life but due to her screwed up mother, didn't verbally say "I love you" all that much, though I knew she did so it wasn't a big deal. However, when my dad started ending all our conversations with it, it became more obvious that my mom never said it. Well, I guess she read my letter to him because this past month, every time we get off the phone she says she loves me and you know what? It makes a big difference and gives me a new, warm feeling even after 40 years of being her daughter. It also reminds me that I need say those three words more often to I. on a daily basis because it probably gives her that same warm feeling too.

Not There Yet

I just too tired, way too tired to do a complete post tonight about the vacay. I'm hoping that if I download my pics it will bring up the positives of the vacation and distract me from the negatives.

One thing I do want to post just so I don't forget is that on the drive home yesterday from the airport, I realized that I was pretty proud of myself making it to Puerto Rico and back by myself with I., navigating all the obstacles successfully, calmly, and with a sense of adventure even if I was panicking just a little inside. The key thing was to not tip I. off to any anxiety and I did accomplish that. So I'm happy about that.

Hoping for a more insightful posting tomorrow...

Still Digesting

With all the post vacation things that need to be done (grocery shopping, unpacking, etc.) I don't have time to really post this morning. Just as well since I'm still digesting this past vacation.

I'll just leave it at this for now: I am exhausted, completely drained and I just got back from vacation. I don't think that's a very good sign. Last night at 10:30, a random display of affection also explained what the vacation was like. My normally emotionally reticent husband who doesn't typically offer empathy got up from the couch, walked over and kissed me. When I inquired what that was for, he replied, "You've had a really tough week."

Need I say more? It wasn't just that I perceived it to be a really tough week, it was a tough week. 'Nough said for now, maybe a full posting tonight...