I slept pretty well considering all the swirling thoughts of last night and the week in general. Of course I did wake up several times in the middle of the night but was able to roll over and go right back to sleep. That's the key to a good night's rest for me - the ability to go right back to sleep since it's inevitable that I will be waking up many, many times during the night.
I woke up this morning with a feeling of hope. Hope that things will work out, hope that things will be okay though right now they are definitely out of my control, hope that I can handle what the future may hold. Sounds like way too much thinking is going on, huh? That's true which is why my mantra has been "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay." I chant it in my head to calm my mind down and to get it to move on to the here and now.
The here and now consists of homemade french toast for I. and I and shopping for our Christmas tree. It's not the perfect picture since I hoped that V. would be here to share it with us but it's good enough. I think that fact captures my life's struggle - perfect vs. good enough. I was raised (and was inherently born this way) to think that good enough was the same as a failure. Maybe a minor failure but a failure nonetheless. But nothing is ever perfect. Some days come pretty darn close but you know what, some days good enough is pretty damn good taking into account everything going on. I just need to make peace with that.
For now, I'm going to focus on the smell of the Christmas trees as we wander the rows looking for that perfect tree. Or maybe just the good enough tree. Regardless, I'll be with I. making another memory to add to her memory bank, the one that she will keep her whole life. And that my friend, is the definition of perfect.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again
Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.
For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.
To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.
Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.
Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.
Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.
And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.
Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!
But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.
For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.
To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.
Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.
Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.
Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.
And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.
Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!
But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.
Reflections
It's a good thing I went to bed early (turning light off at 10:30) because this morning I. was up crying at 5:50 with a bad dream. The good news was that meant she must have been sleeping later than she normally does. The bad news is that this was an hour before I needed to wake up and I couldn't go back to sleep.
There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.
I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.
There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.
I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thanks To the Cat
Thanks to the Cat, the title of the post did not end up being "Sigh". I was just getting ready to title that in response to V.'s phone call and warning this morning that he may not make it back for this weekend either which bums me out because we need to get the tree this Sunday. If we don't, we'll spend a whole bunch of time decorating the tree only to get to enjoy it for 10 days. That's not okay with me. This year was supposed to be different. I was looking forward to having V. around for the holidays. Now it looks like I'll just be lucky to have him home for the actual holiday itself.
But back to the Cat, I was sitting here bummed, getting ready to post when I look over and see him dragging my stuffed dog down the stairs ( two flights of them) between his legs with its ear firmly in his jaws. This is his way of molesting it. Kind of gross but it looks so comical that you can't help but laugh. When he does this, I know that he wants some snuggling and affection, which is not his normal M.O., so I picked him up and gave him some love. It changed my internal vibe to feel him purring with his eyes closed, just enjoying my affection.
I worked hard last night to get the Christmas cards ready for mailing and get V.'s family present box ready for the post office. I'm hoping that this evening I can relax a little. Last night when I got I. down for bed, I was really tired from a go-go-go day and I went and hung out with our foster cat and dozed off on the bed with her. She actually laid on her side next to me and dozed off. It was nice. Dozing off at 4:30 is unlike me so I must have needed it.
Yesterday I got V. his big gift, one that I've been saying there is no way he's getting and one that he will be SO excited about. It's the IPad and it wasn't cheap to say the least. But it is the one thing he really wants and that it kind of rare. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't up to me to make a value judgement of what he should get for a present. He's not a child, he works his butt off, and he makes the money and never questions how I spend it. Once I bought it, I got so excited because I know how surprised he is going to be and what a good Christmas it will be for him. Isn't that what gift giving is all about?
One thing is for sure. I won't have him open it with the girls there because I know they will be envious and want two of them for themselves. They don't understand that they are 18, jobless, and barely going to school and some things you need to wait to get and earn. That's not a lesson they've been taught unfortunately and I will be aware of that as soon as I hear what their Christmas demands are.
That'll be another post though. Off to get ready for the day...
But back to the Cat, I was sitting here bummed, getting ready to post when I look over and see him dragging my stuffed dog down the stairs ( two flights of them) between his legs with its ear firmly in his jaws. This is his way of molesting it. Kind of gross but it looks so comical that you can't help but laugh. When he does this, I know that he wants some snuggling and affection, which is not his normal M.O., so I picked him up and gave him some love. It changed my internal vibe to feel him purring with his eyes closed, just enjoying my affection.
I worked hard last night to get the Christmas cards ready for mailing and get V.'s family present box ready for the post office. I'm hoping that this evening I can relax a little. Last night when I got I. down for bed, I was really tired from a go-go-go day and I went and hung out with our foster cat and dozed off on the bed with her. She actually laid on her side next to me and dozed off. It was nice. Dozing off at 4:30 is unlike me so I must have needed it.
