When Your Best Isn't Very Good

Thank God people don't actually read my blog because I'm sure there would be an outcrying over this post, complete with anoxeria nervosa specialist links attached to the outraged comments. Because these days, food is really overrated. This from a woman who lovingly plans complete semi-fancy dinners for the week cross-referencing her favorite recipes to what is on sale at the grocery store. I like to eat yummy food or at least, I USED to like to eat yummy food.

Now, I view food as a necessary, albeit very small part, of my life. Before any links for eating disorders get sent my way, this is not because I think I am fat (or was fat) though I have to admit I'm pretty happy that the little mommy gut I had collected along the way has shrinked measurably and on good days, has almost disappeared, especially if I'm standing up. But that has just been a nice by-product of what is really going on here.

Except I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on here. My stomach has been in knots for a while, leading to me getting ill when I do eat, especially if it's before 5pm. So, I choke down a low calorie protein drink in the morning (so I can work out) while I'm doing something else because if I'm not doing something else, I'll gag on it. Any solid foods in the morning come out immediately and I'm not saying anything more about that. Lunch consists of a protein bar if I'm can stay distracted enough to choke that down and dinner (since V. has been gone for almost a month) is a Weight Watchers dinner or some steamed shrimp. The weirdest thing for me, normally having a pretty healthy appetite, is that I am stuffed after these dinners.

So yeah, I've got grief and some stress to help explain this phenomenon but to be honest it's more than that. I eat only enough to not pass out, sustain a hard gym workout, and have enough of a foundation for nighttime vodka tonics after I. is safely asleep. Yes, I know it's not healthy, not even a little bit. But you know what, IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Better because I can control it, this in a world that is SO out of control for me right now. I like feeling the hunger pains because the physical pain makes me feel less guilty that I'm alive and Mark is not. I don't want to feel good right now because ultimately, it will make me feel bad. I can't do all the physical things I used to do to deal with my emotional anguish but I can feel the pain of hunger and it distracts me. I try to remember to take a vitamin with dinner so I'm not trying to do damage to myself, I'm just trying to make it through.

And while I'm not proud of myself and I may not be treating myself the very best that I could be, with V. gone and Mark dead and me trying to keep I. happy and my head above water each day as a single parent, it's the best I've got so for right now, it'll just have to do.

Tougher Day Than Expected

I don't know why I didn't think that today may evoke sad feelings for me. Today was Hunter's 1st birthday party and I. and I were looking forward to it all week. We went and picked out a couple of nice gifts and a card earlier this week and yesterday enjoyed wrapping everything up.

Then this morning it hit me. Mark wasn't going to get to celebrate Hunter's 1st birthday and it made me sad, very sad. Then Mark's eulogy song came on at the gym which made me miss him even more. The party was nice but it was over 100 degrees and we were outside so to say that we were miserably hot would be an understatement. I couldn't help but whisper in Hunter's ear as I held him, "I miss your daddy." because that's what kept repeating in my mind. Watching him eat his first cake, I know Mark would have enjoyed seeing it so much and part of me felt guilty that I was getting to see this when he was not.

So, it was a bittersweet day and will be a sad night. I miss Mark's smile, the way it would light up his whole face. I see it in my dreams, the good ones, that I have about him and it wakes me up warm and happy that I got to see him one more time, hang out with him one more time. But then it reminds me of how much I have lost with this one friendship and it makes me miss him even more.

Just when I thought it may be getting a little better this week, I'm back to where I was. I know this is a normal part of the grieving process but it was so nice not to be so sad, in pain, and either on the verge of tears or crying. I guess I should just look at it as a nice break and look forward to the next break down the road.

It Appears I'm Supporting King Abdullah Abdullah

That's gotta be an unusual posting title, I would imagine. But regardless, as I was processing bills for the next week, it appears that in fact, I AM SUPPORTING THE GOVERNMENT OF SAUDI ARABIA.

