Nothing exciting going on over here this morning. Yesterday, I successfully made it through Monday's transition back into a single parent for the rest of the week. Every Monday things just seem a little more difficult, complicated, and overwhelming because it's back to being the only adult on duty. Someday, someday, we'll have a more normal life. Of course, I've been saying this same exact thing since February 2005 and I'm still waiting. If you don't have hope, what do you really have?
But that was yesterday and this morning is moving at a leisurely pace. The main event of the day is lunch at Mark's parents' house to go over the final details of his party on the 24th. I actually wish we could have met a neutral location like before, especially with his anniversary looming around the corner because I know when I walk in there with I. I'll be right back to almost exactly a year ago when we went over on a Sunday which will always be known as "Our Last Visit". Everything happened in that house and now I'm going back there today. But what am I going to say to his mom? "Um, yeah, I never want to come to your house ever again because all it reminds me of is Mark, my missing friendship, and those last 3 days of him dying." It's just not something to say to a grieving mother. So I'll just have to hope for the best and concentrate on the party.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Constant Chatter
It's one of those mornings that make me feel like I just want all the noise to stop. From the time I got up, it's been, "I'm hungry. I want this, I want that. Look at this. How do you...?" Constant questions, demands, statements. It...just...needs...to....stop. And quickly. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin literally.
Yes, I realize if something horrible happened and the noise wasn't there, I would be devastated, ruined, without reason. And my brain, the tiniest part that is not being invaded by questions and demands, understands that.
But the rest of my brain, the other 99%, needs some peace and quiet and for this reason, I'm going to hurry as fast as I possibly can to get ready and get to the gym so I can put I. in the kids club. Maybe the combination of vigorous exercise and some peace and quiet will help me handle whatever the rest of the day brings.
Yes, I realize if something horrible happened and the noise wasn't there, I would be devastated, ruined, without reason. And my brain, the tiniest part that is not being invaded by questions and demands, understands that.
But the rest of my brain, the other 99%, needs some peace and quiet and for this reason, I'm going to hurry as fast as I possibly can to get ready and get to the gym so I can put I. in the kids club. Maybe the combination of vigorous exercise and some peace and quiet will help me handle whatever the rest of the day brings.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
In Limbo
This week has been a busy one. I. has been in a summer camp since Tuesday from 9-noon so it's been balls to the wall every morning. Not to mention, I've had to set the alarm to wake up early to get her there on time. Oh, I do NOT miss waking up to an alarm. It's been one of the perks the last few years and I am not looking forward to the day when I have to go back to it. For a person who only sleeps decently from 4 am. on, an alarm is pure torture. I'm groggy, disoriented, and out of it. Much rather wake up on my own in between dreams/nightmares.
At night this week, I've been slammed with client work. This client is a hurry up and wait kind of client. Actually, both of my clients are that way. You don't hear from them and then they need everything yesterday. So for the last few days, I've been Momma full-time and then worker bee from 6pm on and I'm pretty tired. I do like to see the invoices increasing though and it's going to be a pretty good month so that's satisfying. However, these two time-consuming tasks delays updating my blog.
Yeah, so the update. Fourth of July turned out wonderfully because my sister didn't show up. So we had a relaxed, fun time playing ping pong and laughing. While I. has been in summer camp this week, I've been working out and catching up on errands. Today though I decided to do something different and go for an hour long hike up Iron Mtn. which was pretty challenging. I really enjoyed it though. I had my Ipod on and somehow scaling those rocky hills gave me the same type of feeling as when I was in martial arts. The physical challenge with a required mental focus (so I didn't twist my ankle or fall) that distracts me from the strenuous exercise. The only bad part was that due to the mistiness of the day, it was pretty deserted which was kind of scary. Considering the domestic violence incident plus the murdering mechanic friend, my fear and anxiety is on high alert. But I got a good workout and enjoyed it immensely. I wish I could do it all the time 'cause I'd be in kick-ass shape without the boredom of the gym.
Afterwards, I went to Mark's grave and laid down to finish reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. I thought it fitting to read Ozzy's book with Mark, plus I hadn't seen his headstone in person and I was right around the corner. It was still misting and gloomy, so I just pulled my hood over my head and face, sat on his headstone and read. Then it was time to pick up I. from camp. I'm kind of in a strange place - the year anniversary is quickly approaching and I'm actively planning this party with his parents. Next Tuesday, I'm going to his parents' house to figure out the last minute details of the party. My mood is definitely down with fleeting thoughts from my depressed days but overall, I'm keeping myself busy and trying to stay focused on positive things.
