Beach Day

Last day of summer vacation, went to meet I.'s first grade teacher at school by 8:30, put dinner in the crock pot when we got home, and as soon as D. got up from nap we headed to the beach.  It was a perfect beach day.  Not humid, cool breeze, and warm sun.  The water was cool but once you got used to it, it was just nice.  Last time we went to the beach it was humid so even though we were at the beach, we were sweating but not today.  It was great.  The first hour, D. was crawling full tilt straight towards the ocean so it was a little stressful for me, trying to grab him before waves smashed into him, walk him back up the sand, put him down only to have him go right back to the water.  After he ate and played in the sand, he was a little more tame when it came to the water so I was able to take a few deep breaths, feel the breeze on my face and appreciate the turquoise color of the water.  Made me think briefly about walking on Laguna Beach a couple of years ago on my birthday with V. with D. in my belly (though at that time I didn't know if it was a boy or girl).  I snapped back quickly from the reminiscing.  For one, to make sure D. was safe and two, because although these days may be physically and emotionally tasking, they are times to remember, times that will not come again, and times so sweet (but no time to take pictures).

Watching I. frolic in the waves without a care in the world, happy, and not one bit self-conscious as she pulled faces, crossed eyes, and fell awkwardly made me extremely happy.  This is her time to do this, to feel this and I hope she will be able to feel this way as long as possible.  One of my goals is to make sure she is not self conscious about her body by keeping silent on any body issues I have and not bring the subject up.  I try to focus on healthy balance and eating and how the body uses each element (protein vs. carbohydrate).  My mom still talks a lot about eating less, how much she weighs, and how small a pant size she is fitting in.  It causes me to be more self critical and I never want I. to be affected by my struggles.  Each of us have enough struggles, especially physical appearance for girls, and no one needs to be dealing with their own plus their mother's.  I packed a special box of animal crackers for I. and I for our beach day and she was so excited. It was a great last summer vacation day.

So that was the good of the day.  The rough part of the day was a carry-over from last night.  I'm not giving details but all I can say is that I. is a direct knock off of V. when it comes to poking the lion through the cage and then objecting when the lion roars.  Also in the apology realm and who is more hard hearted, I"m not sure who is worst.  I'll know in the next 3 days.

Tonight I'm Broken

First of all I feel like this summer my blog has turned into a gripe session and I"m feel bad about that.  But then again, this is my blog and the documentation of what I'm going through in this season of my life.  It's been a wonderful season but also a really difficult one.  This was my first summer with having 2 kids and it was I.'s first summer of having to share me.  There just seemed to be a different vibe going on this summer, typically characterized by I. and I being at odds.  And it's not just that, it seems like I. since getting out of school has changed from a cheerful, self-motivated individual to a more long-faced, negative, disobedient kid demanding on me for her entertainment and motivation.  As soon as I enter her room or come downstairs in the morning on weekends or see her when she comes home from the gym with V., the first thing I see is some sort of long face and hear a gripe of some sort because things have not been "perfect" or up to her expectations.  I'm shocked because I don't feel like I raised her to be self-absorbed as though the world revolves around her and that everyone else in the world should cater to her.  But to be brutally honest, that is how she's been acting this summer.

This does not apply to D.  She loves him beyond belief and loves playing with him and looking after him.  It's almost as though, and I do remember this from when she was little, that she tends to love one person fiercely and the rest of the people in her life come a distant second.  Right now if I had to rate people, D. would come first, V. second, me third though she does not act like it and my mom fourth, my dad fifth.  I am thankful that she is so loving towards D.