Why do I say this? Because I just looked at my credit card statement for the last 2 weeks and somehow I've racked up over $8500 in just a few days. Me, the person who doesn't spend money. How does this happen? Well, I'll tell you. It starts with a husband sent to DC, Holland, Germany, and then Saudi Arabia with a business credit card that somehow ceases to work so he starts charging on our PERSONAL credit card. Oh, it's reimbursable you say. Yeah, EVENTUALLY. Just got paid today and there wasn't one cent of reimbursement and this credit card is now due September 2nd. Jeez, think that may add some stress and aggravation to me?!

On top of it, I look at the details of the expenses and when V. calls me tonight, I ask him, "What the hell were those towelheads (pardon the slur, it is my fuckin personal credit card) riding in while they were in DC? Fucking Secret Service black Escalades?" because 2 days cost over $2500 in transportation costs. And you know what V. said? "Yes, that's exactly what they were riding in with dark, tinted windows."

Fucking Saudi Arabia, with our jacked up oil prices and I'm paying for them to ride around like they're fucking President Obama. On top of this, the company is mandating a 4 day furlough so we'll get a paycheck soon with 6 days of pay for 10 days of work PLUS this God forsaken project will not be done in November (or July as previously promised) but sometime next year so we'll just lose another year for our family. No big deal, right? To quote Tony Montana in Scarface, "You're all a bunch of fucking assholes."

Back to the Horrible Nightmares

After getting what apparently was a 1 day reprieve from starting the day off with crappy nightmares, this morning's was a doozy, complete with many different facets. In it, I was driving V. and I down the winding part of a local freeway (163) at night and I couldn't see very well. Things were just very fuzzy and my eyes kept closing. It was really scaring me because there were cars on the road and then I almost hit a CHP who had stopped a car on the side of the road. I knew he would call it in and they would be looking for me so I got off the freeway and started trying to take back roads to get home.

We ended up going up an almost 90 degree hill that leveled off to a patch of dirt. We got out and went inside this cropping of stones, like a mini Stonehenge and there was no one there. It was dark and eerie and we decided to leave but when we went to our car, a whole bunch of people drove up, parked and got it. It was mostly women and their daughters, older than I. maybe 6-8 years old, and they looked like they were getting ready for a dance recital of some sort. There was this ramshackle small house that they went into and we followed them in there. Lots of talking, lots of chaos, busyness, and fast movements as they unpacked their stuff. V. decided he wanted to leave but I wanted to stay and see what they were doing so he drove away in the car, leaving me there.

No one was really talking to me, I was just standing there watching, still in that drowsy, dizzy state when I realized there was a long hair hanging out of my mouth. I started pulling on it, and it kept coming out, until it was 2 feet long. The very end of this hair was attached to something brown and as I kept pulling it out, thick brown liquid started pouring out of my mouth and I was throwing this up for a long time. This freaked me out so I decided I wanted to leave but the people had hidden my purse and phone and it quickly became apparent to me that they were not going to allow me to leave and that things were going to go very badly, very quickly. I hid and finally found my phone, feeling drugged up and when V. finally answered, I told him that I wanted to leave and to come get me though I didn't know where I was. V. said in this irritated voice, "Oh, now finally you want to leave?" but agreed to meet me at some intersection that I thought was within walking distance.

I waited until everyone seemed busy and then started running down that steep hill but they saw me and the mob of women started running after me, screeching and screaming, and catching up to me. They were grabbing my arms, jumping on my back, and trying to stab me with syringes full of Thorazine and slapping drug patches on my neck. I pulled the patch off but still felt the instant effects of the drug which slowed me down a little. I grabbed the syringe and stabbed the woman in the neck with it. Just as I thought there was hope of escaping, I looked up to see another woman directly in front of me. She had this huge boulder in her hands, which she raised above her head and slammed onto the top of my head.

The last scene in this nightmare was this loud, angry mob carrying me over their shoulders back up that steep hill, my head covered with blood, dripping down my face, and me crying out over and over again that I just wanted to see V. and I.

I woke up, heart racing, emotions raw, feeling exhausted already and the day had just begun.

YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Stormy Weather

Well, it's as stormy as San Diego gets in August. Heard the raindrops and the wind blowing through the trees and retreated to the patio with some candles and my computer. The computer because I got an email from Jodi asking Brian and I to pick the song lyrics that should appear on Mark's headstone. It's going to be beautiful and since she narrowed down the band, I'm listening to different albums and reading the lyrics to see which one hits me as right.

