Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day for many unrelated reasons. First, I'm still under the weather which always make the day that much more challenging. Second, V. should find out tomorrow if the jerks out in Saudi will finally give approval to "go live" which has to happen before he can come home. Meanwhile, his time off is slowly ticking away and his trip to China is getting closer. Extremely frustrating to say the least. Third, my mom, who has been having some serious health problems, will be getting results back from tests she had done last week and hopefully things will be okay and can be corrected.
Last but definitely not least, tomorrow Mark would have turned 40. I miss him. I wish we could have approached this milestone birthday together. We both had minor issues with birthdays and having each other there being the same age always helped. Tomorrow morning I. and I will go get some purple (his favorite color), yellow, and white flowers and take them to his gravesite. I will try to keep in mind that this is such a good opportunity to teach I. that it's sad to lose a friend but that death is not a frightening thing in and of itself. When she asked what we were doing tomorrow (as she always asks), I told her that we were going to take flowers to where Mark's body was in the ground. She said, "But Momma, Mark's in heaven!" and I agreed with her that his soul, what made him my friend, was in heaven with God but he had to leave his body here with us on earth. Then we talked about how he would be looking down from heaven and would see us bring him flowers. Her face lit up and she said, "Ooh, Momma, he's gonna like our flowers!" That innocent comment from such a sweet heart almost did me in. We'll see how well I do tomorrow - it'll be the first time I've been to his gravesite since he died so I anticipate lots of memories coming to mind.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Cheap Fun + From the Heart
Today we were supposed to go to Sea World with some momma friends but when that didn't pan out, we found ourselves with a completely unstructured day. No gym today since I was pretty sore and was coming down with a throat virus so it was up to I. and I to figure out what we wanted to do.
Since we had recently gone to Sea World, we decided to use a coupon a friend gave us for the Children's Museum downtown. We enjoyed our time there and then went next door for some pancakes for lunch - blueberry for I. and pecan for me. Yummy!
Because we don't find ourselves downtown very often, after lunch we wandered around looking at all the new residential high-rises that have popped up in the recent years and I was pointing out some of the really tall hotels to I. Then it hit me. I. has never been in a big fancy hotel in her life. Lots of restaurants, some timeshares, and cabins has been her repetoire so far. With that knowledge in mind, we strolled into the Hyatt, took the elevator up to the 38th floor and admired the views for awhile. Then we walked a little more over to Embassy Suites so that we could ride the glass elevator up and down after doing an interior lap on the top floor. Completely free entertainment and it was all first time stuff for I. - you just can't beat that!
When we were walking around the Hyatt, I. asked me if I had ever been in nice hotels and I told her that when I was working, I used to go to nice hotels often for meetings. Then I told her that I would rather be with her and be her mommy than go to all these nice hotels for meetings. The best parts were that one, after I said that, she hugged my legs so she "got it" and two, I meant every word I said.
The only downsides to the day is that this virus is hitting me hard and I'm going to bed soon 'cause I feel really lousy and one of my momma friends is in the process of losing her mother to cancer and I can't get her out of my mind. It brings up that whole last week with Mark and it doesn't help that his 40th birthday would have been on this coming Monday so he already was on my mind. Knowing what she is going through just makes my heart hurt and the fact that it's her mother brings a whole new level of empathy for her. The only thing I hope for is that what I went through with Mark will allow me to pay it forward in the future and help others in some way.
Since we had recently gone to Sea World, we decided to use a coupon a friend gave us for the Children's Museum downtown. We enjoyed our time there and then went next door for some pancakes for lunch - blueberry for I. and pecan for me. Yummy!
Because we don't find ourselves downtown very often, after lunch we wandered around looking at all the new residential high-rises that have popped up in the recent years and I was pointing out some of the really tall hotels to I. Then it hit me. I. has never been in a big fancy hotel in her life. Lots of restaurants, some timeshares, and cabins has been her repetoire so far. With that knowledge in mind, we strolled into the Hyatt, took the elevator up to the 38th floor and admired the views for awhile. Then we walked a little more over to Embassy Suites so that we could ride the glass elevator up and down after doing an interior lap on the top floor. Completely free entertainment and it was all first time stuff for I. - you just can't beat that!
