Challenges

Today was a better day than yesterday but considering that yesterday involved me crying in front of people because of severe back pain, it really wouldn't take much for today to be better.

I hate to cry, period. I really hate to cry in front of other people and usually can be crying right next to someone without them even knowing it until my nose starts to run and I have to do that telltale .

But yesterday morning it was just too much. My back had been very strained the whole day before but I made it through it and the painful night. It was very sore in the morning when I got up and no matter how gingerly I moved, it was shooting pains left and right. Then I made the mistake of sitting down to eat breakfast and that's when all hell broke loose. My lower back started spasming and the sciatic nerve was shooting like knives down to my ankle and as the minutes passed, it kept getting worse. I knew that I needed to get upstairs and get ready and get to the chiropractor as soon as possible or I wasn't going to be able to move at all. Scary situation considering that I'm it when it comes to taking care of I.

I drove there whimpering in pain every time I had to turn a corner or go over a bump and by the time we got there, I was tearing up. Of course, I. was not being empathetic at all and was not happy about having to go to the doctor with me which just made me feel all that much more of a loser. An old pregnant mommy loser. Walked into the chiropractor, saw her face, and started quietly crying. Embarrassing. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not a blubberer or sobber. I save my sobbing for when my closest friend dies and I'm by myself.

She got things back in place somewhat and so today I'm just back to being in pain but not in agony. Big difference. The challenges continue to come. Today my car battery died when I picked up I. from preschool. Luckily a jump start in the parking lot and a couple of phone calls to AAA tonight resulted in a new battery being installed in the car at 8pm. which will make I. (and I) so very happy because we will still be able to go to the Wild Animal Park tomorrow. Hopefully my back will embrace the walking around and not punish me for being on my feet all day. I guess I'll find out by tomorrow night but until then, I will enjoy the time with I. while it is still just her and I.

Easter Survival

Easter turned out better than I expected which was a relief. This is exactly why I like to have low expectations and get pleasantly surprised than positive, pie in the sky, perfect expectations like my parents think I should have and wind up depressed and let down. There in lies the difference between us. I prefer my way.

I went in with no real strategy but one seemed to evolve while I was there. Basically the strategy is this: I limit speaking directly to my sister nor do I make any real eye contact with her. This seems to accomplish two things. First, she seemed to get the message to leave me alone and not try to engage me in conversations that cause me to have to bite my tongue (ie. how busy she's been going to the gym every day for 4 hours). And secondly, it allows me to stay busy and purposely focused on task of helping my mom make and serve the meal. It helped that my brother brought a guy friend of his with him that my sister apparently has a crush on so she was on her best "I'm kinda normal behavior. So we weren't subjected to her out of control, loud, obnoxious, rude behavior. That in itself is proof to me that how she acts isn't because she's mentally ill or that her brain is burned out on all the meth. Yes, I know some of that is true. But if it was the predominant cause, she wouldn't be able to turn her self-control and selfish behavior off and on like a toggle switch, which she can because I've seen it. It's a conscious choice just like the rest of us make daily, sometimes minute by minute.

Between the mental focus and being on my feet most of the day, I still came home from the afternoon exhausted though pleased that it went well and everyone had a good time without drama.

A Different Kind of Easter

Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.

Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.

I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....

Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Gee, Why So Tired?

One screaming night terror, several non-screaming nightmares, two visits to the bathroom, burning pain in both hips, and lying awake with racing thoughts for an hour in the middle of the night.

And for some reason, I still ask myself the next afternoon, "Why am I so tired?"

Exhausted But So Worth It

I worked at I.'s preschool today and boy did they work me hard! I was on my feet bent over the kids the whole time and my back was cramping up like a mo-fo and the baby felt like he was trying to crawl out the bottom of my abdomen towards the end.

On the way home from school, I asked I. what was the best thing about her day which I always ask on the way home from school. Without a second of hesitation, she yelled, "Mommy!" I didn't expect that considering the Easter party and fun had taken place today. But it made every bit of back pain worth it.

