Baby Steps

This week I finally made my first forays into social settings, mostly for I.'s sake. She hasn't been around kids her own age for almost a month now and I have felt bad about that. So Thursday we went to a pool playdate and Friday we went to someone's house for a small playdate with some of I.'s closest friends. I. warmed up very slowly on Thursday since these weren't kids that she knew very well but ended up playing with them and having a good time. Friday, she had a blast with all her good friends and it was nice to watch her having such a good time.

It's not that I had a bad time. It's just felt like I was watching from a million miles away, observing and all the while telling myself what I should be doing. I should be smiling more, talking more, being more friendly, asking more questions etc etc etc. To the point, that by 1pm on Friday, I literally hit the wall and felt like if I didn't leave right now, I was going to be too exhausted to drive us home. I kind of felt like a freak with how quickly it hit me and how quickly we left but honestly, I was that tired. Then we got home and got I. down for a rest and could I doze off, nope. I just laid there and hoped to somehow make it through the rest of the afternoon with an active child.

I think it was just too much, too long, too soon. I need to pace myself better and have a couple of social situations a week but not back to back if I can help it. It's just too exhausting and overwhelming to me right now. I am a big tangled mess of swirling emotions. How can I expect myself to begin, let alone carry, a conversation with anyone normal when I'm like this. To pretend adds another layer of anxiety that I really don't need right now and exhausts me. Baby steps, that's what I need.

Baby steps is what Jodi and I took this afternoon. Mark's friends were having a big August birthday bash and Jodi wanted to go but not by herself so she asked me if I would go with her. So we went for about an hour or so and then left which seemed about the right amount of time. It wasn't as stressful as being with "normal" people because they're all sad about Mark and noone expects us to act a certain way. It was a little uncomfortable for me because everyone was talking to Jodi but I was just kind of standing there because really, this is only the second time that I've met these people. So I just kept talking to Mark in my mind, telling him that I was doing this as part of the promise I made to him to help Jodi make this transition to life without him. By driving her to this party, being her wingman, allowing her to have a couple of shots of Jagermeister with his friends (she doesn't drink so this was a special occasion), I feel like I was helping her across that road to having Mark's friends now become her friends and finding comfort and support in that.

On a very positive note, things with V. and I have been going well and in fact, he sent me an email this afternoon before he got on the plane, telling me that he missed me and that he actually did reread my "intervention" letter today (I snuck it in his suitcase). When we talked this morning, he shared something really funny and I laughed and laughed about it. Still chuckling about it now in fact. Every night while I. is eating dinner, I have her tell me what she wants to tell Daddy about her day and I write it in an email. Then in the morning, there is an email to her from Daddy and she is just tickled! I think that is helping keep the connection with V. alive and well since she truly is her Daddy's girl. A few weeks more and he'll be back. I'm really looking forward to it.

I Miss My Friend

Finally got around to downloading pictures for the last month and there were some pictures of Mark and I from our last "normal" day together and it took me by surprise. This picture tears me up and I began hyperventilating as I was sobbing and still continue to sob. Partly because I miss his smile and him. But also because I look at both of our smiles and see the pure joy and beauty of our friendship despite the life situations. Anyone can look at our faces and see the joy that we have just being together.

Keep in mind that it was just a few hours after this picture was taken on Sunday afternoon, that Mark started the steep decline and finally died on Thursday at 10:52 am. While I am so thankful for getting to read him all our good memories, hug him tightly, and be there with him to the end, my grief is deep, painful, and far reaching. I am changed forever having seen and been through everything I've gone through the last month - it's not even the viewing or the funeral. I could contain that - it's the actual watching my best friend my age slowly die over 3 days that has changed me. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through and the things I saw and experienced during those 3 days haunt me. I saw and experienced the human pain of others - his wife Jodi, his sister, and his parents and that pain was more than I ever had felt and all this was in addition to my own pain.

Will write more later - too overwhelmed now.

I am so thankful that I have this picture though because it captures our friendship. Here is the photo from almost exactly a year ago when I flew up to Seattle for a weekend to be with Mark.

It's Beginning to Descend

This morning V. had to go in to work so it was just me and his parents for the morning. It was nice for 3 adults to be reading different sections of several papers and sharing interesting tidbits - I really have missed consistent, adult conversations.