Yesterday I got V. his big gift, one that I've been saying there is no way he's getting and one that he will be SO excited about. It's the IPad and it wasn't cheap to say the least. But it is the one thing he really wants and that it kind of rare. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't up to me to make a value judgement of what he should get for a present. He's not a child, he works his butt off, and he makes the money and never questions how I spend it. Once I bought it, I got so excited because I know how surprised he is going to be and what a good Christmas it will be for him. Isn't that what gift giving is all about?
One thing is for sure. I won't have him open it with the girls there because I know they will be envious and want two of them for themselves. They don't understand that they are 18, jobless, and barely going to school and some things you need to wait to get and earn. That's not a lesson they've been taught unfortunately and I will be aware of that as soon as I hear what their Christmas demands are.
That'll be another post though. Off to get ready for the day...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Kind Hearted Part 2
We picked up our first foster cat yesterday and it felt like Christmas for I. and I. She was so excited that she was talking even faster than she normally does and I had to tell her to take a breath. Our choice was one 2 year old female or three 10 month olds. The lady kept saying how much fun the younger ones would be but in my gut, I felt like the older one would be better at least for our first time out. Especially considering that V. is out of town and would have to be told over the phone of our new visitor.
I'm glad I listened to my gut because this cat is perfect. I was warned that she may hide for 2 days or 2 weeks, to be prepared. I went in the bedroom where she is after I put I. to bed and just sat on the ground speaking quietly. Within 2 minutes, she was crawling out from under the bed, snuggling, rubbing and purring. She's a real sweetheart.
What I love is that I can hear through the wall of I. playing with her and hearing her speaking so sweetly does my heart good. She understands that we are giving her love and a vacation from that little box she's been in at PetSmart and that we're going to have to take her back at some point. I'm really glad I took the leap and decided to do this.
Today I'm trying to keep us busy and distracted from the fact that V. didn't make it home this weekend. It's supposed to be a cloudy day which sounds perfect for spending the afternoon decorating for Christmas. I'm hoping to get our tree next Sunday when V. is here. I love the smell of a Christmas tree though I don't particularly like how small it makes our living area feel. Basically, there's one place to put the tree and that's on the entry tile area so you have to kind of shimmy around it to go to the front door and shimmy around the other side when you need to use the bathroom. Every year V. says we should get a smaller one but forget it. When it comes to my Christmas trees, I say go big or go home! That tree with the angel on top has about a 2 inch clearance every year, I swear. It's become almost like a contest for me to see how close to the ceiling I can get and I suspect this year will be no different.
I'm glad I listened to my gut because this cat is perfect. I was warned that she may hide for 2 days or 2 weeks, to be prepared. I went in the bedroom where she is after I put I. to bed and just sat on the ground speaking quietly. Within 2 minutes, she was crawling out from under the bed, snuggling, rubbing and purring. She's a real sweetheart.
What I love is that I can hear through the wall of I. playing with her and hearing her speaking so sweetly does my heart good. She understands that we are giving her love and a vacation from that little box she's been in at PetSmart and that we're going to have to take her back at some point. I'm really glad I took the leap and decided to do this.
Today I'm trying to keep us busy and distracted from the fact that V. didn't make it home this weekend. It's supposed to be a cloudy day which sounds perfect for spending the afternoon decorating for Christmas. I'm hoping to get our tree next Sunday when V. is here. I love the smell of a Christmas tree though I don't particularly like how small it makes our living area feel. Basically, there's one place to put the tree and that's on the entry tile area so you have to kind of shimmy around it to go to the front door and shimmy around the other side when you need to use the bathroom. Every year V. says we should get a smaller one but forget it. When it comes to my Christmas trees, I say go big or go home! That tree with the angel on top has about a 2 inch clearance every year, I swear. It's become almost like a contest for me to see how close to the ceiling I can get and I suspect this year will be no different.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Just Remembered
A quick note before I head to bed - something I. said at lunch and because I was making a concerted effort to get a resttime in today, I didn't have time to post it for posterity.
Sometimes when I. spends a couple of nights at my parents' house, I'll ask her, "Did you miss me?" and when she inevitably says no, I tell her, "Of course you didn't. You were having so much fun with Bubbi and Bobbi." I'm not trying to guilt her; I ask out of curiosity.
Today we were eating lunch. Yesterday was her long school day due to a science class that she loves in the morning before her regular class. So she went to school at 10:30 instead of 12:30. Out of the blue she says, "I missed you yesterday while I was at school." I said, "Really? What did you miss about me?" And she said, "Just hanging out with you." Awww, stab me in the heart. I felt the same way after such a wonderful Thanksgiving week together. Beautiful and wonderful, but it hurt a little. Because though I never got tired of hanging out with my mommy, I can't count on that in the future with I.. I can just hope and pray that even though I'm not her friend, I'll still be one of her favorite people to hang out with.
