There were a lot of good stories, beer, great food, a hidden flask of whiskey (Maker's Mark of course). I did have a good time and stayed from 10:30ish til 6:30.
The bad is that now that all the events are over, I'm not sure what to do. I'm attempting to move on with normal things - cleaning, laundry, the gym, taking care of I. etc. but there is an underlying sadness and depression that no one seems to understand. It seems like unless I am sobbing (which I don't do in front of people), people around me just think I'm doing fine and am expected to act normally in all situations. It reminds me of when I was sick before but always made sure I looked good, that people just assumed I was fine. I let them assume that until it was almost too late. I'm not sure what to do about this but as of August 11th, I will be on my own again with I. for awhile so I won't have to deal with it as much. For now, I'm just exhausted by the evening and then have a ton of dreams for 3/4 of the night.
The ugly is that the train seems to be off the tracks (at least in my view) with V. He came home Wednesday night after I was already in bed and even though he knew I was still awake, he didn't hug or kiss me. We made it through the next day civilly but by that night, I basically had an intervention, reading to him a one page letter of how his lack of care has made me feel the last few weeks and how things need to change. He agreed to go see my therapist on Monday afternoon and acknowledged that every time he goes over to Saudi Arabia, he builds a wall up to survive and it doesn't come down even after he comes home. I felt like we made some headway but then Friday night came and all hell broke loose. He went to work up in LA so he could get the girls finally, the first time all summer. But then he arrived around 8pm. without the girls. I had thought that since they were coming down, we could take 1 car and then when I was ready to leave Mark's party, I'd call V. and have him pick me up. I asked where the girls were and he said they chose to stay home. I asked if it was because of Mark's party and he said "partly". That just pissed me off on so many levels that I won't go into and I made the comment that "I was so sorry I was such a pariah to the Valdez side of my life". Later I said I had better get some taxi numbers so that I could have a ride home from the party and V. made some comment "well, if you're going to drink ALL afternoon etc. etc. etc." and I went fucking ballistic which I rarely do.
I think what set me off is the perceived slur that I had no right to drink all afternoon if I wanted to, if I deserved to. It got ugly after that and while I'm not proud, I think what I said deserved to be said. My life has changed forever as a result of what I've experienced and have gone through and no time soon will I return to normal. If V. wants to act like life is status quo and keep his wall up, there will be a price to pay. Unfortunately, I feel like since I don't have the wall up, it is I that is paying the price, once for Mark and then again for V.
I just keep thinking, "like I needed this shit". That seems to be my mantra now. I thought our marriage was a team that couldn't be broken after all we've been through but now my foundation is shaken and I don't know what to think. At this time, it's extremely disconcerting and just adds to my sadness.
2 comments:
I know how you feel. Yes, people think that if you're not bawling your eyes out you're great and the world is peachy. I don't cry in front of others. They wouldn't know what to do with that anyway. Your husband needs to understand that right now you're in a place he can't understand and he should be there for you. They don't get it. For what it's worth my husband told me a week after my mother died that he was tired of his life revolving around me. Well, that's comforting. I told him I was sorry my mom had just died and he said, "No, I mean for our whole marriage." Ouch. He was frustrated because he didn't know how to help me but that wasn't quite the way to go about it.
Your life will never be the same. It just won't. It's a new normal, which is something I'm trying to adjust to now. I'm living the part of my life without my mom. The rest of my life without my mom. It's just a really strange place to be. It's new and I don't understand it and while I'm fine one minute, the next I think I'm going to die because I can't breathe. It will get better. It has to. People survive this all of the time.
Give yourself time and space and the chance to grieve. You lost someone very important to you. You need the time. Don't let others dictate what you do and how you feel. But also give them the opportunity to understand that you aren't yourself and your life feels different and they will not get that until it happens to them. They don't realize that. They think they know but you and I both know they don't.
I'm here. I get it.
Carolyn's understanding and advice is good. So many people don't get grief but they don't know they aren't getting it. Thank God that some people do get it.
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