A First Christmas Eve of Sorts

Things went awry in Saudi Arabia due to DC stupidity, resulting in V's arrival being delayed. Instead of arriving last night, he won't be here until tomorrow night, Christmas night, after everything is over. Talk about disappointment. So tomorrow morning, I. will open her present from Santa and maybe one other present and then we'll get ready to go up to my parents' house for the present free for all. She'll spend the night there and I'll come home to my husband actually being in our bed.

This week I. and I decorated Christmas cookies for the first time and we had a really good time. It's times like these that make the holiday season so much more enjoyable:

And here's the finished product:

I'm kind of a strange person I think. I realized tonight this was the first Christmas Eve I've ever spent partially by myself. When I was a kid or single, I always spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house. When I was married, I spent it with my hubby. So this year, being married, V. wasn't here and I did spend it with I. but Christmas Eve night, I'm here by myself. And surprisingly, it's not as bad as I pictured it. I wish V. was here but I'm okay, 'cause I got to spend time with Mark this morning, hang out with I. during the day, and now am watching It's A Wonderful Life, until it gets too late because then I'm going to bed, 'cause I'll need the energy for tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

What a Difference a Day Can Make

Yesterday, I dropped off I. at my mom's house so that they could do a Christmas craft together for a few hours and I could head over to Target to take care of stocking stuffers, cards, and a gift for Mark's baby. It was such a treat to be able to take my time picking out the right cards and then meandering through the $1 bins getting stuffer stuff. Moved on to the PJ area and it was so crowded in the aisleway, I parked my full cart on the outside of the aisle while I ventured deep in search of the right PJs for the girls. I found them and emerged a couple of minutes later to place them in my cart. Wait, where's my cart? You know the one with the special cards, the stocking stuffers I spent way too much time picking out, the great toy for Mark's baby that was the last one they had. Yeah, that cart. Which seems to be gone. As in GONE GONE. I look around, check out other people's carts just in case, have a Target employee go in the backroom to see if they put it back there for some reason. But no, it's just gone.

So, what do I do? I cry. This coming from a person who doesn't cry very often, certainly not in front of others, and most of the time can't cry even when she wants to. But right there in the PJ section of Target I cry. Not sobbing, snotty, loud crying but the tearing up, sniffling kind of crying but in my heart, I was sobbing. I had to go back, get another cart and try to repick everything I had. Of course, a few of the cards, the baby toy, and some of I.'s stuffer items were the last they had so that didn't help with my recovery. I was surprised by my reaction but just let myself "be" for a change, figuring that this sudden loss of a cart, unexpected and unfair finally opened the floodgates (just a little) to my buried feelings about Mark (ie. loss, unexpected, and unfair). My therapist would be proud.

Today I. and I had a great day, probably the best since V.'s been gone. We had a lot of fun together and she has been a lot more physically affectionate with me as a result of V. not being here, which is sad due to the reason but I'll take it! We laughed, hugged, played, and even relaxed a little together.



It was just one of those days when I'm proud of myself and so happy with my little world.

I. and I have been invited tomorrow to an early dinner at Mark's parents' house, where he is now living. I am really touched by this since they have been including me in things as though I am family. To show my gratitude, Italian style, I made some Cranberry Almond biscotti tonight. It looks very festive! It's been about 8 years since I've made it and forgot how long the process takes. But, I'm always excited to see just part of the finished product:



V.'s phone has not been working the last 2 days. Supposedly some cable was cut in the Mediterranean thus spotty phone service. I guess I should be thankful though 'cause the guy he went over there with, tripped 2 days ago and fell so hard that he's still in the hospital. No broken bones but he's so swollen up that they've been keeping him. The scary thing is that he had a blood clot (due to the long flights to Saudi Arabia) about 6 months ago and is still battling that with medication. So this fall is not good considering he's flying home on the 23rd on a God awful long 24 hour flight.

Four more days until V.'s home and then I can rest easy for a little while...

A Mixed Bag

I've been working on a video to send to V from I about how she is missing him because she certainly is. After a lot of glitches, fits and starts, I think it's almost ready to send him...finally. The song I set to it is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and that's a whole tragic but touching story we won't get into here. We finally had a decent morning and I. opened up around noontime, verbalizing her feelings. It only took 8 days and this after me trying to help her verbalizing what she's feeling "I miss Daddy. Do you miss Daddy? I'm sad Daddy's not here. Are you feeling sad that Daddy's not here?"