When we were walking around the Hyatt, I. asked me if I had ever been in nice hotels and I told her that when I was working, I used to go to nice hotels often for meetings. Then I told her that I would rather be with her and be her mommy than go to all these nice hotels for meetings. The best parts were that one, after I said that, she hugged my legs so she "got it" and two, I meant every word I said.
The only downsides to the day is that this virus is hitting me hard and I'm going to bed soon 'cause I feel really lousy and one of my momma friends is in the process of losing her mother to cancer and I can't get her out of my mind. It brings up that whole last week with Mark and it doesn't help that his 40th birthday would have been on this coming Monday so he already was on my mind. Knowing what she is going through just makes my heart hurt and the fact that it's her mother brings a whole new level of empathy for her. The only thing I hope for is that what I went through with Mark will allow me to pay it forward in the future and help others in some way.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
New Hope, Old Demons
It's only Wednesday but I have finally found out what the rest of my year will probably look like.
V. should be coming home mid-late week next week and won't have to go to China until 3/1. He told his boss he wanted the rest of February off and not coming out of his vacation time so that is great. I am a little skeptical that he won't be working at all for the month but am making a list of fun things to do so we have that to draw from. China is only to be until July when he will have a permanent position heading a business unit based in San Diego. So there is our chance at a normal life.
That's the good part - I have hope. The old demons arose this morning at the gym when I spoke with V. and he springs it on me that he and 2 other guys are going to Bahrain for the next 2 days. I'm totally taken by surprised since he's been there for 14 months and has never talked about Bahrain and now that he's coming home next week, he's going there? Bahrain is Saudi Arabia's Las Vegas as he explained it to me many months ago. Unfortunately for him I remembered that description and told him I wasn't too thrilled about him going over there now after we've been apart 10 weeks. Talk about crappy timing. It's not that I think he'll do anything concrete but the fact that he's going someplace with bars, nightclubs, and women when we've been apart for so long doesn't make me happy - AT ALL. I bit my tongue tonight and tried to stay as neutral as I could but my insecurities about the hits our marriage's foundation has taken these past 14 months and the fact that he's seen me 2-3 times in the last 10 weeks and always first thing in the morning (when I look like what the cat has barfed up) does not bolster my confidence that I will remain first and foremost in his mind in the midst of a bar scene. With my past experiences, this is the worst case scenario for me. My natural tendency is to distrust all men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater. In fact, they are my favorite creatures but it actually has made it worse as a woman because I really do know how they think and act. Great for hanging out with the guys, not so great to be married to a guy.
I don't even know what to say at this point. I guess I'll wait for the phone calls, go on with my days raising our daughter and maybe when he gets back, we'll discuss why he decided now to go to Bahrain of all times.
V. should be coming home mid-late week next week and won't have to go to China until 3/1. He told his boss he wanted the rest of February off and not coming out of his vacation time so that is great. I am a little skeptical that he won't be working at all for the month but am making a list of fun things to do so we have that to draw from. China is only to be until July when he will have a permanent position heading a business unit based in San Diego. So there is our chance at a normal life.
That's the good part - I have hope. The old demons arose this morning at the gym when I spoke with V. and he springs it on me that he and 2 other guys are going to Bahrain for the next 2 days. I'm totally taken by surprised since he's been there for 14 months and has never talked about Bahrain and now that he's coming home next week, he's going there? Bahrain is Saudi Arabia's Las Vegas as he explained it to me many months ago. Unfortunately for him I remembered that description and told him I wasn't too thrilled about him going over there now after we've been apart 10 weeks. Talk about crappy timing. It's not that I think he'll do anything concrete but the fact that he's going someplace with bars, nightclubs, and women when we've been apart for so long doesn't make me happy - AT ALL. I bit my tongue tonight and tried to stay as neutral as I could but my insecurities about the hits our marriage's foundation has taken these past 14 months and the fact that he's seen me 2-3 times in the last 10 weeks and always first thing in the morning (when I look like what the cat has barfed up) does not bolster my confidence that I will remain first and foremost in his mind in the midst of a bar scene. With my past experiences, this is the worst case scenario for me. My natural tendency is to distrust all men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater. In fact, they are my favorite creatures but it actually has made it worse as a woman because I really do know how they think and act. Great for hanging out with the guys, not so great to be married to a guy.
