Why is it that when I am having one of those days, those good days, when I'm feeling hopeful and happy, something ugly has to enter the picture? It didn't wipe out the good thoughts of the day but it did put an angry, yucky taste in my mouth.
Yesterday I was watching I. in her gymnastics class and I was thinking about how after summer, she would not have the luxury of taking these classes in the weekday morning hours. In fact, if her bedtime doesn't shift to later, she won't be taking these classes at all. But I was enjoying the fact that I was able to sit there and watch her enjoy her class and that I've been able to share all these experiences, just her and I, for more than 5 years. We did the Mommy & Me classes, the swim lessons together, all the trips to the Zoo, Sea World, Wild Animal Park and playdates just her and me. I'm really thankful for that and I think that will help the process that will take place when the new baby comes (at least I hope so).
What's also cool, and it goes back to my timing topic, is that now with this next one, I'll be able to do a lot of the same thing, just he/she and I during the weekday morning hours because I. will be in school. Although I'm a great multi-tasker, I know myself well enough to know that I would feel guilty trying to multi-task attention on a daily basis between the two kids. The way the timing has worked out, I'll be able to give the second one the one on one time that I'd like and then when I. comes home, I won't feel guilty about trying to give her as much attention as I want to/am able to. Now I'm not naive, I know it won't be as simple as that. I remember what a baby is like. Just because I. is home and I want to give her attention doesn't mean that it's going to easily happen. But I am confident that I will figure it out and be able to give I. what she needs without neglecting what the baby is going to need.
So that was how I was feeling yesterday - happy, hopeful, confident, excited. And then the phone rang at 5:30. It was my mom sounding like she was on death's door, sicker than a dog. This weekend is when they are going to Las Vegas - I've done a lot of research for them, made a creative, reveal gift out of it, gotten them a gift card, made all the reservations etc., not to mention doing the pet sitting and house sitting. But most of all, they haven't gone on a proper vacation just the two of them for almost 10 years because of that needy, unsocialized dog of theirs. So I was excited for them to go.
My mom was really sick with the flu or something, she had been in bed all day sleeping which was good. She almost called in the morning to tell me to cancel everything, that they couldn't go. But that's not the ugly, stupid part of this whole thing, that's not what made me mad. It was that she was calling me from the car sitting in front of Trader Joe's where my bitch sister was inside buying some groceries (with my parents' money). Un-fucking-believable. I don't need to comment on this further, it speaks for itself.
When I get angry about this constantly reoccurring situation, I just chat what has become my mantra, "Just wait til they're gone because you're gonna be in a world of shit." And it makes me feel better.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Thinking About Timing
For a lot of my life, my timing has appeared to be off. I would meet a good guy but I would be too young for the commitment necessary to keep him. Then at the time I needed a jerk the least and was the most vulnerable was when I met the nightmare of a guy and put myself through emotional hell. It's the story we all have in our lives I know but up until V., it was a source of aggravation to me. It just seemed like I was always one step off from happiness.
Until V. - we were both single by choice and not wanting any suffocating relationship which is pretty much how we both bitterly viewed every relationship at that point in our lives. That all changed after we became friends and friendly competitors at work, one day it was like a 2x4 hit us both upside our heads and it was like the scales fell from our eyes like in the Bible. Now in the first 6 months, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, though much of it was. A lot of it was us wrestling with our own inner demons that worked on pulling us apart, looking out for our own protected interests, and trying to make sure we didn't get hurt.
The other day I was thinking about this baby. Why now? Why didn't it happen 2.5 years ago? I know I'll never know why for sure but as my mind wandered around the topic as I was driving, it came back to that timing thing again. You see, I. was a force of nature since she was born and the thought of another one would cause panic to rise in me. Then Mark got diagnosed with cancer and almost died. After I visited him in Seattle while he was in the hospital, it hit me that I knew that I wanted two kids and life was too short to run scared about having another one. And so we started trying hard for that second one. To no avail.
Then Mark died and V. wasn't able to be there for me in any shape or form and honestly, I thought, "Do I really want to bring another child in the world with someone who ditches me when I really need him?" It sort of killed my desire for another one. But we got the wheels back on the marriage car and learned some valuable lessons for the future in the process and we kept trying without luck. At some point, I made peace and became okay with I. being an only child and moved on.
Then it happened, the stars and planets lined up and it took! But why then and not when we were trying so hard? What I came up with was this: when Mark was really sick, my body was so stressed I couldn't even eat. Then he died and literally for almost a year, I grieved - hard. But then I began healing (and eating), slowly a springtime of sorts sprouted in me. V. and I healed our wounds from this time period in our marriage as my body began healing itself, opening itself up to being able to feel new joys. A beautiful sunset, a good day with I., a warm breeze on my face - the things that make me happy and thankful that I am alive. And that's when it happened. The thing that Mark's illness made me realize I wanted and should pursue happened once I healed and could begin cherishing the special times he and I had.