Being the Reason for a Good Mood

This morning I. is in a great mood, a happy, easy-peasy mood. I'm so thankful for this mood because she is happily having a camping picnic with her animals in living room, complete with a whole story line. She's being imaginative, cute, funny, and is having a great time. I asked her why she is in such a great mood today (I know I could have jinxed it by asking but I was too curious) and she says, "Because you're going to be at school with me all day."

Awww, isn't that nice? Today is the Easter party at her school and I volunteered to help at her class. I like to help with her class, especially on holiday events, and I know she LOVES me to be in her class. I know my days are numbered for when she will want me in class with her but now with the baby coming, it'll be awhile before I'm able to do this again and who knows? By the time I am logistically able to do it, she may not want me to come to her school. I hope not. But now, she's thrilled that I am going to be there and I know when I walk in, she'll unabashedly give me a big smile and a hug and kiss and I'll file that away with the other memories of what makes my job as a momma so rewarding and worthwhile.

Busy

Time is flying by and I know before I realize it, the baby will be here and I'll be thinking to myself, "Oh shit, how'd this happen?!" Things have just been so busy and I swear the most frustrating thing for the last couple of weeks has been that I will attempt to write a short post in the morning unsuccessfully. Unsuccessfully because I. still has not been able to get tv, video game or coloring privileges back for more than one day for the past 3 weeks due to peeing in her underwear. When I took her in for her 5.5 year old checkup, the doctor said that we need to ratchet up the consequence of this behavior since my 3 day deprivation was obviously not working. So it went up to 7 days - she needs to be dry for a week then she gets one thing back at a time. Well, that has resulted in one day of tv privileges (1 hr.) and then she peed and lost it all over again.

It sounds like a good thing that she isn't watching any tv and it is in a way. But in another way it is a huge pain in the ass for me because she then thinks that my purpose in the morning is to be here entertainer/playperson. She'll play with something for a little while but inevitably it turns into "Look at me." every 5 seconds or when I'm eating breakfast, she'll install herself with her toy of choice right on the corner of table next to me, crowding me and requesting my attention. It's just enough to drive me over the edge some mornings. I think some of my frustration is that I was an only child for a long time and I played by myself for long stretches of time because my mom had stuff she had to get done in the morning. I didn't hang on my mom driving her nuts every morning. I guess maybe the baby will help with that? I surely hope so.

We got our new couches yesterday which hopefully will help relieve some back pain and they do look nice so I can cross that off my nesting list. The taxes were completed on Sunday night at 10pm due to the idiocy of an accountant who would not do his job nor seemed to even understand that it was his job to get me a certain form. I had our taxes done in February and was just waiting for this one form which believe it or not, he still hasn't provided but I had to go ahead and file without it and hope for the best. What an ahole! This week I finally got the other contractor to come back and clear out his excess materials and the old toilet that he so nicely left in the garage and it only took 3 phone calls to get taken care of. And I'm running full speed ahead on the kindergarten decision for I. this fall. We did 2 observations at 2 schools and I'm going to call and see if I can get one more at the public school we are on the waiting list for. Plus still trying to get the last bedroom put back together from the demolition. There's still so much to do but at least I've been able to cross some things off the list.

Gotta get to the gym so I have an hour to make the call to my mom to hear the latest news via monologue. This weekend is Easter and my brother and I are trying to take care of some of the things that stress my mom out. It's hard though because she tends to refuse help and then falls apart at the time or right afterwards. I don't want to go eat an Easter meal at their house when my dad is out of work so I want to help bring it over. The worst part is that my sister will be there and I have a growing level of anger about her that has been magnified by the fact that my parents have no money yet they are still supporting her financially and worst of all, she doesn't appreciate it at all. I mean, not even a little. Her attitude is "What about me? I want this, I want that, give it to me now." In a 2 year old, it's annoying. In a 28 year old, it's almost unbearable. I've got to figure out some strategy of how to deal with her on Sunday because right now, I don't even want her to speak to me and I know that's an unrealistic expectation. Though not as unrealistic as you may think, because when she's around my mom, she tends to ignore everyone and monopolizes my mom - attaches herself to her hip and just talks nonstop about nothing just so noone else can get near my mom. Now I really need to get to the gym to work off some of this aggravation in a physical way.