I don't even know what to say at this point. I guess I'll wait for the phone calls, go on with my days raising our daughter and maybe when he gets back, we'll discuss why he decided now to go to Bahrain of all times.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Weekend Hodge Podge
Wrapping up another weekend...a pretty good one. It finally stopped raining so we were able to go out and about without aggravation both weekend days. I saw there was a cat show at the local fairgrounds and thought that would be a neat thing for I. and I to go and browse and then go to a favorite Mexican restaurant near the fairgrounds afterwards. Since my dad is in the pet industry, I thought I'd see if they'd like to go with us plus I knew I. would be thrilled. They agreed and then told me this hilarious story that I must capture here for posterity.
They went to get some specialty health screenings since they are very obsessive with taking care of themselves. Obsessive may be the wrong word since it's good that they want to take care of themselves. I guess I label it "obsessive" because in essence, they are deathly afraid of getting older and fight it tooth or nail to the point that they are completely age-phobic. So, they show it and are asked to provide ID before the tests are done. Keep in mind, my parents are in their early 60's. So when asked to provide ID, what do they pull out? THEIR LEGOLAND ANNUAL PASSES!!! Oh my gosh, my mom said that and I just howled, thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard, and every time I picture it in my head I start chuckling all over again. They have just gone over the deep end and I told them that. I said this was the step before people start robbing banks with Nixon masks on. Is it any wonder that I'm having a hard time with turning 40 in a couple of short months?! Really, do I even have a chance with these kind of people around me?
Back to the cat show, we had a good time and my dad made a couple of vendor contacts and we enjoyed our early dinner too. All was well until I was driving I. and I home and I just got bummed out because V. wasn't here with us. When I was at the cat show, a couple caught my eye with their year old daughter. They were enjoying watching her try to walk and were being affectionate with one another. It was hard for me to stop watching them and it made me feel bad. Then when we were seated at the restaurant in a booth (my dad, my mom, Isabella and then me), the waiter came up to see how many waters we needed and he looked at me, gestured next to me and said, "Are we expecting anyone else or is this is?" I said, "No, this is it." I'm tired of it "this is it".
Today we went to the gym and then to see "The Princess and the Frog" movie. It's been out for a while and I. has seen the commercials for it. While she seemed interested in it, she never asked to be taken to see it (how refreshing). So when I told her this morning that we were going to see it, she was tickled and told everyone at the gym that she was going to see it. We bought that evil popcorn which she ate her weight in with her left hand while holding my hand with her right hand. There is just something about holding a little girl's hand that I will never tire of. I don't know if it feels the same as a little boy's hand but when she wants to hold my hand, I just stare at it, trying to engrave that visual memory in my brain forever.
Some moments in my day may seem to go on forever at times but the precious ones go by so quickly and make me remember that I need to savor these days with I. even more than I usually do because I'll blink and she'll be on her own.
They went to get some specialty health screenings since they are very obsessive with taking care of themselves. Obsessive may be the wrong word since it's good that they want to take care of themselves. I guess I label it "obsessive" because in essence, they are deathly afraid of getting older and fight it tooth or nail to the point that they are completely age-phobic. So, they show it and are asked to provide ID before the tests are done. Keep in mind, my parents are in their early 60's. So when asked to provide ID, what do they pull out? THEIR LEGOLAND ANNUAL PASSES!!! Oh my gosh, my mom said that and I just howled, thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard, and every time I picture it in my head I start chuckling all over again. They have just gone over the deep end and I told them that. I said this was the step before people start robbing banks with Nixon masks on. Is it any wonder that I'm having a hard time with turning 40 in a couple of short months?! Really, do I even have a chance with these kind of people around me?