That is perfect timing.
Until V. - we were both single by choice and not wanting any suffocating relationship which is pretty much how we both bitterly viewed every relationship at that point in our lives. That all changed after we became friends and friendly competitors at work, one day it was like a 2x4 hit us both upside our heads and it was like the scales fell from our eyes like in the Bible. Now in the first 6 months, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, though much of it was. A lot of it was us wrestling with our own inner demons that worked on pulling us apart, looking out for our own protected interests, and trying to make sure we didn't get hurt.
The other day I was thinking about this baby. Why now? Why didn't it happen 2.5 years ago? I know I'll never know why for sure but as my mind wandered around the topic as I was driving, it came back to that timing thing again. You see, I. was a force of nature since she was born and the thought of another one would cause panic to rise in me. Then Mark got diagnosed with cancer and almost died. After I visited him in Seattle while he was in the hospital, it hit me that I knew that I wanted two kids and life was too short to run scared about having another one. And so we started trying hard for that second one. To no avail.
Then Mark died and V. wasn't able to be there for me in any shape or form and honestly, I thought, "Do I really want to bring another child in the world with someone who ditches me when I really need him?" It sort of killed my desire for another one. But we got the wheels back on the marriage car and learned some valuable lessons for the future in the process and we kept trying without luck. At some point, I made peace and became okay with I. being an only child and moved on.
Then it happened, the stars and planets lined up and it took! But why then and not when we were trying so hard? What I came up with was this: when Mark was really sick, my body was so stressed I couldn't even eat. Then he died and literally for almost a year, I grieved - hard. But then I began healing (and eating), slowly a springtime of sorts sprouted in me. V. and I healed our wounds from this time period in our marriage as my body began healing itself, opening itself up to being able to feel new joys. A beautiful sunset, a good day with I., a warm breeze on my face - the things that make me happy and thankful that I am alive. And that's when it happened. The thing that Mark's illness made me realize I wanted and should pursue happened once I healed and could begin cherishing the special times he and I had.
That is perfect timing.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Quiet Moments
Yesterday was a busy but good day. First to the gym for a quick treadmill workout, then straight to my parents' house for lunch and instructions for this weekend's housesitting/dog sitting while they go to Vegas (one of our Christmas presents to them). Then home for bath and bedtime.
The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.
I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.
Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.
The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.
I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.
Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Easy Decision
I met with the other doula this morning, a very nice lady who seemed to be experienced and competent. It was funny though, I almost immediately knew when I met with her that I would go with the first one. It was one of those intuitive feelings where you just know right off the bat what is right and then it's later when you start putting little things together that you realize why you knew. I don't want to say what wasn't right with the second doula because it wasn't really that she wasn't right. It was that she made me immediately see why the other one was righter. The grammar in this post is pretty atrocious but these made up words communicate things better.
Yesterday, when I saw the first doula, I felt calm. She was visibly soothing to me. Weird, huh? It's hard to explain but like I said yesterday, she had this calm, peaceful aura about her even before she spoke. She offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks (where we met) which was nice and she complimented me on how well I looked for being almost 10 weeks along. Since right now I don't look particularly pregnant, just bulky and thick, I really appreciated that and it made me feel proud of myself. And you know, that's part of a doula's job in the thick of things - to make you have pride and feel confidence in yourself that you can do this labor thing. So it gave me a little sneak peek.
Another thing was that she only takes on one mother a month. Today's doula takes on four a month and talked about "building her business". Now I understand that this is her business and that's fine with me. But when the other one was talking, I could feel that she wasn't in it as a business (obviously not if you only take one person a month). She was it because she loved it and felt it was her life's calling/work. Her face and tone of voice radiated this and I just felt a warmth when she spoke about it.
Now, am I going to tell V. all of these warm fuzzy feelings that went into this decision? Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, he would probably go into convulsions and never recover. I mean, trust me, I've been through labor before and even with this doula, I'm not picturing that it's going to be some big long kumbaya moment. But if I was to tell V. all of this, that's what he would picture and be dreading it. For all his teasing, he is fine with it. He knows I'm not really good about asking for help and that if I think this will help, it must be worthwhile. He also knows that I don't make decisions lightly nor do I spend hundreds of dollars without a really good reason based on research, pros and cons, and my gut instinct. It's maybe once a year or every two years that I announce a big ticket purchase and believe me, I have the list of reasons why we should. Not that he requires that of me but that's how both of our minds work and it saves lots and lots of "should we? shouldn't we?" conversations that neither of us has the words left over for and energy to participate in. We both just like to cut to the chase and move on.
