Today

Today is Mark's birthday which brings back memories of past birthdays. He always would take the day off from work because he didn't want hoopla about his birthday. That night he would go over to his parents' house for a homemade German dinner and a cutthroat game of Risk, his favorite game. No one else liked that game but since it was his birthday, everyone acquiesced.

I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.

Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.

Happy Birthday my friend.

A Mixed Bag

We had a really good time at Disney on Ice. Our seats were good and it was great hanging out, my girl and I. I remembered sitting with my mother at this same location, watching Mickey Mouse on ice skates, about 35 years ago. Wow!

I. woke up Saturday with a 104 temperature and was sick all day. Needless to say, we didn't go to the birthday party and took it easy all day. V. played games on the Ipad with I. after resttime which allowed me to do my closet project. The inevitable one when you have to take all your pants out of the closet to make room for the small selection of pregnancy clothes. It had to be done because the time is drawing near when I'll have to be wearing these things. Yesterday was officially 3 months. I was excited about that until I realized that on the flip side that means I only have 6 months left before my life changes immensely. Then I got scared and sad too because it won't just be I. and I any more. I know it'll be great in a different way but you know, I'm just sentimental about it. All the pregnancy books talk about this swirl of conflicting emotions as being normal but that doesn't help with the confusing aspects of feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time. I still am not good with that though it seems like I get plenty of practice with it in recent times.

My mom said last week that she had to come up sometime this week to see I. and this afternoon is the only day that works. I. is really looking forward to it and so was I, thinking I could get some things done until I got an email from my dad saying that my mom, who is notoriously at least 30 minutes late, will try to be here at 1:45. 1:45??!! I. eats dinner at 3:00 and my mom knows that and with I. still recovering from being sick and having 3 tiring, consecutive days of school starting tomorrow, I don't want to get her in bed late. To me it's like "Why even bother?" especially if she doesn't skid in here until 2:15. This is why I can never and will never be able to rely on my mom for help. People hear that she lives 30 minutes away and say, "Oh, that's nice. She probably helps out alot." but no, not really. Not really at all.

I'm not going to dwell on this though because I have my last massage scheduled this morning. "Last massage" meaning it will probably be the last one that insurance will cover though I'm not sure since I'm still having problems from the accident on my right side. Well, we'll see but regardless, I'm going to enjoy it immensely.

Disney on Ice

Well I survived the morning of returning Media and enjoyed volunteering at I.'s school. She loved it and kept giving me hugs and kisses. It's funny how she's such an independent kid (i.e. she has no problem separating and being away from me) but when I am there, she's so demonstrably affectionate. I like it so much and it's a real reward for me as a stay at home momma. What I mean by that is that because I am home all the time, she takes it for granted and doesn't act like that with me. But when I show up at places where she's used to being without me, she really lavishes the love.

This morning we are going to see Disney on Ice. I wasn't going to take her to it because she gets to go to movies, gymnastics, science class etc. Then she saw the commercial for it every morning and thought it looked neat. She asked to go maybe once but other than that she just watched. Then I got an email offer for $12 tickets and good seats at that. I checked out the regular prices and the cheapest nosebleed seats were $16. The seats that we could get for $12 are more like $30 and the fact that she didn't harangue me about it made me want to surprise her. Plus I am looking for opportunities to do things with her, just the two of us while we still can. I. is really excited and so am I.

Yesterday I was so tired from being on my feet for 6 hours straight yesterday and I'm still feeling it this morning. Looks like there will not be any resttime today either (hasn't been since Monday) because we have to pick up a present for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I am really, truly, and sincerely looking forward to sleeping in a little the next 2 days.

Tough Morning, Joyful Afternoon

Busy day today - wait a minute many days in the last few weeks have been busy days. I really feel like a hamster running on a wheel Tuesdays thru Thursdays. I think it's a function of extra appointments thanks to that accident over a month ago (how can that still be affecting my daily life, I don't know) and that those 3 days of the week are subdivided into 1.5 hour intervals. That gives the hamster on the wheel illusion.

Today is no different except that part of it is going to suck and part of it will be great. Let's start with the great. At I.'s school once a year, they have a restaurant day when all the classes have snack time together in a restaurant setting. They are seated, given a menu, and then a waitress comes to take their order. Their food is brought and then they pay with "money" before they leave. I volunteered for it last year and it was a lot of fun. Since my days of helping in her classroom will be limited for the next few years, I am jumping at volunteering in her class at least for all the holiday type of events (those are the most fun for me to see I. experiencing). So today I will be her waitress and I. is really excited about it. This morning when she was getting dressed, she ran up to me and through her arms around me and said, "You're going to be at my school all day today!" Does it get any better than that? Nope. So that's the good part from 12:30 to 3:00.