As the wind moves through the trees, the rain stops and I realize just how much I don't want to be doing this. At first blush, it gives me something to do to keep distracted and occupied but eventually, the magnitude hits me that I'm helping design my best friend's headstone and I'm in the prime of my life. Well, before this I thought I was, now I'm not so sure. Mark's death shakes my foundations to the core - I felt youngish, thought I was youngish but he's dead and I saw it happen so how can I possibly believe that now?

I can feel this line of thinking leading to crawling the walls, pacing the patio so I am going to run quickly up to bed and read a book about a mother dealing with the confusing, challenging non-linear journey of grief. I read it and every 10 pages, a sentence jumps out at me and I repeat it to myself like a mantra and think "Yes" because it touches part of the wound inside of me.

Good night.

Rain Clouds

Today's weather finally matches how I feel. Instead of brilliant sunshine, blue skies, and fluffy white clouds, it's overcast, dreary, and much cooler than it has been in months. I just realized that I smell rain and looking outside, there are some big fat drops on the ground. I hear thunder rumbling in the distance which is really rare around here and it sounds perfect to me. It's really soothing to have the outside match my insides for a change.

For the first time in over a month, I woke up this morning to a nice dream rather than a nightmare. In it a good friend of mine, with whom I was to have coffee with this morning (someone killed someone during the night and since he's the Homicide Lt., he had to take care of it, damn murderers!), was hugging me, saying how much he cared about me and loved me. Then all these neighbors, friends, and random people came to my door with little presents to show how sorry they were for my loss. I woke up feeling cared for and warm. Then I remembered reality (damn reality!) so I promptly pulled the sheet over my head and just lay there reliving my dream for a few minutes longer because it just felt so nice.

Now the weekend yawns in front of us with me scrambling to find ways to make it feel like a weekend rather than another weekday, as they usually do when V. is gone. You would think I would be better at this by now since he's been gone practically all the time for 9 months and I was before Mark died, it's just been since that I've been floundering. I'm thinking of calling Jodi and seeing if she wants to meet at Mark's favorite restaurant for lunch on Sunday. Monday afternoon, we're having a late lunch/early dinner at Mark's parents' house so I don't know if that's going to be too much. Plus, a playdate on Monday morning - ugh. Thus, my reluctance to book Sunday.

The rain is really coming down now. I love it. I feel like the summer rain clouds overhead - they really shouldn't be there because it's summer but they are, they're full of water, and they need to let it out, summertime or not. I'm looking forward to after I. goes to bed, to sit outside, smell the rain, and just be, me and the rainclouds.

The Week

I guess I must have used up all my words on the trifecta posts of Sunday because I haven't had anything to blog about since then. Maybe that's not exactly accurate. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, it's just that I didn't have the words.

I had my therapist appointment on Monday, causing me to face emotions, anxieties, and sad thoughts I had stuffed down in order to make it through the days as a quasi-single parent of a 3.5 year old. Dealing with all this led to a harrowing, long night with me pacing around until 12:30 am until I finally was able to settle down and go to bed. So much anger, sadness, despair, and loss being faced all at one time.

I think that the worst emotion that is the root of all the other emotions is loss. Loss. LOSS. Loss of a friend with whom I knew and was known intimately, one that I had 11 years of important, life changing history during some really formulative years. That history now cannot be shared with anyone since I'm the only one left standing to talk about it. Loss because I'll never have the opportunity to have a friendship like that - those days are gone now and never will come again.

These days and nights are dichotomous - I'm exhausted but I can't sleep well, I'm starving but I can't eat. Basically I get through the days by sheer concentration on I. and get through the nights through sheer determination which at times feels like I'm scratching my nails on a chalkboard for hours. There are things that piss me off during the day that I don't realize until they come back to me at night to be processed. The latest, irrational (and probably self-centered) thing that has been pissing me off is when people seem to pass right over my grief but are sure to ask how Jodi is with this sympathetic, hushed tone. I feel like screaming, "Yes, I realize that I was ONLY his FRIEND and not his WIFE but she was his wife for 3 years and he was my closest friend for 11 years and I know things about him that even she doesn't know!" That makes it sound like it's a competition which it isn't and I understand that Mark and I weren't planning a life in the future together which is a HUGE thing but the fact remains that we had a special, one of a kind friendship that other people cannot even BEGIN to understand and I'll be DAMNED if my grief is discounted and passed over.

