It's Been Awhile

Many reasons for not posting for so long - error issues when I would try to post on the computer, life's business, and a lot of just trying to keep my head above water.

For now I just want to make sure I capture the memory of walking into D.'s room at my bedtime to check on him. If he went to sleep quickly to put 2 books by his bed and 2 cars in his bed for morning playtime. and him waking up and greeting me with a high pitched, happy greeting of "hi" in the middle of his night, still happy to see me.  After putting his cars in bed, I stroke his curls and tell him good night and that I love him.

And as I walk out he whispers, "I love you too."

💖💕💖💕💖

3rd Birthday Eve

I've been reading my doula's account of D.'s birth story and it takes me right back to those moments.  I remember exactly how I felt, what I was thinking and what was being said to me.  I remember the "oh shit" moment when the doctor came in to give the "we might have to do a C-section" speech to me and how I ignored her and just concentrated on what was happening and 10 minutes later was at the point of pushing which negated her C-section issue. 

I read on and am amazed that I pushed for 2 1/2 hours.  I would think I would have given up by that point.  But I was determined to have you come out naturally, that had been my goal for 9 months and because of that I was focused.  I lined up the doula to increase my chances and V. was right there helping this time around.  Last time was disappointing but this time around he was a champ, encouraging me, pressing my lower back as hard as he could with every contraction to help with my pain, and fanning me in between contractions because I was so DAMN hot.

Such great memories and I revisited the high points with D. while I was rocking him at bedtime.  He totally got it because he loved hearing about what we all thought of him when we first met him and afterwards he snuggled up tightly to my chest and when I put him in the crib, he spontaneously gave me big hugs and insisted on giving me kisses instead of the other way around.  I also talked with I. about when she first met her brother and held him and it brought back nice, loving and maternal feelings to her.

A good way to end today.

Better Settled

Where has the month gone?  The last few weeks have been so jam packed with this and that that they literally flew by.  I. finished her school year off fantastically and impressed all (and her momma to tears) with her perseverance and refusal to give up.  It was nice to see the positive side of that character trait instead of experiencing the challenging side of it raising her. 

V. and I snuck in a daytime movie before the follow up mammogram/ultrasound and thankfully, not only did the impromptu daytime date turn out nicely so did the testing.  All clear!

My back is doing great after my three shock wave therapy treatments and I'm so happy about that.  I had about two weeks of respite from any migraines and finger bumps but they have returned this past week.  Almost every day I get a migraine though a minor one compared to the old days but still enough to sometimes need to take medication for it.  It's accompanied by swollen glands, a drippy nose and just feeling run down.  Frustrating and trying to figure out the next step to stop it.

D. is amazing just like his sister.  He's memorized an entire book...Little Blue Truck Leads the Way.  It's not a short book and has a lot of verses but he can say them just by looking at the pictures.  His vocabulary and pronunciation is great for his age (especially a boy from what I see) and I think it's because of his learning style.  Every time he asks something and I answer or even if I just answer, he's always recited back exactly what I've said word for word, slowly like he's really digesting it.  Obviously he has been digesting it because he's not even three yet and today he said, "I saw the engine of a car because it was open.  I've never seen the engine of a car before."  I can tell that he's not only going to be a smart kid, he's going to be a feeling kid and wear his feelings on his sleeve.  The good thing is that he allows me to comfort him with snuggling, talking, and singing and that helps him get through it and back to his happy self.  This is still a struggle with I. and it's hard for me not to take it personally or harden my heart when I go to her to hug her and she pushes me away and says no.

More stuff to post about but need to head to bed now.

Not Settled Yet

I was hoping that this post would be more settled down and calmer than my last one.  I guess in some ways it is but in other ways, definitely not.  What is interesting is that the same topic that has settled down is a similar topic to what has become unsettled.  What a riddle.

After months of agonizing back pain and three decades of nagging chronic back pain, I am thankfully pain free thanks to a treatment called shock wave therapy.  Sounds scary but it's not.  I've always done chiropractic care for maintenance but after this last horrendous back injury, I was still in lingering burning pain after my adjustments plus many PT appointments.  I was really concerned about summer time activities with the kiddos that involved any kind of walking since that seemed to be a huge problem for my back.   Well, three treatments of this new treatment which took about three minutes a pop and not only have I been able to hoof it around with D. in a stroller at both LEGOLAND and Wild Animal Park, my everyday back pain is gone.  No tightness, no twinges, no aches, no pain!  That is such a huge thing in my daily life.