Oh, also for posterity because I'll forget with all the woulds, coulds, and shoulds...I asked I. last night what she was thinking of asking Santa for. She thought quite a few minutes and then said, "I want a costume dress for Bubbi (my mom and her favorite playperson) that has a picture of her and I holding hands, laughing." To clarify I said, "So you want your present from Santa to be a costume for Bubbi?" She answered, "Is that going to be hard for him to find?" I'm so lucky to have such a kind hearted kid.
I'll be sure and use that kind hearted kid defense with V. tomorrow when our plan to give a needy, homeless cat(s) some love is met with horror. It's just part of my master plan to raise a human being with compassion and empathy for people and animals who are in need.
Sometimes when I. spends a couple of nights at my parents' house, I'll ask her, "Did you miss me?" and when she inevitably says no, I tell her, "Of course you didn't. You were having so much fun with Bubbi and Bobbi." I'm not trying to guilt her; I ask out of curiosity.
Today we were eating lunch. Yesterday was her long school day due to a science class that she loves in the morning before her regular class. So she went to school at 10:30 instead of 12:30. Out of the blue she says, "I missed you yesterday while I was at school." I said, "Really? What did you miss about me?" And she said, "Just hanging out with you." Awww, stab me in the heart. I felt the same way after such a wonderful Thanksgiving week together. Beautiful and wonderful, but it hurt a little. Because though I never got tired of hanging out with my mommy, I can't count on that in the future with I.. I can just hope and pray that even though I'm not her friend, I'll still be one of her favorite people to hang out with.
Oh, also for posterity because I'll forget with all the woulds, coulds, and shoulds...I asked I. last night what she was thinking of asking Santa for. She thought quite a few minutes and then said, "I want a costume dress for Bubbi (my mom and her favorite playperson) that has a picture of her and I holding hands, laughing." To clarify I said, "So you want your present from Santa to be a costume for Bubbi?" She answered, "Is that going to be hard for him to find?" I'm so lucky to have such a kind hearted kid.
I'll be sure and use that kind hearted kid defense with V. tomorrow when our plan to give a needy, homeless cat(s) some love is met with horror. It's just part of my master plan to raise a human being with compassion and empathy for people and animals who are in need.
The Week Continues
The end of the week is eluding me, it seems to just keep moving farther ahead and I can't catch it. Why? Because V. can't come home this weekend. After months and months of the Saudi schedule you would think it wouldn't be a big thing. But it's amazing how quickly I get into a new schedule with expectations included. Mainly that on Saturday and Sunday, I won't be getting up at 6:45 to I. calling me. It's amazing what that simple fact means to me when I'm falling asleep the night before. It's like taking a deep breath of moist, salty ocean air. It just feels good to all the senses. But not this week.
Well, I'm nothing if not resourceful so I have already got weekend plans in place for I. and I. Sunday it's supposed to be rainy so why not stay warm and snug in the house and decorate for Christmas with music and maybe some Christmas shows too?
What we're doing tomorrow morning will get me in trouble (kind of) with V. but it's something I want to do. It's hard to volunteer and help with I. only in school a couple of hours at a time and then in bed by 4pm. Sure, I could wait until next year when she's in kindergarten but why, when I can help now in some way? I already warned him that this is what I wanted to do and he knows it's coming. For the last 3 weeks, I've been telling him that there's a good chance when he comes home from his trip that there may be another animal temporarily here. He moans and groans but he knows it's happening though part of him is still in denial I'm sure. Well, he won't be in denial for long because tomorrow morning we are picking up either one adult cat or a few younger cats from PetSmart to give it/them a break from the constant viewing and limited movement and give them some room, love, and affection. It's just for a few weeks and then they'll go back and hopefully get adopted. The thing is that I'm going to be busted tomorrow because when I. finds out and we go and get it/them, she's going to be so excited that she is going to tell V. as soon as possible. Then the jig is going to be up. You want to know something funny though? I went over to the PetSmart to look at the cats 'cause I was over that way shopping while I. was in school and one of the adult cats who was really sweet was named V. Wouldn't it be funny if that was the one I ended up picking up tomorrow? I could have fun with that one. Since my V. isn't here very much, I got another V. Hee, hee.
Don't get me wrong, if V. was deadset against this, I wouldn't do it. But he really isn't, he knows it will make me feel good, and that it's part of the lessons I'm trying to teach I. Plus, he's not here 85% of the time and knows I'll be the one doing the work anyways.
I have to admit, I'm excited.
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