I wanted to treat myself to something on the last day of I.'s summer camp. Terry couldn't do coffee so instead I'm dropping I. off, heading to a Starbucks with a book, and then getting a massage with my favorite masseuse. I really lucked out on getting on her schedule because she only works certain days and usually she's booked. It's a sign, I think.
At night this week, I've been slammed with client work. This client is a hurry up and wait kind of client. Actually, both of my clients are that way. You don't hear from them and then they need everything yesterday. So for the last few days, I've been Momma full-time and then worker bee from 6pm on and I'm pretty tired. I do like to see the invoices increasing though and it's going to be a pretty good month so that's satisfying. However, these two time-consuming tasks delays updating my blog.
Yeah, so the update. Fourth of July turned out wonderfully because my sister didn't show up. So we had a relaxed, fun time playing ping pong and laughing. While I. has been in summer camp this week, I've been working out and catching up on errands. Today though I decided to do something different and go for an hour long hike up Iron Mtn. which was pretty challenging. I really enjoyed it though. I had my Ipod on and somehow scaling those rocky hills gave me the same type of feeling as when I was in martial arts. The physical challenge with a required mental focus (so I didn't twist my ankle or fall) that distracts me from the strenuous exercise. The only bad part was that due to the mistiness of the day, it was pretty deserted which was kind of scary. Considering the domestic violence incident plus the murdering mechanic friend, my fear and anxiety is on high alert. But I got a good workout and enjoyed it immensely. I wish I could do it all the time 'cause I'd be in kick-ass shape without the boredom of the gym.
Afterwards, I went to Mark's grave and laid down to finish reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. I thought it fitting to read Ozzy's book with Mark, plus I hadn't seen his headstone in person and I was right around the corner. It was still misting and gloomy, so I just pulled my hood over my head and face, sat on his headstone and read. Then it was time to pick up I. from camp. I'm kind of in a strange place - the year anniversary is quickly approaching and I'm actively planning this party with his parents. Next Tuesday, I'm going to his parents' house to figure out the last minute details of the party. My mood is definitely down with fleeting thoughts from my depressed days but overall, I'm keeping myself busy and trying to stay focused on positive things.
I wanted to treat myself to something on the last day of I.'s summer camp. Terry couldn't do coffee so instead I'm dropping I. off, heading to a Starbucks with a book, and then getting a massage with my favorite masseuse. I really lucked out on getting on her schedule because she only works certain days and usually she's booked. It's a sign, I think.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
4th of July
I'm trying to get psyched up for today but it's a little difficult. Today is going to be a LONG day over at my parents' house because today is not only the 4th of July which means a bbq and fireworks at 9pm (God help me) but we also celebrate my brother's birthday. This year though he already opened his presents from my parents so not to be scrutinized by my sister so all he has left are our few presents and anything my sister gets him (bought by my mother of course). So we're going to get there at 1:30 and be there until about 9:45. That is a long day, especially with possible drama. Ugh!
There is a possibility that my sister will be bringing some dude that she discovered online. Not someone that she was matched with but just some random guy that she started a conversation with. He asked her out for 2 nights in a row without even having met her which is strange. He's 32 with 2 little kids that live with him Monday-Thursday. This is obviously not the right guy since my sister doesn't like to compete with a guy's jobs, hobbies, sports, television shows, and most of all children. The only possible good side to the dude being there is that she might act more normal since for God's sake, she only met him Thursday night. I just hope he's not weird like the last dude she brought to 4th of July a couple of years ago but how could he possibly not be weird if he's with her?
On days like today, I just hope for the best - no fights, no bitchy dramas, that it goes by quickly, that there is some element of fun, and that I. sleeps through the fireworks.
There is a possibility that my sister will be bringing some dude that she discovered online. Not someone that she was matched with but just some random guy that she started a conversation with. He asked her out for 2 nights in a row without even having met her which is strange. He's 32 with 2 little kids that live with him Monday-Thursday. This is obviously not the right guy since my sister doesn't like to compete with a guy's jobs, hobbies, sports, television shows, and most of all children. The only possible good side to the dude being there is that she might act more normal since for God's sake, she only met him Thursday night. I just hope he's not weird like the last dude she brought to 4th of July a couple of years ago but how could he possibly not be weird if he's with her?
