Mark and I

I saw this quote by Henri Nouwen and started sobbing because this quote captures the essence of our friendship. Our relationship was a difficult one to explain because it was an unusual one - a single man and woman who care for each other deeply, know each other's most intimate thoughts, have shared each other's most painful and private moments, enjoy each other's company and humor immensely but realize that they are not right for one another as man and wife. It's just odd but that was us and it was awesome.

But this quote perfectly explains our frienship and while it's comforting to have found something concrete that explains Mark and I, it rips me open because I've lost something so beautiful. I know I'll come to the other side of just being thankful that I got to EVER experience this kind of friendship. Reading this quote makes me realize that he and I were such good friends to one another - we were both truly lucky.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

The Planets Are Lining Up Against Me...

...but I'm going to fight tooth and nail. As luck has it, V. finally comes home and the day we are to fly to Vegas for a long weekend together, I'm supposed to start my period. So I called the OBGYN yesterday and he recommended starting birth control pills to see if it will delay it. Ironic, eh? We've been trying to conceive for the past year but V.'s schedule always seems to have him leaving the week before the "optimal" time. But I checked with him and it appears that he'll be gone before the "optimal" time this coming month anyways so I started the birth control pills and hopefully won't be bloated, bleeding, and bitchy on our long awaited Vegas trip!

As though that weren't enough, I woke up this morning to a sore throat, clogged ears, stuffy nose, and some sneezing. It appears that I am fighting some sort of virus off too. Come on - really?! I went to the grocery store and got some Airborne to either stave it off or help me recover in record time because I DON'T want to be bleeding and sick while we're in Vegas.

I swear to God if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have ANY luck at all. I hate to be a pessimist, but that's been the case for about 20+ years. Maybe the next 20 years will be better...

Why Is It...?

...that at the end of some of the best days I have, I feel the most pain and loneliness about Mark? That seems opposite to me. The good times should make me happy and sustain me. But I've noticed that when I'm feeling my best and thankful throughout the day, those are the nights that I feel the worst and the saddest (at least when V. is not here).

It strikes me as odd but I guess I should be thankful since before I was sad and weepy during the day and then haunted at night. So happy during the day and sad at night should be an improvement, right? Yeah, I guess so, I'm just not used to this new, sad normal. While Mark was alive, I knew he was going to die but until that reality is smashed against your face, you're always in some state of denial though you don't realize it until afterwards; a few seconds afterwards, a few hours, days, months - it still doesn't seem real to be honest. But my mind remembers it picture perfect and it is more than real, horrifically so. Past bad dreams have nothing on what current bad dreams are. There are better days waiting for me ahead, I just know it. There just has to be...

I've Got A Great Girl

I've decided with the way my life has been playing out that I'm all about creating life experiences and memories for I. A couple of things have shaped this new philosophy:

Who knows how long we have with our loved ones? If you wait for the "right time" it may never come or pass you by. What happens if something happens that makes it impossible for me to experience/make a memory with I.?

I want to make memories as a family. I've been waiting for when we can do things as a family and all these years later after Mark has died, I see that those times may never come and it may be too late. The only time is now, present day.

So with all that in mind, I decided I was taking I. roller skating today to make it feel like a Sunday. When V. is gone, it is a major struggle to make weekends feel like weekends rather than just another weekday. I. has shown interest in ice skating so I figured roller skating would be a good transition to ice skating.

Boy was I wrong! Roller skating at 3 years old is really difficult! I. looked like a spaz out there, falling down constantly, and flailing in between the falls. But you know what? We had a great time because each time she fell down and looked up at me, I was smiling and laughing and so was she. It was so hot we were drenched after the first, very long lap but we made it still standing. There were 2 times where we were both so sweaty that she slipped out of my grip and took the full impact of her fall and started crying but she recovered relatively quickly. One time, I scooped her up in my arms and whisked her around the rink to give her the experience of speed. However, she didn't really enjoy it because she wanted her independence of doing it on her own.

Afterwards, I talked to her about how proud I was of her because no matter how many times she fell, she got up, smiling, and tried again. I heard other mothers holding I. up as the example of not giving up to their older children and even had a much older girl tell me how impressed she was by I. getting up every time and keep trying.

I was so impressed by I.. She is me cubed, at the very least. To get up from falling a hundred times is one thing, to get up smiling is a whole 'nother animal. I. is amazing and I'm so proud of her. I knew how exhausting it was to me today, figured how exhausting it was to her, but didn't count on her passing out within 10 minutes. She is a great girl and I'm so lucky to have her!

