The Gift That Keeps Giving

It was a lousy night of sleep thanks to the combination of bursitis in one shoulder and a dry throat tickle that kept threatening to choke me. I was up and down all night and actually was glad that V. wasn't in bed with me, suffering through my misadventures.

When V. called this morning from San Francisco, I was informed that he is now suffering from the same virus, courtesy of me it appears. While I would never wish illness upon him, I have to say that secretly I am hoping that this will boost his empathy quotient. He rarely gets sick and I think he forgets how lousy it is especially if you still have to push through, as I do as a "single", stay at home momma. So maybe today as he struggles with ear pain, sore throat and chills, he'll reflect that this is how I felt/feel the last few days and still am trudging up and down three flights of stairs with loads of laundry, picking up toys throughout the house, and keeping up with our force of nature (I.) at the same time.

Being a stay at home momma, especially one whose husband is gone, is not for the faint hearted, not physically, mentally or emotionally. Why I don't give myself more credit for doing it for the last three years is beyond me. If it were someone else, I'd be giving them props every time I saw them. Stupid isn't it?

Positive Images of the Vacation

I thought I'd just post the good pictures from the vacation to show the high points of the trip since I keep putting off posting in length about the trip. I've alluded to much of the low points of the trip, so here's the highlights:

Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic

in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully

Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"

Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.

I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".

Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.

Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.

V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...

I Need...

...a husband who is around enough to know that you don't put away a puzzle that I. just finishes because that's basically destroying something she did right before her eyes.

...a child who is getting enough sleep and not adjusting to a time zone change.

...a sound-proof breakfast room with a locked door so that I can eat my breakfast without my stomach knotting up, watching the disastrous interactions between V. and I.

Random Topics

Note: this picture has to do with the topic two paragraphs down but I can't get Blogger to cooperate in putting a picture where I want to in my post.

Still digesting the vacation but a few things have come to the forefront of my mind in the meantime.

Even though I didn't feel very good this morning, I went to the gym and getting on the treadmill actually made me feel better. I got to catch up with a couple of my gym "peeps" and that was nice especially a conversation I had with a lady friend who has 2 kids in their 30's now. She asked about the vacation and I told her honestly how it was. She began laughing and told me that she remembered having a few of those vacations when her boys were young. Those vacations when you're working harder and more worn out than if you just had stayed home. She said she remembered looking at the pictures of the vacations and while it looked like they were a lot of fun, she knew the "real" story behind the pictures. I have to say it made me feel a lot better. It seems like I am surrounded by moms who have kids that are more flexible and less volatile when it comes to travelling and sleep. It made me feel less alone and less disappointed by this vacation.

In a completely unrelated topic, there are a lot of stray dogs in Puerto Rico which is a real shame. These dogs roam the beach, looking for food and water and people just don't seem to get their animals fixed - stupid. There was a dog that hung around the beach right outside of our condo complex and in my typical Dr. Doolittle-style (as V. calls me), he tugged at my heart. It took some quiet words and calm demeanor but finally he came over, allowed me to pet him and we became friends. If I went out on the beach in the evening by myself and he was sitting near other people, I would just go and sit on my towel on the beach by myself and within 2 minutes, he'd come over shyly and bury his head in my lap as I pet him. He was so skinny that it was painful to see and on my last night he was feeling so poorly, I am certain he isn't long for this world. V. and the girls didn't seem to understand my attachment and desire to be kind to this animal stranger. I mean after all, I was going to be leaving soon so what's the point? Plus it wasn't like he was a beautiful, clean, energetic dog. He was filthy, full of fleas on the outside and God knows what on the inside, and very little energy. Yes, I could see all that but I also sensed from the first time I saw him that he was shy, sweet, and scared. People in Puerto Rico are so used to seeing strays that they just ignore them. To me it makes even more sense to show kindness to something/someone who never receives it. That led me to thinking as I sat there with my little dog that I'm very consistent with this mindset. The mindset extending from not shying away from dirty strays to people in the last stages of death. To me, these are exactly the creatures who should be shown love, gentle caring, and kindness as they make their way through the last days. Again, working with hospice in some fashion comes to my mind and all because of a sweet, sick stray dog in Puerto Rico.

This year for Mother's and Father's Day, I wrote letters to my parents about my childhood memories and what I appreciate about each of them. Mark's death made me realize many things, one of which being that today is the time to tell those you love how much you appreciate and love them. One thing I wrote in my dad's letter is how much I appreciate how he says "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation. When I was living at home, I don't remember him saying it all the time but as he's gotten older, he's become much more verbally and physically loving. My mother was very loving towards me my whole life but due to her screwed up mother, didn't verbally say "I love you" all that much, though I knew she did so it wasn't a big deal. However, when my dad started ending all our conversations with it, it became more obvious that my mom never said it. Well, I guess she read my letter to him because this past month, every time we get off the phone she says she loves me and you know what? It makes a big difference and gives me a new, warm feeling even after 40 years of being her daughter. It also reminds me that I need say those three words more often to I. on a daily basis because it probably gives her that same warm feeling too.

Not There Yet

I just too tired, way too tired to do a complete post tonight about the vacay. I'm hoping that if I download my pics it will bring up the positives of the vacation and distract me from the negatives.

One thing I do want to post just so I don't forget is that on the drive home yesterday from the airport, I realized that I was pretty proud of myself making it to Puerto Rico and back by myself with I., navigating all the obstacles successfully, calmly, and with a sense of adventure even if I was panicking just a little inside. The key thing was to not tip I. off to any anxiety and I did accomplish that. So I'm happy about that.

Hoping for a more insightful posting tomorrow...

Still Digesting

With all the post vacation things that need to be done (grocery shopping, unpacking, etc.) I don't have time to really post this morning. Just as well since I'm still digesting this past vacation.

I'll just leave it at this for now: I am exhausted, completely drained and I just got back from vacation. I don't think that's a very good sign. Last night at 10:30, a random display of affection also explained what the vacation was like. My normally emotionally reticent husband who doesn't typically offer empathy got up from the couch, walked over and kissed me. When I inquired what that was for, he replied, "You've had a really tough week."

Need I say more? It wasn't just that I perceived it to be a really tough week, it was a tough week. 'Nough said for now, maybe a full posting tonight...