Mixed Bag

Let's start with the good, the all good. Today we celebrated, as a family, I.'s 4th birthday and she had a blast. Her sisters weren't able to come but her grandparents, uncle, daddy and mommy were there so it was still good. I. and I decorated together for the party and then we got her into her special party girl dress. She looked beautiful but a little unsure as to what was to come:



I love how she is not spoiled - she is tickled pink when she sees presents that she knows are for her, even if it's just a few. She was so happy to see her momma's homemade cake even though it wasn't anything spectacular, though full of love.



It was a great day all around, even the weather cooperated with some nice, cool fall weather.

Tomorrow, we're (my parents, V., I., and I) are going to go to Legoland for her big birthday present and I am really excited. This will be her very first amusement park experience and I plan on capturing as much of it as possible because I know she is going to be blown away. So many of her friends have been to Disneyland multiple times already but I wanted to wait until she was ready and able to appreciate and remember this exciting experience. This will be the first year that she will be tall enough to enjoy almost all of Legoland's rides and she will definitely remember it. I'm so thankful that I can see her experience this first moment (compared to the first year, the "firsts" are few and far between).

On another positive note, V. and I attended I.'s very first parent/teacher conference. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we first got together that we would be attending our child's parent/teacher conference? Pretty funny! The news was really good - despite I. being the youngest of all 16 of the kids, she's doing great on all fronts. She listens, participates, speaks up, is kind and thoughtful, and is socially active. She is SO past where I was in kindergarten. Her teachers were impressed because she's doing so well AND she's the youngest. She really is something else and I'm so proud to be her momma!

The only downside of this week was an underlying feeling of something not being "quite right" with V. and I but not knowing what it was. Part of it was that V. was having a hard time getting into our time zone. I mentally understand and sympathize, since I would fair MUCH worse on the time change, but it just seems that when he is forced to start working quickly, he acclimates much more quickly. If it's just "us" at home, then he sleeps from 6pm-11pm, is up all night and ready for bed at 9am. If it was just us, two adults, fine but try explaining that to a 3 year old who wants nothing more than to spend time with her daddy who has been gone for 3-4 weeks.

Last night brought things to a head since this morning I had already been thinking while on the treadmill, that while V. was physically here, we were still essentially living separate lives and that was not okay with me. V. sealed his fate last night by first trying to assert "his schedule" on top of I.'s birthday weekend schedule. He began inquiring what the birthday schedule was this weekend so that he could start thrusting his haircut and gym schedule on top of it. So as the Mama Bear, I told him that this weekend was about I. not him and that his schedule for once was going to fit around hers. He took offense to my comment that "it wasn't all about him this weekend, it was all about her". Later this same night he informed me that he was planning on taking the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present next year and that I. was optional as determined by me since this would be her first HUGE time change vacation. Since this was the first I'd heard of this, I asked when he had thought about this and he said 6 months ago which led to the "discussion" that I was tired of him acting as though he was an independent agent, making decisions and living his life as though we needed to "fit into" his schedule rather than him acclimating into our family life. This is the whole issue with us lately it seems. He lives on his own over there for a month at a time, comes home for a week or so, and then goes back to being a work android. Well, that's not good enough - while he's there I still have to be the momma, the disciplinarian, the wife and financial advisor. When he's there, he has to be the worker and about a tenth of a husband. We've got to work this out better because between the attitude and the jet lag, even while V. is here, we're living separate lives.

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.

Another Good Day

I. and I have been having many more good days together. I think it has something to do with school but I'm not sure what exactly is causing it. She has been less defiant which has been so much better than the last 6 months or so.

Yesterday we had to stand in line for 3 hours to get her H1N1 and seasonal flu shot (3rd try at this) and she was really good. I thought it was going to be absolutely torturous but she held it together, ran home for me to make her lunch to eat in the car and her to change into shorts, got her to school on time miraculously, and then headed to PT. It was a special day at school for her, many different activities in different classrooms and I wanted to see it too so after PT, I went back to her school and spent the last hour helping out.