I.'s Compassion

After last night ended on a bummer note (see Venting post below), I decided, as I trudged along on the treadmill, that I had better really start concentrating on the positive aspects of my life since the negative ones aren't appearing to let up in the near future. I had my little kumbaya moment as I went through all the great things I'm lucky to have and felt a little better.

On the way home from the gym, my phone signalled a text message and what a surprise, it was from a guy friend that I was looking forward to having lunch with in an hour after taking Isabella to school. Cancelling again one hour before. Okay, he had to go to a work event but this stupid thing just hit his calendar an hour earlier? That seems pretty lame. Plus, he had to cancel last Wednesday due to too many meetings and then cancelled Thursday because of another last minute work event. Even when I was in the workforce, if I made plans with someone, I did everything to make sure I made it. It's called being DEPENDABLE.

But wait, here's the good part and today I'm not being sarcastic, I'm serious. I. asks, "What's wrong Mommy?" and I tell her that my friend says he can't have lunch with me and this is the 3rd time he's done this so it kind of hurts my feelings. I. sits there quietly as I park the car in the garage and then as she holds the door to the house open for me to go through she says, "What can I do for you to make you happy Mommy?" She's 3 years old and still figures the world pretty much is all about her so you could have knocked me over with a feather. In fact, just to make sure I heard her right, I asked her to repeat what she said and she said the same thing.

I told her that if she would just give me a big hug and kiss that I would be happy and so she did. And you know what? I was incredibly happy because under her feisty exterior, I. is very sensitive, caring, and compassionate. I saw it with Mark but haven't really experienced it myself (familiarity breeds contempt you know) and it was so great being on the receiving end. Of course, I did have to reach back and pat myself on the back because I have been trying to cultivate that quality in her since Mark got sick and I guess I was successful. Something so beautiful has risen from the depths of something so tragic and sad and that's pretty amazing.

Venting...

So let me get this right...you're pretty sure you'll make it home for Vegas but you can't commit to making it home for your daughter's 4 year old birthday?! Really? After missing Christmas last year and I'm predicting probably this coming Christmas too? Why don't you realize that she is old enough to remember this crap and that it's always been just her mommy here to raise her?????!!!!! So tired of us always being in last place, at least it translates that way.

You'll be sorry and YES I'M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT FOR HER BEING SO EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, HAPPY, INDEPENDENT, AND WELL ADJUSTED. I've been here 24/7 and you've been effectively gone SINCE SHE WAS 4 MONTHS OLD. I'm tired of not being able to plan any fun things - Seinfeld concert in December (oh sorry, I probably won't be there), Lion King around her birthday (oh sorry, I probably won't be there for that either).

YOU'RE NOT JUST A F*ING PAYCHECK TO ME! WHERE IS OUR LIFE TOGETHER?!

This just makes me miss Mark all the more.

A New Diet

Woo hoo! I've discovered a really great new diet that is guaranteed to melt 10 pounds off of you in 2 short months! Aren't you interested?! No grapefruits, laxatives, or purgings are involved - see, that sounds good already, doesn't it? Nope, all you've got to do is watch someone your own age who happens to be your best friend for over a decade, die right in front you -

S

L

O

W

L

Y


Yeah, that's all it takes. 'Cause today when I got on the scale 2 months to the day that Mark died, I was 10 pounds lighter. I stepped off the scale, said a silent "thank you" to Mark, and went on with my gym workout. Honestly, what else could I do?

So, do I have any takers? Anyone desperate enough to lose 10 pounds in 2 months? Yes, this is a really sarcastic, cynical post. It barely hides the anger that surges up today as I rage against something unseen but so unfair. I miss my friend so very much. The pain may soften but the missing-him feelings intensify as time marches on.

Yes, I Am Aware

Yes, I am aware that tomorrow is exactly 2 months to the day that Mark died. More importantly, I'm remembering coming home 2 months ago at 11:30pm, exhausted and wondering if Mark would still be alive when I woke up. I went to sleep after 1am (I'm a person who needs 8-9 hours of sleep), put the phone next to me in the bed just in case, and was happy when I woke up in the morning knowing that Mark had made it through the night. Now I know the horrible reality of what tomorrow morning 2 months ago would bring but it still doesn't penetrate reality right now.

