A Draft from the Past

I just stumbled across this Draft post from March 2007.  This would have been when I. was about 16 months old.   The first paragraph reminds me of what challenges I faced with I. when she was young.  The second paragraph really supports how I've felt with supporting I. this year during her challenges with unkind "friends".  I'm going to print that out and tape it to my mirror to keep this in mind. 

I tell you, lately my baby girl has been trying my patience! She's at that age when she knows exactly what she wants to do but she's not able to always make that happen. That's where I come in. I usually have a second or two to decipher what she wants and if I'm not successful in this short time, a tantrum ensues. Though I am proud of her that she has matured to the point where she knows what she wants, the stress of trying to figure out what she wants in the short time period is exhausting at times. Multiply this by 10-15 times a day and you have one wiped out person by the end of the day. Of course, these expectations are only for me; Daddy gets a much longer time period and her grandparents have unlimited time to figure these things out. I guess I should take this as a big compliment but it's hard to do at the time.

One thing I've felt strongly about is being positive about your child even if you don't necessarily feel like it. One mom I know seems to never be happy with her child. She only wanted to nurse and wouldn't eat solids - now she eats solids but not neatly enough. Then her child wouldn't walk "enough", now she is irritated that her child is walking everywhere, getting into everything. I felt bad for her child because I thought to myself, "If you're not in her corner, who will be?" We as moms need to be the first and primary cheerleaders for our kids. If we don't think they're great, how will they think they are great and have the mental and emotional strength to make it through all the battles of school and life.

So that's the thought of the post. No matter how frustrated I am with my baby, I am still going to make sure she understands she is loved, liked, enjoyed, and valued.

Tough Week

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I feel the end of the school year quickly approaching and the hot breath of things that would be easier to get done before that date on my neck.  The feelings of chaos, clutter, and being overwhelmed has been at my heels the past 2 weeks and a wicked, bleeding case of diaper rash for poor D. has only intensified the clamor. 

All this week my normal routine has been thrown into disarray.  I've been going to bed late, getting D. up late at night to change him to try to divide his night by dry diapers.  I've been getting up early to limit the time his normal morning poop is resting against his butt.  When he wakes up early at morning nap, I have to stop my work out and get him up to get the poop off his butt.  And in the afternoon when I normally grab 1.5 hours to gather steam and get some things done, I've had to get him up as soon as I hear him whimpering.  I feel so bad for my little guy as I truly understand how painful and irritating and exhausting pain in that region can be but after an entire week, I am physically and emotionally exhausted myself in dealing with his irritability and tantrums solo since V. has been gone since Sunday.

Today was just one of those uphill, backwards with a leg tied up behind me kind of day.  It was so bad that even I., my non-empathy child, felt sorry for me.  I was physically wrecked and emotionally done but the straw on the camel's back was a voice mail from my sister early this afternoon.  Considering our history, this was not surprising.  Unbeknownst to me, she's landed herself in jail and calls my cell phone to tell me that she thinks she can't come back and live with my parents because I am being selfish and having my kids live in her room a few nights of the week.  And she doesn't understand why she is being isolated from the family on holidays because she didn't do anything and it must be me because I am the eldest.  And she is pleading with me as a sister to let her plant her feet into her room at my parents' house and that none of this is her fault, blah blah blah.  It pissed me off and exponentially added to my feeling of being overwhelmed.  If I was a more irresponsible person, I would have insisted upon a night and day by myself to just detox and recover.

But I am a very responsible person and I have missed V. this week and would like to see him and my step-daughters are finally coming down tomorrow afternoon and it will be good to catch up with them.  So, I take a deep breath and hope for a better day, knowing that at the very least, I won't have to get up extra early since V. is here.  He'll be up at 4:30 or 5:00 so getting the kids up by 6:30 is like nothing to him.  Hopefully that will be enough to hit my reset button.

Moments Like These

It was one of those moments I may have missed as a first time mom but now as a mom of a last one, I relished the moment.  A bit of play time with D. and as usual we needed to replace batteries in one of his toys.  This is one of his favorite things to do.  When I announce, "We need to fix this."  he goes running into the kitchen where the screwdriver is kept and clamors until it is given to him.  Then we begin the fixing process together.

And that's where this story begins and ends, in the word "together".  We open the battery compartment together and while he runs the old batteries to the trash, I gather the new batteries.  This is when it gets memorable.  D. always wants to sit on my lap as I put the batteries in and tighten the screw.  His little head is right below my head; I smell his hair and feel it on my lips as I kiss his head.  After we get it fixed, it's his turn at the screwdriver and he remains on my lap.  I adjust my body so that I can see his profile because if I could, I'd sear it into my memory forever.  He is focused and as he puts the screwdriver onto the screw, his lips purse together with effort.  His thumb and forefinger on his left hand pinch together as he struggles to put the screwdriver head onto the screw.  And when he is successful, I rub his upper arm or his back to relax him a little and quietly congratulate him - "you fixed it", "D. did it!".  His lips relax enough to smile and I can see how proud he is of himself and I am proud for him. 

It is these moments that I am so grateful to be home for, to share with him, to build him up.  I pray that although he won't remember these times, his heart will remember and know that his momma was there for these moments and that she loves him very much.

Bday Weekend Break CatchUp

Really enjoying my birthday break in Laguna.  Nice to be able to go through the day relaxed and without any demands.  Basically floating through the day as I please.  Did a lot of reading today and played games/had fun with V.  That right there makes it a good, fun day and different than my usual day which is kind the whole point of getting a break - to do something completely different than normal. 

Even while it was such a great day (as was Friday afternoon), I'm missing my kids.  I miss I., my little turtle, who sometimes tries to act like I annoy her but who saves every single written word/note I give her and tapes them to her headboard.  While I may not experience it demonstrably on a daily basis, I sense from other times, a fierce, deep love in her for me.  One that sometimes she may be overwhelmed by and not sure how to handle and express. 

I miss my baby boy - his exuberance, his zest for everything and his loving, affectionate, playful self.  I miss his curls against my lips when I kiss him and the way he stares deeply in my eyes sometimes when I sing him his bedtime songs while he's lying in my arms.

 The saying of how once you  have kids, your heart walks outside of your body  is so true.  Because even while enjoying myself and V. and the break, at the end of the day there was a painful twinge tugging at my heart saying that something very importantly is missing .  I know what it is, it's very simple - in over 2 days I haven't seen my kids, touched them, talked to them, hugged and kissed them and I deeply miss it. 

Note to self...do not go over one day without talking to the kiddos on the phone.  It would save a lot of heartache.

Time Off for Good Behavior

Tomorrow V. and I will be heading up to Laguna Beach for a long weekend, a birthday getaway for me.  We postponed it until Easter vacation so I. wouldn't miss school.  For the last 10 days, V. has been out of town working, except for 3 hours he was home to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  It's been a long 10 days for V. and also for me being the only one on duty with the kids.  This week we had fun while I. was off of school - a trip to the Wild Animal Park, linner at Souplantation, crafts, puzzles, games, a bike ride at the lake, a trip to the library, and lunch at our favorite breakfast place.  It was a good time.  I have to admit though, by Tuesday (day 8 without V.) I would wake up to the alarm in the morning and think, "Only 2 more days of waking up to an alarm." and the countdown continued through today.

Here's what I am looking forward to:  no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm.  I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.

That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car.  Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life.  I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day.  I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different. 

I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.