The problem that leaves me broken tonight is a consistent problem with dishonesty.  Before it was reading books instead of going to sleep on three consecutive occurrences.  If she was a kid who would sleep later in the morning to compensate for going to sleep later at night that would be one thing but she's not and it results in her being extra tired the next day and being a nightmare for most of the day for all of us to deal with.  It's just not fair to the entire family.  Now the subject is cleaning up her room in the morning.  She gets a million things out every morning and then hates clean up time.  Yeah, I would too.  She knows that she is not to come downstairs until her room is clean yet she comes downstairs and her room is a friggin' pigsty.  I've had my hands full with D. lately in the morning and she's been taking advantage of that, knowing that I won't go up there until it's D.'s morning nap time.  Today I made her go back into her room two additional times letting her know exactly what needed to be cleaned up.  Then at bedtime, I opened her bathroom door and saw the floor covered with clothes, books, towels, etc. and when I went to close her closet door, it caught on something and I opened it up and there were a bunch of the things she was supposed to put away as well as her clean clothes she was to put away.  To say that I was ticked off is an understatement.  It just seems that she thinks it's okay to hide things and pretend that she did the right thing and deceive me until I discover it.  I have nothing more to say about this.

Like I needed anything more emotional this evening, I went from that drama to bathing D. and nursing him to go to bed.  He's still having a hard time breathing with his snotty nose so today during nursings as he attempted to get better suction, he would inadvertently nip me which was painful but I knew he didn't know he was doing it so I didn't say anything.  Tonight though he whole heartedly bit me and then pulled his head away which was extremely painful.  He did it twice so I tapped him on the cheek and said, "No bite" and he began crying.  I switched sides thinking that might help and immediately he did the same thing and then proceeded to do it 3 times in a row.  By this time he was crying and so was I because of course I was fearing that this will make him not want to nurse again and we'll be right back to where we were - 0 nursings and refusing to take liquids via cup or spoon.  I put him in the crib, he cried but less than a minute and I proceeded to head to the shower to cry for 15 minutes and feel upset and down for most of the night.  I will pray for a good nursing tomorrow morning to start things off.

It's been a tough summer and I think back to two summers ago (before I was pregnant with D.) when I was on the phone with my mom talking about how I was so sad about I. going to full day school because I was going to miss her so much and trying to figure out what I was going to do etc.   And internally I still feel the same way and am trying to create memories with I. before she's back in school.  But after all the struggles of this summer, part of me thinks, "Holy smokes, I'm going to be so much more relaxed and have so much more down time once she's in school!"  It's such a conflict because I feel guilty thinking this because she is my first and we had almost 6 happy years to ourselves and I love her and what's most difficult is that I know I really am going to miss my time with her and I'm really just going to miss HER.  However after this summer, I think I need to catch my breath, gain my parenting confidence back and not have to be at odds with her all the time which is how it's felt.

One last random thought that's been bouncing around my brain for a few weeks...it seems like when she was younger (i.e. 6 months ago) and we would play side by side together (coloring, puzzles, cooking, etc.) things were better.  We would talk and work on creating things together.  In the last 6 months she really enjoys more competitive games like Uno and other sorts of games that have her playing against other people. However she is really competitive and can be a bad loser unless she's quickly corrected.  She's fine playing against V. but she tends to not be a good sport when playing with my parents.  When she and I play these games, sometimes she acts up but most of the time she holds it together because I've refused to play the games with her if she is a bad sport.  However, I wonder if playing against each other even though we both enjoy the games is working against us in the other areas of our life.  The coinciding time is right and down deep, I think I"m on to something.

Thankfulness

This morning I got D. up and offered him a nursing opportunity to which he turned his head away and fussed so I quickly gathered him up and we headed downstairs to get some breakfast in him. The last couple of days I haven't gotten him up at 10:30pm for a feeding since he wasn't eating so he's pretty hungry by 7am.  He ate a big breakfast which included 4 oz of breast milk in his oatmeal to try to keep him hydrated and then I put him down to play which he normally is happy about.  Not this morning, he cried and cried and I had to hold him in my lap or on my hip until it was time to head up for his nap around 8:45.