My mystery skin rash and migraines have settled down quite a bit though not completely.  The skin part of it is under control and not flaring up terribly but it's still there.  I can live with that.  The migraine part is puzzling but seems to be down to one a week.  I guess I can live with that as well.

A few weeks ago I had to get my annual checkup and a mammogram done.  The last thing I said to my mom who was babysitting D. was, "I really wish I didn't have to get this mammogram done since this year has not been a good health news year."  So why was I surprised when I got a call saying I needed to go to the hospital for a second mammogram and ultrasound?  Worse was that when I reexamined the area, I do feel something in there and so did V.  Logistically, things worked out pretty well in that D. was already going to my parents house for a day/night so that V. and I could attend an important school event for I. and that day is when the first opening was for my appointments.  So I didn't have to tell my parents which I didn't want to do because they have so much depressing things going on to worry about.  I want them to enjoy D. and their time with him which is special because usually I. is there and as the oldest and a female, she commands a lot of attention! 

So I'm tense to say the least.  Trying not to "go there" which is hard when I look at my kids and think how young they are and what if?  It's also hard to be nonchalant when I was telling I. tonight about how V. would pick her up from school and take her to eat before coming to pick up Mommy at the hospital.  She's a very smart kid and very perceptive so I really had to feel what I was saying and not even try to fake it.  There's no sense in giving her something to worry about when she tends to be a worrier anyways.  I will be praying hard that everything is okay and that I. will do fantastic in her school event tomorrow morning.  Here's to praying for a great day tomorrow!

Swirling

So much swirling about.  A fire that threatened security and resulted in a packed car just in case for the next few days.  A visit to Phoenix that may have helped the kids but made V.'s long term work a reality.  A trade off between agonizing back pain to lingering intermittent back pain accompanied by a possible auto immune blood disease that may raise its ugly head again just after getting over it a mere month ago.  A long text conversation with an old friend that gave hope for reconnection yet followed by silence.  Trying to help I. deal with the big emotional swings of V. being gone during the week and coming home on weekends.  Translation:  Monday thru Friday is fine but weekends she turns into a unsatisfied, unhappy person who wants nothing but Daddy leading to many miserable moments throughout the weekend.  Couple all this with V.'s reticence during weekends or at the few family events with my parents and my frustration multiplies.  It's been a lot to handle...A LOT TO HANDLE.

But surrounding these moments are me laughing at the fact that I. started a club at school with who she feels is the mean girl of the class and that club is the "Talk about how you're feeling" group.  Being that she doesn't talk about her feelings, I found this remarkable.  And with D. singing "I'm so happy" while in the crib and in the car at the top of his lungs...how can you not smile and love that.  Don't get me wrong, he's 2 and the defiance and grumpiness can really rear its ugly head and make me feel like I'm living in the land of "NO".  But if it's just he and I, we're safely in the land of "I'm so happy", we sing it at the top of our lungs, give kisses, and show each other our open mouth's of food.  Shhh....don't tell anyone.

Sanctify the Ordinary

Read a quote of Jack Canfield's last week and it still resonates with me.

"Sanctify the ordinary."

If I had to list what I do during a weekday, at first glance someone may think, "Wow, it's kind of the same every day.  How mundane!"  And if I was just looking at my day from the viewpoint of what I got "done", I'd have to agree. 

But within all the ordinary of my day (and there is a lot of it) are the truly joyful moments that will be memories I cherish.  Listening to Dominic singing "Hey Soul Sister" in the backseat, watching his little face light up when I look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, sitting next to Isabella at night reading aloud some of my favorite childhood books, and the three of us happily pulling weeds in our very own veggie garden in the late afternoon.  These are the beautiful moments that sanctify my ordinary.