That thought process led me to a sad downhill that tomorrow at 11am., I. and I will be dropping everyone off at the airport and will then be on our own again for a month. Days, I can do - I. and I have each other and we can have fun and create our own routine, but once she goes to bed, the long nights will be there for me. I've enjoyed having the adult company around as long as no one takes it personally when I need to pull the rip cord and disappear for a little while. I've especially enjoyed having this new and improved version of V., the one that I'm so scared is going to disappear once he leaves. I went to my therapist today and heard some of what went on at his appt. with her (since I'm officially still the patient) and it was pretty amazing and explained some of what I was seeing in him. I think I know what I can do to help us while he's gone and after our discussion tonight, I think we are better equipped for this separation. We'll see though, and that's the stress.

Regardless, tomorrow will be another day of loss for I. and I. It breaks my heart to see her face crumble as people she loves leave her again for a long time. How do I make it okay for her when it's not okay? I tell her that we have each other and that we will do fun things and love and snuggle each other but even I know it's not enough to cover the loss but what can I do? It's frustrating, heartbreaking, and adds to my sadness and anger that I can't make it better for her or I for that matter. I'm dealing with so much grief already but when I. sobs in my arms, not wanting anyone else to comfort her or see her crying (just like me), I almost lose it and just sob with her. She's so much like me - tough on the exterior but so soft in the interior if you can get in there. God help me in the present and in the future for I.'s sake.

First Good Day in Awhile

This may be too much information but it was a first so I must document it. Despite the fact that we had a full house to say the least last night with all beds and couches manned, things got a little frisky and in the middle of it (and this is the first that I was talking about), V. says to me, "I'm really going to miss you." I honestly feel like that's the nicest thing he's ever said to me, at least in my memory. I will be replaying that for the next month in my mind.

This afternoon, I got to spend a few hours with a friend of mine who used to be my therapist about 8 years back and that was helpful and enjoyable. We went and walked at the beach for an hour and a half and then had a mojito and an appetizer that she forced me to eat at a local restaurant. It was good to talk with someone who "got it" without me having to preface anything or worry about how I said something. I have to admit, I was pretty exhausted afterwards due to the subject matter but I was able to doze off for 15 minutes and it was enough to recharge my battery for the evening.

The BBQ went really well - our parents had a fantastic time and so did we. Even though they are from 2 separate coasts, they just have always gotten along so well - talking, laughing, just like they were old friends. V. and I went inside to clean up and make coffee and they were just cracking up and talking up a storm. I especially felt happy for V.'s parents since they don't seem to ever have time to have fun, relax, and socialize with people their age. Really a fun night for everyone.

I. had a hard time with her sisters leaving this morning and I'm trying to prepare myself for Tuesday when V. and his parents all go to the airport and it's just I. and I. It's really almost impossible not to feel abandoned in a way. We've had all these people here around us, surrounded by love and fun, and then BOOM! everyone is gone and it's back to just her and I. Usually V. is working when he comes home from Saudi so we still don't get to enjoy him all that much but this time, he's been home and it's going to be very hard on both I. and I.

The Apocalypse Must Be Coming...

...because this morning, not only was I allowed to sleep until 9:10am, I was woken up by V. with a cup of hot coffee for me. Understand that this has never, never happened even during our woo-ing time so I was amazed and touched and I have to admit, a little suspicious. Whoever this V. is, is the one I want to come back home to me! Tuesday is going to be especially tough since usually when V. comes home from Saudi, he is still working as opposed to the last 4 days, when he's been able to participate in family things and hang out. But I'll still enjoy the time we've spent (and will spend).

Tomorrow should be a good day. I've scheduled some time with a girlfriend of mine and then my parents will be over for an adult BBQ with V., me, and V.'s parents and it should be fun for all.

End of the Week

I made it through the first "normal" week in one piece. It was a week full of a lot of different things - started it off with 2 therapist appointments (one for me, one for V.), moved on to an evening away for a concert, and now the inlaws and stepdaughters are here. After a full day today, I'm upstairs hibernating with my laptop, Sex in the City reruns, magazines, and a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. You don't even want to know the lengths I had to go to in order to smuggle the bottle, a glass, and bottle opener up here.