Back to the cat show, we had a good time and my dad made a couple of vendor contacts and we enjoyed our early dinner too. All was well until I was driving I. and I home and I just got bummed out because V. wasn't here with us. When I was at the cat show, a couple caught my eye with their year old daughter. They were enjoying watching her try to walk and were being affectionate with one another. It was hard for me to stop watching them and it made me feel bad. Then when we were seated at the restaurant in a booth (my dad, my mom, Isabella and then me), the waiter came up to see how many waters we needed and he looked at me, gestured next to me and said, "Are we expecting anyone else or is this is?" I said, "No, this is it." I'm tired of it "this is it".
Today we went to the gym and then to see "The Princess and the Frog" movie. It's been out for a while and I. has seen the commercials for it. While she seemed interested in it, she never asked to be taken to see it (how refreshing). So when I told her this morning that we were going to see it, she was tickled and told everyone at the gym that she was going to see it. We bought that evil popcorn which she ate her weight in with her left hand while holding my hand with her right hand. There is just something about holding a little girl's hand that I will never tire of. I don't know if it feels the same as a little boy's hand but when she wants to hold my hand, I just stare at it, trying to engrave that visual memory in my brain forever.
Some moments in my day may seem to go on forever at times but the precious ones go by so quickly and make me remember that I need to savor these days with I. even more than I usually do because I'll blink and she'll be on her own.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What Does This Mean?
What does it mean when the most recent "toy" you have gotten is a Oral B Professional Electric Toothbrush? I really want to know. You know the saddest part? I'm actually excited about it. You see I went to the dentist last Wednesday and was subjected to a torturously comprehensive cleaning thanks to an overly ambitious dental hygenist. I mean, this woman was something else. After scraping, poking, and scaling in a most painful way my entire bottom jaw, she asks,"Would you like some numbing gel now before I start on the top?" NOW you ask after 20 minutes of agony? So what do I say? "Naw." Translation: "It's too damn late now, I've made it this far. Thanks for asking 20 minutes ago!" After all this fun, she warns me that I need to come back in 3 months with a much healthier mouth or else. No I didn't ask what "or else" entailed as I've been down that road before about 20 years ago (and obviously have never forgotten).
Now don't get me wrong, I've got a good set of teeth I must say. Not just the normal set of course - I've got all 4 wisdom teeth, despite every dentist I know wanting to yank 'em, plus the bonus baby tooth. It's not an extra tooth, just one that never felt like falling out and is just hanging around for as long as it can. I feel protective of it. Obviously it's been around since I was 2 and deserves some recognition and pampering. I have no fillings, never had a cavity. So I'm proud of my teeth and at this point in my life, I have no desire to find out what it is like to have a novocaine shot, a tooth pulled, a root canal, or a cavity filled. NONE WHATSOEVER to the point where I think I've developed a phobia.
Which brings me back to my newest toy - my $80 toothbrush (well, it came with 2 so it's really only $40, good rationalizing). This thing gives you a 30 second heads -up when you need to switch to your next mouth quandrant and turns off after the recommended 2 minutes. I didn't even know my mouth had quandrants until I read the 15 page manual that came with this baby. I'm surprised it doesn't just download the info straight to the dentist's office so that when you show up for your appointment, there is no discussion, just straight to the "or else". But I am determined and have made this into a challenge. I have flossed daily since my appointment (all 7 days), got the tartar control toothpaste, and have rinsed daily with something to help prevent plaque build-up. This Cadillac toothbrush is the last piece in my quest for dental perfection. I have 'til April 15th to conduct this experiment and I swear on my Honda Pilot that if I go in there and they don't say that my mouth is in exquisite, pristine condition, I'm gonna be one hacked off dental patient.