Hard Times

I want to capture these memories of D.  He got his first band aid on his forehead thanks to splitting his forehead on the corner of a stool.  He calls this a "ba-boo".  Next, he likes to announce daily routines such as, "After sleepie-sleepie, I eat the fruita downstairs."  He requires that you repeat back what he says to ensure you understand.  He's all about music.  He loves his music class and picks up lyrics and notes of favorite songs on the radio.  He sings along and recognizes tunes without lyrics.  He may be the next American Idol for all I know.  This boy knows his cars (bat-bats).  While we are driving, he can point out cars which are the same model as my car, Daddy's car and Bubbi and Bobbi's car even if they are a different color.  Pretty observant and impressive.

My back was injured back on February 6th.  That's why I haven't posted.  Suffered greatly for a month until I insisted on an MRI which came back with two herniated discs, one of which is pushing on a few nerve roots.  Yes and that's exactly what it feels like.  Extreme pain...nose running, eye watering pain and this from someone who made it through 30 hours of labor med-free with 3 hours of pushing.  At least there was a reward at the end and I knew it would end sometime.  This pain has been over a month, 24/7, making my D. feel upset because I couldn't hold him like I normally do.  That's when I got mad and started demanding that something start happening to fix this.  Enough is enough.  I won my primary care doctor over and she and I have been working together to try to move things along for pain relief and ultimate healing.  It's going to be an uphill battle with the insurance climate these days but I'm cautiously hopeful.

On a very sad note, a long time friend of mine's wife died this week from pancreatic cancer.  We used to be so close but for the last couple of years it's truly been hit or miss.  I understood that he had a lot going on  but when someone says they'll call me right back when I call on their birthday and they don't call for 5 months, something's up.  To put things in perspective, this guy was my best friend back in the day and even after I. was born, we would meet every so often for coffee to catch up.  However, his wife was diagnosed with cancer right at the same time D. was born - the last time we saw each other was 2 months before he was born.  When I would talk to him, he'd say we have to get together for coffee/lunch but it never happened.  D. will be 3 this year and neither of my 2 remaining guy friends has ever met him.  Kind of hurts.  But I got off on my own tangent while the point was that my friend lost his wife tragically.  Their youngest boy is graduating from high school in June.  It just makes me so sad for their sons and for my friend.  I'll send them a card and say a prayer for them.

Mixed Bag This Week

The last two days of been full of conflicting emotions - joy, worry, contentedness, anxiety.  Thank goodness for the good stuff because the other stuff has been a real bummer.

On the good side of things, I. has been in a more positive mood this week and we continue on with our attitude of gratitude which has been really good and I think has softened her heart towards me and is developing a better relationship between us.  That makes me happy and it also helps greatly when I do need to discipline her.  Most of the time my approach is more gentle and she accepts it better.  Today I purposely built in time to play with D. and it was great.  We played cars for awhile and then played with his kitchen table set which he loves.  I enjoyed showing him how he could put his favorite animals at the table and pretend to make food for them and serve them.  It was neat to see him "get it" and really enjoy this new imaginative play.  What is amazing is how he will play by himself happily for long periods of time.  I had heard about kids like this but never had experienced it.  I can be doing something and he'll be happily playing in the same room or the next room.  Even tonight when I went upstairs to put I. in the shower, he came upstairs and was playing but came and told me that he wanted to go downstairs and play.  So he played downstairs with his garbage truck and car for at least 20 minutes until I went down and brought him up for a bath.  Amazing!

Still so thankful for our house...we love our bunnies in the front grass in the morning and at bedtime and a little family of birds in the backyard in the afternoon.  The kiddos and I ate a strawberry a piece off of our little plants for dessert and it was so sweet in many different ways.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff, just want to get it out of my brain so here it is:

• Parents' dire financial situation
• Feeling the need to insert myself into a situation between my brother and my parents
• My older cat having possible seizures possibly due to his chronic kidney disease/failure (will know more when I talk to the vet on Saturday)

I know there are only three but that first one has become a real doozy.  It probably wouldn't stress me out as much if we hadn't reduced our own savings account greatly when we bought our home and I felt like I had more latitude in helping them out.  I swear their situation has got to get better and soon.

Vegas And Surprises

At Christmas, I surprised V. with a Vegas trip this past long weekend for his Christmas/birthday present.  We left on Friday, came home this afternoon.  The kiddos enjoyed their time with my parents and we enjoyed our adult time in Vegas, our first since right before I was pregnant with D. in 2010.