When I walked in, her face registered utter surprise and then lit up. From that moment on, I could tell she was completely jazzed that I was there and wanted to show me everything, play with me, and sit in my lap. It was special because I'm smart enough to know that these days are limited. I'm glad I did it because today I got lots more kisses and affection and she volunteered to help with various tasks cheerfully. A much easier day than normal. Tonight while she was eating dinner, she said, "I want you to come to church with me Momma. (she has 15 min. of chapel once a week) I like when you come to church with me." My heart swelled, my eyes teared up a little and I said, "I like when I come to church with you too Sweetie."

This is what being a mother is all about. The personal sacrifices, the frustrations, the sleepless nights, and exhaustion...it all comes down to this - she craves my presence as much as I crave hers. Truly beautiful!

A Nice Surprise and A Good Day

Today turned into a really good day for me. This morning we met some momma friends at a pumpkin patch for a couple of hours of fun and it was really nice. I. had a really fun time and it was nice to see some friends too. We even had time for I. to eat her lunch at the patch before going to preschool as opposed to in the car like I had anticipated.

A good guy friend of mine, the one that I'm closest to now that Mark is gone, and I traded text messages earlier today and while I was at the pumpkin patch, I texted him the question of whether he could sneak out for lunch today since we've been trying unsuccessfully since Labor Day. Turns out, he could and we did! I took I. to preschool, stayed for chapel and then met him for lunch. This was the first time in four years that I had met him without I. being there which changes the dynamics significantly. So we had lunch, just me and T. as adults. It was so much fun and it was like old times. It made my day and I gave some thought as to why - yes, he's my friend and we always enjoy each other's company but it was more than that. It comforted me because we have a shared history from the past 10-11 years that we refer back to and laugh about - roughly the same time period as Mark and I. And while they aren't the same memories that Mark and I had, it's still that same difficult time period where my friends truly helped keep me alive.

T. was the first one to show up and sit with me in the hospital the first time I tried to no longer be here and I can still remember him holding my hand, talking quietly to me with tears in his eyes. T. was a tough police sergeant so this was a real eye opener for me and caused me much pain. He was the one who took first shift with me so that I would be allowed out of the hospital. He took me to my apartment, was there when my boss called and caused so much stress on me that I hung up on him, and then held me as I sobbed. My other friend B., also in the PD, took second shift until V. could arrive from LA to take over (keep in mind, V. and I were broken up at this time but he loyally came to my aid immediately).

Not to say that I don't need some good momma friends, but this period of my life is so crucial even to my life today, that having 3 of the 4 men who surrounded, supported, loved, and tried their best to protect me is really important to me. Now that Mark is gone, I realize this all the more and am more thankful for the times I get to spend with them.

Good Memory Making

The last several days, I've been busy making good memories with I. Thursday, we went to Chuck E. Cheese to play, Friday we went on a Hornblower boat cruise, Saturday we had a Country Fair at I.'s preschool, and yesterday we went to the Kidtoons movie in the morning and made Halloween cookies in the afternoon. I know it's not about "doing" all the time with your child, they enjoy just "being" with you so in between these things, we've been reading, snuggling, and putting puzzles together. I'm kind of like a whirling dervish now when it comes to my goal of making memories with I.

Part of this is now that she has started preschool, I see my time just starting to be limited and will get more so as the years pass. I figure it's now or never. Of course, part of it, how much so I'm not sure, is that maybe I don't have very much time left with her, a direct result of Mark dying. You just never know. I try not to dwell on this side of the thought or it'll depress me but on the positive side, having a "now or maybe never" approach to my time with her has been good.

The nights of this weekend were a little tough as they usually are when V. is gone. I find myself struggling with Mark's death more on the weekends too so I've given some thought as to why that might be. Here are my top 3 thoughts:

1. When V. is gone, I miss him which leads the "missing" emotions to spill over onto Mark.

2. I used to call Mark on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle and I always remember that on Saturday evenings.