I'm sure that it will tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Helpful Words from Unexpected Sources

I've been in recent communication with the past teacher of the Mommy and Me class that I. and I were involved in for the past 2 years. She is a therapist by trade and used to work with hospice and was aware of Mark. We just recently had some email contact and in our exchanges, she wrote some things that helped me unexpectedly.

"Grief is hard work. You gave Mark such a gift to be the kind of friend willing to walk that painful road with him. I've seen many people who did not have friends as... brave, selfless, loving. He was lucky to have you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better. His greatest legacy will be in giving something positive to your life and the lives of others he loved --- not in destroying those lives because of grief. It honors him to find joy again."

When I read it, I felt proud and relieved that I was this kind of friend to Mark because truly that is the kind of friendship we had throughout life, so why not at the end of it as well? Of course, this leads me to think of who will be there to walk me to the end of the road and that scares me since I don't make friends all that easily.

It also made me feel more okay with the fact that I am feeling more like myself and less raw. Yes, the pain is softening. Can I eat 3 full meals a day? No, but that's where I'm at right now. I'm functioning, not miserable and sobbing, and starting to be able to think about the times Mark and I had together during our years together. Yes, that last week, the last long hug, the last time we spoke to each other, the last time we smiled broadly at each other - it all still haunts me. Mostly because all those "lasts" took place late Sunday afternoon and he was dead by Thursday morning. It's just so surreal how fast it happened but even more surreal because it feels/felt like those were the longest 4 days of my life. It's like a bad dream really.

Then I think back to what I.'s teacher said about giving Mark the gift of being a friend that walks that painful road with him and that makes me feel warm inside; not quite happy, just warm. Because I know I did the right thing and that means a lot to me when it comes to Mark. It may have cost me alot personally, but the fact that he knew I was there before he slipped into unconsciousness and was responding to what I was whispering to him towards the end, makes the pain very worthwhile.

Grief is hard work! I have noticed that the nights I have dreams about Mark, I am more exhausted the next day even if I have gone to bed at a decent time and have gotten a little extra sleep. I'll just have to continue my journey and see where it leads me.

Tugging on the Scab

The news of Patrick Swayze dying of pancreatic cancer tugged at my Mark scab. It ripped it off but not all the way off. He made it 4 months longer than Mark, that's what I've been thinking the last two days. The last week I've been remembering a lot of memories about Mark without crying - my last 5 days with him, other memories of when we worked side by side together, and sometimes back to back. It still hurts though but not to the point of sobbing, tearing up yes, but not uncontrollable sobbing. I have to admit, it wouldn't take much to cross that line.

V. is gone again, a lunch with one guy friend delayed from today has been cancelled for tomorrow due to work constraints, and a phone call from another guy friend did not occur today as promised. I feel let down. But V. called me tonight and we had a decent conversation, not deep but at least there was some substance. It's just so hard being 11 hours apart.

I'm feeling the loss of Mark. I could count on him. He had a conscience and a loyalty that transcended anything. If he said he was going to call me, he would. And if I needed to talk to him, he would be there. I so miss that right now and it hurts.

Tomorrow is another day to go off the grid while I. is in preschool and now that lunch plans have been cancelled, I'll have to figure out something pleasant for myself since today was very productive (grocery shopping and laundry). Lunch or maybe reading out by the pool - we'll see what I feel like.

Lessons Learned

Here are the lessons I've learned from the first semi-week of I.'s school:

1. I still enjoy my alone time.
Did I miss I. terribly? Yes. But did I REALLY enjoy the alone time I had? Absolutely! Whether it was relaxing, talking on the phone, reading, doing grocery shopping or things around the house, I had the freedom to do what I wanted to/needed to in whatever order I wished without a questionner in the backseat. I am already planning social and personal things weeks in advance. It's been almost 4 years since I have been able to do this!

2. This time apart reenergizes me and makes me appreciate I.'s and my time together.
I guess this is one of those situations where "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" kind of things. But today after 2 days of school, I was looking forward to enjoying time with I., just the 2 of us. If it was up to I., she would be going to school every day, that's how much she loves it, which is good news and bad news for me, the momma. But today, we had a leisurely morning, did some work around the house, went to our pool, and then to a playdate for I. that also included a much needed massage for me. I really enjoyed the time we played and spent together and I. did too so maybe school is helping with taking each other for granted.