We sat down in the rocking chair and I wasn't going to offer nursing to him since he had just refused 2 hours earlier and had had a filling breakfast.  Then he pointed at the nursing pillow which was lying on the ground.  He's in that pointing stage where he wants you to tell him what he is pointing at so I said, "That's our pillow for milk."  I leaned him back against me to get ready to read to him and he shocked me by taking his hand and putting it on my chest and tugging up on my shirt.  He has never done that before.  Well, I needed no additional encouragement and to my surprise, he began nursing.  The effect it had on him was immediate.  His eyes half closed and his hand began gently moving up and down my arm.  D. is a real boy-boy and while he does like to be hugged and held and give kisses, he often times follows up these nice things with a bite, or a pinch, or a hair pull - not very gentle at times.  But he was back in his secure, happy place and I could feel his whole body just relax, really relax for the first time in days.  It was a miracle.  How did I feel?  Nervous at first that he wouldn't have enough patience for the milk to let down but then I could see that he was just happy to be back in the crook of my arm and sucking so I relaxed and enjoyed and thanked God.

Out of all this, we did reduce feedings by one, the 10:30 feeding, which is a nice one for me to have eliminated especially with school starting next week and the alarm going off earlier.  I can get in bed and relax reading earlier to compensate for the earlier wake up time.  I'm not looking to breastfeed D. until he's 3 or until I feel ready to stop.  I'm just wanting to do it gradually so that neither of us is emotionally bereft like we both were these last 4 days.  Of course there are times when I dream of a Vegas trip or a weekend away but he's still really young and Vegas or Laguna Beach or wherever will still be there when I'm able to go.  Having D. at this age and experiencing our bond will not be.  I will blink my eyes and he'll be taller than me, with a deep voice and a hairy chest if he's anything like his father and I'll wonder where the time went.

So for now, we'll continue and make changes in our own time.  

Emotional Upheaval

D.'s last breastfeeding session was Thursday night at 10:30 and now it's Sunday night.  It's been rough for both he and I.  This is not weaning.  Weaning is a gradual process, one where hopefully both the child and the mother can gradually get used to stopping the nursing bond.  Going from 7 nursings a day to 0 nursings a day is not weaning.  Yes, I. did this exact same thing and it was horrible.  I was not prepared and it broke my heart but she moved on and never looked back which in some way made it a little easier to deal with.

D. is upset by it even though he is the one causing it.  Every morning he cries angrily for a long time when I come and get him.  He turns away from my breast but then screams at the top of his lungs, writhing, pinching, and clawing at me with this despondent sound that I've never heard from him but feel deep in my soul.  Because his cry out loud gives voice to exactly what my grieving soul feels.  He thrashes in my arms, fighting hard against me but I don't give up, I won't give up because I feel his pain, it's what I feel too.  And after I refuse to give up, holding him, protecting him from hurting himself, whispering to him, he finally relaxes against my chest but just continues sobbing quietly as I begin to sing to him.  It breaks my heart.  Beginning each day like this is beyond painful.  The rest of the day is better but he definitely wants to sit with me, be held by me more than usual and to be honest, that's fine with me because we could both use that right now.

I have begun new routines for nap times and bed time to help him adjust and they have seem to be working with him going down yesterday and today without fuss.  I've been offering nursing once at every usual time with him declining until tonight at bedtime.  Whenever I offer, he's been turning his head away and getting a little upset at my offering so tonight at bedtime I didn't offer and started going into our new routine.  He turned his head and looked at me like, "Where is it?" so I pulled up my shirt and offered it to him.  He leaned in and gave a couple of sucks and then let go and fussed so we moved back to our new reading routine.  Just in case, I will continue to pump until he gets over this cold but in my heart, I don't believe he's going to want to nurse again.

The additional hard part is that no one understands what I'm going through unless they've actually been through it.  Having a child subsist because of the milk your body naturally produces is amazing.  Then going from 7 nursings to 0 nursings is difficult.  Double pumping 5-6 times a day causes hormonal surges that make me feel tired and really emotional.  Just what I need at this point in time.  But I want to pump in case he does change his mind after he feels better.  Plus, I am mixing the milk with his food so he is still getting fluid and all its nutrients.  That's probably my biggest concern at this point - he refuses to drink any fluids via multiple types of cups, spoons etc. so any milk I can combine with foods is the only fluid he's getting and judging by his diapers, it's not enough.  The last thing we need is dehydration.

