After I waited at the restaurant this morning for 30 minutes, I figured someone must have gotten confused. It was a perfect storm because I didn't have either of Joanne's or Michelle's cell numbers and the house number I did have was busy. I couldn't have V. look at my email because he was with I. attending the Father's Day event at her school. Finally, I got through on their house phone and was told that tomorrow morning is when we're meeting.
That's a bummer because I specifically said today since I knew I. had the event with V. so I wouldn't be missing out on possible family time. Since it's taken about 3 months to pin down a date with Joanne and Michelle, I couldn't even suggest rescheduling. So much for family day tomorrow. At least we'll have a leisurely morning to read the papers and then we'll have a little time in the afternoon together before I. goes to bed. And it will give V. and I. some special alone time together.
I noticed today V. making an effort to interact with I.. They wrestled this morning and he told her how excited he was to go to her school with her and after the event he even took her to a park and played with her. Who is this man is what I want to know. He speaks, he plays, he asks questions, he interacts, he brings flowers for no reason. Skeptic is very suspicious of all of this.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Morning of Mark
I'm still basking in the glow of receiving flowers from V. "just because". Skeptic, my alternate personality, has tried to ruin it by wondering what the "real" meaning behind them is but I've been pushing her away and just enjoying.
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
Friday, June 4, 2010
He Brought Flowers
Tonight V. came home and he came with flowers:
I asked when he thought about bringing flowers and he said on his way home from the airport. I'm not sure what to think but I am going to appreciate and enjoy it for now. I hate having to think that way but skeptic is alive and well. I'd like to think that V. doesn't want me to feel this way and be stressed but there's a part of me that remembers how he was when Mark died. It was like a cold, frozen block of ice that nothing could penetrate.
For now, I'm giving the benefit of the doubt. Enjoying our time together that we have and looking for positive signs. Until I'm proven wrong, I'll enjoy this.
Roller Coaster
Yesterday was my therapy appointment and it kicked my ass. V. and I were the topic of it considering what has been going on lately and it was painful. For the first time in awhile, I walked out in worst shape than when I walked in. Last night I was laughing to myself thinking that I needed a therapy session to recover from my therapy session.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"What, Huh?"
Feeling a little better about everything today. Not sure why, I just am. Maybe because this Saturday is when I'm meeting with Mark's mom and sister and talking about Mark. I'm not sure what his mom is going to ask me and I'm not sure what I have to say. When I try to think about it, I go blank as I always do when trying to think about something stressful or upsetting.
Last night I had a Facebook chat with Jodi which was what I was hoping for because although I do want to check on her, I don't want all that nasty, negative vitriol cascading into my brain. But I didn't want the anniversary of Mark's death to come around without me communicating with her in some way. The conversation was very short and sweet but then at the end, I was saying to myself, "What, huh?" because this is how it concluded. Let me preface this with the fact that she didn't call me when Mark's headstone was installed in late April, she called Brian.
Jodi: "Did you know Mark's headstone was placed? I didn't tell many people because frankly there isn't a whole lot of people I want anything to do with that has anything to do with that part of my life! Anyways, talk to you later, Jodi."
Can I just say it again - "What, huh?" I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief because she KNOWS she didn't call to tell me so doesn't that put me in that last category? It's not that I particularly care, in fact it's almost a relief to me, but just the lack of tact and consideration for how that would make someone feel is amazing to me. That's exactly why she doesn't get along with so many people. It's actually pretty funny when I think about it.
Last night I had a Facebook chat with Jodi which was what I was hoping for because although I do want to check on her, I don't want all that nasty, negative vitriol cascading into my brain. But I didn't want the anniversary of Mark's death to come around without me communicating with her in some way. The conversation was very short and sweet but then at the end, I was saying to myself, "What, huh?" because this is how it concluded. Let me preface this with the fact that she didn't call me when Mark's headstone was installed in late April, she called Brian.
Jodi: "Did you know Mark's headstone was placed? I didn't tell many people because frankly there isn't a whole lot of people I want anything to do with that has anything to do with that part of my life! Anyways, talk to you later, Jodi."
Can I just say it again - "What, huh?" I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief because she KNOWS she didn't call to tell me so doesn't that put me in that last category? It's not that I particularly care, in fact it's almost a relief to me, but just the lack of tact and consideration for how that would make someone feel is amazing to me. That's exactly why she doesn't get along with so many people. It's actually pretty funny when I think about it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Those Old Issues AGAIN
Even though we ended on a high note on Monday night, those old issues/feelings that first resurfaced last summer and then again this weekend have sunk their claws into my psyche. Now it doesn't take much more than a series of coincidences and bad timing to have them morph into some big thing that isn't real though it certainly feels real enough.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Good Salvage Job
I have to say, we did a real good job of salvaging the holiday weekend around here. The night of marriage angst culminated with me declaring that what we were both doing towards each other that was causing the crazy cycle to continue just had to stop now. So it was declared that the next day (yesterday) we would make a concerted effort and it worked. We had a nice day, not just a good family day, but a good teamwork day that ended on a high note.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
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