As you can see, I'm really not fit for human consumption right now thus an idea I had for a t-shirt. The front of it would read "My best friend is dead." and the back would say "Any questions? Good! Now GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Seriously, I'm really considering it because I know just having that shirt and wearing it even if it was around the house would make me feel better. And in these early days of grieving, even feeling a little better would be well worth it.

Looking Back...

I revisited my blogs from last July when I went to see Mark in Seattle when he was hospitalized. Very consistent in my thoughts and fears for what the future held. But comforting that I still feel the same way now that I felt then.

July 2008: "On Sunday, Mark’s wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.

In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced."

That says it all.

Today's Gym Epiphany

I do some of my best thinking at the gym. I don't plan it that way, it just seems to be that after I've done my strength training, listening to music and then move onto the cardio training, I've gotten out enough physical stress and energy that my mind floats along a little better. I'll be reading my book on the treadmill when all of a sudden, a random but telling thought will cross my mind and it untangles things just a bit.

Today I was in the dark, empty exercise gymnasium doing my ab workout portion when a song came on my Ipod. Anger came to the surface and I wasn't sure why. Then it hit me - when I was at the party with Mark's friends, I noticed how they all still had each other because it's a big but close knit group of friends. I, however, don't have a lot of close friends - I've always been that way. I like to invest a lot in a just a close one or two rather than be "friends" with a lot. That has really come to bite me in the ass now but that's just how I am made - I was like that when I was 2 and I'm still like that.

What pisses me off is that when Mark died, they still have all those friends while I feel like I lost my only true friend. How is it fair that I have one close, intimate friendship for the past 11 years, and I lose it?? His other friends lost maybe 10% of their friends when Mark died. I lost 100% of my friends. I know this is a bit of an exaggeration because I do have some other friends but not ones that I shared so much with, felt as comfortable and safe with, trusted and loved as much and ultimately had an 11 year investment in. It's no small wonder why Jodi and I feel the worst (I can't speak for his parents) after all this because both she and I lost 100% of something in our lives - her only husband and my only friend.

That just pisses me off on so many levels that I'm not sure what to do with it. Right now though, I have to set it aside because I have to get I. up from resttime. I'm sure tonight it'll return to me with a vengeance but at least I won't have to figure out the reason why.

Life is just so unfair sometimes.

Dreams & Reality

Bad dreams again this morning. It's not unusual for me to have bad dreams but usually they are in the middle of the night, two or three hours after I've fallen asleep. But since Mark began his descent and then final ascent, my nightmares come in the morning hours between 4 and 7 am., the sacred hours as I call them because it is during these hours I normally get good sleep. The rest of the night I wake up often, sometimes every time I turn over but those few hours before I'm called to duty is when I can finally, truly sleep.

But now these are the hours when all the day's, week's, and month's emotions get turned into multiple bad dreams. Dreams of titanic waves crashing over me; scary stormy days when it looks like the world is ending; watching I. drowning and not being able to reach her; I myself dying of cancer; angry screaming at people close to me and strangers; being chased by strangers trying to kill me and waking up to my own screams as the knife enters my body. And that is really the worst part of them - the waking up. Because even though it was only a dream, my body and soul don't know that - my heart is racing, there are tears on my face, and my throat is sore from screaming. And then I remember, Mark is dead and though my nightmares were not real, that horrible fact is. This is how I start my days.

Baby Steps

This week I finally made my first forays into social settings, mostly for I.'s sake. She hasn't been around kids her own age for almost a month now and I have felt bad about that. So Thursday we went to a pool playdate and Friday we went to someone's house for a small playdate with some of I.'s closest friends. I. warmed up very slowly on Thursday since these weren't kids that she knew very well but ended up playing with them and having a good time. Friday, she had a blast with all her good friends and it was nice to watch her having such a good time.