It's just a tough time around here and I"m hoping it gets better in some way soon.

Need To Catch A Break

Thanks to our visit to Chuck E. Cheese on Monday, D. came down with a cold starting on Wednesday night.  No big deal, I thought, since he's had plenty of colds throughout I.'s school year and they were always  mild and didn't affect his nursings or eating.

Not this time, he wouldn't nurse at all yesterday afternoon but did nurse at 10:30 last night so I felt hopeful for today.  This morning when I got him up and tried to nurse him, he took one suck and then became irate, pinching at me and clawing at my face.  Then he just cried inconsolably and it broke my heart.  The rest of the day he would just turn his face away at every nursing and cried himself to sleep at afternoon nap.  For bedtime, instead of nursing, I got 3 of his favorite books and we cuddled on my lap, reading and finishing up with me singing 2 songs to him.  It seemed to soothe him and give both of us some needed snuggle time and closeness because when I put him down in his crib, he was relaxed and fell asleep quickly.

My only concern is getting fluids in him especially considering that he won't drink out of a cup (or bottle for that matter).  I'll have to keep my eye on that and continue pumping and including the milk in his foods.  Unfortunately even though I have been pumping today, I have developed a painful blocked milk duct which will probably get worse overnight.  I will be praying that D. feels better tomorrow and soon will return to nursing.  I know that at 1 year old, weaning is a reality, one that I have always known was coming and for this reason, I've always tried to stop and take it all in, really drink in the experience as D. was drinking in my milk, and have been so thankful to have had this opportunity one more time.  Of course, it hasn't been easy.  From day one, I've had major nursing issues and they continue today.  But they say anything worthwhile is worth working at (or something like that) and it's so true.

That being said, am I okay with D. stopping nursing.  No, especially not with it being done so abruptly which is exactly what I. did.  It's not only physically painful, though more so this time, but it's also emotionally rough.  This time I'm better off emotionally at least so far because I think I've been preparing for it all along but it's still a huge change for us and sad for me and him too it seems.

Deep breaths, prayers, and hoping for wonderful things to come....

Not For Sissies

Tired.  That's what I am.  This morning was an uphill battle.  In addition to last night's disobedience, I. took it to a new level this morning.  Her room was a mess as it always is in the morning and as she was complaining about cleaning it up, I made a comment that I didn't want to hear any more grumbling about it to which she replied in a dismissive tone, "Oh calm down."  EXCUSE ME?  At that point, the television with Curious George on pause went off.  Strike three occurred when I went upstairs 30 minutes later to get D.'s crib ready for nap and found that although I. came downstairs acting like their room was cleaned up, it was not picked up at all.  That hit the dishonesty button from last night.

I took D. for nursing and nap and the consequence came to me clearly.  It was obvious when I came downstairs that I. knew she had seriously overstepped the boundaries because she was trying to make nice.  Unfortunately it was too late and Momma lowered the boom though with empathy.  She had to stay in a room all day and additionally write 100 times, "I will respect Mommy and my room."  I know it sounds harsh but honestly all summer it's been nothing but consequences here and there, seemingly constantly.  I.'s problem is that she has a hard head and a soft heart but this summer her head has had a direct link to her mouth and then her heart follows up much too late.  That has to change.

So at the end of the day after much moaning, crying, and screaming, here's what we were left with:

This was I.'s required apology, something that she really has a problem with.  Even so, she wrote it, brought it down, and said that she didn't want to have to say it.  Oh vey.  It felt sincere to me so I accepted it.  Just another thing to work on for the next 12 years.  Did I mention she's only 6?  Makes me tired just thinking of it.

Parenting a child with character is not for sissies.

