Emotional Hangover

Tired today.  Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week.  A lot was going on.  Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint.  She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer.  She was scheduled last week for a procedure that  should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure.  Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.

Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss.  My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it.  I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions.  Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover.  Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern.  They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable.  My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.

V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary.  However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth?  It's priceless of course.  So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill.  Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?"  For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.

Speaking of  "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post.  Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still.  Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things.  I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.

Heck of A Good Valentine's Day

Not only a heck of a good Valentine's Day, I think that this year may have been the best one yet.  And I only had to wait 41 years for it.  But it was well worth it.

In my teenage years, Valentine's was just another day.  When I got engaged and  married the first time, it usually was a day preceded by arguments and no matter what the plans were, there was an underlying feeling of disappointment.  Then I became divorced and single again and Valentine's became the dreaded holiday; the one where everyone else received flowers at work and had great plans and mine involved just ignoring it and making it through.  I developed a bitterness of sort towards it but once I. married V., we acknowledged it but didn't turn it into a real big deal, more of a nod.  A nod involving us getting cards for one another and V. getting me flowers, which I have to admit I enjoyed a lot.

This year I.'s school celebrated Father's Day on Valentine's Day since they will be out of school for Father's Day.  V. and I showed up at 11:30 and enjoyed a touching singing program by the kids followed by a box lunch that he and I. shared.  Then there was time afterwards he and I. to play together on the playground which was a real treat.  For dinner, I reserved a special dinner that I only had to pick up and reheat so after the kids went to bed we enjoyed a wonderful candlelight dinner with wine from our honeymoon days and sharing of cards from one another as well as a bunch from I.  And V. brought me some really nice flowers too.

It was funny to look back at my expectations of Valentine's past and the disappointment it usually led to.  This year I had no expectations and watching I. and V. play together happily as I held our baby boy gave me the best feelings of joy, contentedness, and love.  These feelings spilled over into excitement that I had a nice dinner arranged at home for us and that V. was going to be home to share it.

Is my life perfect?  No, I wish V. had a more "normal" job where he left at 7 in the morning, got home close to 5 every night, had less travel, and didn't have work on the weekends that made him get up at 5am.  That being said, my life is great, really doggone great right now.  I may not feel like that initially at 4am when some days I'm woken up from a deep sleep to start the day, but by 6:30 after nursing and a lot of snuggling, I'm back there.  I never thought I'd feel like this, maybe happy yes, but this is several steps beyond happy and I count myself really really lucky.

Long Time No Post

It's been 2 weeks since I last posted due to a combination of computer issues, sickness, and absences.  Blogger has decided that it will no longer allow Internet Explorer to open its website and blogs so I have to make a conscience effort each day to utilize Google Chrome to open Blogger.  This extra step throws me off and often I don't open it.  For the past week, I've been battling a cold thanks to I. and nursing D. literally back to health from the same cold (as well as I. but I haven't been nursing her literally).  Also, V. was gone pretty much for the past 2 weeks so I was busy getting the taxes inputted online, getting account reconciliations done, and other mundane, time-consuming projects that I don't feel like doing when he's here.

This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries.  Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.

One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to.  On their website  they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed.  They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I.  I will be going with D. just to capture it on film.  She is so excited.  I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has.  I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap.  It is a strange life that we live.

Missing the Hubby

This is a picture from the hubby's birthday dinner that we sneaked out for last week.  We really had a good time.  Now I'm missing him big time.  I have gotten used to him being around at least part of the week.  Even on the nights when he can't make it home for bath or bedtime with the kids, at least I know he'll be around for the evening and that brings me comfort.  This week beginning today (Sunday) he's over in Florida and next week he'll be in San Francisco and Dallas.

It's funny how you get accustomed to what you have to.  I mean I survived V. being in Saudi Arabia for a month or more at a time for 18 months total and I'm having a hard time with him being gone for a week at a time?

The fact is though that we are in a different place, a very different place, than we were during the Saudi Arabia time.  Those were dark times for both of us - going through a work separation that we didn't anticipate nor wanted plus making it through Mark's death.  It was just bad all around.  But we made it, barely it seemed at times.  We came back stronger, more aware of what we could have lost, more thankful for what we still had.

And then our little surprise made itself known.  And that led to another major surprise that it was a boy.  The healing began in baby steps but still there was the stress of how this would change our family, going from just I. to another, would V. be around at all unlike with I., and would I be able to handle 2 kids at a time.  Then D. arrived and the miracles began.  A miracle that he was able to be born as I had hoped for, that he was safe and healthy despite his traumatic arrival, and as we got to know him, that he truly was the "completer" of our family.  He not only completes V. and I kids-wise, he touches something in I. and her little heart swells whenever she sees him.  We are so blessed.