I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.

On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.

Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?

Today Turned Into a Good Day

Every day since V has been gone, I has thrown some sort of a whiny tantrum when V calls or when we've tried the webcam. She just doesn't know how to handle or communicate the overwhelming emotions she must be feeling. I try to help her - "Mommy misses Daddy. Do you miss Daddy?" and she responds but it's with words from her brain and it doesn't seem to let off the steam from her heart and then it percolates until she hears/sees him and then it explodes. My brain understands it but when I want to hear V's voice and I is screaming, I get irritated and banish her to the bathroom. Hopefully this will get better somehow, someway since we still have 5-6 months of this crap to go through.

Anyways, the day got better in the afternoon in a roundabout way. Mark and his wife and new son were planning on coming over this afternoon to collect their cats and visit. The rain was just pouring down so they cancelled and will come tomorrow. While I was excited to see them, I was feeling guilty because I've wanted to spend some quality downtime at home with I but with errands, the gym, and her early bedtime, it seems we are always on the go. But since our plans fell through, we ended up baking, which we enjoy doing together, pumpkin cranberry bread with the rain pouring outside, the Christmas music on inside and the tree lit up and cheering us up. Then we read some special Christmas books I only get out at this time of year and it just was what the doctor ordered. We snuggled, laughed,and her bedtime was bathed in contentment.

Thank God for a rainy day!

Keeping Perspective

Well we finished up the tree and it looks really good. With V being gone, I'm really getting to enjoy the tree a whole lot. Here's the finished product.



Today I took I to a Junior Theater play and she really enjoyed it. This was her second one and again, she sat through an hour without any problem. She would look up at me with this little smile and huge eyes like "Wow, I like this Mommy!" On our way home, I said that maybe next time Daddy could come with us like he did the first time we went. Then I said, "I miss Daddy." A few seconds passed, as her little brain purred, and then she said, "Me too." I taped up our Christmas card over her changing table so now she says Good morning, good night and kisses Daddy throughout the day.

There's a lot going on with this girl 'cause when Daddy calls in the morning, you can count on I acting up, whining, being naughty and throwing tantrums. Every morning that he's been gone has been tough which is weird because he's been gone before, plenty of time. I don't know if it's because I've told her that Daddy is going to be gone for a long time or if it's because he left his car in the garage. Whenever we arrive home, she thinks Daddy is home and I think it's probably like ripping a newly formed scab off. I know the feeling but at least I have that mature perspective that she cannot possibly have yet.

Tomorrow Mark is coming over to collect his cats. I get to see him for the first time since July and get to meet his new son. I just need to prepare myself for the fact that he's 20 lbs. lighter and has lost his hair. I'm excited though and can't wait to see him.

Satisfying Email

About two months ago, a book at the library caught my eye because it was a true story about a lifelong friendship between two men, ending when one died of cancer. It was touching and I could identify with many of the feelings and thoughts the friend was going through watching his friend fight to live while knowing what eventually was coming. It brought me to tears several times but made me feel so much better being able to identify with someone about such a painful topic.

So I decided to email the author and tell him how much I appreciated his book,how sorry I was that he lost his friend and a little bit about Mark. Hit send and forgot about it.

Well, lo and behold a couple of weeks ago, he emailed me back apologizing for the delay but that he had been on the road reporting (he writes for newspapers too) on the election and just now was getting caught up on his emails. What impressed me is that it wasn't a canned email. He thanked me for writing him and sent his sincere thoughts about Mark and hoped things were still going okay. He asked if I would read his newest book and email him with my thoughts about it as well. Pretty cool!

I like being acknowledged, not just for what I do, but just that I've been heard and what I've said has been noted. To me, that's an integral piece of the puzzle between a good day and a great day.

It's Here

Today V is on his very long list of flights to eventually wind up in Riyadh or as I call it "that God forsaken place". How do I feel about it? Pretty doggone crappy. On top of that, I have caught I's virus and woke up in the middle of the night with a raw throat and pounding headache. Combine that with I waking me up at 5:30 because her nose was running and we're off to a great start of a long two weeks!

I'm trying to concentrate on the positives or it's going to be an even longer two weeks. So here's what I've come up with so far:

1. If I was dead, I wouldn't feel this pain in my throat and feel so lousy so I guess that means I'm alive, which is a very positive thing.