Frustrated Momma

I'm a frustrated momma.  Tonight I. got back her privilege of reading a book at bedtime for a half an hour while I am giving D. a bath and bring him in for bed.  This is the second time she's lost the privilege, first time was for a week.  I told her if she did it again, it would be two weeks and then a month.  So it's been 2 weeks, tonight she gets her book reading back and what does she do?  I look in there an hour later (mind you, she had put the book down when I took D. in there for sleep) and there she is reading the book behind the headboard.  I'm so disappointed.  

I've talked with her about bad decisions and privileges and how I have to be able to trust her.  But it seems to be to no avail.  Because tomorrow we will be back to the consequences and bad momma.  It seems to be the theme of this summer.

Happy Moments

D.'s birthday was great. He enjoyed so much and all of his sisters were there which was a real treat. I made it through in one piece - the anticipation of it and remembering what was going on a year ago leading up to his birth day is worse than the actual day. Today I finally took down the decorations and felt the painful tug all over again. But then I thought about how happy he was at his party and how excited he is every day to play with his new toys.

On D.'s actual birthday we went to the beach and had a nice morning there.

Later that week, we had a birthday playdate with a friend of D.'s from music class. They played next to each other and it was fun to see them squeal at each other.

Yesterday I took I. out for the morning for some special time. We went bowling, then bought some school shoes for her, followed up with lunch at Souplantation which we both enjoy. It was a really fun time.

While we were eating, I. said, "This feels strange." What was odd was I was thinking something along the same line so I knew exactly what she meant.  I said, "It's strange because D. isn't with us." And she agreed that that was exactly what it was. It's amazing that something so new now feels like the new normal and when he isn't with us, it just doesn't feel right. She said she missed him and I asked if we should hurry up and finish eating so we could get back home to see him and she agreed. That makes this semi-new mother of two so happy.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is D.'s first birthday and I just finished reading D.'s birth story that my doula wrote up from when the first contractions started until he was first suckling.  It never ceases to fill me with wonder, thankfulness, and joy that I was able to have the experience I hoped for after much research and a whole lot of time and pain.  It's truly a miracle.

I read it and it felt like yesterday literally that it happened.  I remember the thoughts in my brain, the smells and conversations, the way I would pass it for 30 seconds in between contractions towards the end so thankful for the "rest" and how I thought, even with the pain and exhaustion, "Wow, this is so cool considering all my insomnia problems."  God was really looking out for me and giving me what I needed to make it to my end goal - a healthy baby delivered that I could hold and nurse almost immediately.

What also is special that this last one is the only one V. got to experience in this way and it's been a neat memory for us together and also for him and D.

I was nursing D. tonight before bed and he was just such a character. Making his squeaking noises while he nursed and then grinning at me with a nipple in his mouth after I sneezed. He just is the happiest baby I've met and he's all mine - how lucky! My plan for tomorrow is go to the beach for a couple of hours to enjoy D.'s birthday. Hopefully they will both sleep a little later than 4:45am so that the day will not be teetering on the edge of meltdowns, mostly on I.'s part since D. still takes 2 naps to alleviate the breakdowns. V. is working in San Diego so he should make it home for bath and bedtime which makes a huge difference in my day. I can't believe it's been a year. Where has the time gone??

Pre-1st Birthday Post

We've had a couple of good days under our belt, I. and I.  It's been really nice.  Tonight I'm a mix of emotions.  I'm excited for D. for his 1st birthday party tomorrow.  He's never been at a party where he is the center of attention and I think he's really going to enjoy it.

But I still have this shocked feeling that we are already here, his first birthday.  It just doesn't seem that long ago.  For the last week, I've been reading each morning my pregnancy journal to see what I was feeling and experiencing a year ago and it's been bringing it all back.

It's going to be Sunday and Monday that are especially sentimental because Monday at 5:20am is when D. was finally born.  There's a lot to be said for being sentimental but perhaps I am taking it too far.  Or maybe not.  As long as I'm able to enjoy D.'s birthday and enjoy his experiences with it, is what matters and that is what I am determined to do.