Of the last 3 Vegas trips which would take us back to 2007 (I think), this one was the best because V. and I were on the same page.  I won't go into details but there just weren't any Mr. Individual episodes which have got him into trouble in the past.  Again, another example of D. healing us.

I was really missing the kiddos while we were gone, especially D.  I know that sounds really bad but I thought about it and this is why.  I. is already in school all day long and I have already gone through a grieving process with not getting to spend very much time with her during the week so it's not as drastic a change as with D. who I spend most of the day with.  And since he really isn't quite the 2 year old that my intense daughter was, I really enjoy his company instead of looking forward to getting breaks from the intensity.  I also miss that time at night when we snuggle together in the rocking chair, talk about the day and sing together.  We may not be nursing but this skin to skin, together time is still our own time, to reconnect and move into sleep.

About 2 weeks ago, I got the potty seats out from the garage and set them up much to D.'s excitement.  Since he's not even 2 1/2, it was just an exercise to get comfortable with what they were especially because D. became very interested in the potty book and his best little friend is now officially using the potty which is of interest to him.  So for a couple of weeks he's been sitting on it off and on enjoying the novelty of it.  My main goal was to teach him how to sit on it properly and to position his wee wee (yes, I know it's not politically correct but I can teach him the alternative name for it when he's 5) behind the hat (as I've nicknamed the pee guard).  I mean come on, I'm a girl what the heck do I know about these things?! 

Well, in just a couple of days he mastered the "push the wee wee behind the hat" but was like a jack in a box - sit for 3 seconds, up for 3 seconds etc.  I figured he had at least learned how to sit on it so that was a step in the right direction. 

We all get home tonight and after bath he saw the potty (for the first time in 4 days) and said he wanted to go potty.  He sat himself down properly and he and I hung out there talking about how his eyes got soap in them and were burning.  He actually sat there for almost a minute because he was distracted.  Then I told him he had better go have Daddy put his PJs on if he wanted read time with Daddy so he stood up to go find him.  I glanced in the potty and lo and behold there was a bunch of pee in there!  There was a big family celebration with a ceremonial pour into the big potty and D. was so excited.  I can't believe it.  Tonight he said he is going to tell his music class that he went pee pee in the potty.  Fingers crossed that there is hope that D. is easy to potty train.  God knows I deserve it as a reward for my patience with I.'s potty training marathon.

New Year's Thoughts

It's been a long while since I posted.  Moving in was a busy process as was trying to unpack and address house issues while maintaining normalcy for the kids.  A true juggling act.

House issues withstanding, it's been nice to have the extra room indoors, separate bedrooms for the kids, and space outside to play, plant and just roam.  This year we didn't head to Idyllwild for the holidays for the first time in 10+ years.  With recent cash outlays, we decided that a stay-cation might be best especially since V. is gone M-F.

To catch up since we've moved in, D. started talking a lot.  He loves to sing with me at naptime and bedtime, "You are my sunshine" and "Twinkle twinkle little star".  But now we are able to have conversations about things that happened during the day or just things in general.  It's amazing to watch him pause to think of how to say something and his love of books has exploded.  It's become one of his favorite things now.  He now has moved into swim classes by himself which makes my heart sad but so proud as I watch him excel on his own.

I. is doing great in school.  We've been having some challenges at home but I'm hoping that may get better with a combination of things.  She loves her daddy and her brother that is for certain and I think she may love her mommy but that is not quite so certain thanks to my "enforcer" status.

With a new year on the horizon, I've been thinking about a goal for 2014.  This is the one that jumped to the front of my mind:  expressing appreciation/gratitude/thanks.  I read something that said that in order for children to learn this trait, they really need to see it modeled.  Since this is definitely not a trait that V. shares, it's up to me to model it for my kids and it happens to be a major character trait I'd like to see in my kids.  One idea I had was taking a stack of post it notes and labeling them "I appreciate/thank you for" and having them out for all of us to write short notes of appreciation to each other daily or throughout the week to develop an attitude of gratitude.  I'm hoping it will help.