The therapist appointments seem to go well since V. came home after his and I could immediately sense a more relaxed, open vibe from him. We had fun together during our time away though I had some defenses up but things are still getting better. He seems to be more concerned about my feelings and doing things to help get me the space I need. Really, the only stress that has to do with us is the fact that he's leaving on Tuesday (as are his parents) to be gone for a month or so. I just hope the wall doesn't go back up and we're back to square one. I told him that I was going to be on high alert this time around and that I was going to "call him" on it if I felt the wall being erected.

The visit has been going well. V.'s parents are low maintenance so that makes it easy. The only close call came tonight. I spent time making meatloaf and roasted broccoli and then when it came time to serve it, I realized that there was only going to be enough for 5 people so I didn't get any which was okay really because I had eaten a sandwich at lunchtime and wasn't hungry. It was more the embarrassment factor because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad but it worked out okay so was just a close call.

When the girls arrived tonight, they gave me hugs and then with huge smiles on their faces said they were sorry for me losing my friend. I said thank you, shrugged ('cause what else is there really to say), and went upstairs to take a shower. I was kind of pissed off because I knew V. had said something to them to make them say that to me. Or maybe I was irritated that they said it with these huge smiles on their faces like they were ready to crack up. I let it go though and figure that they were just nervous and uncomfortable and that's why they were smiling. I think the bottom line is this: too little, too late.

It's still hard to get into the flow of normal life. I can go through the motions of all of it, but my heart is just not into it. It all just feels empty and at times, pointless. I guess that's just how it's going to be for awhile.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here's the good to start things off. Mark's party went really well yesterday with all his good friends showing up as well as his parents. One friend made this really amazing banner that brought Jodi almost to tears and put big smiles on his parents' faces.

There were a lot of good stories, beer, great food, a hidden flask of whiskey (Maker's Mark of course). I did have a good time and stayed from 10:30ish til 6:30.

The bad is that now that all the events are over, I'm not sure what to do. I'm attempting to move on with normal things - cleaning, laundry, the gym, taking care of I. etc. but there is an underlying sadness and depression that no one seems to understand. It seems like unless I am sobbing (which I don't do in front of people), people around me just think I'm doing fine and am expected to act normally in all situations. It reminds me of when I was sick before but always made sure I looked good, that people just assumed I was fine. I let them assume that until it was almost too late. I'm not sure what to do about this but as of August 11th, I will be on my own again with I. for awhile so I won't have to deal with it as much. For now, I'm just exhausted by the evening and then have a ton of dreams for 3/4 of the night.

The ugly is that the train seems to be off the tracks (at least in my view) with V. He came home Wednesday night after I was already in bed and even though he knew I was still awake, he didn't hug or kiss me. We made it through the next day civilly but by that night, I basically had an intervention, reading to him a one page letter of how his lack of care has made me feel the last few weeks and how things need to change. He agreed to go see my therapist on Monday afternoon and acknowledged that every time he goes over to Saudi Arabia, he builds a wall up to survive and it doesn't come down even after he comes home. I felt like we made some headway but then Friday night came and all hell broke loose. He went to work up in LA so he could get the girls finally, the first time all summer. But then he arrived around 8pm. without the girls. I had thought that since they were coming down, we could take 1 car and then when I was ready to leave Mark's party, I'd call V. and have him pick me up. I asked where the girls were and he said they chose to stay home. I asked if it was because of Mark's party and he said "partly". That just pissed me off on so many levels that I won't go into and I made the comment that "I was so sorry I was such a pariah to the Valdez side of my life". Later I said I had better get some taxi numbers so that I could have a ride home from the party and V. made some comment "well, if you're going to drink ALL afternoon etc. etc. etc." and I went fucking ballistic which I rarely do.

I think what set me off is the perceived slur that I had no right to drink all afternoon if I wanted to, if I deserved to. It got ugly after that and while I'm not proud, I think what I said deserved to be said. My life has changed forever as a result of what I've experienced and have gone through and no time soon will I return to normal. If V. wants to act like life is status quo and keep his wall up, there will be a price to pay. Unfortunately, I feel like since I don't have the wall up, it is I that is paying the price, once for Mark and then again for V.

I just keep thinking, "like I needed this shit". That seems to be my mantra now. I thought our marriage was a team that couldn't be broken after all we've been through but now my foundation is shaken and I don't know what to think. At this time, it's extremely disconcerting and just adds to my sadness.