3. Pre-school is exactly what I. needs right now.
She is ready and excited and that is how I want her to approach school. I want so much for her to be confident, strong and able to handle all the cruelties that school brings. I know, I shouldn't be so negative but I know how little girls are already at this age. I talked with her the night before school that somebody may be mean to her (something she has never experienced thus far in her 3.5 years) and how she just needs to walk away and find the children that are kind to her. It breaks my heart to have to say this to her but better she is prepared that it may happen than not be prepared and be totally shocked at school.

I.'s First Day of Preschool

So, surprise, surprise, I made it through today without any tears. I. was so jazzed about school this morning that I couldn't help but get caught up in it. Here's I. waiting for us to take her to school:





When we went to leave, she gave me a hug and a big smile and pushed V. out of the room so I guess I did my job well.



I picked her up in a blink of the eye and she loved school as I knew she would. She had so much to talk about, all the new experiences, and when we read about all the fun things happening in the upcoming weeks, she was so excited that she gave me a hug. The most amazing thing to me, the person who has had to suffer through the painful potty training process of the last 3 months, I. STAYED DRY THE WHOLE AFTERNOON! I was hoping that would be the case but didn't think it would actually occur. I keep my fingers crossed that this wasn't just a first day fluke!

My Note Tonight To I.

About 2 years ago, I started writing in a notebook random thoughts and more momentous events to I. Tonight, on the eve of her first day of preschool after not writing since Mother's Day, this is what I wrote:

"I haven't written you in awhile baby girl because I've had a really bad summer. Daddy was gone in Saudi Arabia and Mommy's best friend Mark died. You were with me for the last visit when he was able to walk around. Each time we visited Mark this year, I was so proud of your acceptance of him, despite the tubes and his emaciated appearance or whether we were visiting him at the hospital or at home. You always showed compassion to him - bringing his slippers and putting them on his feet, sharing your grapes happily with him, and always willing to give him a big hug goodbye when it was time to leave. My heart swells at what an awesome, little human being you already are.

Tonight is the night before your first day of preschool and while I'm so very excited for you, I'm really sad that tomorrow will begin all the realities that will separate us from each other. I know it will be so good for you and that I've done a great job preparing you. I could see that when we went and met your teacher and also during the orientation. You were so jazzed and stood up straight when you answered her questions, instead of hiding silently - it is your turn to shine. Your bucket you made is gorgeous and you will be so proud to take it to school with you tomorrow.

While I will only show my joy for you tomorrow, as you read this know that I will be crying as soon as you enter that classroom, just as I am crying now, because I will miss you. You may drive me crazy at times, but more often than not, you make the moments of my day better - happier, funnier, sillier, and more loving. Without you there, it will be more quiet and relaxing but just not nearly as much fun. I look forward to all the days taht you're not in school because we will have such fun together. I love you Isabella and you will always be my baby girl.

Love,
Momma"

Finally, A Really Great Day!

Yesterday was a truly great day in our household. Did something major occur? No, but a bunch of the little things that I enjoy and have missed did and that was SO much better than any big thing. Disneyland wouldn't have even come close.
We started Labor Day with a leisurely morning and then went to the cooler coastline for I.'s first miniature golfing experience. She was stoked and we all had a great time. It was just so neat to see her enjoy a "big girl" experience and teach her something new.





After we golfed, I. surpisingly said she was hungry. Imagine that, I. hungry! So we went to Fidel's, one of our favorite restaurant just around the corner, where I. had a full lunch and V. and I had an appetizer and margaritas. Talked turned to Las Vegas, past and future memories and it was alot of fun. Then home for resttime and then onto our Labor Day BBQ. Since I. goes to bed so early, it's rare for us to have dinner all together (except for regular Saturday "linner") and getting to eat outside makes it a real treat for I. On top of that, I. had strawberry ice cream for dessert so it was a great time for all of us.





After I. went to bed, V. and I enjoyed a movie and then a little something-something afterwards. I swear, it felt like we fit several days worth of good stuff into one day without feeling rushed - it just flowed and it was really nice.

Here's the analogy that has run through my mind all day and seems to capture how I felt yesterday. Imagine you broke your ribs, an injury for which nothing can help except time and rest. An injury that causes excruciating, sharp, constant pain that causes you not to be able to take in a deep breath of life-sustaining air. Then after a long period of time, one day you are able to take in a full breath of air without the stabbing pain in your side. That was today for me and even if tomorrow or future days have rough moments, I'll thank God that I've felt this relief for one day because it holds the promise of the days to come.