I.'s school is going to start a book club in the new year with a book called, "The Christian Parenting Handbook" by Dr. Scott Turanksy and Joanne Miller, RN BSN.  They announced it in the weekly newsletter and I read an excerpt on Amazon and it really spoke to me.  I think it will be vastly helpful so I ordered it and look forward to reading it and applying what I learn.  That's always the hard part right, applying what you read. 

A good start to a new year.

It's Official

It's official that I am close to losing my mind.  Two escrows going on at one time, both with various issues and fires that need to be put out.  One sick toddler.  One moody grade schooler.  Details and coordinations coming out my wazoo.  My wazoo is tired.

It's also official that in my next life if I enter the home buying process, I'm coming back as my husband who has not had to do one iota of the details to get this to happen.  Not including of course the most important thing which is bringing home the bacon.  I get it.  But let me marinate in my bitterness. 

He can't even make it for signing the loan docs I mean COME ON! It's not that he doesn't care or maybe he really doesn't care but not in a bad way.  In the way of "I'm working 80 hours with my own problems that you don't have to solve so please take care of the home decisions that are WAY more important to you than they are to me."  Still.  And last night he really stepped in it and started laughing at my very first status report making me feel like I was a naïve, gullible idiot who just fell for the biggest trick in the book.  I cut this man a lot of slack sometimes and we use a lot of humor to diffuse situations but he just made me mad, damn mad.  And when I heard his voice this morning when I. was talking to him on the phone on her way to school, I was still mad.  Come to think of it, I'm mad now and he hasn't even called for the night.  I feel alone in this overwhelming process and as of last night, I feel like my partner thinks I'm falling for every scheme in the book.  The sad thing was I was going to tell him all the deals I got thanks to much research and conniving.

We'll see what happens tonight. 

Quick Update

After going to bed pissed off and waking up wondering what the heck the day would bring, my phone rang at 8:45 and it was our realtor telling us we got the house.  I'm excited but still holding my breath because we still have the appraisal hurdle for the house we are selling.  At the earliest we may get the report tomorrow.  If not, then Monday.  Regardless, we are forging ahead with our home inspection of our purchase Saturday morning.  I'll take the kiddos with me once the now sick D. wakes up from morning nap and Sunday my parents are going to come over to go see our new home with me and the kiddos.  Even though it is in move in ready condition, there are still things that have to be done and coordinated and measured, ie. window coverings before we move in, hopefully a month from now. 

My head is swirling and I am really trying to organize things but it's difficult.  I was supposed to go to dinner with a momma friend tonight but the sitter cancelled at 3pm and with V. being gone for 2 weeks, I'm stuck.  Really sucks because I could have used some fun and relaxation with all this that is going on. 

Fingers crossed for the appraisal report and acceptance.

On the family front, D. is sick with a cold but we went to the zoo for a short time today anyways for distraction.  I. got put in the doghouse for her attitude and behavior - still struggling to navigate her.

Really Aggravated

We heard from the other agent that he sent our revised offer and letter but that the client would be in meetings until 3pm.  The appraiser came at 9am for our place and let us know in no uncertain terms that the most recent 3 bedroom comp in our complex aka the fire sale was going to hurt our appraisal.  These jerk offs listed it for $365K and sold it for the same in one day.  No big surprise since the 2 bedrooms in our complex are going for $385K.  What an asshole.  So now we will have to wait until at least Friday to find out if we're going to be in trouble with selling this place.

Our agent called at 4:15 and said she needed me to resign our offer immediately because she had had us sign in the wrong place but that the other agent said they were signing tonight and that it was basically a done deal.  Well, it's now 8:15 and we haven't heard anything and to be honest, I am really aggravated.  It just seems like this whole process has been nothing if not difficult and I'm over it.  Either sign or don't sign but the deadline was noon and this is just stupid.  Plus about an hour ago, I realized that I didn't notice if this place had AC.  Redfin website says it does but our agent thinks it didn't which aggravates me because that's $2,500 right off the bat.

On top of it, the DVR was acting up so I turned off the tv and turned it back on to see if that would fix it and now it just has white static showing up.  I tried everything I knew to fix it to no avail and V. is not responding to my text message even though it's after 11pm in DC.  By the time he calls me, he'll be of no use since he'll probably have had many drinks with his boss/co workers.  Being that he's out of town for the next 2 weeks, I've got to get this working.