3. Since V. has been gone so much, I. and I would take the opportunity to visit with Mark on the weekends, especially Sundays and that comes to mind every Sunday it seems.

It didn't help that in Sunday's newspaper was an article talking to the friends of a CHP officer who was killed due to a stuck accelerator. I read the whole article and got to the last sentence which read, "The most difficult part is knowing that I can never talk to Mark again."

You know when you do a big exhale and your body just sags forward and down? Well, that was the physical reaction I had when I read that sentence followed by the emotions of disbelief, anger, and then sadness. I cut it out and as I've read it throughout the last 2 days, I now feel some solace in the fact that someone else feels about their Mark how I feel about my Mark. That makes me feel just a little better.

Sweet and Sour

I enjoyed the fall weather today greatly. I.'s sisters were here this morning so she wanted to stay with them instead of going with me to the gym. I took full advantage and opened up the moon roof, blasted the music and enjoyed the warm sun and cool air all by myself.

For some reason, I had Mark on my mind. I didn't have dreams about him but he was on my mind all day and it made me a little sad. I don't know if it was because I used to call him on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle or because I was enjoying the fall weather. I suspect the latter though. I find myself enjoying something so small and then realizing that Mark will no longer experience it and it bums me out. I feel guilty in a way that I'm still here and he's not. I'm still confused that Jodi has still not called me back and I don't want to keep calling. I have not and never will be the pursuer. You either want me or you don't, it's that simple.

This is such a confusing time for me. I'm starting to feel more normal more often but then sadness and grief descend on me and I struggle to deal with the 180 degree of emotions. I don't let V. know these feelings exist because he won't understand it because he needs logic (as I do) but logic doesn't seem to hold true during grief. It's just loosey-goosey and I HATE it. Really, I do because I like to know what's coming so I can prepare myself for better or worse and right now I just get hit upside the head with thoughts and negative emotions without any logical, mental reasons to explain why.

WHY? WHY? Please give me a break, I need a break, please let me just enjoy the smallest of pleasures without feeling guilt or sadness. Life is about the small things in life - Mark and I talked about that and I still believe that.

Back From Vegas

V. and I got back from Vegas yesterday after 3 nights there and we had a great time! Yes, we did drink too much but I had gotten a hold of some pills called "Chasers" that are supposed to prevent hangovers by absorbing the alcohol and I have to say, those suckers worked! Neither of us had any bad symptoms as a result of our debauchery. Awesome! All the fun without paying the price; can't beat that!

Saturday, we had a romantic, funny bath, went to a yummy special dinner and then to a great show that my dad had recommended and enjoyed it a lot. Sunday was spent watching a lot of football and then had dinner and gambled a bit. Monday, we wandered around the Grand Canal shops and St. Mark's Square, which was really cool, reading menus to decide on dinner. V. needed a nap in the afternoon and I had a free pass to the spa so off I went for a few hours of relaxation (and yes, I did splurge on a massage too). It truly was decadent!

We stayed at the Venetian and it was awesome.

Our room was was amazing -remote control draperies, huge room, opulent etc.

It was good to come home and be with I. again and although she had a blast at my parents' house, she was definitely glad to be back with her momma and daddy because boy was she nice, loving, and obedient today! Tomorrow V. and I are going to pick her up at school and have an open house time with I. and her teachers. She is really excited to show us everything so that will be a fun time.

V. will be flying out on Monday morning after our 6th wedding anniversary on Sunday. All this fun that we've been having makes it harder when he leaves. In fact, today I was already getting sad. It was just such a short visit (10 days) and though I haven't asked, I think this is going to be a month long trip so that's even harder. Time to start planning fun things for I. and I to make the time pass more easily, not faster because time is passing too quickly as it is, just easier.