How this turned into a dissection of our marital decision making, I'm not sure. Before I get going on some other tangent, I'm going to stop so I can relax my brain and head to bed. After my bowl of cereal with berries of course...I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I look forward to it. When V.'s not here, it's almost the highlight of my evenings. So pathetic!
Yesterday, when I saw the first doula, I felt calm. She was visibly soothing to me. Weird, huh? It's hard to explain but like I said yesterday, she had this calm, peaceful aura about her even before she spoke. She offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks (where we met) which was nice and she complimented me on how well I looked for being almost 10 weeks along. Since right now I don't look particularly pregnant, just bulky and thick, I really appreciated that and it made me feel proud of myself. And you know, that's part of a doula's job in the thick of things - to make you have pride and feel confidence in yourself that you can do this labor thing. So it gave me a little sneak peek.
Another thing was that she only takes on one mother a month. Today's doula takes on four a month and talked about "building her business". Now I understand that this is her business and that's fine with me. But when the other one was talking, I could feel that she wasn't in it as a business (obviously not if you only take one person a month). She was it because she loved it and felt it was her life's calling/work. Her face and tone of voice radiated this and I just felt a warmth when she spoke about it.
Now, am I going to tell V. all of these warm fuzzy feelings that went into this decision? Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, he would probably go into convulsions and never recover. I mean, trust me, I've been through labor before and even with this doula, I'm not picturing that it's going to be some big long kumbaya moment. But if I was to tell V. all of this, that's what he would picture and be dreading it. For all his teasing, he is fine with it. He knows I'm not really good about asking for help and that if I think this will help, it must be worthwhile. He also knows that I don't make decisions lightly nor do I spend hundreds of dollars without a really good reason based on research, pros and cons, and my gut instinct. It's maybe once a year or every two years that I announce a big ticket purchase and believe me, I have the list of reasons why we should. Not that he requires that of me but that's how both of our minds work and it saves lots and lots of "should we? shouldn't we?" conversations that neither of us has the words left over for and energy to participate in. We both just like to cut to the chase and move on.
How this turned into a dissection of our marital decision making, I'm not sure. Before I get going on some other tangent, I'm going to stop so I can relax my brain and head to bed. After my bowl of cereal with berries of course...I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I look forward to it. When V.'s not here, it's almost the highlight of my evenings. So pathetic!
Doula Interview Part 1
I had the meeting with the first doula yesterday and it went well. For someone like myself who isn't the most extroverted, socially confident, verbose person in the world, I was a little concerned that it would be awkward to sit down, have coffee, and chat with a total stranger. But it wasn't bad at all. I felt comfortable with her and she had a calm aura about her because she is a doula you know. So I relaxed and we talked. Today is the second person and we'll see how that one goes.
One thing I got out of yesterday's discussion was that I feel pretty confident that I could have a much better labor process than I had with I. Of course, considering the last time, that's a safe assumption. V. is still making fun of me but not in a cruel way, just in a way that he has an opportunity to do so and is making the most of it. He says, "Did you tell her that she was going to be 1 of 5 doulas you were having?" He makes it sound like one will be massaging my feet, one peeling grapes, one massaging me, etc. Yeah, he's a funny guy. I told him that he should be encouraging me to get one since it'll take the pressure and expectations off of him. But it's an opportunity to tease and he never misses one.
I'm looking forward to my insurance paid massage this afternoon but it also reminded me that I need to shave my legs. One cannot have a massage with stubbly legs. With V. gone and it being cold at night, I just have foregone the leg shaving. Once a week when V. is home and that's about it for the week unless for some reason I get a wild hair about it. Hee hee a wild hair about shaving...
One thing I got out of yesterday's discussion was that I feel pretty confident that I could have a much better labor process than I had with I. Of course, considering the last time, that's a safe assumption. V. is still making fun of me but not in a cruel way, just in a way that he has an opportunity to do so and is making the most of it. He says, "Did you tell her that she was going to be 1 of 5 doulas you were having?" He makes it sound like one will be massaging my feet, one peeling grapes, one massaging me, etc. Yeah, he's a funny guy. I told him that he should be encouraging me to get one since it'll take the pressure and expectations off of him. But it's an opportunity to tease and he never misses one.