The not so good part is that when I drop I. off at her before school "science class" at 10:30, I will have our foster cat, Media, in the car with us, crying the whole time because this morning is when I have to take her back to Petco. I know she'll have a better chance at adoption if people see here and as luck would have it, there are very many other cats over there right now so maybe that'll help. But still, it breaks my heart because she's not going to understand that. All she's going to know is that she's been here for 2 months, getting love and attention and be able to run and play and now she'll be back in a small plastic enclosure. How depressing all the way around. Another volunteer is walking me through the process of returning cats to Petco so that'll take awhile meaning that as soon as I'm done at Petco, I'll have to race back to I.'s school. I'll have to pack something for my lunch, something that I can eat while driving. That sounds relaxing. Thank goodness that I have the positive, happy experience to enjoy after Petco or the afternoon would be swirling down the drain.

This Time Around is Different

They say that your second pregnancy is different than your first. You already have been through it and are distracted and busy with your first one so you don't have as much time to ponder the ins and outs of daily pregnancy. In a way, this is true.

Last night, I got out one of the pregnancy books to see what this week held for me and the baby. When I was pregnant with I., those books were piled up around the house and I would look at them daily. I can't do that this time around, not because I don't have time to look at them, but because I. is so doggone observant that she would be asking why this book with a baby on it was lying around. Then she would proceed to look through it and ask about all the pictures. I'm afraid of what the next topic of conversation would be with her.

I don't want to tell her yet because it's still a long time off. I also don't want to tell her yet because she is finally open and excited about getting a bed and moving out of the crib. Finally, I don't want to tell her because we're still having issues with potty training, though at this point in the process, I'm not sure that it can even still be called that. She went a whole 30 days (from Christmas to just a few days ago) dry, no accidents. I didn't want to say anything to jinx it. Then all of a sudden, she's peed in her pants for no apparent reason 3 out of the last 5 days. She's not sick, tired, no changes to her life or schedule - don't ask me, I don't friggin' know. What I do know is that when I picked her up from the gym and saw that she was completely wet, it irritated me to no end and I really didn't even want to speak to her. I know that sounds horrible but please, it's been since June 2009 that I've been dealing with this. To put it in perspective, I was concerned about getting her potty trained in time for preschool and now I'm concerned about getting her potty trained for kindergarten, when she'll almost be 6. I don't know any mother who would have that much patience for one continuous topic for that length of time.

Anyways, back to the topic I meant to talk about - I got the book out last night and was blown away that the baby was already 2 inches long and that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit. It hit me - I'm pregnant. Isn't that weird? You would think when they took 7 vials of blood out of me yesterday afternoon for the first round of tests that I would know I was pregnant. I mean, I know it pretty much every minute of the day but it really hit me when I read about these sizable measurements. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows so it's not a daily topic of conversation. So maybe once it's common knowledge out there, it'll feel more like the first time around. We'll have to see.

Blah Blah Blah

The weekend went by pretty well except for the discovery on Friday night that not all inflatable beds are created equal. I've slept on one before and was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. That wasn't the case with the one at my parents' house - this one was torture. I sleep mostly on my side and when I rolled onto my side, it felt like my hip was resting directly on the wood floor which is less than comfortable to say the least. The dog successfully made it through its separation from my dad and was well-behaved, just like a kid when its parents aren't around. We had a good time Saturday celebrating V.'s birthday and all in all, it was a good weekend.

Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.

I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.

This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.

Dog Sitting Expedition

Well, I didn't get another phone call from my parents so I am assuming that they are heading out this morning for their Vegas trip. Now let's just hope they don't get lost. Don't laugh - these two drove through the entire state of Arizona looking for Phoenix and didn't realize they were lost until they hit the New Mexico state line. So, now you get why I'm a little concerned. As long as I don't get a cell phone call from them sometime in the afternoon, things should be okay.

Around here, I got alot done last night so that there wouldn't be too much left this morning. Unfortunately I do need to clean up the litter room, my least favorite task but aside from that, we just need to get ready and go. We're going to stop off at a bundt cake place on the way to Carlsbad to pick up some little cakes for V.'s birthday celebration tomorrow and then drop off our stuff at my parents' house. The plan is to get I.'s trike and head to the sea wall for lunch and a ride/walk along the beach. In my single days when I lived in North County, I used to go down to that sea wall all the time - for exercise, fresh air, or just to think. Now I'll be going back with my daughter.

Hopefully the dog and all her high-maintenance routines, especially around bedtime, don't drive me nuts. It's only for a couple of days, right?