Not Perfect But Okay

Just a quick post before we're off to do an observation at a very expensive school that I suspect would be the perfect one for I. Why does it always happen that way? But I digress... Dr. Laura had a video post from a mom who was lamenting how hard it was to be a stay at home mom when her husband had to work out of town 3 days a week. I thought to myself, "Three days a week? Wow, that would be a cake walk." Because it would be a vast improvement over what our last 6 years of family/work life have been. But the point actually wasn't a "my situation is worse than your situation" though it was tempting not to go there, just out of pure jealousy. The point was one that Dr. Laura made. That it's not just good enough to survive through it, though God knows there are moments where you do just that, but it's okay to say, "It's not perfect but it's how it is right now." Accept it and move on making the best of what the situation is. Things could be so much worse and I know that. I experience the "worser" situations in my realistic dreams and wake up thankful that it was only a dream. I see the "worser" situation in my parents' life with my dad unemployed and way too many high expenses. There are many other "worser" situations out there. My family/work situation may not be perfect but it's okay and hopefully one day it will get better. Hopefully before V. retires.

Firsts

THEY ARE FINISHED!!!

This morning was the first morning in awhile that I didn't have to anticipate workers arriving at my house whenever they felt like, letting themselves in the house with the key in the lockbox. The first thing I did last night after they left was to go take the front door key out of the lockbox so now if someone wants to come into my house, they'll have to break in because I'll be hibernating for quite awhile. Another first last night - after I made my once a night traverse to the toilet (I'm relishing it because in a couple of months, it'll be three times a night), I didn't lie awake for an hour with racing worries and thoughts, a symptom of the chaos that has been surrounding me for the past month and a half. Now don't get me wrong - the work is not done. THEIR work is done and now mine starts. The fun part of putting everything back in the drawers, rooms, and closets begins as well as deciding what gets hung back up on the wall and where. But that's all doable and can be done in chunks of time. Not only that, it's something that I can spend an hour on and see a noticeable difference which makes a big difference in my daily life. It's all about the little things.

Bizarro House

After a busy weekend trying to get the house put back together again, I got up early today since there was supposed to be someone here to finish (yes that's right FINISH) the last of the construction process between 8 and 9 am. Then the inevitable phone call came, you know the one that says, "Oh, someone won't be there until the afternoon. I'll have him call you to let him in." Uh, no don't have him call me; we're leaving in half an hour and will be gone most of the day. It will be a miracle if this guy and the plumber make it in this house this afternoon and that everything is really, truly finished. Yesterday V. got a very good taste of what life has been like in this house when he was home at noon waiting for the DirectTV guy to show up. I warned him, I really did about the frustrations of DirectTV because in the past, I've been the one to deal with them. I don't know if he thought I was exaggerating but soon he learned that I wasn't. When he made the appointment via computer, he requested the 12-4 service window. After it accepted this window, it sent him an email saying that the window was 12-5. That should have been warning enough. Here's the short translation: 12-4 means 12-5 which means 11am which means 3-4pm which in actuality translates to the guy showing up at 1pm. I thought V.'s head was going to explode trying to comprehend all that and I just had to giggle because this has been one of my frustrations for the past 2 weeks. Then, after all that, it turns out that we can't get a HD satellite signal due to a tree, a specific tree that is on the hill next to our house. How Google Earth can get a picture of someone's dog taking a dump on the street of San Francisco via satellite and we can't get one lousy signal into our home is beyond me. So now V. is distressed that he has a beautiful 55" HD tv on the wall receiving a shitty analog signal and I don't really blame him. That's on his list of things to figure out though, not mine. Thank God.