2. I have plenty of time at night to get all my work and personal projects done without guilt of neglecting V.

3. I like this time of year since I do all my shopping online, every day now there's packages on the porch for me to open and ooh and aah over at night.

4. I was stressing about making it to the mailbox before the mailman came to get that blasted postmark on the property taxes when lo and behold, he knocked on my door with a package and nicely took the envelope with him.

Who says life isn't about the small things? Baby steps, baby steps...

It's Almost Here

You probably assume I'm talking about Christmas but I'm not. I'm talking about V leaving for Saudi Arabia for 2 weeks and that day is tomorrow. This is the beginning of a six month tour of duty (no he's not in the military). Next month it will probably be three weeks there, one week back home (but still working). And now it's the day before he leaves and inevitably, I'm feeling sad and worried. I don't like him this far away and specifically in that country. He's flying hoome on the 23rd which doesn't give him a lot of wiggle room if something goes wrong with the flight.

Enough about that - can't control so just need to let it go. On a better note, we got our Christmas tree yesterday and got the lights on it and Isabella was really excited about it.



Over the next couple of days, we'll get the ornaments on it little by little until it is a perfect Christmas tree. Every tree is a perfect Christmas tree once we get all of our family ornaments on it. Telling Isabella the story behind each one is one of the things I look forward to the most. She won't understand too much of them this year, but as the years go on, I will enjoy passing on the stories to her. Ah, Christmas through a child's eyes - there is nothing like it! I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance!

Catching Up From Thanksgiving

A variety of topics have cropped up in the last four days that I need to air out.

First, Thanksgiving Day was a surprising low-stress day. There was still the annual bickering among my parents when the meat came out of the oven (don't ask me, it's just a phenomenon of sorts). However, that was the extent of the stress. So I was really happy about that.

Then Saturday arrived and we went to our weekly "Linner" (Lunch/Dinner) at El Torito. However, disaster had struck. The waiter/friend that has taken care of us since before I was pregnant with I. is MIA. As in he no longer works here. I swear I felt like crying. We just celebrated I.'s birthday here because of him and now he's gone. It's like a beloved member of the family is gone. Somehow I'm going to find him and we will see him again. This may seem bizarre to you but I. went from being scared of him to being fond of him to nicknaming him and looking forward to taking a "tour" of El Torito with him each week. To make it worse, our service was horrible last Saturday.

I'll finish this blog tomorrow - getting late right now.

Am I Living in the Land of Even Steven?

Ever since M was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the most common thought in my mind and coming out of my mouth was, "I wish they would come back home." I knew we could provide a lot of help, support, and love that he and his wife need at this time.

So my wish is coming true and they should be arriving the second week of December. As in moving here for good. What an answer to my prayers! I'm really excited and sort of relieved in a way. I just want some more time and moments with him.

The Even Steven part of it is that as they come down here, V is being sent to Saudi Arabia to work for 3 weeks. Then back for Christmas and New Years and then back to SA for another 3 weeks, home 1 week etc. This may go on for up to 6 months. So M comes back and V leaves. Why can't I have both here at the same time? It's felt like each day of this year, I've been missing someone and feeling like there's a hole in my heart. And I'm tired of it.

I struggle already with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" whenever things are going well and I know that and try to actively combat those kind of thoughts. But then there's this - M is coming home and I'm blissfully happy about that for one week until I find out V is being shipped off to some God forsaken place. See, one week and then the shoe drops. At least that's how it seems.

Thank God I have a book on hold at the library called "The Geography of Bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world". It's been recommended and seems to be just what the doctor orders when it comes to filling my mind with helpful tips on how to have positive and thankful thoughts. I'll let you know how that turns out!

An Attempt to Explain New Blog Title

I've always been a bit of an odd duck and this trend has continued, if not grown, as I've gotten older. When I was younger I didn't appreciate it, understand it, and certainly didn't like it. No matter what group I was with, I just didn't quite fit in for one reason or another. That's hard when you're young or even when you're in your 20s, trying to sort out what's going on in your life. I should have known back when I was 2.5 years old that it wouldn't get any better but what do you really know at that age?

However, once I hit 30, my best friend was also an odd duck and so our "oddness" brought comfort to each other and laid a foundation for a lifetime friendship. This is the same friend who is now dying of pancreatic cancer. Then I met my husband and he liked my contradictory nature. That term isn't exactly right in that, it's not me being contradictory per se, it's that I, my being, is contradictory. That's what drew him in (he says) and keeps him on his toes and interested now (I say) and a big part of why he finds me funny (we both say).