On days like today, I just hope for the best - no fights, no bitchy dramas, that it goes by quickly, that there is some element of fun, and that I. sleeps through the fireworks.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Kind of Freaking Out
In Wednesday morning's paper, there was a news story about a car that went off a rural freeway and two women were found dead. Read it, didn't think much of it.
This morning (Friday) I was reading the paper and here was an article about a man who was the husband of one of those women who was being arrested for having a sexual relationship with his wife's niece. His wife was one of those women who was found dead on Tuesday.
I continued reading the article and it was getting more and more crazy. The 17 year old niece and her mother (his wife's sister) just arrived from overseas and were living in their house since December. In March, he was arrested for molestation of the niece but because neither the niece nor his wife would press charges, nothing came of it. His wife was quoted as saying that she didn't "want her daughter to be fatherless". Then Tuesday night they find her and her mother (who lived with them) in a car at the bottom of a ravine with gunshots in them. Very strange.
It got a whole lot stranger when I got to the end of this morning's article and realize that I have known this man for about 8 years. Not only do I know him, I just had a conversation with him on Monday afternoon! I turn back to the front page photo and though he's hiding his face, it sure as heck is him. I asked him on Monday how his daughter was and he proudly said, "Can you believe she's going to be going to first grade next week?" He was as friendly and cheerful as he always was towards me and said hi to I. quite a few times, commenting on how tall she was getting. I've been going to this guy since before V. and I were married.
If he shot his wife and MIL on Tuesday and dumped their bodies, it gives me the willies to think that there must have been some evil thoughts circulating in his mind on Monday afternoon when I spoke to him. Besides that, he had already been arrested for statuatory rape of that 17 year old and his life was unraveling. Later today it came to light that he was an ex-con who shot a cab driver while robbing him and was in prison, until he escaped. He was recaptured in San Diego in 2000 and finished serving his time and then returned back to his wife in San Diego after that.
This whole thing scares me, unsettles me and certainly is not helping my anxiety level. I feel anxious that I have taken I. with me since she's been born to this guy's place and have thought him to be a good guy. My job as mother is to keep her safe and I feel like I should have been able to get a vibe about this guy and not expose her to him. I know, you can't know who someone really is but for some reason, I'm shaken and feel like I need to up the defense line to keep I. and I safe. I hope this won't translate into nightmares tonight. My brain really needs a rest after today.
This morning (Friday) I was reading the paper and here was an article about a man who was the husband of one of those women who was being arrested for having a sexual relationship with his wife's niece. His wife was one of those women who was found dead on Tuesday.
I continued reading the article and it was getting more and more crazy. The 17 year old niece and her mother (his wife's sister) just arrived from overseas and were living in their house since December. In March, he was arrested for molestation of the niece but because neither the niece nor his wife would press charges, nothing came of it. His wife was quoted as saying that she didn't "want her daughter to be fatherless". Then Tuesday night they find her and her mother (who lived with them) in a car at the bottom of a ravine with gunshots in them. Very strange.
It got a whole lot stranger when I got to the end of this morning's article and realize that I have known this man for about 8 years. Not only do I know him, I just had a conversation with him on Monday afternoon! I turn back to the front page photo and though he's hiding his face, it sure as heck is him. I asked him on Monday how his daughter was and he proudly said, "Can you believe she's going to be going to first grade next week?" He was as friendly and cheerful as he always was towards me and said hi to I. quite a few times, commenting on how tall she was getting. I've been going to this guy since before V. and I were married.
If he shot his wife and MIL on Tuesday and dumped their bodies, it gives me the willies to think that there must have been some evil thoughts circulating in his mind on Monday afternoon when I spoke to him. Besides that, he had already been arrested for statuatory rape of that 17 year old and his life was unraveling. Later today it came to light that he was an ex-con who shot a cab driver while robbing him and was in prison, until he escaped. He was recaptured in San Diego in 2000 and finished serving his time and then returned back to his wife in San Diego after that.