It's not that I had a bad time. It's just felt like I was watching from a million miles away, observing and all the while telling myself what I should be doing. I should be smiling more, talking more, being more friendly, asking more questions etc etc etc. To the point, that by 1pm on Friday, I literally hit the wall and felt like if I didn't leave right now, I was going to be too exhausted to drive us home. I kind of felt like a freak with how quickly it hit me and how quickly we left but honestly, I was that tired. Then we got home and got I. down for a rest and could I doze off, nope. I just laid there and hoped to somehow make it through the rest of the afternoon with an active child.

I think it was just too much, too long, too soon. I need to pace myself better and have a couple of social situations a week but not back to back if I can help it. It's just too exhausting and overwhelming to me right now. I am a big tangled mess of swirling emotions. How can I expect myself to begin, let alone carry, a conversation with anyone normal when I'm like this. To pretend adds another layer of anxiety that I really don't need right now and exhausts me. Baby steps, that's what I need.

Baby steps is what Jodi and I took this afternoon. Mark's friends were having a big August birthday bash and Jodi wanted to go but not by herself so she asked me if I would go with her. So we went for about an hour or so and then left which seemed about the right amount of time. It wasn't as stressful as being with "normal" people because they're all sad about Mark and noone expects us to act a certain way. It was a little uncomfortable for me because everyone was talking to Jodi but I was just kind of standing there because really, this is only the second time that I've met these people. So I just kept talking to Mark in my mind, telling him that I was doing this as part of the promise I made to him to help Jodi make this transition to life without him. By driving her to this party, being her wingman, allowing her to have a couple of shots of Jagermeister with his friends (she doesn't drink so this was a special occasion), I feel like I was helping her across that road to having Mark's friends now become her friends and finding comfort and support in that.

On a very positive note, things with V. and I have been going well and in fact, he sent me an email this afternoon before he got on the plane, telling me that he missed me and that he actually did reread my "intervention" letter today (I snuck it in his suitcase). When we talked this morning, he shared something really funny and I laughed and laughed about it. Still chuckling about it now in fact. Every night while I. is eating dinner, I have her tell me what she wants to tell Daddy about her day and I write it in an email. Then in the morning, there is an email to her from Daddy and she is just tickled! I think that is helping keep the connection with V. alive and well since she truly is her Daddy's girl. A few weeks more and he'll be back. I'm really looking forward to it.

I Miss My Friend

Finally got around to downloading pictures for the last month and there were some pictures of Mark and I from our last "normal" day together and it took me by surprise. This picture tears me up and I began hyperventilating as I was sobbing and still continue to sob. Partly because I miss his smile and him. But also because I look at both of our smiles and see the pure joy and beauty of our friendship despite the life situations. Anyone can look at our faces and see the joy that we have just being together.

Keep in mind that it was just a few hours after this picture was taken on Sunday afternoon, that Mark started the steep decline and finally died on Thursday at 10:52 am. While I am so thankful for getting to read him all our good memories, hug him tightly, and be there with him to the end, my grief is deep, painful, and far reaching. I am changed forever having seen and been through everything I've gone through the last month - it's not even the viewing or the funeral. I could contain that - it's the actual watching my best friend my age slowly die over 3 days that has changed me. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through and the things I saw and experienced during those 3 days haunt me. I saw and experienced the human pain of others - his wife Jodi, his sister, and his parents and that pain was more than I ever had felt and all this was in addition to my own pain.

Will write more later - too overwhelmed now.

I am so thankful that I have this picture though because it captures our friendship. Here is the photo from almost exactly a year ago when I flew up to Seattle for a weekend to be with Mark.

It's Beginning to Descend

This morning V. had to go in to work so it was just me and his parents for the morning. It was nice for 3 adults to be reading different sections of several papers and sharing interesting tidbits - I really have missed consistent, adult conversations.