On the plus side, I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend tomorrow evening but even that may be in jeopardy. 

I'd just like one thing in my life to go simply and smoothly, is that really too much to ask?

The Eye of the Storm

This past week has been off the charts.  In four days, I looked at 20 houses.  So much of it is exhausting - the hope that rises up and then crashes down with everything is yuck or a no go, the effort it takes to schedule and try to arrange for sitters when necessary to see as many houses as possible, trying to corral D. when we're in houses that are not vacant, and then handpicking the top ones and going to see them with V. and family to see if one fits.  The big rush is that if we don't find one by tomorrow we're risking having to sell our house and move into a short term rental with hopes of finding a house.  Not something I really want to consider with 2 little kids and 2 cats.

Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses.   To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th.  Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful.  In fact, I had an emotional hangover.  Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small.  I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought.  Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.

First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain.  Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him.   V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see.  I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true.  Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours.  Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price.  We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it.  It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day.  All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...

However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash.  I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him.  He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes.  He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed.  I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine.  I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed.  It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning.  Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much.  And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors.  I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep.  That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it. 

Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.

Swirling

I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half.  There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.

To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad.  Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there.  I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't.  Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month.  Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit.  I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support.  Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments.  What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable.  At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with.  Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far.  Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable.  It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.

A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her.  She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother.  Another reason for having more than one kid!  But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet.  But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this. 

As of today we are in escrow.  We'll see if the third time is a charm.  As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly.  Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us.  The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like.  Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.

Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday.  Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain.  Horrible!  I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better.  The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis.  Yeah, just a small thing. 

So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats.  Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home.  While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for:  a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on.  I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.

Last Days of Summer

The last four days of summer were good, full of fun but went by far too quickly.

Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day.  I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy.  Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama.  I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too.  It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again.  Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.

Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time.  We finished off the day with our normal linner.

Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels.  Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn!  I was so proud and she was really excited.  I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role.  It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.

Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming.  For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue.  Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one.  Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.

This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories.  It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back.  It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.

Day 73

This was supposed to be a post about how I took D. to LEGOLAND waterpark and then picked I. up from my parents after her couple of days with them.  So let's address what the post was supposed to be about:  D. and I had a good time together at the waterpark.  Another day of no tantrums, no angst and just fun all the way around.  I. was tired when I picked her up thanks to my parents getting her in bed late both nights but I'm hoping that she gets some restful sleep tonight so that we can enjoy our last summer weekday tomorrow.  Still deciding what we are going to do but am leaning towards going to the beach all together one last time...

Now for the bizarre part of this post.  On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it.  Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play.  A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center.  It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy.  A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son!  Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello.  She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least.  She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important.  What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark.  I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart.  Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here.  We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other.  I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out. 

With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively.  I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.

Day 72

Slept like crap last night thanks to the warm evening.  When I woke up at 5:45, I turned on the monitor and could hear D. babbling happily and hoped he would stay awake until 6:30 when the alarm was going off.  He did and it was so nice to open the door and see his happy little face as he was standing up in the crib facing the door. 

I decided that our outing after his morning nap would be a trolley adventure since he was so excited about that before.  We caught the trolley at Qualcomm and rode it for 30 minutes to Seaport Village.  Lately he's been really good about holding my hand and walking so I decided to take a chance and not try to lug the stroller onto the trolley.  It worked out perfectly.  He happily sat on my lap on the way there and then held my hand as we walked the half mile to the pancake restaurant downtown.  He enjoyed his blueberry pancakes and I enjoyed my pecan pancakes and while we were eating, he kept making the sign for train to verify that we were going to go on the train again. Then we walked back to the station and enjoyed the return trip.

It was so nice to have my little guy resting against me, feeling his baby fingers search for my fingers and hold tightly when the trolley noises were a little intense or as the number of people grew.  It was soothing for both of us.  I am so thankful that we have found/created physical moments/routines of closeness that has really forged a bridge from our nursing days.  There were a few months where we were floundering and trying to find our way, mostly because I was trying to be sensitive and not remind him that we were no longer nursing.  And maybe that was necessary for those first couple of months out from nursing.  But now, I'm no longer concerned that he's missing it and now we are truly reconnecting in a way that can continue for a long time.  Such a relief.