Going back to my first sentence of what it means that my latest toy is a toothbrush, what in the world will be my next toy? Reading glasses?! Not if I can help it....
Now don't get me wrong, I've got a good set of teeth I must say. Not just the normal set of course - I've got all 4 wisdom teeth, despite every dentist I know wanting to yank 'em, plus the bonus baby tooth. It's not an extra tooth, just one that never felt like falling out and is just hanging around for as long as it can. I feel protective of it. Obviously it's been around since I was 2 and deserves some recognition and pampering. I have no fillings, never had a cavity. So I'm proud of my teeth and at this point in my life, I have no desire to find out what it is like to have a novocaine shot, a tooth pulled, a root canal, or a cavity filled. NONE WHATSOEVER to the point where I think I've developed a phobia.
Which brings me back to my newest toy - my $80 toothbrush (well, it came with 2 so it's really only $40, good rationalizing). This thing gives you a 30 second heads -up when you need to switch to your next mouth quandrant and turns off after the recommended 2 minutes. I didn't even know my mouth had quandrants until I read the 15 page manual that came with this baby. I'm surprised it doesn't just download the info straight to the dentist's office so that when you show up for your appointment, there is no discussion, just straight to the "or else". But I am determined and have made this into a challenge. I have flossed daily since my appointment (all 7 days), got the tartar control toothpaste, and have rinsed daily with something to help prevent plaque build-up. This Cadillac toothbrush is the last piece in my quest for dental perfection. I have 'til April 15th to conduct this experiment and I swear on my Honda Pilot that if I go in there and they don't say that my mouth is in exquisite, pristine condition, I'm gonna be one hacked off dental patient.
Going back to my first sentence of what it means that my latest toy is a toothbrush, what in the world will be my next toy? Reading glasses?! Not if I can help it....
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Lesson In Appreciation
Today I really felt like I did a good job as a Momma. Not only did I carve out time to sit down and play with I., I think I also conveyed a message that is very important to me: how to be appreciative.
Yesterday afternoon during the deluge of the storm, I looked out at our back patio and was dismayed to see tons of water pouring into it via the rain gutter above it. I called the property management company and left a message that this needed to get fixed. This morning, a woman called back to acknowledge that she got the message and would put in the work order but told me that the people responsible for fixing this don't usually go out in the rain. I wasn't thrilled about that because we were in the middle of the second storm and still had the worst of it ready to hit us tomorrow evening. But, what can you do?
An hour and a half later, I heard something outside and lo and behold, there is some guy on a 2 story ladder cleaning out the rain gutter in the pouring rain with 40 mph. gusts of wind. I. and I had to run 1 quick errand so after putting her in the car seat, I grabbed the umbrella and ran outside the garage to see this guy now on our roof still clearing out the rain gutter. I told him how much I appreciated him doing this and he seemed pleased even 2 stories up.
When we got home, I told I. that I wanted to call the lady back and tell her thank you. I. asked why and I told her because if someone does something nice for you to help you, you should thank them because it will make them happy and they will help you in the future. So I called and thanked the lady and she said,"Is that why you're calling?" I'm a little wary now so I just say,"Well, yeah." and she says,"Rarely does anyone ever call me to say thank you. So thank YOU, you just made my day." That tickled me! When I got off the phone, I. asked what she said and I told her exactly what the lady had said and ended that with "See! Our phone call made that lady really happy." I. had the biggest grin on her face and I did too.
Chalk that up - 1 for appreciation, 0 for entitlement.
Yesterday afternoon during the deluge of the storm, I looked out at our back patio and was dismayed to see tons of water pouring into it via the rain gutter above it. I called the property management company and left a message that this needed to get fixed. This morning, a woman called back to acknowledge that she got the message and would put in the work order but told me that the people responsible for fixing this don't usually go out in the rain. I wasn't thrilled about that because we were in the middle of the second storm and still had the worst of it ready to hit us tomorrow evening. But, what can you do?