Here's some examples of Ms. Contradictory in action. When I broke my hand, almost broke the other one, and fractured my foot, I didn't cry. But if I think V is mad at or disappointed in me, I sob instantly. I'm friendly to people but I'm really kind of antisocial (a by product of being an only child for most of my childhood). Tactful but really offensive at times. Soft but strong. Healthy but enjoy my adult beverages. Highly responsible but wild and crazy. The list will continue as I think of them...

So even though this has caused me angst and hurt in the past, lately it's been paying off. I've got a lifelong friendship that will transcend anything and a great husband that I still like a lot and love a bunch. I'd say that's a pretty great payoff!

A Blog Overhaul

So, I decided to give my blog a major overhaul in hopes that it would lead me to post more often. I created it to be a place to document the humorous, exhausting and frustrating sides of being a stay at home mother.

But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.

Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.

Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.

The Day After

Today I felt better. Not good enough to talk about the weekend but good enough to not be dragging through the day. A couple of more days for that, I think. Looking forward to going to a Mom's Night In tomorrow night - I think that's just what I need!

One thing I forgot last night while writing but remembered while on the treadmill this morning is the oncology floor of the hospital. I just pray that I don't end up there at my end - let me go fast or asleep or randomly on another floor of the hospital. The one day I was there, I heard someone puking their guts out many times, probably as a result of chemo, and someone sobbing gut and heart wrenching sobs. That was the worst, it just went on and on. No one should have to suffer like that and I pray that I and my family won't have to go through that kind of pain in the future.

That's it for now.

Best Day of My Year

I just got back last night from visiting my friend who has pancreatic cancer in Seattle. He ended up going back in the hospital last Wednesday after they found a hole in his intestine (probably a result of the radiation) and a blood infection. So I went straight to the hospital Saturday night from the airport to see him.

Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.

So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.

But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.

In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.

Good and Bad Day

This was a day of contradictions I think. Woke up feeling down but before I got out of bed I made myself think of 3 great things about my life. I came up with being healthy, happily married, and having Isabella. That got me out of bed and I got to get ready for the day all by myself. We had swimming class this morning before a momma's playdate and the warm salt water felt really good to me. Also, I am cherishing these times with Isabella since I have had the teachers saying she is almost ready for the next stage of classes. So I enjoyed myself.

Next we went to a momma's playdate which we enjoyed though it was hectic. Isabella didn't let it phase her and had a great time which made me enjoy it that much more. It's amazing how much I enjoy things more now that I have Isabella. I got to see a momma I hadn't seen in awhile and that was nice though it was hard to concentrate midst the chaos. At times I felt like I was floating on an island of tiredness and sadness though and that wasn't a good feeling when you're surrounded by children and adults. Reminded me of when I was depressed which wasn't good.

Got home, needed a rest but had men clomping on the roof cleaning the gutters and it freaked Isabella out (understandably so) and so I ended up spending resttime rocking her in the chair for 45 minutes. No resttime for Momma today. The good thing is that we were very lovey dovey today - cuddling this morning, during resttime and then later on in the afternoon which was nice for me. Isabella is so active and rambunctious that these cuddling, lovey times are a real blessing and I needed them badly!

Talked to Vinny a couple of times today which was a treat but then found out that he was going to be gone all next week too which is a bummer. Then I thought maybe it was best since I don't feel like good company right now anyway. The contradictory day continued...

Got an email from my friend's wife and that was confusing to me too. His bilirubin levels still weren't low enough for exploratory surgery so they have to wait to retest on Monday. She hasn't provided me a suitable phone number so I have to leave a voice mail on his work cell phone and then email her to listen to it. That frustrates me and pisses me off towards her since I asked for a better phone number. Then she said the tumor is around 2 veins so they can't remove it which supposedly is good news? How is that good news?! She ended the email with they feel like they're past the worst of it so they just want to start chemo. How is it that they're past the worst of it? I'm confused, irritated, and frustrated and there is nothing I can do about it.

Let's see what tomorrow holds...

I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please

I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.

A quick tally:

Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness

I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.

I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.

Hitting MY Head on a Brick Wall! (see previous post's title)

I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall. I swear it would make me feel better...

It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.

For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"

The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!

Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.

Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.

Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!