One Up, One Down

The situation with my mom's group appears to be on its way to being resolved as someone stepped up and into the role as organizer with all of our help and support. So that's good.

Unfortuntely, I injured myself at the gym yesterday morning and after 24 hours of significant pain, I went to Urgent Care this morning and was told that I most likely had ripped a tendon connected to my right shoulder (my writing hand), put in a sling, with major doses of ibuprofen and muscle relaxers for tonight. Last night's sleep was not good - every time I moved the pain shocked me awake.

So poor V. walks into this nightmare last night but seems to be handling it okay. He comes home to having to help his wife undress for the shower, then dress after the shower. I keep teasing him this is a preview of things to come though actually, it's just a payback of sorts from when V. ruptured his Achilles' tendon and I was his Florence Nightingdale. I usually complain about the timing of things in my life, but I am thankful because I don't know how I would put bras and shirts on at this point. So for once, I think I actually had timing work out for me. That's the bright side of the painful, lousy situation.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me

I went onto my Momma's message board and guess what? There were posts from all 3 of the organizers saying they were leaving the group, thus rendering it defunct as of February, when the dues ran out. Are you fucking kidding me?

Last night, I just finished synching our calendar for the next 2 months with all the events with this Momma's group just in time to find out that they are all gone and the rug has now been effectively pulled out from underneath us. Just add this to all my other losses.

Here's what I posted:

"I don't know about the rest of you Mommas but I have to admit, I'm a LITTLE pissed off with the recent, abrupt defections. While I still care about and appreciate all 3 Mommas, I'm not ready to ditch the events and friendships of this group. I don't know about you, but between losing my best friend, having my hubby gone most of the time, and now Isabella going to preschool, I cannot handle any more losses right now. So let's grab the fuckin' rug and put it under ourselves once again. Let's start brainstorming, stepping up to bat, and figuring out how to make this work. Yeah, we all have different preschool schedules but that doesn't stop our posting communications, MNOs, and various weekly get togethers. Just because we can no longer get together 3 times a week due to preschool schedules does not mean that we can no longer have a working group.If necessary, I will find out how to get access to posting events on Meetup from one of our past Organizers and then maybe we'll just do this as a coop, everyone chipping in to continue the friendships with our kids' friends and our friends. It's seemed to kinda evolve into that the last few months anyway.With that being said, who's in with me?"

I'll be interested to see what tomorrow brings. Again timing is impeccable; just more loss.

Bittersweet

This week I. and I spent some really good time together and went to a couple of preschool functions too. First, we went and met her teacher and had some one on one time with her. Even though I am/was so excited for I., I have to admit that watching her play on her preschool playground made me tear up. I know she is going to have the BEST time, that this is her time to start shining, and I'm proud that much of this is because I prepared her well. Yes, me - the parent who has been with her 24/7, feeding her body, soul, and mind. Not to discount what V. contributes but let's be honest, he's been gone for most of her life due to shitty job assignments that started back when she was 3 months old.

Regardless of the pride I felt, I still feel a major catch in my throat. I sat in today's orientation, half of it separated from our children, and as I listened to the director talk, I teared up but vowed not to break down crying but it was really hard. This is my child, my only child, waving goodbye to me as she passes to her next world and I have to be honest, it feels like Mark leaving me to pass onto another world, and V. leaving me as he goes back into his work world. I just feel continually left behind. It's just another bad timing issue that all these things have to come to pass at the same time and I'll just have to deal with it. I foresee a lot of solitary crying sessions, vodka tonics, and basically, just hanging in there.

On a happier note, we got I.'s bucket to transport all her school papers etc. back and forth and even though I am a noncreative person, we did a bang-up job on her bucket. We are both so excited about this thing. Here's some pics of it:

I've always had a problem with timing in my life and right now is no exception. V. just got back tonight and here I am bleeding like a stucked pig and this morning I injured myself at the gym to the point, where V. had to help me undress before my shower and dress after my shower and I may need to go tomorrow and have my arm put in a sling in order for it to heal more quickly. This is what V. returns home to after a month away. How pathetic! Plus, I. is sick with a cold. On top of this, I counted out the days and I'll most likely be starting my period the day we leave for Vegas for a 3 night getaway next month. I may have to intervene for that trip because this month I was really sick with cramps, nausea, and a migraine for the first day so if I can figure out how to use leftover birth control pills to delay or skip next month's period, I just might do that.

Oh the joys of being a woman!