An hour and a half later, I heard something outside and lo and behold, there is some guy on a 2 story ladder cleaning out the rain gutter in the pouring rain with 40 mph. gusts of wind. I. and I had to run 1 quick errand so after putting her in the car seat, I grabbed the umbrella and ran outside the garage to see this guy now on our roof still clearing out the rain gutter. I told him how much I appreciated him doing this and he seemed pleased even 2 stories up.
When we got home, I told I. that I wanted to call the lady back and tell her thank you. I. asked why and I told her because if someone does something nice for you to help you, you should thank them because it will make them happy and they will help you in the future. So I called and thanked the lady and she said,"Is that why you're calling?" I'm a little wary now so I just say,"Well, yeah." and she says,"Rarely does anyone ever call me to say thank you. So thank YOU, you just made my day." That tickled me! When I got off the phone, I. asked what she said and I told her exactly what the lady had said and ended that with "See! Our phone call made that lady really happy." I. had the biggest grin on her face and I did too.
Chalk that up - 1 for appreciation, 0 for entitlement.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Found a high school friend of mine (finally!) on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and we've been exchanging emails. At least email-wise, we picked up where we left off 20+ years ago. Many things in common - both married successfully the second time, each have 1 daughter, sarcastic sense of humor, and are tomboys by nature. We got together at my home today and it was like no time had passed. We were chatting up a storm (which isn't my norm), catching up and laughing like we did back in the old days. She is so down to earth, unpretentious, and has this self -deprecating sense of humor that she makes me howl at times. Next week, we hope to meet just the two of us at a restaurant to bring our old letters to each other and let it all hang out. I'm really looking forward to it. It's nice to have someone from that era of my life. I find that as I get older, it's important to have the significant people from my various "lives" in my present life. Another thing Mark's death made important to me.
It was a good day and then I talked with V. tonight and he finally had the answer to a question I've been asking for awhile - "What is your next assignment going to be?" So after dragging it out of him, which irritated me to no end, he tells me that most likely he'll be going to China off and on until July and then he'll be here running a business unit. It's not set in stone and yes, I see July as an end in sight but it just set me off that this asshole company sends a guy with a family straight to China after 18 mths. in Saudi Arabia. I mean, it seems like the military these days is more protective of family life and marriage than this asshole company. So even though July is in sight, I cried because one, it's just another 5 months I wasn't counting on and two, I don't know that I can plan anything in the future (ie. my 40th dog sledding trip). I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold, that I can't plan or look forward to anything, and that my personal life is completely out of my control and up to the demands of this fucking company.
I explain that to V. and he doesn't seem to understand. I don't know what he feels or thinks because all I hear is a big intake of breath and then a loud sigh. What's that? To me, it sounds like the nonverbal way of saying, "I can't do anything about this and I don't need this." which leads to anger and guilt on my part, never a good thing.
Will think more another day, need to rest now....
It was a good day and then I talked with V. tonight and he finally had the answer to a question I've been asking for awhile - "What is your next assignment going to be?" So after dragging it out of him, which irritated me to no end, he tells me that most likely he'll be going to China off and on until July and then he'll be here running a business unit. It's not set in stone and yes, I see July as an end in sight but it just set me off that this asshole company sends a guy with a family straight to China after 18 mths. in Saudi Arabia. I mean, it seems like the military these days is more protective of family life and marriage than this asshole company. So even though July is in sight, I cried because one, it's just another 5 months I wasn't counting on and two, I don't know that I can plan anything in the future (ie. my 40th dog sledding trip). I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold, that I can't plan or look forward to anything, and that my personal life is completely out of my control and up to the demands of this fucking company.
I explain that to V. and he doesn't seem to understand. I don't know what he feels or thinks because all I hear is a big intake of breath and then a loud sigh. What's that? To me, it sounds like the nonverbal way of saying, "I can't do anything about this and I don't need this." which leads to anger and guilt on my part, never a good thing.
Will think more another day, need to rest now....
Friday, January 8, 2010
A Tough Week
An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.
Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.
All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...