This whole thing scares me, unsettles me and certainly is not helping my anxiety level. I feel anxious that I have taken I. with me since she's been born to this guy's place and have thought him to be a good guy. My job as mother is to keep her safe and I feel like I should have been able to get a vibe about this guy and not expose her to him. I know, you can't know who someone really is but for some reason, I'm shaken and feel like I need to up the defense line to keep I. and I safe. I hope this won't translate into nightmares tonight. My brain really needs a rest after today.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
She Gave Our Gift
Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. This is the hardest emotion for me to deal with probably because it involves various emotions - sadness, anger, being let down, hurt. I vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to punch a wall. Neither are really going to make me feel better so I do nothing. Well, not quite nothing because I'm blogging about it. That's really just for my own mental health and to try and get it out of my head so that I don't have nightmares tonight.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Family
We're heading to the Fair in a little while to meet my parents. Now that my evil sister has been relocated to another room in another unsuspecting person's house, she doesn't have to be at their house all day, every day. So we're actually able to do some things with my parents again. Of course, it's all on the down -low because we can't say we ever see each other when my sister is around or there will be hell to pay.
I had a humorous conversation with my brother last night. We were talking business at first but the conversation came around as it usually does to my sister. His birthday is this weekend and we'll be getting together on the Fourth and he was hoping she wouldn't have to be there. Since it's the Fourth though, she has to be there. He's going to open all his presents on Friday night when she's not there so he doesn't have to go through the inevitable evil eye from her as she sits there calculating how much each present cost and if she got an equal amount on her birthday. She did this crap back when she was 6; some things don't change.
We started cracking up so hard reliving all the weird stuff from Father's Day she did. For instance, she sat there and told my brother for 15 minutes all the places she had applied to. Then we all sat down to eat and 5 minutes later she's done, gets up and announces to him, "I feel really guilty for talking to you." and goes in the house. Part of the hilarity is obviously the comment, but the other part is that no one even acknowledged that she said it and just started talking about some random topic. Of course, my brother and I made eye contact and I said to him, "What the heck just happened there?" and we both started laughing. Or how about how she announced to my brother, "I need a hug." and gives this really long, strange hug. Okay, so what was so strange about that you ask? Because after she did it, she turned to his girlfriend and asked, "Does that make you jealous?" Huh, what?! Ewww, what the heck does that mean? Weird stuff like that constantly and how it's completely ignored is both bizarre, maddening, and hilarious all at the same time.
Our other favorite is how she spends a lot of time detailing out to both of us EVERYTHING she's been doing in minutiae, trying to convince us that she is SO busy. Obviously much busier than either of us. I mean she's spends 2-3 hours at the gym (with her big dark sunglasses on) and about the same time at the library - if I did that every day, I'd be exhausted from being so busy. Just a bit of sarcasm there.
This is the fun you get when you have an insane person at all your family gatherings. It's very conflicting because on one hand you feel bad for her but on the other hand, we are both so tired of 14+ years of this crap and the price it's exacted on my parents and family that it's hard not to lash out. So that's why we laugh.
I had a humorous conversation with my brother last night. We were talking business at first but the conversation came around as it usually does to my sister. His birthday is this weekend and we'll be getting together on the Fourth and he was hoping she wouldn't have to be there. Since it's the Fourth though, she has to be there. He's going to open all his presents on Friday night when she's not there so he doesn't have to go through the inevitable evil eye from her as she sits there calculating how much each present cost and if she got an equal amount on her birthday. She did this crap back when she was 6; some things don't change.
We started cracking up so hard reliving all the weird stuff from Father's Day she did. For instance, she sat there and told my brother for 15 minutes all the places she had applied to. Then we all sat down to eat and 5 minutes later she's done, gets up and announces to him, "I feel really guilty for talking to you." and goes in the house. Part of the hilarity is obviously the comment, but the other part is that no one even acknowledged that she said it and just started talking about some random topic. Of course, my brother and I made eye contact and I said to him, "What the heck just happened there?" and we both started laughing. Or how about how she announced to my brother, "I need a hug." and gives this really long, strange hug. Okay, so what was so strange about that you ask? Because after she did it, she turned to his girlfriend and asked, "Does that make you jealous?" Huh, what?! Ewww, what the heck does that mean? Weird stuff like that constantly and how it's completely ignored is both bizarre, maddening, and hilarious all at the same time.
Our other favorite is how she spends a lot of time detailing out to both of us EVERYTHING she's been doing in minutiae, trying to convince us that she is SO busy. Obviously much busier than either of us. I mean she's spends 2-3 hours at the gym (with her big dark sunglasses on) and about the same time at the library - if I did that every day, I'd be exhausted from being so busy. Just a bit of sarcasm there.
This is the fun you get when you have an insane person at all your family gatherings. It's very conflicting because on one hand you feel bad for her but on the other hand, we are both so tired of 14+ years of this crap and the price it's exacted on my parents and family that it's hard not to lash out. So that's why we laugh.
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