A Gentle Moment in the Chaos

I have to admit, I've been letting all this chaos in the house get me down, way down. I try not to. I try to keep perspective that there is light at the end of the tunnel and we should finally be back to normal by the end of this week, after a month of living in limbo. Some days I'm successful but most days I have not been. It's just that my santuary has been majorly disrupted for over a month now and I'm tired of it. The past 2 weeks, it's been worse with everything in the 3rd bedroom being moved into the living/family room. There are no couches to sit on, no space to move around. It's visually stressful. On top of that, it means that the only place for I. to be playing or otherwise is in my bedroom. The only place for me to read, rest, or watch tv is in my bedroom. This combination leads to my bedroom becoming a collection of toys and mess. Hmm, that sounds like the rest of the house, doesn't it? For some reason, you add the constant loud chatter of I. and I'm ready to blow. And when I say constant, I mean CONSTANT. As in without a breath, a steady stream of noise that never stops. It really never stops now because she's lost all tv, coloring, and video game privleges thanks to the potty issue, my other favorite topic. So the default for when these 3 things are taken away are me it seems. In the morning, I need some quiet time to drink a cup of decaf and read the paper. It doesn't have to be absolute quiet but just without an interruption every 5 seconds, asking "what should I play with now?" or "can you put this together?" I finally have to ban her away from me for a few minutes which sounds like a mean parent but I don't think I should receive more punishment than I. for the consequences of her choosing to pee in her pants. Yet in the middle of this storm, a gentle moment happened yesterday that I keep holding onto with the fervent belief that things will get better. As I laid in bed in the morning, in that quiet drowsy state of half awake/half asleep state, I felt several thumps in my belly, then nothing followed by more strong thumps. It was my baby boy saying good morning to his momma and it felt good. I've just got to hold on to that for the rest of the week and then hopefully things will start getting better.

The Weekend Debrief

I know, I know, it's been a long time since my last post and I'm sure that all 2 of you have just been dying to hear how my weekend away went. Honestly, it wasn't my fault this time. Okay, Monday night I could have actually posted but the day was so aggravatingly lousy that I just didn't feel the excitement of the weekend anymore. Then Tuesday, all hell broke loose in the house (again) which resulted in my Internet connection and television/cable/DVR being ripped out of the walls without any hope of knowing how to put it all back together. On top of that, the living room, which is the only sitting area downstairs, was covered with a queen sized futon, a wide screen t.v., electronic components, furniture and toys. Basically, the room was trashed. Being that V. was out of town (big surprise there), the prospect of multiple nights sitting in silence up in my bedroom, the only room in the house left to sit in, for hours on end evoked one word to come out of my mouth. It had 4 letters and began with f. I'll let you figure that one out. V. came home yesterday and hooked up the Internet so at least I have connection to the outside world again and a place to vent my frustrations. I think that was the worst of it - having all these aggravations and nowhere to get them out. I also "Macgeyvered" the DVR to work upstairs in the bedroom so that's help retain my sanity. So, the weekend. It seems so far away after this week of "I need thousands of more dollars from you" and "Oops, I have no idea how to reconnect any of this stuff, sorry". But from what I can remember, it was great and thank God I had it before this week or it would have been an even worst scene around this joint. We lucked out on the weather in that it rained on the way up on Friday and then was sunny for the rest of the time except for Sunday morning when we were getting ready to leave anyways. On Friday, we walked around the downtown area and then soaked up some sun on the boardwalk at the beach. That night, we ended up seeing a movie which for us is a real treat and it was great. Saturday, we went to breakfast at the place we fell in love with last year and enjoyed it just as much this year. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, taking a walk on the beach, reading, and napping. Then we went out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant we found online that afternoon and it was fantastic. The surprising part was that V. actually told them it was my birthday so they brought dessert and sang to me. He doesn't do that but he did and it meant alot to me. Sunday after breakfast we had time to play cards and take a picture at a hotel that we took a picture in front of 10 years ago, the first time we came to Laguna. I'll have to upload some pics from the weekend separately. Then it was off to my parents' house for the family bday party, sans my sister, and it went pretty well overall. The best part of the weekend was hanging out with V. These days, it only takes about an hour of being alone to get back into our groove, which is a huge improvement from back in the dark days after Mark's death. We really are able to tap back into our friendship, that part when we just enjoy each other's company, not as husband and wife but as two people who truly, honestly like each other as people. After an afternoon of hanging out, we start saying the same things at the same time which we call "sharing a brain". V. says it drives him crazy but he says it with a smile so I know he's lying. These are the things that make the weekend away so necessary and special. I tried not to concentrate on the fact that this will be our last time away alone for probably 18-24 months because that makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed. We survived last time and I'm confident that we'll survive it this time too. It'll make the next weekend away something to really be looked forward to, that's for sure.