I'm looking forward to my insurance paid massage this afternoon but it also reminded me that I need to shave my legs. One cannot have a massage with stubbly legs. With V. gone and it being cold at night, I just have foregone the leg shaving. Once a week when V. is home and that's about it for the week unless for some reason I get a wild hair about it. Hee hee a wild hair about shaving...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tick Tick
My time is running out, my time of wearing my "normal" clothes, more specifically my pants. I'm still fitting in them but I can feel it getting snugger. It's funny how the first time you're just dying to get into maternity clothes. I laughed when I looked in my pregnancy journal from last time and I had already put on a maternity top to wear to a function. This time, I'm trying to delay dragging that box out of the garage, the one semi-full of maternity clothes. It's not that I dislike maternity clothes 'cause I don't. Actually what I don't like is the stage I'm at now. Expanding but not identifiable as pregnant - just kind of thick in the middle. Believe me, I'm not wishing to be farther along because I know what awaits me, how fast it will go, and the infinite number of complications, logistics, and exhaustion that is at the end of this process.
I will just try to be happily "thick" and enjoy each day of being a mother of one. While I still can.
I will just try to be happily "thick" and enjoy each day of being a mother of one. While I still can.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday Reentry
Today should be a good reentry into the week. It's no good when Monday is full of shoulds and have-tos - that just sets the tone for the whole week. At least for me it does. Sometimes I have no choice but this week I did.
We start with gymnastics for I. which she loves and I do too. Not only because I get to watch her but also because in between watching her, I read a book or magazine. It just makes for a nice way to continue my mind waking process. Because as anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person, which is hard when you have a vivacious kid who is. I. is just "on" until she's not. And then boy, you had better be close to her bed so that you can launch her in there or she will blow!
After gymnastics, we head to the chiropractor so both of us can get straightened out. Then while I. eats lunch in the back of the car, we'll head over to the movie theater to meet my mom, who hopefully won't be too late, and see "Tangled" before it leaves the movie theater. Afterwards, my mom is going to come over to see a few things at our house since she hasn't been over for awhile (thanks to my bitch sister). I'm hoping that will take us up to I.'s dinner and bed time because then I will be home free. Well, we'll see about that...
I say that because for the last couple of weeks, I. has been pushing the limit at bedtime. She gets to call me one time and then that's it. Well, she's been calling me that one time for just an extra kiss and then calling again for another poopoo expedition. Then she'll start saying that's she's hungry and she'll keep saying it until I threaten to close the door. Eventually that gets her to stop but by then I'm pissed and irritated. Keep in mind when it comes to the hungry thing that it's BS because she says it even after going to On The Border for chips, a full kids' meal (you know, up to 12 years old) and a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. I mean, come on, she's 5 years old. So I know she's had enough food.
So last night while I was getting her ready for bed and V. was there, I told her that if she called me after poopoos or started throwing a fit about being hungry when she had plenty to eat that the door would be closed end of story. After getting her in bed and getting in the shower, she called V. in for poops and afterwards started with the "I'm hungry" bit and V. shut the door. Almost one hour to the minute, she finally stopped crying loudly and fell asleep. Painful and irritating at the time but I anticipate that I won't need to do much more than threaten a door closure to get the behavior to stop for the next several months. At least I hope so...
We start with gymnastics for I. which she loves and I do too. Not only because I get to watch her but also because in between watching her, I read a book or magazine. It just makes for a nice way to continue my mind waking process. Because as anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person, which is hard when you have a vivacious kid who is. I. is just "on" until she's not. And then boy, you had better be close to her bed so that you can launch her in there or she will blow!
After gymnastics, we head to the chiropractor so both of us can get straightened out. Then while I. eats lunch in the back of the car, we'll head over to the movie theater to meet my mom, who hopefully won't be too late, and see "Tangled" before it leaves the movie theater. Afterwards, my mom is going to come over to see a few things at our house since she hasn't been over for awhile (thanks to my bitch sister). I'm hoping that will take us up to I.'s dinner and bed time because then I will be home free. Well, we'll see about that...
I say that because for the last couple of weeks, I. has been pushing the limit at bedtime. She gets to call me one time and then that's it. Well, she's been calling me that one time for just an extra kiss and then calling again for another poopoo expedition. Then she'll start saying that's she's hungry and she'll keep saying it until I threaten to close the door. Eventually that gets her to stop but by then I'm pissed and irritated. Keep in mind when it comes to the hungry thing that it's BS because she says it even after going to On The Border for chips, a full kids' meal (you know, up to 12 years old) and a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. I mean, come on, she's 5 years old. So I know she's had enough food.
So last night while I was getting her ready for bed and V. was there, I told her that if she called me after poopoos or started throwing a fit about being hungry when she had plenty to eat that the door would be closed end of story. After getting her in bed and getting in the shower, she called V. in for poops and afterwards started with the "I'm hungry" bit and V. shut the door. Almost one hour to the minute, she finally stopped crying loudly and fell asleep. Painful and irritating at the time but I anticipate that I won't need to do much more than threaten a door closure to get the behavior to stop for the next several months. At least I hope so...
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