That thought process led me to a sad downhill that tomorrow at 11am., I. and I will be dropping everyone off at the airport and will then be on our own again for a month. Days, I can do - I. and I have each other and we can have fun and create our own routine, but once she goes to bed, the long nights will be there for me. I've enjoyed having the adult company around as long as no one takes it personally when I need to pull the rip cord and disappear for a little while. I've especially enjoyed having this new and improved version of V., the one that I'm so scared is going to disappear once he leaves. I went to my therapist today and heard some of what went on at his appt. with her (since I'm officially still the patient) and it was pretty amazing and explained some of what I was seeing in him. I think I know what I can do to help us while he's gone and after our discussion tonight, I think we are better equipped for this separation. We'll see though, and that's the stress.

Regardless, tomorrow will be another day of loss for I. and I. It breaks my heart to see her face crumble as people she loves leave her again for a long time. How do I make it okay for her when it's not okay? I tell her that we have each other and that we will do fun things and love and snuggle each other but even I know it's not enough to cover the loss but what can I do? It's frustrating, heartbreaking, and adds to my sadness and anger that I can't make it better for her or I for that matter. I'm dealing with so much grief already but when I. sobs in my arms, not wanting anyone else to comfort her or see her crying (just like me), I almost lose it and just sob with her. She's so much like me - tough on the exterior but so soft in the interior if you can get in there. God help me in the present and in the future for I.'s sake.

First Good Day in Awhile

This may be too much information but it was a first so I must document it. Despite the fact that we had a full house to say the least last night with all beds and couches manned, things got a little frisky and in the middle of it (and this is the first that I was talking about), V. says to me, "I'm really going to miss you." I honestly feel like that's the nicest thing he's ever said to me, at least in my memory. I will be replaying that for the next month in my mind.

This afternoon, I got to spend a few hours with a friend of mine who used to be my therapist about 8 years back and that was helpful and enjoyable. We went and walked at the beach for an hour and a half and then had a mojito and an appetizer that she forced me to eat at a local restaurant. It was good to talk with someone who "got it" without me having to preface anything or worry about how I said something. I have to admit, I was pretty exhausted afterwards due to the subject matter but I was able to doze off for 15 minutes and it was enough to recharge my battery for the evening.

The BBQ went really well - our parents had a fantastic time and so did we. Even though they are from 2 separate coasts, they just have always gotten along so well - talking, laughing, just like they were old friends. V. and I went inside to clean up and make coffee and they were just cracking up and talking up a storm. I especially felt happy for V.'s parents since they don't seem to ever have time to have fun, relax, and socialize with people their age. Really a fun night for everyone.

I. had a hard time with her sisters leaving this morning and I'm trying to prepare myself for Tuesday when V. and his parents all go to the airport and it's just I. and I. It's really almost impossible not to feel abandoned in a way. We've had all these people here around us, surrounded by love and fun, and then BOOM! everyone is gone and it's back to just her and I. Usually V. is working when he comes home from Saudi so we still don't get to enjoy him all that much but this time, he's been home and it's going to be very hard on both I. and I.

The Apocalypse Must Be Coming...

...because this morning, not only was I allowed to sleep until 9:10am, I was woken up by V. with a cup of hot coffee for me. Understand that this has never, never happened even during our woo-ing time so I was amazed and touched and I have to admit, a little suspicious. Whoever this V. is, is the one I want to come back home to me! Tuesday is going to be especially tough since usually when V. comes home from Saudi, he is still working as opposed to the last 4 days, when he's been able to participate in family things and hang out. But I'll still enjoy the time we've spent (and will spend).

Tomorrow should be a good day. I've scheduled some time with a girlfriend of mine and then my parents will be over for an adult BBQ with V., me, and V.'s parents and it should be fun for all.

End of the Week

I made it through the first "normal" week in one piece. It was a week full of a lot of different things - started it off with 2 therapist appointments (one for me, one for V.), moved on to an evening away for a concert, and now the inlaws and stepdaughters are here. After a full day today, I'm upstairs hibernating with my laptop, Sex in the City reruns, magazines, and a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. You don't even want to know the lengths I had to go to in order to smuggle the bottle, a glass, and bottle opener up here.

The therapist appointments seem to go well since V. came home after his and I could immediately sense a more relaxed, open vibe from him. We had fun together during our time away though I had some defenses up but things are still getting better. He seems to be more concerned about my feelings and doing things to help get me the space I need. Really, the only stress that has to do with us is the fact that he's leaving on Tuesday (as are his parents) to be gone for a month or so. I just hope the wall doesn't go back up and we're back to square one. I told him that I was going to be on high alert this time around and that I was going to "call him" on it if I felt the wall being erected.