This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...
So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.
Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.
All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...
This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...
So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Here's To A Better 2010
Tonight is our last night of our vacation and I. and I have had some really good times. Yesterday, we took the tram up to the snow above Palm Springs and had fun playing in the snow, building mini snowmen, and just sharing another "first" together. Today we went to The Living Desert which is a sort of small zoo and gardens here in Palm Desert. Though I've been coming to the desert ever since I was in elementary school, I have never been because it's always been over 100 degrees when I've been here. So today was another "first" that took place on the 1st as it so happens. It was the perfect size - we saw all the animals, hiked around some of the gardens and paths, went on the carousel, and shared lunch and a popsicle. When we got back to the condo, we even had some time for I. to tool around on her tricycle. A really good day, a really good vacation overall.
I think that this vacation did just what I was hoping it would do - give me something to look forward to, a change of scenery and pace, a break from laundry, trash, and pet responsibilities, and a chance for I. and I to do some things out of the ordinary. I feel like I got enough breathing room to approach next week's routine of school, errands, and responsibilties with renewed energy and patience. I thanked V. tonight for allowing us to do this.
A new year, new hope, new goals...usually I have a hard time thinking up specific resolutions but not this year. I don't know if that's a sign that I've been really screwing up this past year or what but this is a new year so here it goes. My resolutions are:
I think that this vacation did just what I was hoping it would do - give me something to look forward to, a change of scenery and pace, a break from laundry, trash, and pet responsibilities, and a chance for I. and I to do some things out of the ordinary. I feel like I got enough breathing room to approach next week's routine of school, errands, and responsibilties with renewed energy and patience. I thanked V. tonight for allowing us to do this.
A new year, new hope, new goals...usually I have a hard time thinking up specific resolutions but not this year. I don't know if that's a sign that I've been really screwing up this past year or what but this is a new year so here it goes. My resolutions are:
- Take a multivitamin every day.
- Try to eat more well-rounded every day (not just protein bars and shakes).
- Put more of an effort into cooking a nice meal when V. is not here, even if that means leftoevers for a few days (which is fine with me).
- Reduce my alcohol intake.
- Enjoy the present each day. Make my mantra throughout the day be "This is the first day of the rest of your life." I thought this was a more positive take than "This may be the last day of your life." But the thought behind it is essentially the same.
I notice that my resolutions do not include anything about my roles as a wife and mother. Probably nothing as a wife because the past year, all I've been doing is supporting from a long distance, remaining loyal and faithful and basically just hanging in there. Until I see what this year holds, my goals remain the same. On the mother front, I feel like I'm doing a good job. Not perfect, but 99% of the time, my heart is in the right place and I consistently communicate to I. how much I love her, like her and am proud of her. On the flip side, I run a tight ship when it comes to discipline. I don't spank her, rarely yell these days but I do expect her respect without attitude. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of teaching her how to handle the harsh realities of life with a blend of empathy, love, and a "screw you, I don't need you anyway" type of attitude all rolled into one. Of course, I don't say the "screw you" part but just as little boys often learn first how to stick up for themselves physically, I think it's important for my little girl to learn how to be emotionally strong to withstand the coming (and in some cases, they have already come) blows to her compassionate, kind, sweet, and loving spirit. It's too bad that she has to learn this but as a female, I know she WILL need to learn this and better to learn now than to be sheltered and then be completely unprepared for life's cruelties.
My last resolution will be the toughest but the one that I am really most committed to because I think it will really help me and everyone around me. It's truly a mindset adjustment but an important one and one that I think people learn when they are faced with sickness or as they get closer to death. I would like to reap the benefits of this lesson while I am still young enough to make a difference and enjoy it. So here's to living in the here and now, making a difference minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. What happened in the past has shaped me but it's gone so I don't need to dwell on it. The future is full of things I don't know and probably can't change anyway so why should I worry about it? This is SO opposite my nature but that's why I want to really try to change it. It's going to be a daily mind adjustment...I'll let you know how it goes.
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