Back in the Days

If D. wasn't going to wake up around 5:15 or possibly earlier, I'd go and sleep in I.'s bed.  I miss going to sleep knowing he was in my room.  Of course, some of the time he was in my room especially when he was getting up to nurse throughout the night, I daydreamed of closing the bedroom door and having the room to myself.  At least with D. being my second one, I recognized I was going to miss him being in my room even while I simultaneously had my daydreams, leading me to appreciate those tiring but memorable days. 

I am looking forward to opening the door and being the first person he sees in the morning...it's been about 14 months since I had that honor.

Days 67-71

Can't believe it's the last week of summer vacation for I.  It really has been a great summer and when I think of her going back to school, my eyes tear up.  But that's a good thing.

Last Friday, day 67, was a normal get things done kind of day.  All week our realtor has been going back and forth with some people and we finally agreed to their counter to our counter and I signed the contract that night to open escrow on Monday.  Pretty exciting.

Saturday I went for a vigorous hike at the lake while D. was sleeping and then instead of heading to the gym, I surprised my brother by showing up for a few hours at a karate tournament being held in San Diego.  We'll leave the conniving girlfriend out of this story for sake of time and say that it turned out fine after some annoying moments and he and I finally have a lunch together on our calendars to look forward to.  Big hugs and a kiss and good feelings between us when I left and that is what is important.  At the nighttime event, the girlfriend pissed off my mom big time and my dad too so we've got to somehow get her out of here.  That being said, this is the first girlfriend of his (and he's had many) that we do not like.  All the others became part of the family.

Sunday, I surprised I. with going ice skating just the two of us.  During the school year she had a field trip to the rink and really liked it so had been asking about it for awhile.  I was kind of concerned for myself since I hadn't ice skated in 30 years or so.  Gosh that makes me sound older than dirt and I certainly don't feel like that!  It appears to be like riding a bike and I didn't fall and even was able to maintain my balance while keeping I. upright which was difficult most of the time.  She had a good time and even though my foot felt like it had a bone bruise most of the time, I enjoyed her enjoying our time. 

Saturday night our realtor said that the people who were buying our home wanting to come and see it again on Sunday so we of course said sure but I had a bad feeling about it.  So bad that on Monday morning, I texted our agent to verify that we were going into escrow that morning.  Come to find out, now the buyers weren't sure if the layout would work for their young children and ultimately they pulled out.  I was so pissed off since my understanding is that you make up your mind BEFORE you sign a contract, not after.  On Friday I had spent time on the phone with our lender working out details and getting him more info in preparation for going out and making offers.  But no, back to the drawing board we go.  On a good note, we all went to swim class together (the last one for all 3 of us) and I.'s orthodontic consultation went well with us being told she wouldn't need to worry about anything until she's 12 or so.  Even then, it doesn't sound like it's going to be a huge thing so that is great.

Today we finally had Melissa's birthday brunch and it went fantastic.  My parents came over and picked up I. for a few days by herself with them so that they can do things that they can't do when D. is over there, ie. LEGOLAND and a movie.  So D. and I were on our own this afternoon.  We went grocery shopping where he had a piece of cheddar cheese, was offered a banana from the fruit guy and then conned his way into a slice of avocado.  Pretty awesome trip for him!  Then we came home for a late rest and then since I didn't need to get him in bed until 5:45, when I got him up we went over to the lake for a bike ride - over 5 miles in about 35 minutes.  Not bad.  It's amazing how simple it is to get  one kid in the bath and bed.  Like a cake walk!

Trying to figure out some different activities we might do tomorrow since I don't know how his sleep schedule is going to go.  When I. is here, once he wakes up in the morning, he stays up because she's up and turning on the light.  However, without her, he may fall back to sleep.  I plan on getting up 30 minutes earlier to see if I can catch him before he falls back asleep because then our day won't be broken in half by a long nap.  I'm not sure it will work, thus the multiple activities that I can mix and match.  Regardless, it should be a good day.