The visit has been going well. V.'s parents are low maintenance so that makes it easy. The only close call came tonight. I spent time making meatloaf and roasted broccoli and then when it came time to serve it, I realized that there was only going to be enough for 5 people so I didn't get any which was okay really because I had eaten a sandwich at lunchtime and wasn't hungry. It was more the embarrassment factor because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad but it worked out okay so was just a close call.

When the girls arrived tonight, they gave me hugs and then with huge smiles on their faces said they were sorry for me losing my friend. I said thank you, shrugged ('cause what else is there really to say), and went upstairs to take a shower. I was kind of pissed off because I knew V. had said something to them to make them say that to me. Or maybe I was irritated that they said it with these huge smiles on their faces like they were ready to crack up. I let it go though and figure that they were just nervous and uncomfortable and that's why they were smiling. I think the bottom line is this: too little, too late.

It's still hard to get into the flow of normal life. I can go through the motions of all of it, but my heart is just not into it. It all just feels empty and at times, pointless. I guess that's just how it's going to be for awhile.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here's the good to start things off. Mark's party went really well yesterday with all his good friends showing up as well as his parents. One friend made this really amazing banner that brought Jodi almost to tears and put big smiles on his parents' faces.

There were a lot of good stories, beer, great food, a hidden flask of whiskey (Maker's Mark of course). I did have a good time and stayed from 10:30ish til 6:30.

The bad is that now that all the events are over, I'm not sure what to do. I'm attempting to move on with normal things - cleaning, laundry, the gym, taking care of I. etc. but there is an underlying sadness and depression that no one seems to understand. It seems like unless I am sobbing (which I don't do in front of people), people around me just think I'm doing fine and am expected to act normally in all situations. It reminds me of when I was sick before but always made sure I looked good, that people just assumed I was fine. I let them assume that until it was almost too late. I'm not sure what to do about this but as of August 11th, I will be on my own again with I. for awhile so I won't have to deal with it as much. For now, I'm just exhausted by the evening and then have a ton of dreams for 3/4 of the night.

The ugly is that the train seems to be off the tracks (at least in my view) with V. He came home Wednesday night after I was already in bed and even though he knew I was still awake, he didn't hug or kiss me. We made it through the next day civilly but by that night, I basically had an intervention, reading to him a one page letter of how his lack of care has made me feel the last few weeks and how things need to change. He agreed to go see my therapist on Monday afternoon and acknowledged that every time he goes over to Saudi Arabia, he builds a wall up to survive and it doesn't come down even after he comes home. I felt like we made some headway but then Friday night came and all hell broke loose. He went to work up in LA so he could get the girls finally, the first time all summer. But then he arrived around 8pm. without the girls. I had thought that since they were coming down, we could take 1 car and then when I was ready to leave Mark's party, I'd call V. and have him pick me up. I asked where the girls were and he said they chose to stay home. I asked if it was because of Mark's party and he said "partly". That just pissed me off on so many levels that I won't go into and I made the comment that "I was so sorry I was such a pariah to the Valdez side of my life". Later I said I had better get some taxi numbers so that I could have a ride home from the party and V. made some comment "well, if you're going to drink ALL afternoon etc. etc. etc." and I went fucking ballistic which I rarely do.

I think what set me off is the perceived slur that I had no right to drink all afternoon if I wanted to, if I deserved to. It got ugly after that and while I'm not proud, I think what I said deserved to be said. My life has changed forever as a result of what I've experienced and have gone through and no time soon will I return to normal. If V. wants to act like life is status quo and keep his wall up, there will be a price to pay. Unfortunately, I feel like since I don't have the wall up, it is I that is paying the price, once for Mark and then again for V.

I just keep thinking, "like I needed this shit". That seems to be my mantra now. I thought our marriage was a team that couldn't be broken after all we've been through but now my foundation is shaken and I don't know what to think. At this time, it's extremely disconcerting and just adds to my sadness.