This baby has brought a new tender sweetness to V. and I's relationship.  V. and I are both strong, independent, capable individuals.  He can go away and know that I will be okay - our family and home will be okay.  But one of the best parts of "us" is that we have always been that one person for each other to whom we can just lay our defenses down, not guard ourselves and feel safe.  We know we can survive on our own but we don't want to.  Since D. has been here, giving him a bath together before he gets nursed and put to bed, is a really special time for us to share.  Of course I enjoy giving him a bath even if it's by myself but when V. is here, it adds an additional level of feeding of my soul.  We are experiencing it together and are creating shared memories that we will be able to look back on and smile.  With the hours V. works, this is not a given and I don't take it for granted.

Just another reason why I'm missing the hubby...

Refrigerated Thoughts

I just finished cleaning and organizing the fridge and freezer, something I've put off forever. While I was doing it, I thought about the age old argument between working women and stay at home moms. Many working women think stay at home moms do nothing all day, let alone something substantial, and that they are letting their minds go to pot causing them to become boring individuals who have nothing to add to a conversation that doesn't revolve around their children. Instead of making me angry, it just makes me sad for these women and their present and/or future children. Nurturing a baby, shaping a child's character and just being there for a child's firsts, joys, sadnesses, and disappointments is not "doing nothing". It is pure joy if you live in the moment, appreciate the little things and keep perspective on how quickly time passes and one day I will be alone and able to do whatever I want to do and I have a feeling that I'll be very sad that these days are over.

Yes, cleaning the fridge is not exciting. No one is going to hand me a paycheck for it, promote me to a better, more prestigious job, or probably even acknowledge it with a pat on the back (though I may get a pat on the butt from V.). That doesn't matter. What matters is that I enjoy making a nice nest for my children and husband, a place where we are all safe and loved, a place where we can hide from the dog eat dog work world, the kindergarten world where you learn that not everyone is kind to you, and the 5 month old world where everything is new, semi-bewildering, and often overwhelming. We all need a safe place to land and that is the reason for everything I do right now in life.

Am I looking out for number one (myself) anymore? Certainly not and thank God. I did that enough in my single days and it was pretty empty after awhile. Lots of freedom and lots of simplicity but at the end of the day, I was certainly much more unhappy then than I am now. I like that I get ready in the morning before taking I. to school and I don't look in a mirror until I've gotten them in the bed and am getting in the shower. To me that's a good sign of a meaningful life and no, I didn't look like something the cat dragged in all day. I take pride in how I look, I just don't have the time to dwell on myself. I'd much rather look into my childrens' eyes and watch their facial expression as they look at something, than look at myself. I know what I look like, I want to memorize their little faces now before they change.

I love this saying because it is so true and snaps me back into perspective when I feel myself getting frustrated with kid situations: "The days are long, but the years are short." Isn't that the truth!

Breastfeeding blessings

If you have ever breastfed a baby, you'll probably get what I am going to say. There is just something, especially after a 4-5 hour break, about putting a little human being onto your breast as their mouth is hungrily searching for you and having them begin drinking in the nourishment that keeps them alive. Every night at D.'s twilight feeding I experience this protective feeling and a sense of wonder that my body can sustain a baby, not just in utero but "out" utero too. Makes me really thankful that I got to experience it once again.

Day Off

I. had today off from school and we enjoyed our time together. On days that she doesn't have school, she is much more easy going, able to entertain herself for periods of time, creative, and cheerful. Basically, she's more fun to be around and requires much less emotion energy and patience. What's odd is that it's still a different vibe than on weekends, another time she doesn't have school. It must be Daddy's presence - it elicits new and different demands on her part and probably results in additional emotions and needs generated by him being home. We had a good day with the morning spent getting stuff done (ie. laundry, chiropractor etc.) and the afternoon being more play time. We got panninis at Vons for a special lunch treat since I had to go and get some coldcuts for V., came home and ate them, and then I got D. down for a nap. Even though it was supershort (35 min.), we were able to play a game the whole time and that was fun. Then I surprised her by taking her for frozen yogurt which is a special treat for both of us. An interesting tidbit came out while we were talking today. I know she loves school which is great but today she said that she looks at the clock all the time while she's in school looking to see if it's time to come home because she wants to come home. I never would have guessed that. I mean she is excited when I pick her up from school but she's also really excited in the morning when she's walking into class. Yet now that I think about it, although she has never been clingy, we always stand close to each other during the morning pledges and without fail, she gives me a big hug and kiss when it's time to walk in. She appears outwardly to be perfectly happy to be going to school and I think in most ways she probably is but inside I am beginning to suspect that part of her really does miss me, though she won't admit it often. I'll have to keep this new knowledge in mind.